Hi, I'm 18 years old. I will begin by saying that throughout my teenage and puberty, sexuality was a subject that interested me very little. While guys and girls in my class talked about masturbation and watching pornography, I was never interested and never did until this year. During this second year of quarantine I didn't have much to do until I was curious about masturbation, I tried to do very little (less than 10 times in my entire life) without disgusting thoughts or porn, I was just trying to test the feeling. After that time I was interested in the matter of porn, I was watching gay porn for two months (I am heterosexual, and I respect the female body, I was disgusted to see intimate affairs of couples of the same orientation; while naked men I've always seen, for example in the gym, for that reason it never caused me sexual abhorrence), I saw little but I saw it, now I am very overwhelmed and sorry, even though it was not porn as it is, I explored fetishes where there wasn't always intimate nudity (like feet fetish), but they were still on porn pages. I didn't jerk off looking at it either (I have my values). But I saw it. A couple of days ago I had a crisis thinking about what my parents would think about their son? The one who seemed and was the most "holy" in school without alcohol or drugs, or anything sexual. I repeat, despite the fact that I got a bit hard during gay porn (and didn't feel comfortable), I have never wanted to have sex with a man, I want to get married and start a family later. What I need is help, I need to know if God will forgive me for this stupid thing I did, should I teel my parents (I love and trust them too much). I answer any questions. Thank you for reading! Blessings.
It's a bit unusual that someone who is "disgusted" by the physical engagement of two same sex people will watch it for two months. Especially when that is also the sex of the viewer. I have to wonder about the motivation behind that.
Porn does not necessitate nudity. Foot fetishes and the like still fly under the flag of sexual fetishes as it is intended to invoke the same response as nude porn, just through a different avenue. In fact it could be seen as the sexualization of otherwise non-sexual parts of the body.
As a teen I dealt with my own struggles and the notion of how people viewed me and the fear of the repercussions by not living up to their standards. One thing I learned is no one suffered, but me. And not just short term. Being unwilling to speak up left me to deal with things alone that people often need others for. You move forward, not with facts but old wives tales and false information that only serve to further trap you in your silence.
Also you live in constant fear of being found out.
So you can either deal with it now, or live with it always.
Also try researching the porn industry to find out just what a dark nightmare the porn industry is, including the sites that host it. Racism, abuse, drug use, rape, incest, humiliation, blackmail, coercion, sex trafficking, revenge porn, sexism and sex with underage children are all common and frequent topics.
The largest porn site in the world recently took a major hit when they were exposed for knowingly hosting actual rape videos, as well as sex with minors. Even when made aware they were often slow to respond and to remove them, if they removed them at all.
Finding out the horrors that go on behind the camera (and sometimes on camera) is rather sickening. The site FightTheNewDrug.org showcases many articles by former porn performers, producers, victims and more. As well as statistics and articles on the addiction. All that information is a good deterrent.