How Happy is Happy Enough?

[inukubo]

Greetings fellow and hopefully more experienced Singletons! I've got a bit of a conundrum and thought I would see what you guys thought or if you have experienced similar, since I'm relatively new to this whole being single and dating thing...

So a little backstory. I had a long and painful marriage to a toxic spouse and just went through the divorce this year. About the time the divorce was finalizing, I met a wonderful, sweet, and beautiful Christian woman who had been through a very similar situation. We bonded pretty quickly, first as friends, but over the past few months it's definitely grown into something more. We both like each other very much, enjoy one another's company, and communicate really well, but we both realize that there are fairly large chunks of each of our lives that the other will never really be able to understand or connect with. I envision the future and think I could really be happy with her, but I wonder how much those other "unexplored areas" would begin to bother me and make me long for more, especially since my ex hardly knew me or shared anything in common with me at all. I know how lonely it can be to be stuck with someone who doesn't know anything about you.

I also have concerns since I know my perspective on relationships is skewed. I was starved of kindness and understanding for so long that I know any little bit of kindness is going to look like the best thing since sliced bread to me. In this situation, I feel like I just stumbled out of hell and fell into a pool of cool water. In God's sovereignty, I know things like that can and do happen, but I also know my perception is messed up so I could be overestimating how good it is. Part of me feels like I should really date other women to get a proper sense of comparison. And then maybe I would also find someone who is a better fit for all of my personality and experience.

I guess my big questions in dating relationships right now are: how happy is happy enough? Can I be happy knowing that someone can only know 60% of who I am? Is that enough? Would I be missing out on someone even better for me?

I know there's probably not a "right" answer to these questions. It's just something I'm going to have to take on faith, but, man, is it hard...

Anyway, would like to hear your thoughts. Peace, ya'll!

 

[Lanolin]

Oh man the poor woman is now finding herself to compared with others while you are dating her. Does she know? Just my thought.

Maybe she is thinking exactly the same wow this christian guy seems alright but I wonder if I should keep my options open too.

 

[inukubo]

Yes, she knows and we are both on the same page. We had this very discussion the other night.

 

[Lanolin]

well.

I dont know if someone can really know EVERYTHING about you unless they are God or ....your mother.

 

[TheIndianGirl]

I guess my big questions in dating relationships right now are: how happy is happy enough? Can I be happy knowing that someone can only know 60% of who I am? Is that enough? Would I be missing out on someone even better for me?

I don't think we can ever know someone 100%. Like, I don't fully know my parents since I didn't know them the first few decades of their lives. Probably the same with a spouse. I think what matters most is if you like, and love, that person. For dating purposes, to know a person and his/her personality, they say you should know them for four seasons in different environments.

 

[Subhumanoidal]

Greetings fellow and hopefully more experienced Singletons! I've got a bit of a conundrum and thought I would see what you guys thought or if you have experienced similar, since I'm relatively new to this whole being single and dating thing...

So a little backstory. I had a long and painful marriage to a toxic spouse and just went through the divorce this year. About the time the divorce was finalizing, I met a wonderful, sweet, and beautiful Christian woman who had been through a very similar situation. We bonded pretty quickly, first as friends, but over the past few months it's definitely grown into something more. We both like each other very much, enjoy one another's company, and communicate really well, but we both realize that there are fairly large chunks of each of our lives that the other will never really be able to understand or connect with. I envision the future and think I could really be happy with her, but I wonder how much those other "unexplored areas" would begin to bother me and make me long for more, especially since my ex hardly knew me or shared anything in common with me at all. I know how lonely it can be to be stuck with someone who doesn't know anything about you.

I also have concerns since I know my perspective on relationships is skewed. I was starved of kindness and understanding for so long that I know any little bit of kindness is going to look like the best thing since sliced bread to me. In this situation, I feel like I just stumbled out of hell and fell into a pool of cool water. In God's sovereignty, I know things like that can and do happen, but I also know my perception is messed up so I could be overestimating how good it is. Part of me feels like I should really date other women to get a proper sense of comparison. And then maybe I would also find someone who is a better fit for all of my personality and experience.

I guess my big questions in dating relationships right now are: how happy is happy enough? Can I be happy knowing that someone can only know 60% of who I am? Is that enough? Would I be missing out on someone even better for me?

I know there's probably not a "right" answer to these questions. It's just something I'm going to have to take on faith, but, man, is it hard...

Anyway, would like to hear your thoughts. Peace, ya'll!

More importantly is the likelihood that you're making a smart decision dating so soon after divorce. The average recommended time before dating again is five years.
If you were that unhappy married it won't take much to make someone seem better than they may really be.
But most importantly you need time to heal and to regain your bearings to ensure you're able to make wise romantic decisions. And that takes time and being on your own for a while. People I've known that jumped into relationships after divorce, well those relationships typically fail. And it's because the divorced person is not ready.

Even now you're unable to be more than a few months into a relationship without you already considering ending it.

Just know that the first six months of a relationship are the best. Your brain releases happy chemicals which makes it easy to overlook many of the flaws and problems of the person you're dating. After six months the chemicals stop producing and that's when many relationships fail. They have not created anything deep or meaningful. Or they become suddenly aware of the others flaws and decide they can't handle them.
And here you are, it sounds like it's been less than six months, and there are already problems.
My guess is your brain and emotions need time to heal. You're paranoid about this relationship already because those happy chemicals can't affect your brain the usual way because your heart and mind are not healthy and recovered.

The problem and question you're presenting is not the issue. Those are just symptoms of the real issue. My recommendation is take time to heal, and stay on your own a while.

 

[Lynx]

How happy is happy enough...

How aware are you of the happy you have?

If you had more happy would you be happier?

Would you keep looking for more happiness?

 

[cinder]

I agree with pretty much everything Sub said. No need to cut off all contact, but I'd recommend setting some boundaries to give yourselves both time to heal.

A while ago someone posted a great article on here that led me to develop the idea of the 2 hour rule which is basically, if you aren't actively dating a person then you shouldn't spend more than 2 hours of one on one time interacting with them every week. The reason being that if you spend more time than that you (or at least one of you, it might be more a girl thing) will end up getting attached and developing the feelings of closeness appropriate for dating rather than just friendship. So that would be my advice on boundaries, but I wouldn't recommend being too legalistic about it.

Other than that, yeah sounds like you both just aren't used to being treated kindly and are really enjoying the novelty of it. When you're hurting kindness is exceptionally powerful it seems, but a relationship based on will this person make me happy is on rocky ground. A relationship based on we want to build this kind of life together is much more solid. (at least that's what a girl who has never dated or been married thinks, so take it for what it's worth)

 

[inukubo]

[Even now you're unable to be more than a few months into a relationship without you already considering ending it.

And here you are, it sounds like it's been less than six months, and there are already problems.
My guess is your brain and emotions need time to heal. You're paranoid about this relationship already because those happy chemicals can't affect your brain the usual way because your heart and mind are not healthy and recovered.

The problem and question you're presenting is not the issue. Those are just symptoms of the real issue. My recommendation is take time to heal, and stay on your own a while.[/QUOTE]

I 100% agree with your advice and that is exactly why I am concerned now, because I know my mindset is likely not completely healed. I had zero intention of dating this early and was perfectly fine being alone, but like I said, life just happened and I know things happen for a reason. And I am definitely NOT thinking of ending it and we are not having "problems." We are just thinking about the future -- something I didn't do the first time around and definitely want to do right from here on out.

 

[Lanolin]

FWIW I think you havent forgiven your previous partner yet since you only just divorced.
I dont know who left who, or any other details other than what you chosen to share, but it is affecting your new friendship.

Cant count the number of times that guys have basically used a gal 'on the rebound' and what ends up is they constantly talk about their ex and start always comparing their new 'friend' to their old one. I mean who does that. She will just feel like a replacement.

Imagine if I did that to a new friend and kept saying well my old friend was so horrible and you are much better. You might think they would feel flattered and want to be with you more but actually I would be like what I dont even know this person you used to be friends with/married to what have they to do with me?

 

[Lanolin]

and ...if they met, what would they say to each other (your new friend and your ex wife?) Shes still alive its not like she died. They may start to compare notes. Thats the thing people dont realise. Will your new friend talk to your ex wife or pointers on what its like to be married to you?

And how do you know you wont run into her ex as well. You might even be friends with him and ask him stuff.

 

[tourist]

Greetings fellow and hopefully more experienced Singletons! I've got a bit of a conundrum and thought I would see what you guys thought or if you have experienced similar, since I'm relatively new to this whole being single and dating thing...

So a little backstory. I had a long and painful marriage to a toxic spouse and just went through the divorce this year. About the time the divorce was finalizing, I met a wonderful, sweet, and beautiful Christian woman who had been through a very similar situation. We bonded pretty quickly, first as friends, but over the past few months it's definitely grown into something more. We both like each other very much, enjoy one another's company, and communicate really well, but we both realize that there are fairly large chunks of each of our lives that the other will never really be able to understand or connect with. I envision the future and think I could really be happy with her, but I wonder how much those other "unexplored areas" would begin to bother me and make me long for more, especially since my ex hardly knew me or shared anything in common with me at all. I know how lonely it can be to be stuck with someone who doesn't know anything about you.

I also have concerns since I know my perspective on relationships is skewed. I was starved of kindness and understanding for so long that I know any little bit of kindness is going to look like the best thing since sliced bread to me. In this situation, I feel like I just stumbled out of hell and fell into a pool of cool water. In God's sovereignty, I know things like that can and do happen, but I also know my perception is messed up so I could be overestimating how good it is. Part of me feels like I should really date other women to get a proper sense of comparison. And then maybe I would also find someone who is a better fit for all of my personality and experience.

I guess my big questions in dating relationships right now are: how happy is happy enough? Can I be happy knowing that someone can only know 60% of who I am? Is that enough? Would I be missing out on someone even better for me?

I know there's probably not a "right" answer to these questions. It's just something I'm going to have to take on faith, but, man, is it hard...

Anyway, would like to hear your thoughts. Peace, ya'll!

There is no point in dating other women if you are happy with the one that you are now seeing. I would say that knowing only 60% of someone after a few months is not bad at all. I would rather have contentment over happiness, which is fleeting and often elusive. I don't think that your perception is messed up at all. Reminds me of a song -
"I'll take my chances,
I forgot how nice romance is,
I haven't been there for the longest time. "

 

[inukubo]

There is no point in dating other women if you are happy with the one that you are now seeing. I would say that knowing only 60% of someone after a few months is not bad at all. I would rather have contentment over happiness, which is fleeting and often elusive. I don't think that your perception is messed up at all. Reminds me of a song -
"I'll take my chances,
I forgot how nice romance is,
I haven't been there for the longest time. "

That's a good point tourist. I really don't actually want to date other people, but I'm just trying to figure out how else I can evaluate what is "baseline" in terms of relationships. I'm probably overthinking it. At any rate, I'm going to continue to take things as slow as I can...

 

[Lanolin]

what I am getting from your response is you dont know how to be a friend.

This is the thing you may think you are in a relationship when you arent even in one.
The woman is being friendly to you and NOW you are thinking you are in a relationship? when you talk about better FIT are you trying to shoehorn her into your life? Like she's some kind of shoe you can just try on?

sorry thats just how it comes across to me. dont confuse dating with being married.

with friends its you get along you enjoy each others company. You have each others backs. Dont complicate things.

if you want to be exclusive then get engaged only if you BOTH want to relieve the trauma of being married. I suspect she doesnt want to be in bondage again and because shes a christian its much better to be free. That is the advice given to all of us in Corninthians....

 

[EmilyNats]

60% isn't much at all, barely over half of you. That's like a semi-close friend, maybe a close friend at best but certainly not spouse level. If you really think that 60% is all the potential that you two will have, then you're kind of begging to be disappointed if you continue with her. It sounds like the main thing that holds you two together is your shared emotions, which is not really a great foundation. I know that personally, being married to someone who you strongly connect with makes it pretty easy and satisfying. I will also say that if you have to ask if you're happy enough, then you probably aren't all that happy at all.

 

[Lanolin]

oop I typo -wrote 'relieve' instead of 'relive'.

Relive the trauma of being married.

its better to be friends for her sake than subject her to bondage... again! . I would definitely respect a womans choice to be free, she is happier that way.

Why do men seem to always assume woman want to be married (to them) I dont know.