Hello Everyone,
Some recent thoughts in the threads have me thinking about topics that I feel are very important to discuss.
First of all, I want to make a disclaimer: I am not, in any way, shape, or form, arguing with Biblical principles, as I believe in them wholeheartedly. Second, please keep in mind that as a woman, I am writing from a woman's perspective because most of the people who have opened up to me are women. I am not in any way, shape, or form trying to say that all men are abusers. One of the purposes of this discussion is to hopefully encourage men to share their knowledge and experiences with this topic as well.
Occasionally here in Singles, we will have the opinion expressed that the best or ideal Christian wife is one who stays at home. I myself was raised in a family where all but one of the women stayed at home when the kids were young. The one woman who kept working full-time did so because they were farmers and there was no other choice. Two women in my family were lifetime stay-at-home wives/mothers, while the others went back to work once the kids were older.
However, I have seen some instances (outside of my family) where the women were forbidden to talk to anyone else and could not go anywhere without the husband's permission. I'm thinking of a co-worker whom I invited out to lunch, which went fine until we got up to leave. She begged me to go home with her to meet her husband because (I finished her sentence,) "I (Seoul) have to prove to him that I actually exist and that I'm not a man, don't I?" She nodded yes. She was terrified of what he would do because he would automatically think she was out with another man.
Ironically, in nearly every case I have encountered, including this one, the controller who had to have their thumb on the other person at all times was in fact the one talking to other people (usually at his own work or online) and doing the cheating. It was a classic case of, "Do only as I tell you to do, but I get to do whatever I want."
But it all starts with, "I'm (asking, wanting, demanding) that you do these things (check in with me, not talk to anyone else, come home immediately, not work/have contact with others at all) because I'm protecting you. I'm doing my job of looking out for you." It may start out as good intentions, even Biblical. But what happens if it eventually crosses over the line of "protection" and soon becomes control -- and abuse?
I also think about the two girls I used to go to Lutheran high school with. One had done everything they told her to do, including finding an apartment and moving there in secret. He still found her, and emptied a gun into her head. The other was a prominent host on a local TV station -- they were very well-known as the perfect Christian family. Her husband shot and killed her at their home in front of their children, the oldest of whom at the time was 11. Being surrounded by a Christian community is no guarantee that everything will be alright.
I think of another friend whose parents divorced because her mother was kept at home with no job, and when her father started an affair with someone he worked with, he told her that since he made all the money, he would be keeping both women for himself and she would just have to put up with it. She promptly divorced him and raised the kids by herself, even though she hadn't worked since high school. But he had thought he had her under control because he had cut her off from the world with no source of income but him.
These are the things I think about when I hear of situations, whether it be a man or a woman, who is being "kept from others" (not allowed/is discouraged from having friends or social circles) and has to constantly "check in" with their partner "for their own good" or "protection."
A family unit consisting of a husband providing for a wife and family is perfectly Biblical. But when does it start to slip downhill into abuse?
Likewise, I want to keep the discussion open for the other side of the coin. I believe many men are in abusive situations but society and cultural standards keep them from speaking out or seeking help. I would like to know about how we can be of aid to them. I have known many men who were abused within their families, by both men and women, and I've had guy friends whom I have tried to encourage to leave what I observed to be abusive relationships (dating situations, not marriages.)
I must say that I am someone who would encourage anyone who is in a situation, married or dating, that threatens their own or their children's safety, to seek out a separation at the very least. I know there is much debate about this, but my own personal belief (speaking for only myself) is that God does not want us to be stay with someone who is dangerous to us or our children, even if married. I know there are very differing viewpoints about this topic, so if they do come up here, I'm hoping we can still keep the conversation respectful.
On the flip side, I'm sure that others here have also seen men in abusive situations. For example, when does someone's nagging cross over the lines into emotional and psychological abuse? The Christian community often talks about men being able to provide for their families -- but where is the line between a woman or spouse being provided for vs. someone taking advantage of the other person for money?
The reason I'm hoping we can talk about these things is because many of the people I have met in abusive situations thought what they were going through was normal. They were in utter turmoil over what they were going through, but they thought it was just part of relationships and that everyone else was going through it too (meaning that they thought should just keep quiet and never "complain" about it.) And since they were not allowed to talk to anyone else, they didn't have any other frames of reference to know that what they were going through was abuse.
I know this thread may bring out a variety of perspectives and experiences, but I sincerely that hope we can talk about this with a common goal of trying to prevent others (especially young people) from getting into, or staying in abusive relationships that just might be disguised as "Biblical principles" -- that are being grossly misinterpreted.
Thank you so much for sharing and God bless you!
Some recent thoughts in the threads have me thinking about topics that I feel are very important to discuss.
First of all, I want to make a disclaimer: I am not, in any way, shape, or form, arguing with Biblical principles, as I believe in them wholeheartedly. Second, please keep in mind that as a woman, I am writing from a woman's perspective because most of the people who have opened up to me are women. I am not in any way, shape, or form trying to say that all men are abusers. One of the purposes of this discussion is to hopefully encourage men to share their knowledge and experiences with this topic as well.
Occasionally here in Singles, we will have the opinion expressed that the best or ideal Christian wife is one who stays at home. I myself was raised in a family where all but one of the women stayed at home when the kids were young. The one woman who kept working full-time did so because they were farmers and there was no other choice. Two women in my family were lifetime stay-at-home wives/mothers, while the others went back to work once the kids were older.
However, I have seen some instances (outside of my family) where the women were forbidden to talk to anyone else and could not go anywhere without the husband's permission. I'm thinking of a co-worker whom I invited out to lunch, which went fine until we got up to leave. She begged me to go home with her to meet her husband because (I finished her sentence,) "I (Seoul) have to prove to him that I actually exist and that I'm not a man, don't I?" She nodded yes. She was terrified of what he would do because he would automatically think she was out with another man.
Ironically, in nearly every case I have encountered, including this one, the controller who had to have their thumb on the other person at all times was in fact the one talking to other people (usually at his own work or online) and doing the cheating. It was a classic case of, "Do only as I tell you to do, but I get to do whatever I want."
But it all starts with, "I'm (asking, wanting, demanding) that you do these things (check in with me, not talk to anyone else, come home immediately, not work/have contact with others at all) because I'm protecting you. I'm doing my job of looking out for you." It may start out as good intentions, even Biblical. But what happens if it eventually crosses over the line of "protection" and soon becomes control -- and abuse?
I also think about the two girls I used to go to Lutheran high school with. One had done everything they told her to do, including finding an apartment and moving there in secret. He still found her, and emptied a gun into her head. The other was a prominent host on a local TV station -- they were very well-known as the perfect Christian family. Her husband shot and killed her at their home in front of their children, the oldest of whom at the time was 11. Being surrounded by a Christian community is no guarantee that everything will be alright.
I think of another friend whose parents divorced because her mother was kept at home with no job, and when her father started an affair with someone he worked with, he told her that since he made all the money, he would be keeping both women for himself and she would just have to put up with it. She promptly divorced him and raised the kids by herself, even though she hadn't worked since high school. But he had thought he had her under control because he had cut her off from the world with no source of income but him.
These are the things I think about when I hear of situations, whether it be a man or a woman, who is being "kept from others" (not allowed/is discouraged from having friends or social circles) and has to constantly "check in" with their partner "for their own good" or "protection."
A family unit consisting of a husband providing for a wife and family is perfectly Biblical. But when does it start to slip downhill into abuse?
Likewise, I want to keep the discussion open for the other side of the coin. I believe many men are in abusive situations but society and cultural standards keep them from speaking out or seeking help. I would like to know about how we can be of aid to them. I have known many men who were abused within their families, by both men and women, and I've had guy friends whom I have tried to encourage to leave what I observed to be abusive relationships (dating situations, not marriages.)
I must say that I am someone who would encourage anyone who is in a situation, married or dating, that threatens their own or their children's safety, to seek out a separation at the very least. I know there is much debate about this, but my own personal belief (speaking for only myself) is that God does not want us to be stay with someone who is dangerous to us or our children, even if married. I know there are very differing viewpoints about this topic, so if they do come up here, I'm hoping we can still keep the conversation respectful.
On the flip side, I'm sure that others here have also seen men in abusive situations. For example, when does someone's nagging cross over the lines into emotional and psychological abuse? The Christian community often talks about men being able to provide for their families -- but where is the line between a woman or spouse being provided for vs. someone taking advantage of the other person for money?
The reason I'm hoping we can talk about these things is because many of the people I have met in abusive situations thought what they were going through was normal. They were in utter turmoil over what they were going through, but they thought it was just part of relationships and that everyone else was going through it too (meaning that they thought should just keep quiet and never "complain" about it.) And since they were not allowed to talk to anyone else, they didn't have any other frames of reference to know that what they were going through was abuse.
I know this thread may bring out a variety of perspectives and experiences, but I sincerely that hope we can talk about this with a common goal of trying to prevent others (especially young people) from getting into, or staying in abusive relationships that just might be disguised as "Biblical principles" -- that are being grossly misinterpreted.
Thank you so much for sharing and God bless you!
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