Will I ever get a good wife of Christ?

[seoulsearch]

Exactly, this is one of the promises I require in a woman to marry her.

I know that her today's words will not have any effect on her future so I will not directly ask her to "stay the same forever", rather, I will tell how predictable she is judging the personality, moods and behaviours she has had during the courting years in the different stages of the relationship (I have noticed that you can often tell whether a person is stable or not after meeting them for a time). If her score on predictability is low, then there's no marriage between us. Unpredictable people rarely change for the good and marrying one is an huge risk. I know marriages who have fallen apart because one party has suddenly decided not to stay in a monogamous relationship any longer.

After reading your other threads and posts, it interesting that you apparently see your own self as being the epitome of stability.

You must think that of yourself in order to expect/demand that from someone else?

And if not, as we've asked a hundred times before, how can you demand a characteristic from someone that you yourself don't qualify as being?

 

[Zdenek]

After reading your other threads and posts, it interesting that you apparently see your own self as being the epitome of stability.

Sorry, what threads? This is my only one...

 

[Zdenek]

I would say that if there is anything that you cannot accept then maybe it would be best to pass on that woman. If she was an atheist you might want to reconsider. Or a Satanist. Or possibly despicable character trait such as being mean-spirited or selfish.

And this is what I have thought since the beginning. Agree.

 

[tourist]

Exactly, this is one of the promises I require in a woman to marry her.

I know that her today's words will not have any effect on her future so I will not directly ask her to "stay the same forever", rather, I will tell how predictable she is judging the personality, moods and behaviours she has had during the courting years in the different stages of the relationship (I have noticed that you can often tell whether a person is stable or not after knowing them for a time). If her score on predictability is low, then there's no marriage between us. Unpredictable people rarely change for the good and marrying one is an huge risk. I know marriages who have fallen apart because one party has suddenly decided not to stay in a monogamous relationship any longer.

Courting years? In my case, courting weeks. Being overly tentative and cautious is not going to cut it in the game of love. You reach a point where you either know what you want or you don't. The time to be careful is before the relationship even begins in possible choices.

Of course, you may still end up with a broken heart. Relationships, especially those that may lead to marriage, are a calculated risk. Eventually, you have to let the dice fly and see how they roll. Or be content to remain single.

My counsel, is to know what you are looking for in a spouse and be prepared to act decisively when an opportunity arises. If you wait until everything is perfect, all lights are green, all T's and I's are crossed, you will probably remain alone for many years to come.

Don't waste precious years being overly anxious and acting tentative. I am sure that you have prayed about this. Allow God to find the woman of your heart's desire and then, at the right time, go for it.

 

[seoulsearch]

Sorry, what threads? This is my only one...

I posted this towards the beginning of this current thread:

For anyone replying to this thread, you might want to take a few minutes to check out these two other threads in comparison:

https://christianchat.com/christian...ere-single-christian-girls-in-finland.200207/

https://christianchat.com/christian...d-christian-girl-from-france-to-marry.199441/

Both asked exactly the same things, gave nearly identical information (a 19-year-old in the first French thread, then supposed 29-year-old in the Finland thread,) both wanted a teenage bride they could keep total control of (she would not be allowed to work, go to school, or talk to anyone else,) so that she would worship him indefinitely.

Both would not take any advice, would not listen to anything people poured their hearts out in telling them, repeatedly asked people to repeat and explain themselves, never actually read what people wrote, and insisted that people give them a guarantee that absolutely, undoubtedly find the teenage love slave they insisted they deserved for their faithfulness to God.

(Current observation regarding Zdenek: You just mentioned a few posts back that since the Bible says that those who burn with passion should marry, you believe that you deserve the wife you are hoping for.)

If you are someone different, I wish you all the best, but these threads contain all the information anyone had to give -- along with the same neverending circular reasoning/questions from the OP.

 

[Zdenek]

Ok, given the posts you offered me, I think there is a terrific misunderstanding between the "changes" I was thinking of and the "changes" you were thinking of that needs to be addressed.

Seriously, I never meant "changes" like preferring a red dress today and preffering a blue one tomorrow. Neither I meant, personal progress as one gets closer to God (that's good). I actually meant the undesirable changes no one of you would want. The ones which would leave one estranged and abandoned, feeling like this is not the person they married. This can include for example, that she starts to seek a more independent, socially oriented life away from her husband (such as by spending more time outside home or creating social media profiles and adding contacts), or that she gradually alienates from religion and God (such as by going less and less often to church, in a bad mood or stopping going at all or starting to experiment with Buddhism or engaging in occult practices).

There are people (and especially women, in my opinion) who are very unstable and confused with themselves, and often take sudden unexpected U-turns throughout their lives even if their life conditions (marriage, work, friendships etc) are favourable. Often, their problems come from their own emotions and not from external causes. They can't even handle themselves. I literally know a neighbour who switched her faith 4 times in her life (she was raised atheist, then baptized and converted to Christianity, then converted to Islam, then turned atheist again and now is getting started with Wicca). And this is what I want to avoid.

I hope you get the point.

 

[tourist]

Ok, given the posts you offered me, I think there is a terrific misunderstanding between the "changes" I was thinking of and the "changes" you were thinking of that needs to be addressed.

Seriously, I never meant "changes" like preferring a red dress today and preffering a blue one tomorrow. Neither I meant, personal progress as one gets closer to God (that's good). I actually meant the undesirable changes no one of you would want. The ones which would leave one estranged and abandoned, feeling like this is not the person they married. This can include for example, that she starts to seek a more independent, socially oriented life away from her husband (such as by spending more time outside home or creating social media profiles and adding contacts), or that she gradually alienates from religion and God (such as by going less and less often to church, in a bad mood or stopping going at all or starting to experiment with Buddhism or engaging in occult practices).

There are people (and especially women, in my opinion) who are very unstable and confused with themselves, and often take sudden unexpected U-turns throughout their lives even if their life conditions (marriage, work, friendships etc) are favourable. Often, their problems come from their own emotions and not from external causes. They can't even handle themselves. I literally know a neighbour who switched her faith 4 times in her life (she was raised atheist, then baptized and converted to Christianity, then converted to Islam, then turned atheist again and now is getting started with Wicca). And this is what I want to avoid.

I hope you get the point.

OK, what you really desire is a woman who is a Christian and is spiritually stable rather than unstable. Makes sense. Good post.

 

[seoulsearch]

Ok, given the posts you offered me, I think there is a terrific misunderstanding between the "changes" I was thinking of and the "changes" you were thinking of that needs to be addressed.

Seriously, I never meant "changes" like preferring a red dress today and preffering a blue one tomorrow. Neither I meant, personal progress as one gets closer to God (that's good). I actually meant the undesirable changes no one of you would want. The ones which would leave one estranged and abandoned, feeling like this is not the person they married. This can include for example, that she starts to seek a more independent, socially oriented life away from her husband (such as by spending more time outside home or creating social media profiles and adding contacts), or that she gradually alienates from religion and God (such as by going less and less often to church, in a bad mood or stopping going at all or starting to experiment with Buddhism or engaging in occult practices).

There are people (and especially women, in my opinion) who are very unstable and confused with themselves, and often take sudden unexpected U-turns throughout their lives even if their life conditions (marriage, work, friendships etc) are favourable. Often, their problems come from their own emotions and not from external causes. They can't even handle themselves. I literally know a
neighbour who switched her faith 4 times in her life (she was raised atheist, then baptized and converted to Christianity, then converted to Islam, then turned atheist again and now is getting started with Wicca). And this is what I want to avoid.

I hope you get the point.

Thank you for clarifying your thoughts regarding this.

 

[kaylagrl]

Ok, given the posts you offered me, I think there is a terrific misunderstanding between the "changes" I was thinking of and the "changes" you were thinking of that needs to be addressed.

Seriously, I never meant "changes" like preferring a red dress today and preffering a blue one tomorrow. Neither I meant, personal progress as one gets closer to God (that's good). I actually meant the undesirable changes no one of you would want. The ones which would leave one estranged and abandoned, feeling like this is not the person they married. This can include for example, that she starts to seek a more independent, socially oriented life away from her husband (such as by spending more time outside home or creating social media profiles and adding contacts), or that she gradually alienates from religion and God (such as by going less and less often to church, in a bad mood or stopping going at all or starting to experiment with Buddhism or engaging in occult practices).

There are people (and especially women, in my opinion) who are very unstable and confused with themselves, and often take sudden unexpected U-turns throughout their lives even if their life conditions (marriage, work, friendships etc) are favourable. Often, their problems come from their own emotions and not from external causes. They can't even handle themselves. I literally know a neighbour who switched her faith 4 times in her life (she was raised atheist, then baptized and converted to Christianity, then converted to Islam, then turned atheist again and now is getting started with Wicca). And this is what I want to avoid.

I hope you get the point.

Well I wanted to read what some of the other married folks said before I jumped in and I wanted to see what your questions were. The men before me gave good and Godly advice. If you are looking for a woman, the right one then you should be prayerfully asking God to send the right person your way. I'll assume you are already doing so. Bet there are two big things in a marriage that can cause it to go south fast, first you need to learn to be flexible, and a second big issue is expectations. Now it's not to say that communication isn't important, it certainly is. But you need to be flexible, be willing to bend, even when you think you are right, for the sake of your marriage.

I grew up in a family where my parents were always fighting. It seemed to me they were always on the verge of divorce. They are both very strong people and that's good, they've come through hard times together and that strength helped them through. But when if comes to be flexible, it's not their strong point, especially my father. He's old school, you make a plan, you don't change it. Now my husband and I aren't like that. If we plan something and it has to be changed we don't let it ruin our day. If you're going to be married, you have to learn to go with the flow, things seldom go as planned, and the more people you add the more likely it won't go as planned.

Expectations, a big killer in relationships. What you expect of her, what she expects of you. You fall in love, that person in perfect in your eyes, you can't even imagine being upset at them, they are so perfect, sweet, cute. I believe it was Billy Graham who said " Divorce has never been mentioned in our home. Murder, maybe..." It's also been said that when someone is murdered, the first person they interview is the spouse, and that tells you all you need to know about marriage. All joking aside, people change. You will both change. The only thing you can do is stay close to God as a couple, ask for Him to change you both for the better. Marriage is giving up your right to be right and putting that other person before yourself. Now only God knows a persons heart and He can't force anyone to serve Him if they choose not to. But prayerfully and carefully make your choice in a partner and I think you will have a good marriage. Then you will grow together and not apart. Hopefully that helps, unless there are other questions you have?

 

[JohnDB]

Exactly, this is one of the promises I require in a woman to marry her.

I know that her today's words will not have any effect on her future so I will not directly ask her to "stay the same forever", rather, I will tell how predictable she is judging the personality, moods and behaviours she has had during the courting years in the different stages of the relationship (I have heard that you can often tell whether a person is stable or not after meeting them for a time). If her score on predictability is low, then there's no marriage between us. Unpredictable people rarely change for the good and marrying one is an huge risk. I know marriages who have fallen apart because one party has suddenly decided not to stay in a monogamous relationship any longer.

Well monogamy is a big big deal in marriage...of course the monogamy can't change.

I'm smelling a red herring.

 

[JohnDB]

And one other thing...
My wife was extremely introverted when I met her...
Now she isn't quite an extrovert but is very borderline in that way. Which is a rather major change...

 

[Zdenek]

And one other thing...
My wife was extremely introverted when I met her...
Now she isn't quite an extrovert but is very borderline in that way. Which is a rather major change...

Oh. That's one change I honestly wouldn't like much.

I want a wife who is more timid and introverted than myself, so that I may feel a man and always take the lead in the relationship. And so that she doesn't go out with friends away from me probably doing stuff she wouldn't reveal me (not necessarily cheating, also gossiping, criticizing me or being more intimate with them than with me), and since I know I can't distance anyone from their friends, I just will seek a woman with no social life outside the family. And she wouldn't be yelling and slandering me everytime I do something she doesn't like (this doesn't mean she has to blindly agree with me on everything, rather that she has to be calm and respectful when handling disagreements and whenever she gets too upset, she just stops the conversation).

And no I don't pretend to abuse or turn her into some kind of bed and kitchen slave, look I'm also timid and introverted and I simply can't handle a more extraverted person, much less a wife. None of us are accustomed to the other, so things always go bad this way. I have also heard that many women cheat on their husbands/boyfriends because they get bored of them, so I need a guarantee that the woman I will marry will be able to spend her lifetime with me. The Bible strongly advises against being unequally yoked, and I think this can be applied not only to religious differences.

 

[JohnDB]

Oh. That's one change I honestly wouldn't like much.

I want a wife who is more timid and introverted than myself, so that I may feel a man and always take the lead in the relationship. And so that she doesn't go out with friends away from me probably doing stuff she wouldn't reveal me (not necessarily cheating, also gossiping, criticizing me or being more intimate with them than with me), and since I know I can't distance anyone from their friends, I just will seek a woman with no social life outside the family. And she wouldn't be yelling and slandering me everytime I do something she doesn't like (this doesn't mean she has to blindly agree with me on everything, rather that she has to be calm and respectful when handling disagreements and whenever she gets too upset, she just stops the conversation).

And no I don't pretend to abuse or turn her into some kind of bed and kitchen slave, look I'm also timid and introverted and I simply can't handle a more extraverted person, much less a wife. None of us are accustomed to the other, so things always go bad this way. I have also heard that many women cheat on their husbands/boyfriends because they get bored of them, so I need a guarantee that the woman I will marry will be able to spend her lifetime with me. The Bible strongly advises against being unequally yoked, and I think this can be applied not only to religious differences.

You do understand that what you are describing is a recipe for failure.

Community Involvement is a major important life skill that if not present will doom a marriage.

My wife is usually going out with the ladies... Usually it's just the ladies from church and work. They have lunches and evenings out and little coffee clutches. Big deal...she comes home from them all excited and happy.

Trust is a major role in a marriage...I trust my wife. She isn't going to do anything that I wouldn't or belittle me behind my back. Besides...I'm friends with these ladies' husband's and know their kids by name...they all know me too. I take their kids fishing and all kinds of fun stuff. These aren't like work acquaintances. These are church friends.

It's just part of having a rich and full life...caring about our fellow man. You can't be a Christian in a vacuum. Faith requires exercising of that faith.

But more specifically... you aren't understanding what a marriage is vs isn't. There is a LOT of vulnerability in marriage. She has my heart in her hands...She is me and I is she...we are ONE. Sure she can be independent but chooses not to be...she is part of "we". I trust her blindly... even though she can be clutzy at times.

If she chose to hurt me she is only hurting herself...and vice versa.

This is all possible because we love each other. Naked love without reservation or hesitation. Not physical nakedness but emotional nakedness.
I know her thoughts just as well as my own...(hers are scary sometimes) but mostly they are identical.

A car salesman once tried to get different answers out of us(trying to make a sale)...he was so barking up the wrong tree...we laughed at him and ourselves because we were giving the exact same answers to his questions... like a pair of twins. First one at a time and then in unison.

 

[kaylagrl]

Oh. That's one change I honestly wouldn't like much.

I want a wife who is more timid and introverted than myself, so that I may feel a man and always take the lead in the relationship.

Oh, so you can't feel like a man unless you feel your wife is less than you. Red flag number one. A real man knows who he is within himself, he doesn't need to push his wife into the shadows.

And so that she doesn't go out with friends away from me probably doing stuff she wouldn't reveal me (not necessarily cheating, also gossiping, criticizing me or being more intimate with them than with me), and since I know I can't distance anyone from their friends, I just will seek a woman with no social life outside the family.

Right, then you want her to never change and have her own wants and needs. Red flag number two. It's good and healthy for a couple to have friends and to do things separately once in a while. The fact that you assume your woman would be gossiping or putting you down shows you're very insecure and naive, not to mention immature.

And she wouldn't be yelling and slandering me everytime I do something she doesn't like (this doesn't mean she has to blindly agree with me on everything, rather that she has to be calm and respectful when handling disagreements and whenever she gets too upset, she just stops the conversation).

She has to be calm and respectful. Well, then we come to expectations. And when you take away a persons right to be who they are and enjoy things separately from you that doesn't tend to make them feel calm and respectful. It seems you have all the expectations for her to be a certain way, what can she expect of you. She's human, she's going to have expectations of her own. Or did you not think about that?

And no I don't pretend to abuse or turn her into some kind of bed and kitchen slave, look I'm also timid and introverted and I simply can't handle a more extraverted person, much less a wife. None of us are accustomed to the other, so things always go bad this way. I have also heard that many women cheat on their husbands/boyfriends because they get bored of them, so I need a guarantee that the woman I will marry will be able to spend her lifetime with me. The Bible strongly advises against being unequally yoked, and I think this can be applied not only to religious differences.

 

[proverbs35]

Oh, so you can't feel like a man unless you feel your wife is less than you. Red flag number one. A real man knows who he is within himself, he doesn't need to push his wife into the shadows.





Right, then you want her to never change and have her own wants and needs. Red flag number two. It's good and healthy for a couple to have friends and to do things separately once in a while. The fact that you assume your woman would be gossiping or putting you down shows you're very insecure and naive, not to mention immature.






She has to be calm and respectful. Well, then we come to expectations. And when you take away a persons right to be who they are and enjoy things separately from you that doesn't tend to make them feel calm and respectful. It seems you have all the expectations for her to be a certain way, what can she expect of you. She's human, she's going to have expectations of her own. Or did you not think about that?

I definitely agree. There are multiple red flags in his posts.

 

[kaylagrl]

I didn't get to answer this last part...

And no I don't pretend to abuse or turn her into some kind of bed and kitchen slave, look I'm also timid and introverted and I simply can't handle a more extraverted person, much less a wife.
.

Why can't you? Opposites attract. You're going to have two introverts? Most couples have one person that is more outgoing than the other. That doesn't make them unfaithful, a gossip or someone that criticizes. Hubby and I share that personality, one day he is more outgoing, some days I am. Two introverts are not good, especially if you're planning to have children, not good at all.

None of us are accustomed to the other, so things always go bad this way.

No, that's what you have yourself believing. If you believe things will always go bad and you have no faith in yourself and your partner, then things will go bad.

I have also heard that many women cheat on their husbands/boyfriends because they get bored of them, so I need a guarantee that the woman I will marry will be able to spend her lifetime with me. The Bible strongly advises against being unequally yoked, and I think this can be applied not only to religious differences.

Well I've heard many dogs eat their poop, but I've never owned one that has. See that sentence is called a "general" statement. You "heard" "many" women cheat. No, you're making an assumption with no facts. It backs up your suspicions so you believe it. I don't expect you to listen, but you'd do yourself a huge favor to get some Christian counseling and give your self some time to mature before you try a relationship. Otherwise with all of your suspicions and distrust of women in general, your relationship will fail. Best of luck either way.

 

[TheLearner]

What's even wrong with that? If I marry a woman, it's because I select that woman the way she is. Why do I have to be comfortable with a different wife afterwards if that was not part of the agreement?

My Father had 18 wives that was a nightmare.

 

[TheLearner]

Wife is awake, she will kick me off soon.

 

[TheLearner]

Thanks all

 

[Zdenek]

Nevermind this is not a debate thread about how the perfect woman should be, so please let's stop this argument and get back to topic. It's not going to end well.

While I'm not perfect and nobody is perfect, I'm worried that I may not be able to find a compatible woman due to the reasons I explained. There are very few believers here. And even fewer who share my values about, for example sex. My country is often labelled as a sex paradise (that means, an immoral sex paradise), and even Germans visit my country for sex. Most women and men here have a very relaxed view of sexuality and do not see anything bad in masturbation, extramarital sex or abortion. So I feel very lonely in this country. Ok, being honest this will not be any better in much of the western part of Europe but the feeling remains. It seems that not only France Scandinavia or the UK but also countries with an heavy Catholic tradition like Spain or Ireland are falling quite fast to this trend, which is very sad. At least we are not being flooded with Muslims and blacks like western Europe is, for now.