Confessing a porn addiction

[tstumf]

If you don’t mind me asking how should a man begin to confess this to his wife? I’ve struggled with this sin in the past and for me Holy Spirit revealed and reminded me that this started as early as 13 years old with a curiosity in a underwear and bra Catalog, progressed to being introduced to a Playboy magazine slightly after that, then to a vhs videotape at a classmates house sleepover slightly after that, then to a phone sex line and then the internet age came into play and by then I was fully hooked by my senior year of High School and spiraled out of control from there through College and on into my marriage to 32 when God finally took me out of the sin. I no longer desire it. Period. And it makes my stomach sick even thinking of the things my eyes saw and the messages my mind absorbed. I got really good at concealing and hiding it over the years…. Too good at hiding actually and it left a trail of shame everywhere I’ve went though I couldn’t at the time see why there was this nagging shame and guilt following me through my days day after day. The lust and soul ties haunted me for years though I had no idea that is what was entangling me. when I surrendered to Jesus, I confessed my sin to God and believe I earnestly repented. I’ve been free from the addiction for about 13 months minus one incident that was a mistake and Holy Spirit was very disruptive about convicting me of wrongdoing. But in that conviction he also nudged me to say I also need to own up to my hidden sin that I committed against my wife because It wasn’t simply a sin against God. It was sin against my own body and a sin against my wife at multiple levels from the deception alone and for that I’m ashamed . How does one do this in humility and have the best shot at keeping the marriage intact? I brought this sin pattern into the marriage and hid it for 8 long years. I’m well aware it’s all my fault, no matter how the conversation or consequences turn out. I have no excuses for my sinful behavior. It was wrong and it destroyed any chance I have had with true intimacy with my wife . I feel I’m responsible to shoulder my earthly consequences of this sin no matter what it is. I’ve never had to confess anything major to my wife before beyond a simple apology for being rude and insensitive a couple times. Any advice out there? I was thinking of confessing To her about this in the context of reading a marriage book at the end of the Sexual brokenness and sin chapter so we we will be in context and already in the topic. Will this help or hurt?

 

[Starsdance]

This is a very sharp but very good question, people may feel embarrassed, speechless, do not know what to say at the moment
I appreciate your honesty and bravery

 

[The_Unnamed_Servent]

Sin, shame, lust, hiding...I went through a similar experience. The Holy Spirit pulled me out of homosexual sin about 12 months ago and convicted me in a similar manner. We were together (in sin) for about 3 years and preparing for marriage, but my new found relationship with Christ became more to me than anything I previously knew. He gave me true comfort, love, and intimacy that sin could never fully satisfy. Like death and hell, I was always seeking more but in Christ, I am satisfied and content. I knew that I had to be honest and trust in Him above all else. So I took a leap of faith against all hope and one year later I have no regrets.

For me, that lead to a long 3-day conversation that ended our chapter in life together. But oddly what I found was that I wasn't broken or destroyed by the process but rather liberated/refined even. Yes, I was deeply saddened and hurt but I prayed to God to take that away from me. Hours later I literally had a weight lifted from me and I experienced pure joy for the first time in years. In that conversation, I later noticed that He was leading me through it all. I saw myself confessing my deeds, yes, but explaining why it was wrong from His point of view. None of my own selfish sexual secrets meant anything to me at that time and I was a raw nerve before him. I never cheated or anything like that and we shared everything together. But oddly enough I remembered my greatest fear was that I would create a stumbling block in his walk with God. Even though he didn't accept my earnest plea for forgiveness/reconciliation I knew that by my actions God had forgiven me. I offered but because he couldn't understand that God changed me; we had to end our friendship.

As I said before no regrets. There is a wonderful peace walking in God's righteousness that I'm sure you understand. Sharing my testimony in a way is my own personal spiritual struggle. But I've already decided that there is nothing in this world worth more to me than my relationship with Jesus Christ. And if my story somehow helps you then let my suffering be a blessing to you... I know my situation is only slightly different from yours (LOL) but I feel your pain and understand where you are.

Know this brother, you are in my prayers. My advice to you is to put it in His hands and trust in The Holy Spirit. I know he'll see you through.

God bless!!!

 

[tstumf]

This is a very sharp but very good question, people may feel embarrassed, speechless, do not know what to say at the moment
I appreciate your honesty and bravery

Well Thankyou. I understand. I posted fully knowing I may not get much for responses but felt as though being I have zero close male roll models in the faith that I can turn to. I should try here in case God has something for me through conversation with someone . I’m a super patient person and part of that patience and attention to detail is what allowed me to stay hidden in this for so long where other men get sloppy and get caught. I never did. I really wish I could have got caught years ago and maybe I wouldn’t be where I’m at now. I know it’s not an easy topic to speak about. I’m just trying to walk in step with the spirit in this, not running ahead but most certainly not dragging my feet behind him. The book we’ve been reading together as a marriage devotional is (Intimate Allies) by Dr. Dan Allender and Tremper Longman. We read a chapter every other week . We’ve gone through 2/3 of the book and went through the chapter that talks about Song of Songs and 1 Corinthians 13. The last few chapters deal with sexual sins. Dan doesn’t necessarily say anything regarding the topic of confessing these things to the spouse though his reflection questions at the end of each chapter allude to band open the possibility . he as I’m finding out is NOT bashful about describing how intimacy in a marriage is supposed to be. Something I haven’t experienced ever in my marriage and it’s something I long for even if it means confessing to my wife and accepting whatever comes next. I’m generally a quiet unassuming personality. My wife knows I’ve had prior lovers before her and I’ve struggled letting go of one in particular despite my endless prayers on it which is perhaps some of what is blocking intimacy as well even in my subconscious I guess. I have a memory of a woman I loved in the past that just won’t go away no matter how much I pray she always finds her way into my thoughts and even dreams at times. It’s rather disruptive. But I digress.

We are also into a marriage devotional book called (Love and War) by John and Stasi Eldridge which has helped put words to some of our other previously unknown marital issues. If nothing else Starsdance just please pray for us.

 

[tstumf]

Sin, shame, lust, hiding...I went through a similar experience. The Holy Spirit pulled me out of homosexual sin about 12 months ago and convicted me in a similar manner. We were together (in sin) for about 3 years and preparing for marriage, but my new found relationship with Christ became more to me than anything I previously knew. He gave me true comfort, love, and intimacy that sin could never fully satisfy. Like death and hell, I was always seeking more but in Christ, I am satisfied and content. I knew that I had to be honest and trust in Him above all else. So I took a leap of faith against all hope and one year later I have no regrets.

For me, that lead to a long 3-day conversation that ended our chapter in life together. But oddly what I found was that I wasn't broken or destroyed by the process but rather liberated/refined even. Yes, I was deeply saddened and hurt but I prayed to God to take that away from me. Hours later I literally had a weight lifted from me and I experienced pure joy for the first time in years. In that conversation, I later noticed that He was leading me through it all. I saw myself confessing my deeds, yes, but explaining why it was wrong from His point of view. None of my own selfish sexual secrets meant anything to me at that time and I was a raw nerve before him. I never cheated or anything like that and we shared everything together. But oddly enough I remembered my greatest fear was that I would create a stumbling block in his walk with God. Even though he didn't accept my earnest plea for forgiveness/reconciliation I knew that by my actions God had forgiven me. I offered but because he couldn't understand that God changed me; we had to end our friendship.

As I said before no regrets. There is a wonderful peace walking in God's righteousness that I'm sure you understand. Sharing my testimony in a way is my own personal spiritual struggle. But I've already decided that there is nothing in this world worth more to me than my relationship with Jesus Christ. And if my story somehow helps you then let my suffering be a blessing to you... I know my situation is only slightly different from yours (LOL) but I feel your pain and understand where you are.

Know this brother, you are in my prayers. My advice to you is to put it in His hands and trust in The Holy Spirit. I know he'll see you through.

God bless!!!

Thankyou, your testimony has helped me more than you can know. I really appreciate it brother. I think as a person young in the faith I struggle with hope especially during situations like this. It’s far too easy for me to take the path of despair. Though I know the truth of Gods unending love for me and his absolute faithfulness spoken in the gospels I at some level of my soul struggles with it. Though it has been improving as I study and pray very much I can feel that hope increase as the strength of my faith increases. Ive been such a quiet person in the past you would never have thought It would be me writing about this struggle. Thankyou again unnamed Servent.

 

[CyKovet]

My first wife (I'm a widower & divorcee) and I had a great marriage after we received some Christian marital counseling a few years into our marriage (we started off great, then kinda slumped in our walk together, but we got steered in the right direction for sure, with the Church's help). I'm not the best person for advice, but I would suggest, perhaps, setting up a sit-down, in-person appointment with your pastor, and your wife together, with the express intent stated up front that you have something on your conscience that bothers you to the point that it is troubling your soul, and you need to get it out. At least, in this manner, when you tell her, it will be with a clergymember as a witness. You didn't physically cheat on her, but you still had a sinful affair of the heart in your lustful experience. Hopefully, in that kind of a setting, it can be confessed openly, forgiven, and worked upon.

 

[tstumf]

My first wife (I'm a widower & divorcee) and I had a great marriage after we received some Christian marital counseling a few years into our marriage (we started off great, then kinda slumped in our walk together, but we got steered in the right direction for sure, with the Church's help). I'm not the best person for advice, but I would suggest, perhaps, setting up a sit-down, in-person appointment with your pastor, and your wife together, with the express intent stated up front that you have something on your conscience that bothers you to the point that it is troubling your soul, and you need to get it out. At least, in this manner, when you tell her, it will be with a clergymember as a witness. You didn't physically cheat on her, but you still had a sinful affair of the heart in your lustful experience. Hopefully, in that kind of a setting, it can be confessed openly, forgiven, and worked upon.

Thankyou CyKovet. I will keep this in mind. As far as the initial meeting I’m sure I could make that happen but I think I might be left to my own after that unfortunately so that thought gives me pause. My lead pastor while a great guy is spread pretty thin as he has addressed the congregation a couple times stating he cannot be everyone’s personal councilor in the Church . It’s a smaller church building but about 3 services on Sunday mornings and one in the evening so it’s a big church body. The community already has my church ministry stretched pretty tight so I’m not too sure how much of a help they will be. But Thankyou for the suggestion and it will be in my consideration in approaching this. He knows I want to work on my marriage and I’ve asked him a couple questions in the past but he gets busy and sometimes doesn’t get back to me sometimes. He’s pushing me to take an eldership training as he feels that would be good for me if I’m wanting to work on my marriage but I don’t feel I should be qualified to be an elder till I resolve this and get my marriage squared away and right with God.

 

[TheIndianGirl]

Will this help or hurt?

I think it will depend on your specific situation. Do you believe you misrepresented yourself when you dated/married your wife, possibly painting a different version of yourself than who you truly are? Do you think she might believe you misrepresented yourself? I think the answers to these questions will determine how much hurt there will be. Does she have any idea at all that you had porn addiction? In any case, I believe you should confess as this is what marriage is about. I think you can try to time this confession or present it in a way where it may not come across as a big shock. I know if I were a wife, it would be hard for me to handle this.

 

[tstumf]

I think it will depend on your specific situation. Do you believe you misrepresented yourself when you dated/married your wife, possibly painting a different version of yourself than who you truly are? Do you think she might believe you misrepresented yourself? I think the answers to these questions will determine how much hurt there will be. Does she have any idea at all that you had porn addiction? In any case, I believe you should confess as this is what marriage is about. I think you can try to time this confession or present it in a way where it may not come across as a big shock. I know if I were a wife, it would be hard for me to handle this.

It’s really hard to say. I think many years ago the topic of pornography came up in just a general conversation topic and I mentioned perhaps in a tense moment of risk at being discovered I admitted my young teen self had maybe viewed it at one time and I think I had mentioned the early curiosity perhaps in a humorous light. Now I think I really downplayed it all and didn’t elaborate that I was still struggling with it in the current. This was probably 6 years ago or longer and I think it was in the context of a movie we watched that the characters mentioned pornography and she probably does not remember such a conversation ever took place. So I’m sure that probably will not be much help. Thankyou though for your thoughts. I welcome all the input I can get. Ya know, the strange thing is all these years I would have been paralyzed by fear even thinking of confessing this but as much as I’m not a fan of the idea at the moment , a part of me knows it’s going to happen, needs to happen and I’m not so much ok, but in this mess I’m not panicking like maybe I would have in the past. It’s just a calm knowing what needs to be done and knowing I need the proper time and context to do this in. I know in the past I’d be jittery and bristling with fear and fright till I just spilled it in the worst time and way. Something is different this time and I hope this is a good sign. I understand it’s going to be toughest on her. It is confessing essentially a betrayal that went on for 8 years. I understand the weight of this very well. I think I’ve analyzed this situation 100 ways and prayed about this dozens of times asking God for wisdom and discernment.

 

[EternalFire]

I pray that you meditate upon this scripture and apply it to your situation.

Proverbs 28:13: Whoever conceals his transgressions will not prosper, but he who confesses and forsakes them will obtain mercy.

I also pray that you implement a plan to support your fight against sexual sin. You may find the material at the link below helpful on your journey.

https://www.mastermyhabits.com/

 

[tstumf]

I pray that you meditate upon this scripture and apply it to your situation.

Proverbs 28:13: Whoever conceals his transgressions will not prosper, but he who confesses and forsakes them will obtain mercy.

I also pray that you implement a plan to support your fight against sexual sin. You may find the material at the link below helpful on your journey.

https://www.mastermyhabits.com/

That is absolutely one of the scriptures that was highlighted by Holy Spirit as I’ve been wrestling with this. And how true that proverb is. The depth and just how dynamic that simple sentence is amazes me. I’m finding this out first hand real time. Thankyou for the link I will check it out.

 

[CS1]

If you don’t mind me asking how should a man begin to confess this to his wife? I’ve struggled with this sin in the past and for me Holy Spirit revealed and reminded me that this started as early as 13 years old with a curiosity in a underwear and bra Catalog, progressed to being introduced to a Playboy magazine slightly after that, then to a vhs videotape at a classmates house sleepover slightly after that, then to a phone sex line and then the internet age came into play and by then I was fully hooked by my senior year of High School and spiraled out of control from there through College and on into my marriage to 32 when God finally took me out of the sin. I no longer desire it. Period. And it makes my stomach sick even thinking of the things my eyes saw and the messages my mind absorbed. I got really good at concealing and hiding it over the years…. Too good at hiding actually and it left a trail of shame everywhere I’ve went though I couldn’t at the time see why there was this nagging shame and guilt following me through my days day after day. The lust and soul ties haunted me for years though I had no idea that is what was entangling me. when I surrendered to Jesus, I confessed my sin to God and believe I earnestly repented. I’ve been free from the addiction for about 13 months minus one incident that was a mistake and Holy Spirit was very disruptive about convicting me of wrongdoing. But in that conviction he also nudged me to say I also need to own up to my hidden sin that I committed against my wife because It wasn’t simply a sin against God. It was sin against my own body and a sin against my wife at multiple levels from the deception alone and for that I’m ashamed . How does one do this in humility and have the best shot at keeping the marriage intact? I brought this sin pattern into the marriage and hid it for 8 long years. I’m well aware it’s all my fault, no matter how the conversation or consequences turn out. I have no excuses for my sinful behavior. It was wrong and it destroyed any chance I have had with true intimacy with my wife . I feel I’m responsible to shoulder my earthly consequences of this sin no matter what it is. I’ve never had to confess anything major to my wife before beyond a simple apology for being rude and insensitive a couple times. Any advice out there? I was thinking of confessing To her about this in the context of reading a marriage book at the end of the Sexual brokenness and sin chapter so we we will be in context and already in the topic. Will this help or hurt?

first, off I Commend you for even saying this in a public forum. I will tell if you are saved and you repented there is no hidden sin. What you need to do is strengthen your victory as you have been set free by the Lord. I highly recommend Purelife ministers to you. They will help you and your wife. I don't know how long you have been married but I am going to tell you she has her suspicions and may even know. BUT gave you time and space to work it out because it too is something women do not like to share.

I am going to pray for you right now please pray with me, : Heavenly Father we come to you in the name of Jesus. Thank you, Lord, for setting me free. and Lord I know that what YOU have joined together you want nothing to separate it. Help me know Lord and my wife. To fully heal us and restore my marriage that we may honor and glorify you in all that we do. Lord I submit myself to you and I resist the devil and he must flee from me Flee from my marriage, my home, my mind, and any part of my heart that I have held back from my God. In Jesus' name amen.

Lord bless this brother and his wife. sanctify them unto you Lord. Empower them with your Holy SPirit I pray in your name, amen.

 

[tstumf]

first, off I Commend you for even saying this in a public forum. I will tell if you are saved and you repented there is no hidden sin. What you need to do is strengthen your victory as you have been set free by the Lord. I highly recommend Purelife ministers to you. They will help you and your wife. I don't know how long you have been married but I am going to tell you she has her suspicions and may even know. BUT gave you time and space to work it out because it too is something women do not like to share.

I am going to pray for you right now please pray with me, : Heavenly Father we come to you in the name of Jesus. Thank you, Lord, for setting me free. and Lord I know that what YOU have joined together you want nothing to separate it. Help me know Lord and my wife. To fully heal us and restore my marriage that we may honor and glorify you in all that we do. Lord I submit myself to you and I resist the devil and he must flee from me Flee from my marriage, my home, my mind, and any part of my heart that I have held back from my God. In Jesus' name amen.

Lord bless this brother and his wife. sanctify them unto you Lord. Empower them with your Holy SPirit I pray in your name, amen.

Thankyou CS1. I have prayed with you and will look into that ministry

 

[CS1]

Thankyou CS1. I have prayed with you and will look into that ministry

I know Pastor Steve, great man of God who came out of that very samething

 

[inukubo]

From what you've said, I wonder if this addiction has really been "broken" for you. Yes, you may have gone many months without slipping physically, but it seems like you are still deeply feeling the shame of it. In my experience, overwhelming shame is one of the reasons why sin and addiction develops such a powerful hold over our hearts and minds. The sense of shame pushes us to keep our actions and thoughts hidden from God and others, and as a result pushes us further and further into sin. We always think that our own sins are so much worse and disgusting than everyone else's, but Scripture says we are ALL sinners equally undeserving of God's favor and even our good works are as filthy rags before God. Forgiveness is a gift from God despite our complete unworthiness. Therefore, there is no reason to hold on to an unbiblical and artificial sense of shame and try to hide from Him and hide from others -- especially those who are closest to us. If your relationship with your wife is healthy and she is a forgiving and gracious, Spirit-filled believer, there is no reason you should fear confessing this her. It will only help make your relationship stronger and give you a strong ally in continuing to fight this temptation.

 

[tstumf]

From what you've said, I wonder if this addiction has really been "broken" for you. Yes, you may have gone many months without slipping physically, but it seems like you are still deeply feeling the shame of it. In my experience, overwhelming shame is one of the reasons why sin and addiction develops such a powerful hold over our hearts and minds. The sense of shame pushes us to keep our actions and thoughts hidden from God and others, and as a result pushes us further and further into sin. We always think that our own sins are so much worse and disgusting than everyone else's, but Scripture says we are ALL sinners equally undeserving of God's favor and even our good works are as filthy rags before God. Forgiveness is a gift from God despite our complete unworthiness. Therefore, there is no reason to hold on to an unbiblical and artificial sense of shame and try to hide from Him and hide from others -- especially those who are closest to us. If your relationship with your wife is healthy and she is a forgiving and gracious, Spirit-filled believer, there is no reason you should fear confessing this her. It will only help make your relationship stronger and give you a strong ally in continuing to fight this temptation.

I think what I’m bumping into actually is an unhealthy fear of man, fear of death. some due to learning God wrong for much of my young life and in turn I have not loved well, people or God. Some family generational sin that was passed down as well is contributing . I know I was spiritually and emotionally abused by my late mother and ive carried those scars much of my life unknowingly till recently . I’ve been working through a Bible study book from Neil T Anderson called Letting Go of fear to help give me some clarity as to what’s been happening to me spiritually over my life. His book has me go through what he calls Steps to freedom in Christ and it’s been helpful being able to put words, definitions and scriptures in context to what has been against me spiritually all these years of hiding in my sin and how my false self aided in hiding that sin . I’m an unfinished man plagued by fear much of my life and I’m in process of being healed emotionally and spiritually. No doubt Satan used all this working together to keep me tangled in this particular sin and I’m hopeful and In process of being set free from the many lies that were set into my heart. It’s a tangled web of lies and sin that I’m in process of inviting Christ in to heal and untangle.

 

[Rhomphaeam]

I think what I’m bumping into actually is an unhealthy fear of man, fear of death. some due to learning God wrong for much of my young life and in turn I have not loved well, people or God. Some family generational sin that was passed down as well is contributing . I know I was spiritually and emotionally abused by my late mother and ive carried those scars much of my life unknowingly till recently . I’ve been working through a Bible study book from Neil T Anderson called Letting Go of fear to help give me some clarity as to what’s been happening to me spiritually over my life. His book has me go through what he calls Steps to freedom in Christ and it’s been helpful being able to put words, definitions and scriptures in context to what has been against me spiritually all these years of hiding in my sin and how my false self aided in hiding that sin . I’m an unfinished man plagued by fear much of my life and I’m in process of being healed emotionally and spiritually. No doubt Satan used all this working together to keep me tangled in this particular sin and I’m hopeful and In process of being set free from the many lies that were set into my heart. It’s a tangled web of lies and sin that I’m in process of inviting Christ in to heal and untangle.

Brother, don't let yourself get tangled up in emotional recovery theories. It will often simply empower the flesh - if not your own then others to manipulate your feelings even when their intuition may be entirely accurate. But spiritual things are not precisely emotional things - yet spiritual effects as you have described outside of the pronography issue - can and do have severe emotional leadings. Most of that is the enemy utilising the mistaken use of authority to justify attacking you - and almost all of it produces a self harm tendency in some way or other.

Just walk away from the porn and turn to your wife. The Lord can and will restore your libido and natural affection. Just don't allow guilt to psychologically impede natural things. If you have confessed your sin in a sincere heart remembering that Christ died to take it away - then you have also a basis to remember that your wife wants a faithful and decent man. Be that man, brother.

 

[suzzyQ]

you need to come clean to her and tell her BEFORE she finds out on her own.
Betrayal sucks, but it's even worse to walk in while someone is in the act of betraying or to click open a folder and SURPRISE!

 

[CS1]

you just pray and seek godly counsel. Some talk about betrayal, I did not see the context of that, however, speaking to your wife is something you should do.

 

[suzzyQ]

you just pray and seek godly counsel. Some talk about betrayal, I did not see the context of that, however, speaking to your wife is something you should do.

if she walks in and finds him looking at something, or looks through his phone or computer and finds stuff BEFORE he tells her about it then yeah, she will likely feel betrayed.
It's better he confronts this and tells her BEFORE she finds out another way.
sugar coat it anyway you want to, but I'm sure if you ever found your significant other doing the same you would feel betrayed.