Need some feedback on parenting a 19 year old college daughter

[TNMustang]

We sent our daughter to a small, private Christian college. She is completing her freshman year. She originally went there to play a sport, but she is no longer playing the sport. Most of the kids at this school play a sport. She would have not gone to this school without the sport. Now that she isn't on the team, she has few friends. But, she has a romantic relationship with a young man that we do not approve of. We haven't approved of it from the get-go back in September. I don't want to get into the weeds of all of the details, but here is the question:

If you, as a parent, believe that returning to that school isn't in your child's best interests, is it wrong to say "you can return there, but we will not be paying for it, because we do not feel it is in your best interests." My wife says it could drive a permanent wedge between us and our daughter, and I agree. But if we let her return, she risks royally screwing up her life permanently with this guy. And her mother and I could be saddled with helping raise her kids and financially support them from now on, if statistics and history are any indication.

My view is, she's still our kid. We are still paying all of her bills. She's about two years immature for her age. We not only have the right to take action, but an obligation to do so. We don't parent unless it makes the child mad at us. We parent until the kid is fully grown and on their own.

Thoughts on this?

 

[2ndTimothyGroup]

What if you were to just sit down with her and tell her your concerns just as you've laid them out to us?

I realize that you're emotional about this. I get it . . . I've had step-kids that were on the Truly wild side, and I mean drugs and even prostitution. I had to essentially swing a deal that a daughter could use cannabis if she'd just stay home instead of being gang-raped as a prostitute (at age 15).

You've got to set aside your emotions and do your best to approach her as though you were her friend . . . not a parent. Remember, she only SEEMS to be "yours" but in Truth, she belongs to the Lord. Your daughter is on "loan" to you. You didn't create her . . . the Lord did.

Trust me . . . I get it! I should have done better in my role as a step-father, and to be honest, I was not very good. But fifteen years later, I'm on a higher mountain now, and my scope and vision is greater than before. Leave out the emotions; abandon your fear; get rid of resentments; abandon any sense of control . . . and give her Love. Let her know in as many ways as you can that you Love her, regardless of what she does, says, and thinks. Love her!

When I was placing Missing Person's posters on telephone poles and in grocery stores (for my former step-daughter), the message was "I Love you and want you to be home safe and secure."

Love her!

 

[TNMustang]

That's difficult. If I was her "friend", I would say "Hey I don't know about that, but do what you think you must."

If I was a parent, I would say "Your mother and I don't feel that is in your best interest, so we are going to need to figure out a different plan going forward."

I think we get into trouble when we try to be friends with our children instead of their parents. When they are fully grown, I can see more than "friend" role. 19 is young. And my daughter really has the maturity of a 16 or 17 year old.

 

[Nehemiah6]

If you, as a parent, believe that returning to that school isn't in your child's best interests, is it wrong to say "you can return there, but we will not be paying for it, because we do not feel it is in your best interests."

This does not really address the issue. So the first thing to do is sit down with your daughter and tell her why you feel she is going in the wrong direction, and also lay out the reasons why the young man is a hazard to her (presumably he is not a Christian, and if she is then she is going against the Word of God).

 

[Magenta]

Remember, she only SEEMS to be "yours" but in Truth, she belongs to the Lord.
Your daughter is on "loan" to you. You didn't create her . . . the Lord did.

Reminds me of Kahlil Gibran's "On Children" from what is viewed as his masterpiece, "The Prophet."

On Children by Kahlil Gibran

And a woman who held a babe against her bosom said, Speak to us of Children.
And he said:
Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life’s longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.
You may give them your love but not your thoughts,
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow, which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.
You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth.
The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite, and He bends you with His might that His arrows may go swift and far.
Let your bending in the archer’s hand be for gladness;
For even as He loves the arrow that flies, so He loves also the bow that is stable.

From The Prophet (Knopf, 1923). This poem is in the public domain.

 

[2ndTimothyGroup]

As I mentioned above, I had to think in terms of "What's going to keep my beloved Step-daughter alive?" The police involved told us that girls who do the things that she was doing . . . they end up dead in a ditch. She actually began voluntary prostitution and running away from a warm home at age 14. And if you're not careful, these kinds of circumstances can split and destroy your marriage.

I feel for you.

 

[TNMustang]

This does not really address the issue. So the first thing to do is sit down with your daughter and tell her why you feel she is going in the wrong direction, and also lay out the reasons why the young man is a hazard to her (presumably he is not a Christian, and if she is then she is going against the Word of God).

Here are the red herrings:

1. He is from a completely different culture than her. She's upper middle class, he's working poor.
2. His mother is deceased, his father is a former convict, remarried, and never sees the young man.
3. His grandparents have raised him, and even they are divorced and remarried.
4. Christian? Perhaps a believer. Spiritual leader? No way.
5. He's going to college, mainly to play football. But he's not good enough to play, so he's mounting up tremendous debt in student loans so he can play football.
6. He wants to be "cop", but you don't have to graduate college to be a cop.
7. He's from a different race.
8. He says that if he graduates, he will then be a "successful" black man and he will then have to divorce his family, as they will resent him. (That sounds really healthy!)

Meanwhile, we have discovered that this school is 100 percent about athletes. Most of the student body are athletes. They finance the school. The school offers all these kids a chance to be on a team, loads the kids up with student loans, and that makes up 70 percent of their student body. Most of them will never play, many of them aren't college academic material. Many won't graduate, and most will graduate with massive student debt.

So we don't think it's a good place for our daughter. It isn't a healthy situation.

 

[2ndTimothyGroup]

Reminds me of Kahlil Gibran's "On Children" from what is viewed as his masterpiece, "The Prophet."

On Children by Kahlil Gibran

And a woman who held a babe against her bosom said, Speak to us of Children.
And he said:
Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life’s longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.
You may give them your love but not your thoughts,
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow, which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.
You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth.
The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite, and He bends you with His might that His arrows may go swift and far.
Let your bending in the archer’s hand be for gladness;
For even as He loves the arrow that flies, so He loves also the bow that is stable.

From The Prophet (Knopf, 1923). This poem is in the public domain.

Beautiful. I wish that I had had this kind of wisdom when I was a father.

 

[2ndTimothyGroup]

7. He's from a different race.

Ahhhhhh . . . .

 

[TNMustang]

Ahhhhhh . . . .

That, in and of itself, isn't a big deal. It's the whole package. Interracial marriages are tough enough. No marriage has a perfect set of circumstances. But this one would be loaded with mountains from the get-go.

 

[Magenta]

Beautiful. I wish that I had had this kind of wisdom when I was a father.

My favorite one was on love A few years ago I made panels to display it...

 

[2ndTimothyGroup]

That, in and of itself, isn't a big deal. It's the whole package. Interracial marriages are tough enough. No marriage has a perfect set of circumstances. But this one would be loaded with mountains from the get-go.

I hear you. When racism is involved, though, I find that I must depart from this thread. Best of luck to you.

 

[Nehemiah6]

So we don't think it's a good place for our daughter. It isn't a healthy situation.

It certainly sounds like a very unhealthy situation. Is your daughter naive, gullible, or plain foolish? BTW today any college "education" is indoctrination, and if all they care about is sports, then the focus is all wrong.

 

[Bingo]

"The complexity of today's world cannot be fully fathomed. And in reality, there is
no sound advice for the dilemma many families are and will continue to be confronted with
in raising children.
There being no way to 'sugar coat' the 'issues' that have been presented. Untold problems
and challenges arise in all families, no one shall be immune, and every situation requires first
and foremost a strong family bond of love and trust.
God being an option that rarely will come into actuality of changing the outcome, but certainly
may be a comfort for some, and this helps with acceptance of things that one cannot change,
but courage and hope to change things that one can change, that being mainly one's own self to
live life the best we know how in peace and love."
"And I leave it at that...
Let us hope perhaps God's presence will be somewhere in this dilemma."

 

[soberxp]

Here are the red herrings:

1. He is from a completely different culture than her. She's upper middle class, he's working poor.
2. His mother is deceased, his father is a former convict, remarried, and never sees the young man.
3. His grandparents have raised him, and even they are divorced and remarried.
4. Christian? Perhaps a believer. Spiritual leader? No way.
5. He's going to college, mainly to play football. But he's not good enough to play, so he's mounting up tremendous debt in student loans so he can play football.
6. He wants to be "cop", but you don't have to graduate college to be a cop.
7. He's from a different race.
8. He says that if he graduates, he will then be a "successful" black man and he will then have to divorce his family, as they will resent him. (That sounds really healthy!)

Meanwhile, we have discovered that this school is 100 percent about athletes. Most of the student body are athletes. They finance the school. The school offers all these kids a chance to be on a team, loads the kids up with student loans, and that makes up 70 percent of their student body. Most of them will never play, many of them aren't college academic material. Many won't graduate, and most will graduate with massive student debt.

So we don't think it's a good place for our daughter. It isn't a healthy situation.

It sounds like the boy has been short of love since he was a child, In my opinion, a person who lacks love will want to find love more.
From this perspective, maybe God arranged your daughter to fall in love with this boy.
Have you ever considered this way.

 

[Lanolin]

why was she sent there to begin with?

was it on scholarship

If the scholarship has run out then she will have to pay or get a loan if you are not willing to finance it. She'd need to find a summer job and work her butt off to afford tuition. Lots of college age kids do that because that is what they really want a higher education..,it is not given that it is free!

My thing would be irrespective of whoever she is seeing, is to provide an alternative option for her future
and help get her there.

19 years is still a vulnerable age. What is it that she actually want to do career wise? Have you talked to her about it? does she even KNOW? Or does she just want to marry and have children. If she doest have any expectations for herself then that is just what she will do.

 

[Lanolin]

sport is not something that you can effectively make a living from unless you are truly dedicated have big name sponsor and are winning every trophy, and when your retire you need to be coaching or doing something with it. You need to be training EVERYDAY to get really good at it.

college is not some kind of 'oh Im here to snag a husband' which some parents treat it as. If she cant hack competitive sport then she needs to expand her mind to do something else that she really WANTS to do.

 

[Live4Him2]

We sent our daughter to a small, private Christian college. She is completing her freshman year. She originally went there to play a sport, but she is no longer playing the sport. Most of the kids at this school play a sport. She would have not gone to this school without the sport. Now that she isn't on the team, she has few friends. But, she has a romantic relationship with a young man that we do not approve of. We haven't approved of it from the get-go back in September. I don't want to get into the weeds of all of the details, but here is the question:

If you, as a parent, believe that returning to that school isn't in your child's best interests, is it wrong to say "you can return there, but we will not be paying for it, because we do not feel it is in your best interests." My wife says it could drive a permanent wedge between us and our daughter, and I agree. But if we let her return, she risks royally screwing up her life permanently with this guy. And her mother and I could be saddled with helping raise her kids and financially support them from now on, if statistics and history are any indication.

My view is, she's still our kid. We are still paying all of her bills. She's about two years immature for her age. We not only have the right to take action, but an obligation to do so. We don't parent unless it makes the child mad at us. We parent until the kid is fully grown and on their own.

Thoughts on this?

Well, seeing how I'm the parent of a 19-year-old daughter who is away at a SECULAR (NOT my choice) college (read: indoctrination camp), I'll offer you my two cents worth.

For starters, my daughter isn't a Christian...at least not yet.

I've taught her (and my other two children) the uncompromised word of God since she was an infant, and all three of my children were homeschooled initially, but my ex eventually renounced Christ/Christianity, cheated on me repeatedly, and then divorced me. From that point on, our children have all been a part of the public school system (two of our children are still there), and our eldest is now away at the aforementioned secular college. Apart from the school issue, there has also been very much a sort of tug-o-war for my children's souls between me and my ex for several years. In other words, whereas I'm always seeking to lead them towards Christ, she is ever being led by the spirit of antichrist.

Anyhow, as opposed as I was/am to my daughter going away to a SECULAR college, I've continued to pray for her, and I think that I can honestly say that her being there has actually worked to my advantage.

How so?

Well, as parents, we can warn our children about all of the potential dangers and pitfalls ahead of them, but it oftentimes isn't until the time comes when they are actually confronted with the same that they will hear us or pay our warnings any mind.

In the case of my daughter, she's been confronted at college with just about everything that I've ever warned her about since she was an infant, and she is actually more open now to hearing what I have to say in regard to spiritual matters than she ever was before. In fact, she and I had about a two hour conversation on spiritual matters just this past Friday night.

I'm certainly NOT your God, but you might want to consider cutting her a little slack.

We can't really legislate morality in our children's lives or in anybody else's lives for that matter.

Christianity is a matter of ONE'S HEART.

If her heart isn't into whatever advice you are giving her, then she is more than likely going to resent you if you pull her away from her present situation without her consent.

That said, I understand your fears concerning a potential pregnancy and all, and I think that is a justifiable fear, so this isn't an easy matter to give counsel on.

Again, I'm NOT your God, but I would pray about this fervently if I were you before making a decision either way.

 

[Live4Him2]

P.S.

In relation to the "race" issue...

I am a "white" man who was married to a "black" Latina.

All of our children are "mixed".

If I were you, then I wouldn't even factor in the "race" issue for several reasons.

For one thing, there is really only one "race", and that is the human race.

For another thing, if you're considering "race" to be an issue, then this very well may be a sign that your own heart isn't right before the Lord.

Jesus created everyone, and died for everyone.

 

[Aaron56]

@TNMustang

There is a lot of good counsel from several on this thread especially from @2ndTimothyGroup and @Magenta

I also have experience in this area having raised two daughters. I would be willing to go a bit more in depth via email if you desire. You can reach out to me at encouraging_you at yahoo dot com at your leisure.