Hi Lost That is a good question you brought up and also that it's concerning yourself.
This first answer I give may not be a typical one. Now I would like to share with you about Abraham a man of God.
Abraham in his days was considered one of the most Godly men on the earth. Did you know that he doubted God greatly himself?
When God told Abraham that Sarah would have a baby at age 90 he laughed. Gen 17:1
Another one that doubted God was Moses. When God called Moses from the burning bush he doubted that God knew what he was talking about. So Moses told God to choose someone else out of the land of Egypt. Moses also in the desert struck the rock doubting God again. Exodus chapter 3
Next is Job. While Job insisted that he didn't deserve the bad things that were happening to him he also had doubts. Job chapters 1-2 and chapter 3 1-2
Last in the OT was Jonah. Jonah was a prophet and God told him to tell Nineveh to repent. He ran on a boat to the land of Tarshish.
Jonah 1
Did God turn away any of them from being saved? The answer was they were all saved. Because God is a heavenly Father. God is always forgiving. They realized they were wrong in the end. Then they turned back to God to do the right thing.
Jesus said of tax collectors and harlots in Matthew 21 30-32.
Lastly read about the prodigal son how the son left the father and how much sin he had gotten into. Then see how the father let him return home after all he done. Luke 15 11-32
So you God hasn't closed the door. The devil tries to lie to us that we have committed so many sins that God wouldn't want us anymore. No matter what sins we have done that God is willing to forgive us.
So turn to God ask him to forgive you and he will. Take your Bible and start to study to do what's right with God. We must do what John the Baptist said Repent and change your hearts Matthew 3
God is there is for you and everyone always to call upon him.