What did you do with your rebellious teen?

[Roughsoul1991]

My oldest teen is not the average teen as he came from an abusive home so he has mental problems like depression, ADHD, behavioral problems, and probably more to come as he starts seeing a psychologist.

We as his guardian constantly do all we can to give him opportunities to succeed and prepare for adulthood. But yet he constantly talks about the stress when from all outward appearance he has it easy. A few easy chores, a easy schedule, home school which is easy, he gets stuff that we buy him, and he has his own space of a room we built into our garage.

I'm just drained.

 

[Lanolin]

when people suffer from depression, its the spiritual oppression that gets to them
I think you are doing eveyrthing you can but what you dont see is the inner turmoil. Thats the thing with depression, its not an outer affliction thats obvious...like a broken leg or cancer or whatever.

Pray and fast for deliverance, is what I recommend. I dont know if hes too old to be adopted but if someones from a broken home it will always be on their mind that they dont belong anywhere.

 

[brighthouse98]

Boy Roughsoul19 wish I would have had you as fine parents!! Your favorite scripture says excatly what you are to do. And I believe you are doing your best as guardians to help the child you have so gracely allowed to become part of your family. NOW!! There are rules in a house,and all who dwell in your house must follow them or else there is a penalty.

As a rebelious child myself I was looking to drain the will of both my parents,which sounds much as this person is looking to do to you. If you give in, you will lose your grip on what you know to be right for his sake.I was thought by my parents much the same excuses as you are allowing him. Every beating I took only made me more determined to break there will to my will! Love also corrects! ( Proverbs 3:12) If you continue to allow this child to run your house,then you will be to blame. If life is better with him removed from you house for a time,your peace shall return to you.

And this fact I know you are very well aware of! You must do what is the best for you!!! Other wise you will both lose control of your household and peace within it! When looking to reason with a child and the child does not recieve reason,then that person must recieve a penalty for a time until he comes to his right mind. I, as a child was wrong in believing that my parents were never right,and I thought I always knew better. This changed on my 15th birthday,when my dad took me in his car,I thought he was going to show me a present he had bought me!! LOL

Instead he took me to the 16th precient of the Detroit Police Department and put me in a cell!!! Yes I was in jail by my own dad!!! After some 45 min my dad came back to where I was being held,and said the following." There is one Captain of every ship,and I am the Captain of our house,what I say you do!! There is no why, there is only resolve! Do you get it now,or shall I just pack your bags and send you on your way??" I was a real bad kid bro,sorry to say! I got it dad,I just wish as part of this family to have a say in our family is all. Dad continued, " You will no longer talk back to your mother,and you will obey her even as you do me,is that clear?"

Yes dad I replied. After this he took me to a Detroit tiger baseball game as a birthday prensent,and I followed his command. I did not like it,BUT!!!!!! I respected him!!! And that!!!! is what this child needs to do to you!! That is my thought on this brother,you sure have both my love and prayers,but nothing should take away your peace!!! NOTHING!!! And if you allow this,you only have yourself to blame,because he will not stop until he fully wins! I hope you will recieve this in love as that is what is meant,I am blunt, but this is my nature,I hope you will forgive me if I offended you in any way!

 

[Roughsoul1991]

when people suffer from depression, its the spiritual oppression that gets to them
I think you are doing eveyrthing you can but what you dont see is the inner turmoil. Thats the thing with depression, its not an outer affliction thats obvious...like a broken leg or cancer or whatever.

Pray and fast for deliverance, is what I recommend. I dont know if hes too old to be adopted but if someones from a broken home it will always be on their mind that they dont belong anywhere.

Yes.... It often feels like trying to carefully pick up a shattered panel of glass and trying to put it back together again. So much damage, can easily shatter again, can easily cut, but with potential to be whole again.

 

[Lanolin]

the thing is roughsouls teen was ALREADY sent away from his own parents, so, sending him back he might not even want to go. Well we dont know what the entire situation is, but if his parents were abusive it might have been because they already had too much control over him. But it could be he still loves his parents in spite of their abuse, which they actually might have seen as discipline.

 

[Roughsoul1991]

Boy Roughsoul19 wish I would have had you as fine parents!! Your favorite scripture says excatly what you are to do. And I believe you are doing your best as guardians to help the child you have so gracely allowed to become part of your family. NOW!! There are rules in a house,and all who dwell in your house must follow them or else there is a penalty.

As a rebelious child myself I was looking to drain the will of both my parents,which sounds much as this person is looking to do to you. If you give in, you will lose your grip on what you know to be right for his sake.I was thought by my parents much the same excuses as you are allowing him. Every beating I took only made me more determined to break there will to my will! Love also corrects! ( Proverbs 3:12) If you continue to allow this child to run your house,then you will be to blame. If life is better with him removed from you house for a time,your peace shall return to you.

And this fact I know you are very well aware of! You must do what is the best for you!!! Other wise you will both lose control of your household and peace within it! When looking to reason with a child and the child does not recieve reason,then that person must recieve a penalty for a time until he comes to his right mind. I, as a child was wrong in believing that my parents were never right,and I thought I always knew better. This changed on my 15th birthday,when my dad took me in his car,I thought he was going to show me a present he had bought me!! LOL

Instead he took me to the 16th precient of the Detroit Police Department and put me in a cell!!! Yes I was in jail by my own dad!!! After some 45 min my dad came back to where I was being held,and said the following." There is one Captain of every ship,and I am the Captain of our house,what I say you do!! There is no why, there is only resolve! Do you get it now,or shall I just pack your bags and send you on your way??" I was a real bad kid bro,sorry to say! I got it dad,I just wish as part of this family to have a say in our family is all. Dad continued, " You will no longer talk back to your mother,and you will obey her even as you do me,is that clear?"

Yes dad I replied. After this he took me to a Detroit tiger baseball game as a birthday prensent,and I followed his command. I did not like it,BUT!!!!!! I respected him!!! And that!!!! is what this child needs to do to you!! That is my thought on this brother,you sure have both my love and prayers,but nothing should take away your peace!!! NOTHING!!! And if you allow this,you only have yourself to blame,because he will not stop until he fully wins! I hope you will recieve this in love as that is what is meant,I am blunt, but this is my nature,I hope you will forgive me if I offended you in any way!

Thank you for your advice and telling me of your life experience.

We did in fact have to spell out the consequences of rebellion and again I had to remind him, he can stay in my house and abide by the rules or he was free to find somewhere else. Today, this morning he has spent a lot of time catching up on his school work which is a good trend. But we will see how long it lasts.

 

[Roughsoul1991]

the thing is roughsouls teen was ALREADY sent away from his own parents, so, sending him back he might not even want to go. Well we dont know what the entire situation is, but if his parents were abusive it might have been because they already had too much control over him. But it could be he still loves his parents in spite of their abuse, which they actually might have seen as discipline.

He doesn't want to go back and has admitted we are his best option. He just adopts this mindset that he is a screw up and he gets into a spiral where he feels he either doesn't know how or can't turn back. He knows it is wrong but he does it anyway.

His mother was never a good mother and once he was old enough, she lost control all the time. Then the boyfriend came into the picture. That is when the worst abuse began. He would lose control and that would turn into beatings and inhumane disciplines.

 

[Subhumanoidal]

My oldest teen is not the average teen as he came from an abusive home so he has mental problems like depression, ADHD, behavioral problems, and probably more to come as he starts seeing a psychologist.

We as his guardian constantly do all we can to give him opportunities to succeed and prepare for adulthood. But yet he constantly talks about the stress when from all outward appearance he has it easy. A few easy chores, a easy schedule, home school which is easy, he gets stuff that we buy him, and he has his own space of a room we built into our garage.

I'm just drained.

Step one, realize depression and ADHD are not rebellious behaviors. And if he was subject to severe abuse that's a whole different story.

As one that's had depression for 30+ years I can tell you that not abiding by rules has Nothing to do with rebellion, trying to break anyone or any of the notions you seem to think. Depressives tend to fall into either
1 - I Want to do normal things like a normal person, but it feels like such an enemormous task.
2 - Things are so bleak and bad there's no reason to do anything. No hope.

Depressives are inward focused and often don't have the strength to rebel because just getting out of bed can be it's own challenge.

And ADHD people are the same in that things are not willful. Nor is it simply a matter of hyperactivity.
I once talked to a woman with ADHD, she told me that she was married to an amazing man and they had children together. She would be at home with the kids all day and struggle constantly in dealing with them.
Her husband would come home and suddenly the children behaved better. Before she knew it she was hurling insults at her husband.
The thought process she explained is that because she struggled with the kids, yet with her husband things came so easily with him it made her insecure. That insecurity manifested in anger towards him. She'd be unable to contain that anger and lash out. But within minutes or less she would begin regretting her behavior. It wasn't what she wanted. She didn't hate her husband. She knew she was lucky to have a good man who was a good father. But that didn't matter.

When it comes to mental illness, depending on the severity, it's not uncommon for people to see the problem in their behavior but feel powerless to change. And that very knowledge frustrates and feeds deeper into the mental illness creating a spiral.
So regret over his own actions is very possible, but that's not something you'll likely ever hear expressed. But it IS there.

Your son doesn't need someone pointing out his flaws, he's already a professional at doing that internally. He needs structure, love and support, and yes, discipline. But if you become too focused on obedience and discipline you'll actually make things worse. He also needs counseling. Lots of it.

Learn his limits and hold him to those. One size does not fit all.

 

[MatthewWestfieldUK]

Remain firm and calm. Keeping this way consistently will help those who feel stressed. No need to overstretch yourself. Everything that is needed has been provided so you have done your job. It's time for this young person to take some responsibility. However, talking about stress that you have have will help them start to learn to be specific.

 

[Roughsoul1991]

Step one, realize depression and ADHD are not rebellious behaviors. And if he was subject to severe abuse that's a whole different story.

As one that's had depression for 30+ years I can tell you that not abiding by rules has Nothing to do with rebellion, trying to break anyone or any of the notions you seem to think. Depressives tend to fall into either
1 - I Want to do normal things like a normal person, but it feels like such an enemormous task.
2 - Things are so bleak and bad there's no reason to do anything. No hope.

Depressives are inward focused and often don't have the strength to rebel because just getting out of bed can be it's own challenge.

And ADHD people are the same in that things are not willful. Nor is it simply a matter of hyperactivity.
I once talked to a woman with ADHD, she told me that she was married to an amazing man and they had children together. She would be at home with the kids all day and struggle constantly in dealing with them.
Her husband would come home and suddenly the children behaved better. Before she knew it she was hurling insults at her husband.
The thought process she explained is that because she struggled with the kids, yet with her husband things came so easily with him it made her insecure. That insecurity manifested in anger towards him. She'd be unable to contain that anger and lash out. But within minutes or less she would begin regretting her behavior. It wasn't what she wanted. She didn't hate her husband. She knew she was lucky to have a good man who was a good father. But that didn't matter.

When it comes to mental illness, depending on the severity, it's not uncommon for people to see the problem in their behavior but feel powerless to change. And that very knowledge frustrates and feeds deeper into the mental illness creating a spiral.
So regret over his own actions is very possible, but that's not something you'll likely ever hear expressed. But it IS there.

Your son doesn't need someone pointing out his flaws, he's already a professional at doing that internally. He needs structure, love and support, and yes, discipline. But if you become too focused on obedience and discipline you'll actually make things worse. He also needs counseling. Lots of it.

Learn his limits and hold him to those. One size does not fit all.

He needs structure, love and support, and yes, discipline. But if you become too focused on obedience and discipline you'll actually make things worse. He also needs counseling. Lots of it.

The balance between this is often times a struggle. To push harder or except more versus being more lenient and expect not as much. Mixed with the many mental health issues makes parenting a child of this fashion seem like a confused state of how do I handle this when there are many other issues as well.

We have them in structure with the burdens light but the light burdens are still hard for them to follow. Well I'm speaking of his brother also now. His brother is addicted to stealing my daughter's barbie dolls. He cuts up the dresses into sexual looking articles of clothing. I understand this is a teenage boy with hormones and at 14 he is experimenting with that but I fear he is getting compulsive as he has constantly damaged many of her dolls and hid them to play with later. He has also gotten to the point I have to force him to leave his room and do anything active for his hokeschool PE.

The oldest has lost his internet, phone, and very restricted access to a tablet due to pornography and a weird thing called furries (I do not recommend looking that up) this has gotten better with limited access.

Us as parents have been feeling detached from the body of Christ as we was forced to leave our church home of 15 years due to two girls and their parents in youth group felt my oldest to be a threat. To his defense after gathering all the facts I defended him as to why I felt we must leave to protect him.

His social norms come off as weird, rude, and can sound threatening but how a brother often speaks to his younger brother. They would often threaten each other and he happened to say something similar to a girl.

We are trying to pull him away from the fantasy of dragons that he has relationally associated with and obsessed with for security and comfort during his abuse. For example, pretending a blanket was a dragon that would protect him and cuddle him.

This led into the furry stuff online where older men took advantage of him and led him into pornographic chat rooms.

So now we are trying to bring back reality and focus on what is real versus what is fake.

So much has happened in a year it feels like 10 years.

 

[Roughsoul1991]

Remain firm and calm. Keeping this way consistently will help those who feel stressed. No need to overstretch yourself. Everything that is needed has been provided so you have done your job. It's time for this young person to take some responsibility. However, talking about stress that you have have will help them start to learn to be specific.

He is still very defensive and blames others for his choices. He is not good at lying and often tells the truth as he loves to talk. He often comes across as entitled which is hard for him as we have had to restrict what we get them due to they break everything we buy them.

I'm just venting.

We do have good days and sometimes good weeks.

The youngest will probably need most of his teeth pulled out as his mouth is rotten.

He has memory problems which we are trying to figure out why or how to psychologically help him.

 

[MatthewWestfieldUK]

He is still very defensive and blames others for his choices. He is not good at lying and often tells the truth as he loves to talk. He often comes across as entitled which is hard for him as we have had to restrict what we get them due to they break everything we buy them.

I'm just venting.

We do have good days and sometimes good weeks.

The youngest will probably need most of his teeth pulled out as his mouth is rotten.

He has memory problems which we are trying to figure out why or how to psychologically help him.

You are doing noble work. The Lord will be supporting.
Vent all u need. Message if u want. Listening is free. Everyone in the room will support you

 

[Lanolin]

hmm the dragon thing needs addressing and the mindset that he's a screw up...someone probably told him that lie when he was young and he believed it.

the thing is, children do have rights not to be abused, and he HAS been violated. Hes just acting out of that. You would probably would act the same if you were in his position. He doesnt have a real dad.
He has to see you as his dad, but, from what you've said esp with the porno thing that has huge red flags.

ok so the thing is, is he saved. Does he know the Lord. Not just go to church and sit in a pew sort of thing but really does he believe? He sounds very lost....:-( Does he know Jesus can save him?

 

[Roughsoul1991]

hmm the dragon thing needs addressing and the mindset that he's a screw up...someone probably told him that lie when he was young and he believed it.

the thing is, children do have rights not to be abused, and he HAS been violated. Hes just acting out of that. You would probably would act the same if you were in his position. He doesnt have a real dad.
He has to see you as his dad, but, from what you've said esp with the porno thing that has huge red flags.

ok so the thing is, is he saved. Does he know the Lord. Not just go to church and sit in a pew sort of thing but really does he believe? He sounds very lost....:-( Does he know Jesus can save him?

He is getting psychological therapy and so far despite the Biblical immorality, there are no threatening red flags psychologically as something being dangerous. Much of it is a teenage boy who did not have proper guidance or a structured home life.

He believes in Jesus Christ as his Savior but is lost within the attacks of Satan who tells him that he is going to hell or that he isn't good enough (I have corrected these lies many times but he still falls into their trap). He is still very worldly but he is making progress. So I believe the Spirit is moving within him even if he doesn't fully understand it yet.

 

[EmilyNats]

1. His brother is addicted to stealing my daughter's barbie dolls. He cuts up the dresses into sexual looking articles of clothing. I understand this is a teenage boy with hormones and at 14 he is experimenting with that but I fear he is getting compulsive as he has constantly damaged many of her dolls and hid them to play with later.

2. Us as parents have been feeling detached from the body of Christ as we was forced to leave our church home of 15 years due to two girls and their parents in youth group felt my oldest to be a threat. To his defense after gathering all the facts I defended him as to why I felt we must leave to protect him.

I don't want to sound harsh, but these are NOT normal. My brother is 14, I am one of the main helpers of our youth group that has a ton of 14-year-old boys, and that is NOT normal. I don't know how long you've had him, but the only time that behavior like that is expected is if the child has gone through sexual abuse or some other major trauma. My parents worked with juvenile delinquents for years, most of them adopted. And the boys that exhibited these behaviors almost ALWAYS ended up as sexual predators when the red flags were not addressed. My own cousin did things like this, but his mother always defended him and would never address it. We found out recently that he had been molesting his younger sister for nearly a decade, and now he is in jail for molesting his stepdaughter.

I'm not saying that your boys are child molesters right now, but they are absolutely on the track to be. IDK about the situation with your church. If it was just one family complaining, then I don't know that I would listen to them because there's always that one family that makes everything a problem. If it's two different families though, I would be more worried. It's very rare that 2 different families would be bold enough to make such accusations.

Please, please, please never leave your daughter alone with any of those boys. I know it's harsh, and I know that nobody ever wants to think about that stuff, but it is so much better to be safe than sorry. Especially with all the signs. I'm not trying to hate on your kids, I'm really not. But I have seen too many terrible things happen to little girls that could have been easily prevented.

 

[Roughsoul1991]

I don't want to sound harsh, but these are NOT normal. My brother is 14, I am one of the main helpers of our youth group that has a ton of 14-year-old boys, and that is NOT normal. I don't know how long you've had him, but the only time that behavior like that is expected is if the child has gone through sexual abuse or some other major trauma. My parents worked with juvenile delinquents for years, most of them adopted. And the boys that exhibited these behaviors almost ALWAYS ended up as sexual predators when the red flags were not addressed. My own cousin did things like this, but his mother always defended him and would never address it. We found out recently that he had been molesting his younger sister for nearly a decade, and now he is in jail for molesting his stepdaughter.

I'm not saying that your boys are child molesters right now, but they are absolutely on the track to be. IDK about the situation with your church. If it was just one family complaining, then I don't know that I would listen to them because there's always that one family that makes everything a problem. If it's two different families though, I would be more worried. It's very rare that 2 different families would be bold enough to make such accusations.

Please, please, please never leave your daughter alone with any of those boys. I know it's harsh, and I know that nobody ever wants to think about that stuff, but it is so much better to be safe than sorry. Especially with all the signs. I'm not trying to hate on your kids, I'm really not. But I have seen too many terrible things happen to little girls that could have been easily prevented.

We never leave our biological kids alone with them and doors stay locked at night. Not that we feel they are danger but that we will never risk that.

Of course, this is not normal as they have come from unnormal environments. The psychologist knows of the youngest incident with the dolls. It can be a mixture of teenage hormones or sexual abuse. He has not yet admitted to sexual abuse but suffers memory loss. We are now trying to figure out why. Maybe he has suppressed those memories.

The oldest's incident with the two families was not sexual but him having poor social norms made a comment that was not funny and was seen as a threat.

Then the other girl who was her friend, the group was shaking hands and she said he held on to her hand for a little bit too long.

The girl he made the threat to was the youth group leader's daughter and months prior the leader had me and my oldest step into the hallway where he accused my oldest of speaking about masturbation to his daughter right in front of him.

I was only two chairs down and never heard of such conversation. I heard them talking about a ring she had made and if you hearing ring and finger out of context then it can sound bad. He also over heard my oldest talking about what calmed him down and he referred to his blanket. But in context he was referring to it being a dragon and feeling safe.

So this paved the way for any future problems to be seen as red flags.

Later I told the father I believe he misheard out of context.

But it was a eye opener as I was surprised at the anger of the father but I guess it was personal to him. I just wonder if they have ever been around a bunch of teenagers. Public school was bad related to sexual content. I wonder how prepared are churches to combat the culture that teaches teens that sexual immorality is normal.

 

[Aaron56]

Why are you his guardian? What's the arrangement?

 

[Roughsoul1991]

Why are you his guardian? What's the arrangement?

My wife's oldest sister was trying to give them away or put them in the state. So we responded and the mother signed over her rights.

 

[Godsgirl83]

My wife's oldest sister was trying to give them away or put them in the state. So we responded and the mother signed over her rights.

You and your wife have much love to step up to this.

 

[Roughsoul1991]

You and your wife have much love to step up to this.

Thank you, it was a uneasy night but we both without debate felt God's peace on the matter. We knew the boyfriend was a ex-con and had heard of the abuse through other people. We got the call from the mother who was being thrown out the house at 12 in the morning. The boyfriend offered to drive them to our house but I didn't want him to know where we live. So I told him we will pick them up in the well lighted Publix parking lot. (He eventually just googled my name and found my address.)

Not sure how this was going to go down, I was definitely practicing my second amendment rights. Thankfully it was a smooth and awkward transition. We originally was going to help the mother and the teens but that changed quickly.

As we began to talk to the teens separately we began to hear all the abuse that mother contributed to or allowed through her boyfriend.

So we told a lie to the mother that to help her out, we would watch the kids and she could go back (she was wanting to go back) as she loved him and had a infant girl with him who he kept. (The infant is still there).

As she was gone, we really began to hear the horrible life they have had the last 7 years. So to make it easy the mother wanted to sign over her rights so we didn't need to go to court.