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I wish I wouldn't fail to be perfect and that I could undo many of the things I've done in my life. I truly hate that.
You might be wondering what now? What's going on this time with this person and I suppose I do no good but keeping it to myself so I'll explain.
When you get lonely you get very much desperate, and even I can't deny that. I have yet to master myself out of loneliness and that's actually part of the reason I came here more recently again. I want to change for the better of myself and for God.... but at the same time I am a fool. I have been trying to get a girlfriend for the longest of time because well I want that family, that happiness that love.... but I hate waiting and I think that these dating sites have taken my soul because the dopamine they produce is overwhelming.
Anyway I say I am a fool because a girl came along and well loneliness... she asked for some money I gave her some money and I gave it to her, not at first but after a while I would give in. We were planning on meeting because I wanted to hangout, which is code for I actually wanted sex but didn't want to say it out loud, and she is what I would call a Escort. Well I am truly a fool.
I didn't me her as I actually just blocked her finally because something in me told myself to run. "Run far away, keep running please, don't do this, you're better than this" and the bible quote that popped in my head "Flee from Sexually immorality". I just couldn't do it.
Personally right now I feel like I deserve the bottom of Hell, and should be executed for my evil. I just want to be free from my sin, but it always feels like a losing war. Sin pushed up from behind with a counterattack and I'm caught off guard on the battlefield. I share this with you today in hopes that I myself find peace in this and that others who relate or don't and could see that this is indeed a dangerous path.... but I am just like every other person and I fall into my sin.... but I want to be better than that... I don't want to lose, I refuse.. Jesus didn't give up so why should I? Even if I am not him, I just want to be free, to be saved... I don't want to use Jesus as an excuse to sin. That's weakness in my eyes, I don't think Jesus died so that you could Sin, and even now I tell myself that, but I am still just another sinner regardless of that.
and I wish I wouldn't fail....
You might be wondering what now? What's going on this time with this person and I suppose I do no good but keeping it to myself so I'll explain.
When you get lonely you get very much desperate, and even I can't deny that. I have yet to master myself out of loneliness and that's actually part of the reason I came here more recently again. I want to change for the better of myself and for God.... but at the same time I am a fool. I have been trying to get a girlfriend for the longest of time because well I want that family, that happiness that love.... but I hate waiting and I think that these dating sites have taken my soul because the dopamine they produce is overwhelming.
Anyway I say I am a fool because a girl came along and well loneliness... she asked for some money I gave her some money and I gave it to her, not at first but after a while I would give in. We were planning on meeting because I wanted to hangout, which is code for I actually wanted sex but didn't want to say it out loud, and she is what I would call a Escort. Well I am truly a fool.
I didn't me her as I actually just blocked her finally because something in me told myself to run. "Run far away, keep running please, don't do this, you're better than this" and the bible quote that popped in my head "Flee from Sexually immorality". I just couldn't do it.
Personally right now I feel like I deserve the bottom of Hell, and should be executed for my evil. I just want to be free from my sin, but it always feels like a losing war. Sin pushed up from behind with a counterattack and I'm caught off guard on the battlefield. I share this with you today in hopes that I myself find peace in this and that others who relate or don't and could see that this is indeed a dangerous path.... but I am just like every other person and I fall into my sin.... but I want to be better than that... I don't want to lose, I refuse.. Jesus didn't give up so why should I? Even if I am not him, I just want to be free, to be saved... I don't want to use Jesus as an excuse to sin. That's weakness in my eyes, I don't think Jesus died so that you could Sin, and even now I tell myself that, but I am still just another sinner regardless of that.
and I wish I wouldn't fail....
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