My life is not standard in this forum, I never had faith, life and it events lead me to it, while I left it in practice as an atheist, removing myself from socalled loved ones. Never had faith ever, but I was born with principles, that never wavered no matter what, apart from being to weak to voice them a few years and to fight for me, or others I cared about under the spell of drugs. So, it would be off topic here. Can do it in private if you want to understand for yourself, where I am coming from.
Thank yoou for your kind words, and giving the encouragement that most people need, but it does not work for my situation. It is not that easy. Monumental stuff to forgive, so I cut people, and just forgive the one that hurt me the most. I have no problem resting, I am at peace. In the start of the year, I accepted that I would go to hell because I hated, as a christian. And shortly after I lost hate and fear, and read the bible. And now I do not believe I will go to hell. And regardless, it is not my will, so I just accept it. I have no concerns.My worry is not a judment that may go wrong, it is about not being truthful in my testimony before the judgement, and not as worry at all, just a figure of speech. Regardless, Gods will is done. And that is what matters.
. You get me all wrong, if you think I have grief or fear, I do not have any of that. I do not need any help to feel better, just to understand more of scripture that is new to me. I am not conventional, I come from it in a logical manner, while having more faith than many. And the words mean something to me, reading them like sciencestudy. Because that is where I came from. As an atheist, who sought information to read for myself, which built a wall to faith for me. You keemp some, you gain some, you merge it as best you can, it is different for all. I do not ask others to go with mine, and I cannot go with others if it does not fit my life expiriences. Some I will never forgive, that is final, because I cannot forgive selfpreservation to save ones own bacon, by using family in the process. And using sick people. If lying was not enough. It is drugsituation between addicts who are related, and lies to save ones own bacon, using his mother and my family. And messing up the life of someone else who I care about, and another one I cared about who is in a senior centre for druguse, Instigated by my "friend" in the family, who was also my dealer. Too much destruction of others I care about, and I will not lie about forgiving, it could never be true. I care more for them, than myself. Would rather go to hell, than to forgive what they were put through. Cannot do it.