I think I already covered this in my very first post. But I thought maybe I included a lot of extra stuff, and I thought maybe I could come up with a more condensed version. But my testimony isn't a simple "one day I gave my life to Jesus and now I feel complete." I still have doubts about my salvation. I don't think I came to the lord with the right mindset. I'm not even sure that I have the right mindset now. A lot of years have gone by. I originally got 'born again' in 1986. I was only 6 years old.
Only being 6 years old, meant that I had a very limited life experiences. 6 year olds no nothing, or at least they shouldn't know anything, about attraction, lust, and sex. I knew nothing about these feelings. Often wonder, if I did know something about these feelings, would I have still "signed up" with Jesus? Or maybe I wouldn't be as hard on myself. I can only imagine.
I was only able to understand that Jesus loves me, If I want to go to heaven and not hell, I need to pray and say "I understand I'm a sinner, and please forgive me of my sins, I believe you died on the cross for me, please come into my heart amen." I'm sure that I was serious about my prayer because I'm still a believer today at the age of 42! But I think my logical mindset of "I realize life is going to me harder for a Christian but in the end He goes to heaven, and not hell." Has caused a bit of an issue. All these years I've been trying to figure out how to love Jesus back. How do you properly love your ticket out of hell. C.S. Lewis wrote a book called the 4 loves. The problem is, there is more then one kind of love. Jesus is not a mere object.
This started happening to me, more intensely, after puberty. I was aware of "lust" and how the bible puts it in the same category as adultery and then says that those people will not inherit the kingdom of heaven. I was like "oh my" did i just loose my salvation? So I started going to bed at night and praying that God would save me again. I started doing that over and over again, until i reached the age of 19.
At the age of 19, I was talking with my youth pastor, and He lead me in the salvation prayer again. It was that summer that I got water baptized. I told everyone that when you commit your life to the lord, you got to go all the way.
These days I'm still trying to figure things out. But I'm still a believer, and a bit scared of hell. I feel like there isn't much I can do. Either God keeps his promise that He saved me or not. I don't think I will never be "perfect" on this side of heaven. I guess that is what is meant by putting your faith in Christ.