I haven't really shared my testimony here on CC yet. Maybe I should some day. I can understand the feelings you are experiencing though.
I was raised in a Christian home but struggled most of my life with faith and spiritual things. I thought for a while I was born again, but I was not. In my 20's, I walked away from religious things completely.
God left me alone for a while but eventually He destroyed my whole life in order to prove Who is Lord (hint: it's not me!). I lost everything very quickly: apartment, health, job, independence. I thought things would get easier once I finally yielded to God and accepted Jesus as Savior in 2016. Instead they got harder.
I spent two years trying to find medical help for serious health issues. When I finally got a diagnosis (I had a rare food-borne bacterial infection) it took two more years of treatment - including eight months of a heavy duty antibiotic regimen, which plunged me into even deeper depression - to even begin to get me back to being a functional human. While this was going on, I couldn't work at full capacity and had thousands of dollars in medical bills. The woman I loved rejected me and dated and married another man, and because of the relationship between our families and my inability to remove myself from the situation, I had a front row seat for two years having to watch the whole thing in front of my eyes.
In all honesty, it's really only been the last year that my life has started going in any kind of positive direction. And I have been very blessed. I am now debt free. I can work as long as it's not a physically strenuous job. I'm finally getting ready to move into a place of my own again. I found a church I really like.
I wish I could say it's all sunshine and rainbows, but there's still a lot of painful memories and health difficulties even now. Most days I wonder what the point of going through all that was. Most days I wonder what bad things are coming down the road and whether I will be able to survive them.
But I'm still here. God has shown me that suffering is part of the deal. Jesus suffered and had a hard life. It would be foolish to expect that everything will go easy for us. Most of my hopes and dreams have been completely destroyed through my experiences, but I am more assured now than ever that Jesus is Lord, and no matter how this life turns out, no one can take Him from me!
I hope all the best for you, sister.
And I like your dog. Is that a Corgi?