strategies for dealing with...the difficult mother

[Gideon300]

Does anybody have this, well you are not alone
How do you cope though

Its not that you can ever leave or run away from your mother as she will always find a way even if you moved a continent away.

And you cannot always please or placate your mother, as your efforts will never be 'good enough' if you are not deemed 'the golden child' who can do no wrong (if this is you, maybe theres another downside to always being right or being the one who gets away with everything)

Please share.
I have come to accept that some mothers will never be the ideal mothers that we dream of, who do basic mother things like encourage us when we are down or comfort us. But its a hard road and that hole is always there wanting filled. There will also come a time when your mother is ill or unwell and then family obligation look after her will kick in, what do you do, even if shes abused you and will never stop giving you a hard time?

Forgive her. For everything she's ever done wrong, real or imagined. "Impossible," I hear you say. For people, yes. For God, no problem. I had a similar problem with my father. When God sorted me out on the issue, my relationship improved out of sight. Dad was an aggressive atheist and I was the antithesis of all that he held dear.

Read this article. It's quite long but well worth it. https://www.christianlife.org.au/can-you-forgive-from-your-heart

 

[Lanolin]

Forgive her. For everything she's ever done wrong, real or imagined. "Impossible," I hear you say. For people, yes. For God, no problem. I had a similar problem with my father. When God sorted me out on the issue, my relationship improved out of sight. Dad was an aggressive atheist and I was the antithesis of all that he held dear.

Read this article. It's quite long but well worth it. https://www.christianlife.org.au/can-you-forgive-from-your-heart

what about your mum though.
This is specifically about MOTHERS.

 

[Lanolin]

hmm I have never cut off my mum. But I suppose some people do, but they can only really do that when their mum dies. I know people can divorce, but you just cant divorce your mother, there is no such thing.

Even Jesus could not cut off his mum. He got John to look after her in his absence. Even when she was nagging him and being a real pain! I wonder if Im the only one who is a bit horrified at the way she was at the wedding at cana, and then people were praising HER for being his mum, and she was obviously being quite proud and bossing him around.

Jesus simply said, those who follow God are the same as my mother, sister, brother. I dont doubt there were times that Mary was infuriated with her son. She panicked over losing him at the temple, when Jesus was simply doing what his Father wanted him to do.

 

[Lanolin]

well at least I know Jesus was in same boat. His mum probably followed him round, nagging him to wear something warm, saying dont go to eat with sinners and publicans, probably didnt want him hanging round his raggedy fishing mates. I can imagine all she would go why not marry some nice Jewish girl arranging dates and hinting at children. She probably wanted to prepare the whole passover meal but would be like. dont invite your friends Jesus. Just keep it in the family.

Its not said in the Bible but I know widows tend to become quite possesive of their children if they dont marry again.

If it wasnt like that, then I cant picture what Jesus relationship with his mum was really like...?!

 

[Lanolin]

this article kind of helps a little https://krisreece.com/2019/11/how-to-deal-with-a-toxic-mother-gods-way/

The boundaries though are sometimes difficult to implement, but I find just going to my room and keeping the door closed , totally ignoring rants, complaints and put downs gives me peace.

also not talking at all. if I keep my mouth shut, nothing I say can be criticised.

she can criticise my breathing or anything else she wants to pick on, but I dont have to listen. I know lots of people just put in earbuds. But thats not my thing. I go read a book or go to the bathroom. Mostly just keep out of her way.

she doesnt have many friends and doesnt put much effort into keeping those she has. But I cant do anything about that. I imagine of she ever had any friends she would end up making them miserable or talking bad about them to others and even to their face the way she does to me.

so I cant even wish that someone else would be her friend.

 

[soberxp]

I don't know about your situation well.
Sometimes, maybe your mother doesn't know what kind of person you need to be,she may want you to be like this, later like that. it's like you always want her to be what you want her to be,It's the same feeling.
Mutual understanding is a feasible way, and then speak out the understanding about your mom,she may understand you well, anyway she is your mom.

 

[Lanolin]

meh, dont know
some mums want you to be like a clone of themselves, and cant accept that their child is their own person with a mind of their own. Highly annoying.

I have known some mothers say to their offspring why cant you be more like your sister, or brother. How that makes the son or daughter feel when that is their constant would be awful, because from a young age they would feel like they have no right to exist.

Its not as bad as abandonment, but its has repercussions. Most of those manifest as mental illness at some point. Yes, mothers CAN drive you crazy.

 

[Lanolin]

You cant say to your mum, well dont be a mum then, Because they had you, and you cant UNexist. And you cannot stop growing, even though many mums prefer their children small and controllable.

 

[Blik]

How did your dog react?

Dogs, unlike humans, accept what humans do. The dog kept to his work of protecting me from any human who wished me harm.

 

[LindaE]

Does anybody have this, well you are not alone
How do you cope though

Its not that you can ever leave or run away from your mother as she will always find a way even if you moved a continent away.

And you cannot always please or placate your mother, as your efforts will never be 'good enough' if you are not deemed 'the golden child' who can do no wrong (if this is you, maybe theres another downside to always being right or being the one who gets away with everything)

Please share.
I have come to accept that some mothers will never be the ideal mothers that we dream of, who do basic mother things like encourage us when we are down or comfort us. But its a hard road and that hole is always there wanting filled. There will also come a time when your mother is ill or unwell and then family obligation look after her will kick in, what do you do, even if shes abused you and will never stop giving you a hard time?

I know well the type of mother that you speak of. Never has a kind work, always speaking negative into you life, never encouraging you in anything, in fact always saying you can't do that. Wondering over the years why your mother hates you so much. It is a hard road. And never was it made easy with her. She seemed clueless to what she did or always justified it.

Then the time came in her life that she needed care. I was the only daughter and the only one who lived close so of course it fell to me. As I had to start taking over and more the hate for me spewed from her mouth. And i though God how am I going to do this.

He finally gave me a new perspective on her. I stepped back and look at her as not my mother but a person separated from me. A little girl who once had hope's and dreams and how sadly her life has turned out. How unfulfilled all her dreams had became. And here she is at the end of the road and very bitter and very angry. Somehow this helped me to not take it personal and was able to just do what needed to be done.

The last two years of her life she had to live with me and i got to see a different person. As she had gotten though the anger of losing freedoms and needing help her anger begin to subside and it was replaced with an appreciation and a thoughtfulness that i had never experienced from her. She was in my home with my children and greats around when she took her last breath.

I am glad that we had those last two years. It gave me the chance to really forgive her.

 

[Genipher]

well at least I know Jesus was in same boat. His mum probably followed him round, nagging him to wear something warm, saying dont go to eat with sinners and publicans, probably didnt want him hanging round his raggedy fishing mates. I can imagine all she would go why not marry some nice Jewish girl arranging dates and hinting at children. She probably wanted to prepare the whole passover meal but would be like. dont invite your friends Jesus. Just keep it in the family.

Its not said in the Bible but I know widows tend to become quite possesive of their children if they dont marry again.

If it wasnt like that, then I cant picture what Jesus relationship with his mum was really like...?!

I don't know about that. Mary knew who Jesus was. He wasn't like her other sons.
I see a good "take" on her character in the free series "The Chosen".

 

[OldSage]

Dogs, unlike humans, accept what humans do. The dog kept to his work of protecting me from any human who wished me harm.

I just wondered if he was scared, or understood what you were doing, or sat next to you, or how generally he reacted.

 

[Lanolin]

I don't know about that. Mary knew who Jesus was. He wasn't like her other sons.
I see a good "take" on her character in the free series "The Chosen".

I havent seen that
I wonder if she showed a lot of favoristism to Jesus or he had extra responsibilities placed on him because she had prophecy about him. Jesus family is kind of shadowy for example we dont really know about his grandparents. John was his cousin but other than that he didnt have a lot of extended family that was close. I wonder if 2nd cousin Elizabeth and Zachariah were around Jesus a lot as he was growing up.
and were John and Jesus compared...I can imagine them being so close in age, that they were, just as my mum and her sister had this comparison going on with my cousin born in the same year. But they were kind of rivals more than close sisters.

Anyway. At least Mary had Elizabeth to confide in and hang out with. But I can imagine Jesus brother and sisters maybe resenting him the way Josephs brothers did if Mary had shown obvious favouritism.

 

[Lanolin]

I know well the type of mother that you speak of. Never has a kind work, always speaking negative into you life, never encouraging you in anything, in fact always saying you can't do that. Wondering over the years why your mother hates you so much. It is a hard road. And never was it made easy with her. She seemed clueless to what she did or always justified it.

Then the time came in her life that she needed care. I was the only daughter and the only one who lived close so of course it fell to me. As I had to start taking over and more the hate for me spewed from her mouth. And i though God how am I going to do this.

He finally gave me a new perspective on her. I stepped back and look at her as not my mother but a person separated from me. A little girl who once had hope's and dreams and how sadly her life has turned out. How unfulfilled all her dreams had became. And here she is at the end of the road and very bitter and very angry. Somehow this helped me to not take it personal and was able to just do what needed to be done.

The last two years of her life she had to live with me and i got to see a different person. As she had gotten though the anger of losing freedoms and needing help her anger begin to subside and it was replaced with an appreciation and a thoughtfulness that i had never experienced from her. She was in my home with my children and greats around when she took her last breath.

I am glad that we had those last two years. It gave me the chance to really forgive her.

do you have to look on her as a 'grumpy old lady' instead of thinking of her as your mother.

I think thats what lots of us have to do, rather than simply put up with EVERYTHING just because she is your mother. I know a lot of people have this reaction, BUT SHES YOUR MOTHER, of COURSE she loves you, as a platitude, when its evident that a lot of the time, its very clear she doesnt!

And while we forgive, its still difficult to endure those difficult behaviours IF she has not repented, and is in close quarters, and continues to berate us.

So do we move away, give up our birthright? Cut the apron springs that are more like chains. How do you do this? If Jesus has set us free, why does He send us back to to continue to be hurt by our mothers who do not change?! Do we just grow a really thick skin, like a rhino hide. How long should this suffering last .....

 

[Mak33]

I can relate, My mother is very difficult and highly critical, most on her least favorite children...

just the other day, as I was about to prepare my lunch, I went into the kitchen she was renovating, they were on the other end of it, I was standing just behind a construction sheet and I heard her say "sometimes we just can't help it, we tend to favor one kid over the other" I was stunned for a moment to hear her say that, because she doesn't admit it, so hearing her left me flabbergasted and thought to myself, I was right all along.

Strategies... I give her poker faces, sometimes no reaction, sometimes rolling my eyes, she hates it when I roll my eyes and I will definitely have an earful... it's my auto response to her, always in default setting 😂 that's why she always caught me.

Sometimes I Keep quiet and let her be, no talk back and say yes or okay, basically just agree with her so there won't be any argument.

 

[Lanolin]

You have to cultivate an air of not caring. Or what friends of alcoholics call detachment

Mum hates me, so what. Thats HER problem, and its her loss!

 

[Mak33]

You have to cultivate an air of not caring. Or what friends of alcoholics call detachment

Mum hates me, so what. Thats HER problem, and its her loss!

I think God knows our strength, he placed us in difficult environment for us to thrive and see pass imperfections, mould us into a greater character that resembles him to a much better versions of ourselves because we anchor on HIM. 🙏
“The same boiling water that softens the potato hardens the egg. It's about what you're made of, not the circumstances.”
Sometimes it helps if I Just take it as an opportunity to LOVE, God is teaching my heart to Love the people who are difficult and also to check my own ❤️.
God bless!

 

[Lanolin]

true
am reminded that the mum of one of the columbine killers, favoured her golden child son to the extent that she actually COVERED up his crimes for him. So he never learned what he was doing was wrong. He could get away with lying, stealing and murder and his mum would never call him out on it. Her other son the older one, was not the favoured onehe got kicked out for doing drugs. But at least he never got involved in a mass shooting.

 

[Lanolin]

I forgot to do something and mum had a fit
Never gave me a chance to explain, just assumed I was negelecting something deliberately. You can never have a memory lapse around a mother.

I was like OK GOD if she doesnt like being a mother so much, why did she have me. Imagine being falsely accused of things you dont do, and being blamed, every day. She will make up things that she imagines you do, just to make the case that you are a stupid and wrong person.

 

[Genipher]

I forgot to do something and mum had a fit
Never gave me a chance to explain, just assumed I was negelecting something deliberately. You can never have a memory lapse around a mother.

I was like OK GOD if she doesnt like being a mother so much, why did she have me. Imagine being falsely accused of things you dont do, and being blamed, every day. She will make up things that she imagines you do, just to make the case that you are a stupid and wrong person.

To be fair, I do this to my kids. It's because I'm impatient and not because I don't love them or think they're stupid. I often jump to conclusions and have to apologize for getting on their cases and I'm ever-so-slowly learning to ask "what happened?" or "why did you do this?" and hear them out.

Do you have kids? I think this is one of those things a person doesn't really understand (I remember being frustrated with my dad for "freaking out" over simple, small things that my siblings and I did or didn't do, as a child/teen) until they have children.