Let me start off by saying I am a Bible-believing Christian. I got saved ten years ago. I acknowledge that I’m a very blessed person, at least materially. I have money, a house, the basic necessities. I was raised in a loving Christian family and have never been abused. I’ve always been a good girl. But at 27 years old, I have no friends, no job, and I’ve never dated.
This may be partly because I have Asperger’s syndrome. But lately, I’ve realized something important. Something very depressing: I have no control over anything in my life. That’s why I’ve stopped trying to make friends, find a job, or do anything beyond restocking my food supply. None of my many attempts in the past have worked, so why should I keep trying? As for skills, I like creative writing. But I know that won’t earn me a living.
It’s been like this for a few years now. Time is moving too fast for me to keep up with it. I live with my parents but they aren’t getting any younger, and I don’t want to burden my brother or sister. Other than them though, I have pretty much no one and nothing to fall back on. Then again, I’ve always had this sense of loneliness throughout my life, knowing I’m different from everyone else.
Most of the time I just stay in my room, drawing, writing. In my room I can retreat to my fantasy worlds, far away from any outside forces that would just steal it all from me. I know, not exactly healthy, but it’s better than drinking or doing drugs, or porn.
Yes, I’m sick of being taken from. But again, I can do nothing.
I’m sad to say, but not even my faith has helped out with any of this. I wish I could say I’m confident in God, but nothing could be further from the truth. God is not another human being. He’s not going to speak to me audibly, he’s not gonna hug me when I need it, he’s not going to do anything that’s useful or helpful in the real world. Pretty much the only reason I’m still a Christian is for the hellfire insurance. Beyond that, I pretty much don’t trust him for anything. I know he loves me and all that, but I need more than base sentimentality.
Being a Christian doesn’t make you happier, it doesn’t make you more moral, it doesn’t remove your problems (in fact, it creates more). Like I said, the only thing it’s good for is the hellfire insurance. I know that sounds bad but at least I’m being honest.
I’m tired of knocking on God’s door and having it slammed in my face. The fact is I live in a cold, uncaring universe, I’m subject to its whims, and there’s nothing I can do about it. Nothing I can do to undercut the current of constant and inevitable change. When all is said and done, I will be utterly alone, with no one and nothing familiar.
All I really have left now is my anger at all this. Yeah it devours your soul but at the moment anger is the only thing that makes me feel alive.
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