My sinful nature is still a thorn in my side, motivating me to do things that I need to repent of later. If the sinful nature is supposed to be "cut away", then I am not saved by what you describe above. My 'old man' is alive and... kicking. I try to deflect the kicks, I try to avoid feeding him, but he's stubborn and refuses to give up. I could list my sinful difficulties, but I see no need to do that. I think you get the point.
Even Paul had to battle this. Not sure where this leaves me. I get differing counsel from different Christians, each believing that they are right, and that they are told by Scripture to take the tack they have taken. This is confusion. I've had Christians question my salvation. I've had others affirm it and tell me that I need to rest in Him. Both cannot be right.
What do I think in my heart? I waver back and forth. I've had things happen to me that I have difficulty believing would ever happen to an unbeliever. Then... I see the rot in my heart, the dark, rebellious pride, I think back on my sins, and then my spiritual insecurity creeps back up.
I'll pray about the things you've said. I hope God responds before Judgment Day.
Gojira . . .
Whether or not you are saved . . . I do not want to tell you one way or the other. All that I can say is that I wish that someone had told me about Colossians 2:9-15. If I had known about that Scripture, I would have been able to determine why it was that I was drinking like a fish, addicted to sex and porn, and on and on. I wasn't a horrible person, but Christians do not frequent strip clubs . . . right? If our heart has been changed by God, then our actions will begin to change as well. Look at Paul: Paul went from killer to telling us to feed our enemies. Paul changed perhaps faster than anyone in the NT. Within two weeks of his Damascus Road experience, he was preaching. That's unbelievable.
As for Paul struggling . . . well, I don't read that in Scripture. I do see, however, that the way that he worded things that it made it seem as though he was. Unfortunately, translations never take us closer to an author's true meaning, but if anything, further away. 18 times Paul tells us to model ourselves after him, for in by doing so, people would be imitating Christ. Paul wanted no glory, so when he said those things, it was not "Hey, look at how great I am!" Nothing like that. If Paul's life was out of control with sin, he would never ask his readers to imitate his lifestyle. More, he once reminded a group of people of how he lived, that they were there to see his righteous and holy life. Romans chapter seven talks about poor behavior existing because of the Sinful Nature, but Colossians talks about how that Nature is to be removed. How could Paul teach that the Curse must be removed, yet also write about how he was under it's influence? What's more . . . it would be completely backward if Paul were an Apostle while remaining under the Curse. It doesn't make sense. Anyway, this is one of the big debates that goes on within every Christian forum.
So, pray that the Lord would Circumcise your heart. If He has already done it, then you will at least slowly begin to change. But don't be alarmed to realize that you may not be saved, for you are already aware that your life does not emulate that of an actual, True Christian. And what is a True Christian? Paul tells us in Romans 2:
Romans 2:29 NLT - "No, a true Jew is one whose heart is right with God. And true circumcision is not merely obeying the letter of the law; rather, it is a change of heart produced by God's Spirit. And a person with a changed heart seeks praise from God, not from people."
Yes, Paul was writing to Jews in Romans, but we know that there is one Faith, one Baptism, and one Lord. Therefore, Circumcision of the Heart is for all Children of God. And what do we find? It is a change of heart produced by the Spirit of God . . . in other words, Colossians 2:9-15. Interestingly, we find the Trinity concept in Spiritual Circumcision. Here's another reference to God performing that amazing act:
Deuteronomy 30:6 KJV - "And the LORD thy God will circumcise thine heart, and the heart of thy seed, to love the LORD thy God with all thine heart, and with all thy soul, that thou mayest live."
Now, we're not all saved at the same time, right? King David was being trained by the Spirit while at his mother's breast. Then there are others who, while on their death-beds, in their final moments, with a wonderfully shocked look on their faces, they reach up into the sky as if to see the Lord . . . they waited their entire lives to finally be Baptized into Christ. So stop worrying. I believe that your heart is in the right place. Do your best to relax, but never stop asking the Lord for Purification. Never stop. The Lord did not appear to me until age 48 or 49. To that point, I believed I was a Christian, but I was not. Then, out of the blue, the Lord Chose me (instead of my choosing Him) and he Powerfully saved me. I was lucky, for no one was teaching me any of the things that I am teaching you. But if I had known, I would have known what to pray for, as said above.
Again, I'm sorry that we are not closer in proximity, as you could really benefit from hanging out with someone who sees this side of the Bible. So, much respect to you. I believe in you.
John 15:16 NKJV - 16 "You did not choose Me, but I chose you and appointed you that you should go and bear fruit, and [that] your fruit should remain, that whatever you ask the Father in My name He may give you."
Ask that the Lord would Choose you . . . and what does this mean? It means to have your heart Circumcised by Christ.
