Ok ladies, wives. I have a question. It’s going to be kind of an odd one coming from a man (I know) just hear me out. I have this weird situation happening in my home I’m trying to wrap my head around and I’m asking for wisdom on how I should approach this delicately as the husband so please be patient with me as I try to explain this situation cause I want to reasonably resolve this the best way possible . The backstory is This all started when my wife got into her later stages of pregnancy with our son 5 years ago. Prior to that I believe we had shared the house chores fairly evenly. As she got further along in her pregnancy I volunteered to take more of the burden of cleaning thinking things would at some point return to normal. 5 years later I’m still doing the majority of the house cleaning save for a load of laundry or two which I still have to normally finish for her or it just sits and mildew s in the washer or sits in the laundry basket. We both work full time but she has summers off and yet still nothing gets substantially done until I come home and just start cleaning. I’m not a clean freak to my knowledge. I like thing’s presentable and orderly but I’m not going to expect the faucets to be shined or anything like that. I have pictures I can share to those curious about what she obviously ignores and will walk by a dozen times without lifting a finger to clean it. Warning that they are gross and won’t share unless you absolutely want to see.
I was curious this time and left some things dirty just to see how long it would take. It’s been over a month of no cleaning except dishes etc and the house was so filthy I couldn’t take it anymore when I got home and didn’t say a word and just started cleaning. I’m really concerned at what’s going on. It’s not like we have 3 other kiddos making mess at the same time faster than it can be cleaned. A 5 year old boy is all. She is working on an online master’s degree but is two weeks ahead in her classes yet will still rather sit in her office and continue the classwork rather than observing that maybe the trash is overflowing and falling out of the trash can kind of chores or light cleaning. My son didn’t even want to sit at the kitchen table cause of all the crunchy crumbs and mess left so it hit me a bit hard tonight as she is at Golf league. I once tried to bring this up to her about chores a year ago but It ended in disaster cause I evidently lack the proper way to approach and say things gently ,cause it just caused arguments, she gets defensive immediately and it ruined the entire week for everyone and nothing changed .the “How dare You even mention it I’m a mom and student” kinda stuff. But yet she also gets angry if I come home and start cleaning on my own. 🤷♂️I’m a father and a husband at his witts end with this. What am I to do? I have no issue coming home and picking up a broom or doing dishes after supper but when I’m doing 90% of the weekly cleaning and am the only one to lift a finger on the heavy cleaning and actually following through till the job is done kinda cleaning then there has to be a problem somewhere. Open to suggestions and any Christian wisdom. Thanks.
You're both very busy, but the fact remains that there are chores to be done. You don't want to do all of the chores and that's reasonable. It's not going to be easy for either of you, but you can get through it together in order to lighten the overall load for you and her.
That being said, it's time to have the talk again at some point. Just level with her and sympathize with her because not everyone has the same capacity to load balance chores with the other demands in life.
You need to be the leader here.
So my idea is to make a check list of daily chores evenly and fairly divided up. One day you wash the dishes and she unloads the dish washer. One day you take out the trash and she sweeps the floor. One day you clean the table and she vacuums the carpet.
I don't know what your exact situation is, but if it feels like a team effort then maybe there will be more equality? Also, you might want to factor in things she just doesn't like to do such as unloading the dishwasher or taking the garbage out. You can make those two things your permanent duty while she takes permanent station as dishwasher and floor sweeper. I don't know, whatever works best for you two!
Anyway, maybe the most critical part is just having this talk with her. I know she doesn't want to do chores, but that isn't fair. So in my opinion the talk needs to happen regardless of her reaction. Just stay calm and assertive. Don't let it turn into an argument and try not to get offended. She may be depressed or have anxiety?
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