Very General; What it Takes to Have a Good Marriage

SophieT · Nov 5, 2021

I would resent having to be 'super nice' all the time. I'm not. and neither is my husband

frankly, and IMO and all that stuff, what it takes is some 'live and let live'. give the other person some room and overlook some things

maybe I'm strange, but super nice ALL the time would annoy me. I like some imperfections

ok, well I just checked and it turns out you are not married Amanuensis. if and when you do take that step, you are in for a (very) steep learning curve

MatthewWestfieldUK · Nov 6, 2021

Lizzy said:

Hey, its life, can't let people break us.
I learned that I must live for me

pottersclay · Nov 6, 2021

Been married almost 40 yrs.
First thing to agree upon is "agree to disagree" and that peaceable.
Women respond to affection and love, men respond to respect and authority.
So both must step up in there different roles in the relationship.
The wife is second only to God. So should be the husband.
If a wife challenges the husband's authority constantly it's usually a sign of insecurities.
If the husband withdraws from his wife's needs and wants it's usually a sign of lack of respect and authority.
There is a balance that has to be made in order for both to share a loving, ever growing relationship with each other.
Men have egos no doubt women need to know how to feed that ego in a healthy way.
A woman of God is a precious jem that should be honored and adorned.
I fall in love with my wife each day..... I miss it just to be in the same room with her sometimes just chilling.
There have been times when we have our differences....I express my view on the matter and she hers.
Time always have proven the answer and it doesn't hurt to concede to one another. It's humbling but makes you grow.
Relationships grow they never become stagnant. In fact I love my wife more now than at the alter some 38 yrs ago. Nothing or nobody can replace her.

GardenofWeeden · Nov 6, 2021

pottersclay said:

My mom gave me great advice about marriage..You can be "right", and you can be "happy", but you can't always be both.

pottersclay · Nov 6, 2021

GardenofWeeden said:

Oh so very true😊😊😊
But I forgot to add our agreement. After 60 yrs I'm gonna kick her to the curb and spend more time fishing on my boat..😂😂😂😂😂

Amanuensis · Nov 6, 2021

SophieT said:

I don't think being nice all the time is being perfect.

The only way I would consider marriage is if I had a great confidence that I had found someone who knew how to be nice all the time.
To be nice all the time is simply being a normal mature, human being. People don't even have to be saved to know how to be nice all the time. You can train yourself to be positive and seek solutions and not even be a Christian. You can train yourself never to raise your voice in anger or start a sentence in a manner that would make it hard for the other person to receive it. Benjamin Franklin had some good tips on how to do this which made him the best person to send as the US Ambassador to France and was the reason he had so many friends in congress.

If there are things that need to be addressed or talked about you sit down and talk about them while giving each other civil respect and courtesy to listen and consider one another's point of view. If you don't come to an agreement quickly you can have rules to discuss it further when both have had time to consider all the facts and come back together again with new information to present.

Always being nice and kind is not abnormal, it is normal. Being angry, hostile, yelling, critical, demeaning, loud, interruptive, etc.. is not normal. Those who think it is, will not get help and will not get better. Pity the mate that has to endure that living hell.

It is true that if one gets their worldview of what is normal from TV and media they will have a warped idea that rude, unkind, caustic behavior is normal but it really isn't. The majority of people don't act like the drama queens and kings on TV. They find it highly distasteful and they are not tempted in their weakest moments to carry on that way.

Speaking of which, I would never consider pursuing a relationship with a woman who watches female drama reality TV shows. The fact that she is not disturbed by it and seeks it out to watch it reveals that she thinks "that is just how girls are" which means she is in some kind of 15 year old mental state of arrested development and cannot comprehend what is actually normal mature womanhood behavior.

I do believe that the number one reason people get divorced is not over finances. It is ARGUING over finances. But the problem is the ARGUING. Even if they are rich they will still get divorced because they haven't dealt with the unkind communication problem. So the number one reason people get divorced is because they FIGHT.

Amanuensis · Nov 7, 2021

GardenofWeeden said:

I was married for 27 years before my husband passed. What I learned is that Love isn't some gushy feeling you have. It's a choice we make. Sometimes it's an unconscious choice, and sometimes it take a deliberate thought to choose to love the other. Let's face it, everyone is unlovable at times, and it take a real commitment to choose to love someone who's unlovable. After those gushy feelings turn into real lives, with kids, jobs and commitments, and runny noses, soccer practice, laundry, dishes, grass to cut and car repairs, if you still understand that the person who you choose to love is the reason you are blessed with all that mess, then you will be able to work through most trials life sends you. And marry someone you enjoy talking to, because there will be times when talking is all you can do, so make sure you enjoy their company beyond the physical, but don't forsake the physical when you can. Building real intimacy just makes sense that it will keep you close. If you desire the touch of the other, you will WANT to be around them.
I could go on for hours with what made our marriage last, but it's late. Just some late night ramblings.

I am sorry for your loss. I hope you find someone who you can enjoy such a life with once again. And I bet you were nice to him most of the time, even when you were mad.

SophieT · Nov 7, 2021

Amanuensis said:

I don't think being nice all the time is being perfect.

The only way I would consider marriage is if I had a great confidence that I had found someone who knew how to be nice all the time.
To be nice all the time is simply being a normal mature, human being. People don't even have to be saved to know how to be nice all the time. You can train yourself to be positive and seek solutions and not even be a Christian. You can train yourself never to raise your voice in anger or start a sentence in a manner that would make it hard for the other person to receive it. Benjamin Franklin had some good tips on how to do this which made him the best person to send as the US Ambassador to France and was the reason he had so many friends in congress.

If there are things that need to be addressed or talked about you sit down and talk about them while giving each other civil respect and courtesy to listen and consider one another's point of view. If you don't come to an agreement quickly you can have rules to discuss it further when both have had time to consider all the facts and come back together again with new information to present.

Always being nice and kind is not abnormal, it is normal. Being angry, hostile, yelling, critical, demeaning, loud, interruptive, etc.. is not normal. Those who think it is, will not get help and will not get better. Pity the mate that has to endure that living hell.

It is true that if one gets their worldview of what is normal from TV and media they will have a warped idea that rude, unkind, caustic behavior is normal but it really isn't. The majority of people don't act like the drama queens and kings on TV. They find it highly distasteful and they are not tempted in their weakest moments to carry on that way.

Speaking of which, I would never consider pursuing a relationship with a woman who watches female drama reality TV shows. The fact that she is not disturbed by it and seeks it out to watch it reveals that she thinks "that is just how girls are" which means she is in some kind of 15 year old mental state of arrested development and cannot comprehend what is actually normal mature womanhood behavior.

I do believe that the number one reason people get divorced is not over finances. It is ARGUING over finances. But the problem is the ARGUING. Even if they are rich they will still get divorced because they haven't dealt with the unkind communication problem. So the number one reason people get divorced is because they FIGHT.

you know what is a killer of many marriages? (not to mention relationships)

unmet expectations

not sure you would be willing to go into the water above your ankles either

Amanuensis · Nov 7, 2021

SophieT said:

Good point. Expectations are a source of disappointment. Similar to the idea of personal rights. When someone crosses ones "lines" that they have created. These all have their roots in a life that is self serving. My guess is that most people enter marriage for self serving reasons. Thus the disaster is soon exposed. The idea of entering a marriage by finding pleasure in serving another is not attractive to most and therefore better that they remain single.
I know that the ideal is a "give and take" but in reality being a giver all the time works out better. Forget about the taking part, as your expectations will be disappointed often. Just keep giving and keep being nice as you have a heavenly reward even if it does not seem to be appreciated in this life.

Check out those that have been married for 50 years or more. What is the number one thing you find? They are super nice to each other all the time. 24x7. The perfect example of civility and politeness. Oh you can find some bizarre exception to the rule but an exception to the rule is not useful to answering the question "what is the secret to a good marriage?" That which is most common among these old couples of 50, 60, 70 years is their impeccable kindness to one another. If you know at least two couples who have been married this long you can probably attest to this fact. They are super nice to each other.

So what should we do about this information? If we want to make our mate have the best life they can live start being very nice to them all the time even when you don't feel like it. Do it for their own quality of life and yours will improve as a result.

This counseling session has been provided free of charge. For more extensive sessions please call my office and make and appointment. We accept most insurance and also provide billing on a sliding scale dependent upon you financial situation in life.

GardenofWeeden · Nov 7, 2021

Amanuensis said:

For a LONG time he didn't understand what I meant when I told him that I believe love is a choice, until one day he came and told me that he understood and when he understood.

We had quarreled, and when he got upset he would go putter around in the garage doing what he did out there when we quarreled (usually organize his tool boxes and work bench). I was in the kitchen furiously scrubbing the sink and counters (I clean or cook when upset). He cut his hand on something, and came inside to clean it off. Without missing a beat, I stopped what I was doing and gently tended his cut, cleaning, making sure it didn't need stitches and bandaging it. Then I went back to my furious scrubbing without saying a word. He said that was when he understood that love was a choice, because even though I was furious with him I still stopped what I was doing to make sure he was okay.

I get what you mean about being nice to him, and I am certain that I was nice to him most of the time, but being nice isn't the exact word I would use. I became love to him even in my anger. It's so much more than being nice.

Lizzy · Nov 7, 2021

montana123 said:

People fight over every thing there is to fight about and now it is time for the men and women to fight.

It was inevitable.

We are down to the nitty gritty the last fighting of the last fighting where the world will fight against the Christians.

This is not Little House on the Prairie anymore.

People are at their most arrogant, selfish, and self exalting behavior in the whole history of mankind.

They will become so arrogant that they will not want to hear the truth of the Bible but want to hear it according to their own lusts which is the new age movement which interprets the Bible according to the occult and evolution and people are still evolving to be spiritual and there is no personal God.

It is not so popular now but when the New Age Christ establishes peace in the Middle East he will push the new age movement until the world rebels against God.

At that time they will forbid a man and a woman to marry for population reduction.

People do not trust as much, do not care as much, do not value people as much, they are a dime a dozen, they are not important to people as much, they want to have their way more today than at any other time, and they do not give as much when it comes to marriage.

Everybody wants to have their way now and men and women are at odds more than any other time so marriages will not work out as well as the past.

Like I said this is not Little House on the Prairie anymore.

And the powers that be love it for they want the men and women to fight, they want the people to turn homosexual, they want the children to rebel against parents, and they want all people to exalt themselves above each other.

For in order to put everyone equal for the kingdom to come they must knock down the men and boost the women.

They must knock down the heterosexuals and boost the homosexuals.

They must knock down the parents and boost the children which they loved the 1960's counter culture movement for it started children to disobey parents and they loved that they were rebelling against authority.

Pro 30:11 There is a generation that curseth their father, and doth not bless their mother.
Pro 30:12 There is a generation that are pure in their own eyes, and yet is not washed from their filthiness.
Pro 30:13 There is a generation, O how lofty are their eyes! and their eyelids are lifted up.
Pro 30:14 There is a generation, whose teeth are as swords, and their jaw teeth as knives, to devour the poor from off the earth, and the needy from among men.

The last generation.

In all that you wrote, well, I won't comment , but its very sad and hopeless. I do not think the world is hopeless. I know there is hope. And, you said that marraiges will not work out like they did in the past. I completely disagree. I know that what God has joined together, no one can destroy. He does send blessings. he does bless marraiges and relationships. He is very good and very generous with His love.

montana123 · Nov 8, 2021

Lizzy said:

I kind of went overboard but people are more selfish and self exalting today than years ago but marriages will work out with the Lord and many marriages work out.

I like my freedom too much to get married for it seems better for me which I was like that since I was a child.

elights · Nov 9, 2021

Marital life, like any other dimension of life can only be good and successful when God is at the center of it,I know that honesty,love,commitment among others are some of the key elements in a good marriage,none of such can be genuinely found in a heart that has no relationship with God.for example it’s difficult to find True or real love from someone who hasn’t learned to LOVE God!!!

peachyking · Nov 9, 2021

Williejay1975 said:

The blessing of God.

Amanuensis · Nov 9, 2021

One thing is for certain. If you do marry, you will have trouble in the flesh. It's part of it.

You will also have to spend a significant amount of time doing things that have no eternal significance. It's part of it.

The question you must ask is.."Are the benefits of marriage worth the hard work and life of servitude?"

To some the answer will be YES! YES!, to others, if they were honest they would say NO! NO! NO!.. and these often do not consider the ramifications of marriage life until after they are well into it and then they must adjust their personalities to submit to the yoke they have committed to.

If giving the other person first place 24x7 is not your idea of a fun life, don't get married.

A pessimistic view? Only to those who do not have a servants heart.

Nehemiah6 · Nov 10, 2021

Amanuensis said:

And if you remain single everything will be tickety-boo? This is a rather shallow assessment of marriage, which actually God-ordained for all humanity. Christ already told us that the single state is for very few. And Paul admonished the younger widows to marry, bear children, and maintain top-notch households. Indeed no elder could be considered for that office unless he was married, and had brought up his children in the faith.

Lizzy · Nov 10, 2021

Amanuensis said:

Even if you don't marry, won't you have struggles in the flesh? Also, when you marry someone for the right reasons, which I did for over 30 years till he passed away, I never one time thought to myself, " Hmmmm, I wonder if what I'm doing for him will reap me eternal significance?" Nope, i did things for him because i loved him and I cared about him. Marriage is not for everyone, but I think you have an interesting outlook on it, and of course if that works for you, great. But yes, it's about commitment, dedication and 24/7 life, not perfect, but it can be amazing and fulfilling and fabulous. I hear so many people in this world that are so unhappy in their relationships and in dating or whatever, but I think a big problem is that a persons heart is so negative and bitter before they're ready to be with anybody. But, I do believe true love is real and if its your desire to have a beautiful, loving marriage don't give up.

TheIndianGirl · Nov 10, 2021

Amanuensis said:

Marriage is definitely hard work and requires sacrifice, as each person needs to learn how to navigate life together through the ups and downs and also sacrifice their own personal desires and freedoms. One example of sacrifice is that it is very possible that the couple may not spend as much time with their own parents and other family after marriage (there was a post earlier where the husband was upset about the wife spending months with her family). However, marriage can be rewarding if both people love eachother and stay committed; it is always good to have a cheerleader by your side. However, if the spouse is not supportive, then maybe the marriage is not rewarding but I do think the person can grow closer to God in this process. Since singles are not serving another person, there is less work in that sense and all that is involved, however on the flip side singles have to rely on themselves solely which is also hard work in that sense.

listenyoumustAll · Nov 10, 2021

Williejay1975 said:

All knowledge is in God . knowing God is upholding his judgements and statues in all that pertains to the believer. In marriage its no different ,when Jesus is the center focus my friend nothing going wrong will last because there will always be reconciliation. . am not saying there will be no differences ,I am saying the couple will work through it because of the love in Jesus . many scriptures in the bible edify on marriage ,I would always advise christian marriage counselling for any couple . God's kind of love towards man is the goal . its the goal for any believer in Christ . stay blessed

Amanuensis · Nov 11, 2021

Nehemiah6 said:

Marraige was not commanded for elders or deacons. The instructions were to be blameless and if married to be married to only one wife and if they had children to govern them well.

Single men could be elders and deacons. Paul would never command marriage. He would not command to be single either. Paul made it clear that it was a choice. Jesus made is clear that it was related to this life only and that in heaven we are not married.

If one has the gift of celibacy it is beneficial to Gospel ministry.

Not very many choose this life but those that have the gift do avoid many cares of this life that would be distractions.

This teaching gets a hostile reaction to those that are married or those who want to be married but it shouldn't.

Married people are not more qualified for ministry than single people and single people are not more spiritual than married people.

It is a fact that single Gospel preachers have more study and prayer time, if they will take advantage of it. Few will do so. That is a discipline issue.

Very General; What it Takes to Have a Good Marriage

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