Unequal house chores

[tstumf]

Ok ladies, wives. I have a question. It’s going to be kind of an odd one coming from a man (I know) just hear me out. I have this weird situation happening in my home I’m trying to wrap my head around and I’m asking for wisdom on how I should approach this delicately as the husband so please be patient with me as I try to explain this situation cause I want to reasonably resolve this the best way possible . The backstory is This all started when my wife got into her later stages of pregnancy with our son 5 years ago. Prior to that I believe we had shared the house chores fairly evenly. As she got further along in her pregnancy I volunteered to take more of the burden of cleaning thinking things would at some point return to normal. 5 years later I’m still doing the majority of the house cleaning save for a load of laundry or two which I still have to normally finish for her or it just sits and mildew s in the washer or sits in the laundry basket. We both work full time but she has summers off and yet still nothing gets substantially done until I come home and just start cleaning. I’m not a clean freak to my knowledge. I like thing’s presentable and orderly but I’m not going to expect the faucets to be shined or anything like that. I have pictures I can share to those curious about what she obviously ignores and will walk by a dozen times without lifting a finger to clean it. Warning that they are gross and won’t share unless you absolutely want to see.

I was curious this time and left some things dirty just to see how long it would take. It’s been over a month of no cleaning except dishes etc and the house was so filthy I couldn’t take it anymore when I got home and didn’t say a word and just started cleaning. I’m really concerned at what’s going on. It’s not like we have 3 other kiddos making mess at the same time faster than it can be cleaned. A 5 year old boy is all. She is working on an online master’s degree but is two weeks ahead in her classes yet will still rather sit in her office and continue the classwork rather than observing that maybe the trash is overflowing and falling out of the trash can kind of chores or light cleaning. My son didn’t even want to sit at the kitchen table cause of all the crunchy crumbs and mess left so it hit me a bit hard tonight as she is at Golf league. I once tried to bring this up to her about chores a year ago but It ended in disaster cause I evidently lack the proper way to approach and say things gently ,cause it just caused arguments, she gets defensive immediately and it ruined the entire week for everyone and nothing changed .the “How dare You even mention it I’m a mom and student” kinda stuff. But yet she also gets angry if I come home and start cleaning on my own. 🤷‍♂️I’m a father and a husband at his witts end with this. What am I to do? I have no issue coming home and picking up a broom or doing dishes after supper but when I’m doing 90% of the weekly cleaning and am the only one to lift a finger on the heavy cleaning and actually following through till the job is done kinda cleaning then there has to be a problem somewhere. Open to suggestions and any Christian wisdom. Thanks.

 

[Kireina]

I don't know but there are really peopleout there who are not tidy...I am one of those people 😀 but i like clean things like my food,my bed my floor my toilet...but I know some women who can live in a filthy house...so some of us need motivation lol to do chores like a reminder all the time 😅


She cooks? She takes care of your son?working? And studying? That is quite a lot of things to do ... I think she feels exhausted already when evening comes... But I understand you feel the same too...after a long day at work...




Anyways maybe try to do a general house cleaning one fine day 😊 but don't show that you are upset with your wife or with what you are doing. Clean happily put everything in order the trash....the fridge,the kitchen,toilet,rooms etc... Then speak to your wife again not blaming her why the house is filthy...then tell her about how you feel coming home in a messy,filthy house...tell her how it affects your mood...



Tell her you appreciate her taking care of the family and happy About it...and ask her to help her manage to make the house presentable and clean... Like replacing the trash bag with a new one everyday when it is full, if your laundry day is every sunday divide the work like this week you'll gonna do the laundry and next week will be her turn... Remind her and tell her to remind you also when you forget...😊 when she does the laundry maybe sometimes give her a drink or something you know just a sweet gesture to motivate her lol 😅


communication really is a big thing...communicate not to blame but speak with love and patience... mind your voice,your words and your facial expressions... This is just my opinion I have no husband or kids yet and don't know how it will going to be if ever I'll have my own someday....but i hope someday If ever...When my husband comes home,I want him to see a happy and a clean home 😊

 

[Dino246]

I lived a similar situation when I was married, only it was two teenagers rather than a five-year old.

The core problem is not the amount of cleaning that is or isn't done; rather, it's the lack of agreement. You and your wife need to be in agreement about standards of cleanliness, who does what, and how often. Right now, you're just getting frustrated because you expect her to do "her share", but she has not agreed to that. You need to book some time with her, and prepare to discuss the matter. Tell her how her ignoring the chores makes you feel. Tell her clearly what you think is a reasonable division of labour, and invite her input.

If she is unwilling to discuss the matter, respond accordingly. Excuses and ranting should be met with clear boundaries; you don't need to tolerate five-year-old behaviour from an adult. I can understand someone being preoccupied with other concerns, but there really is no excuse for choosing to live in a pigsty. While it might seem like an extreme response to a simple domestic situation, I would encourage you to consider more serious consequences if she isn't willing to do her part. I wouldn't wish separation on anyone, but it is a reasonable response to an intransigent spouse.

 

[tstumf]

Thankyou for the advice it’s much appreciated. I don’t know either. Like tonight she has plenty of energy to go mow the lawn in the dark🤷‍♂️. But I’m the one who picked up the leftovers off the table and put our son to bed. She says she’s tired but still is more than happy to go run my mower. It’s got me confused. But Thankyou all the same for the advice.

 

[tstumf]

I lived a similar situation when I was married, only it was two teenagers rather than a five-year old.

The core problem is not the amount of cleaning that is or isn't done; rather, it's the lack of agreement. You and your wife need to be in agreement about standards of cleanliness, who does what, and how often. Right now, you're just getting frustrated because you expect her to do "her share", but she has not agreed to that. You need to book some time with her, and prepare to discuss the matter. Tell her how her ignoring the chores makes you feel. Tell her clearly what you think is a reasonable division of labour, and invite her input.

If she is unwilling to discuss the matter, respond accordingly. Excuses and ranting should be met with clear boundaries; you don't need to tolerate five-year-old behaviour from an adult. I can understand someone being preoccupied with other concerns, but there really is no excuse for choosing to live in a pigsty. While it might seem like an extreme response to a simple domestic situation, I would encourage you to consider more serious consequences if she isn't willing to do her part. I wouldn't wish separation on anyone, but it is a reasonable response to an intransigent spouse.

Thankyou Dino246. I will take your advice into consideration as well.

 

[kaylagrl]

Ok ladies, wives. I have a question. It’s going to be kind of an odd one coming from a man (I know) just hear me out. I have this weird situation happening in my home I’m trying to wrap my head around and I’m asking for wisdom on how I should approach this delicately as the husband so please be patient with me as I try to explain this situation cause I want to reasonably resolve this the best way possible . The backstory is This all started when my wife got into her later stages of pregnancy with our son 5 years ago. Prior to that I believe we had shared the house chores fairly evenly. As she got further along in her pregnancy I volunteered to take more of the burden of cleaning thinking things would at some point return to normal. 5 years later I’m still doing the majority of the house cleaning save for a load of laundry or two which I still have to normally finish for her or it just sits and mildew s in the washer or sits in the laundry basket. We both work full time but she has summers off and yet still nothing gets substantially done until I come home and just start cleaning. I’m not a clean freak to my knowledge. I like thing’s presentable and orderly but I’m not going to expect the faucets to be shined or anything like that. I have pictures I can share to those curious about what she obviously ignores and will walk by a dozen times without lifting a finger to clean it. Warning that they are gross and won’t share unless you absolutely want to see.

I was curious this time and left some things dirty just to see how long it would take. It’s been over a month of no cleaning except dishes etc and the house was so filthy I couldn’t take it anymore when I got home and didn’t say a word and just started cleaning. I’m really concerned at what’s going on. It’s not like we have 3 other kiddos making mess at the same time faster than it can be cleaned. A 5 year old boy is all. She is working on an online master’s degree but is two weeks ahead in her classes yet will still rather sit in her office and continue the classwork rather than observing that maybe the trash is overflowing and falling out of the trash can kind of chores or light cleaning. My son didn’t even want to sit at the kitchen table cause of all the crunchy crumbs and mess left so it hit me a bit hard tonight as she is at Golf league. I once tried to bring this up to her about chores a year ago but It ended in disaster cause I evidently lack the proper way to approach and say things gently ,cause it just caused arguments, she gets defensive immediately and it ruined the entire week for everyone and nothing changed .the “How dare You even mention it I’m a mom and student” kinda stuff. But yet she also gets angry if I come home and start cleaning on my own. 🤷‍♂️I’m a father and a husband at his witts end with this. What am I to do? I have no issue coming home and picking up a broom or doing dishes after supper but when I’m doing 90% of the weekly cleaning and am the only one to lift a finger on the heavy cleaning and actually following through till the job is done kinda cleaning then there has to be a problem somewhere. Open to suggestions and any Christian wisdom. Thanks.

The fact that she got defensive so quickly kind of makes me wonder if there is something deeper going on. Are you sure there isn't something like depression going on as well? People who are depressed seldom care about things like the trash piling up. Is there something more going on? Just a thought.

 

[tstumf]

The fact that she got defensive so quickly kind of makes me wonder if there is something deeper going on. Are you sure there isn't something like depression going on as well? People who are depressed seldom care about things like the trash piling up. Is there something more going on? Just a thought.

I don’t think so. To my knowledge anyway. She’s functioning fine socially with other people. Engaged in her online classes. Sings in church. I guess I might have to gently prod a bit and see now that ya mention it. It’s just so odd to me. She will constantly complain about back pain but refuses to go see a doctor about it. Then out of the blue goes to see a quick care practice about it and they just prescribe muscle relaxers but she ran the mower just fine and dandy tonight . But has been very on edge and confrontational if I bring up any serious matter. I asked a simple question about her blood pressure medication last week and got my head chewed off because “not what I said, but how I said it” I feel I really didn’t approach it or say anything any different than normal. It could be just me but It almost feels like the harder I try to pick things up the more careless she gets. I’ve literally watched her toss something towards the trash miss the trash can and it will sit on the floor for days if I let it. I’m trying to be understanding but at times it’s coming off as very rude and disrespectful I’m trying not to take it that way but after CCD so long and not being able to have genuine serious conversation about it without it turning into a childish grudge what am I to think?

 

[Gideon300]

Ok ladies, wives. I have a question. It’s going to be kind of an odd one coming from a man (I know) just hear me out. I have this weird situation happening in my home I’m trying to wrap my head around and I’m asking for wisdom on how I should approach this delicately as the husband so please be patient with me as I try to explain this situation cause I want to reasonably resolve this the best way possible . The backstory is This all started when my wife got into her later stages of pregnancy with our son 5 years ago. Prior to that I believe we had shared the house chores fairly evenly. As she got further along in her pregnancy I volunteered to take more of the burden of cleaning thinking things would at some point return to normal. 5 years later I’m still doing the majority of the house cleaning save for a load of laundry or two which I still have to normally finish for her or it just sits and mildew s in the washer or sits in the laundry basket. We both work full time but she has summers off and yet still nothing gets substantially done until I come home and just start cleaning. I’m not a clean freak to my knowledge. I like thing’s presentable and orderly but I’m not going to expect the faucets to be shined or anything like that. I have pictures I can share to those curious about what she obviously ignores and will walk by a dozen times without lifting a finger to clean it. Warning that they are gross and won’t share unless you absolutely want to see.

I was curious this time and left some things dirty just to see how long it would take. It’s been over a month of no cleaning except dishes etc and the house was so filthy I couldn’t take it anymore when I got home and didn’t say a word and just started cleaning. I’m really concerned at what’s going on. It’s not like we have 3 other kiddos making mess at the same time faster than it can be cleaned. A 5 year old boy is all. She is working on an online master’s degree but is two weeks ahead in her classes yet will still rather sit in her office and continue the classwork rather than observing that maybe the trash is overflowing and falling out of the trash can kind of chores or light cleaning. My son didn’t even want to sit at the kitchen table cause of all the crunchy crumbs and mess left so it hit me a bit hard tonight as she is at Golf league. I once tried to bring this up to her about chores a year ago but It ended in disaster cause I evidently lack the proper way to approach and say things gently ,cause it just caused arguments, she gets defensive immediately and it ruined the entire week for everyone and nothing changed .the “How dare You even mention it I’m a mom and student” kinda stuff. But yet she also gets angry if I come home and start cleaning on my own. 🤷‍♂️I’m a father and a husband at his witts end with this. What am I to do? I have no issue coming home and picking up a broom or doing dishes after supper but when I’m doing 90% of the weekly cleaning and am the only one to lift a finger on the heavy cleaning and actually following through till the job is done kinda cleaning then there has to be a problem somewhere. Open to suggestions and any Christian wisdom. Thanks.

I appreciate that your remarks are addressed to women. I am in a similar situation, so perhaps I can help.

You need to have it out with your wife. Use facts and figures. Don't get mad - near impossible without God's grace. My situation maybe worse. I share a house with someone recently showing signs of dementia. If I draw attention to the problems, I get an emotional outburst, once a threat of suicide, and yes, nothing changes. We get a couple of hours of home help once a fortnight. I'm retired so it's easier for me to clean up. That has its own issues. I'm apparently risking a heart attack because I'm doing too much.

I've lost my temper several times, which achieves nothing except to make things worse. I firmly believe that men need to manage the home. If that means cleaning up, so be it. I pray daily for wisdom.

It may be that your wife is suffering depression. It's unusual for a woman to allow her home to be so unclean. Many times a woman won't come out and say what the real problem is. God is no doubt working to expose weaknesses in both of you. His aim is to rid you both of attitude problems that are hindering your Christian walk. Every now and again, I thank God for my situation. It's not often enough, no doubt. One day I'll see why God has permitted this situation. I'm 70, so I hope it's over soon!

 

[Lanolin]

um...maybe clean TOGETHER and make it a fun thing, put some music on?
my mum is like that she complains always about mopping and sweeping and thinks by complaining someone else will do it.
tHats not the way to get anyone to do anything.
Yet dad always does the mowing and NEVER complains about it, and I have never seen mum once ever touch the lawn mower.

 

[tstumf]

um...maybe clean TOGETHER and make it a fun thing, put some music on?
my mum is like that she complains always about mopping and sweeping and thinks by complaining someone else will do it.
tHats not the way to get anyone to do anything.
Yet dad always does the mowing and NEVER complains about it, and I have never seen mum once ever touch the lawn mower.

That’s what we used to do we used to have an ok time with it. I didn’t marry a messy wife but something changed in the marriage after the birth of our son it never went back to a true shared responsibility and instead she picked up a hobbys and doing outside yards work. I never once complained about yard mowing.. but it’s only the yard work she feels like doing then the rest is up to me again. She cannot finish a task before she starts a new one and then forgets to finish the first one. I’m picking up the slack, not complaining but I’m getting wore out picking up after what seems like an adult 5 year old year after year. We will try it again. Thankyou for the advice.

 

[kaylagrl]

That’s what we used to do we used to have an ok time with it. I didn’t marry a messy wife but something changed in the marriage after the birth of our son it never went back to a true shared responsibility and instead she picked up a hobbys and doing outside yards work. I never once complained about yard mowing.. but it’s only the yard work she feels like doing then the rest is up to me again. She cannot finish a task before she starts a new one and then forgets to finish the first one. I’m picking up the slack, not complaining but I’m getting wore out picking up after what seems like an adult 5 year old year after year. We will try it again. Thankyou for the advice.

Just thinking, maybe float the idea of hiring someone to help a couple times a week and see what she says. Might be a round about to start the convo that you're needing help. If she's not willing to do her share, then you need some help. It's still odd though. Something has changed. It seems like a form of depression to me. Post partum? I'd gently try to see it there is something to that. People don't just change without reason.

 

[tstumf]

Just thinking, maybe float the idea of hiring someone to help a couple times a week and see what she says. Might be a round about to start the convo that you're needing help. If she's not willing to do her share, then you need some help. It's still odd though. Something has changed. It seems like a form of depression to me. Post partum? I'd gently try to see it there is something to that. People don't just change without reason.

I will try that and see. I think I may have suggested it once and she took it as an insult unfortunately years ago but I will try again from a different and more gentle approach. I’m up for trying anything at this point. I’m not a super emotional person but having my son say something to me as a young child about it really opened my eyes to how serious this is and that God is evidently pushing me to address it among other things that are coming up. Please just send up prayer for us. I’m wondering if I’m being hit extra hard in some spiritual warfare as well. see We just recently started rededicating our lives to Christ after falling away for a time and have hit the church attending and bible studies hard the last few months so I’m wondering if we are getting some pushback from the evil one as well in an attempt to hinder our growing faith. It was a thought that came to mind last night. I could be wrong of course but regardless please anyone just pray for us.

 

[Billyd]

Mama and I had an agreement before we were married. I don't do dishes or laundry, and she don't mow grass or tend the garden. We share other responsibilities. It's been a wonderful 60 years, and we are looking forward to many more.

Things have changed over the past few years. I pay my grandson to mow my grass, and we eat out, or eat prepackaged meals more often. We also use the cleaners more often.

My advice. Discuss what you expect of each other, before you get married. If you can't agree then, you're looking at the wrong mate. Don't get married.

 

[tstumf]

Mama and I had an agreement before we were married. I don't do dishes or laundry, and she don't mow grass or tend the garden. We share other responsibilities. It's been a wonderful 60 years, and we are looking forward to many more.

Things have changed over the past few years. I pay my grandson to mow my grass, and we eat out, or eat prepackaged meals more often. We also use the cleaners more often.

My advice. Discuss what you expect of each other, before you get married. If you can't agree then, you're looking at the wrong mate. Don't get married.

Thankyou. That may have been some advice I needed about 7 years ago. We married at 24 years old. didn’t have any pre-marital council or advice given besides a bit of secular non Christian advice from folks. Neither of us had really any dating experience. We just unfortunately spent years as an engaged couple and fell into marriage one year. neither one of us really thought this would have been an issue and we just assumed these kind of things would work themselves out as we met them. I was living as a 1hour Christian up till that point through childhood . Where church was just a routine of my youth but wasn’t truly in Christ and my wife the same.

 

[Lanolin]

well pregnancy and giving birth does take a lot out of you.
Did she feed your son and change the nappies and vomit and poo and stuff or leave that to you.
Does she wash and bathe your son, clip his hair and toenails? Does she scrape his earwax and make him blow into a tissue? Does she load the laundry -do you have your own washing machine or need to go to laundromat? and hang it out?

Some babies CAN be like a living slime fest of mucus you know. So after baby/children are taken care of, theres not much time left to straighten your surroundings.

 

[tstumf]

well pregnancy and giving birth does take a lot out of you.
Did she feed your son and change the nappies and vomit and poo and stuff or leave that to you.
Does she wash and bathe your son, clip his hair and toenails? Does she scrape his earwax and make him blow into a tissue? Does she load the laundry -do you have your own washing machine or need to go to laundromat? and hang it out?

Some babies CAN be like a living slime fest of mucus you know. So after baby/children are taken care of, theres not much time left to straighten your surroundings.

Being a farm kid I handled the early ( rice and formula)
diapers better than she.So they kinda got pushed my way early on. Later we had equal share of that. We shared the bathing responsibilities up till recently but at 5 he is getting more independent on that, she insisted on doing the ear wax thing and hair clipping herself She was doing good with nail clipping I thought but one day about a year ago Daycare made comments about his nail length and they took care of them but now I’m not sure if it’s her or daycare continuing to clip them. Laundry, we have shared electric laundry machines of course. She will start a load. And it may sit in the washer for days. Laundry may sit in the dryer for days. We used to be on top of it but now it’s like she’s given up on it and it falls on me to finish what she starts. We both delt with vomit, lots of vomiting. He had pyloric stenosis and would vomit almost constantly. It easier for me to take time off work on short notice than her work so I kinda became the person to stay home with him when he is sick. I feel really overall we share the responsibilities fairly evenly. I could write more but this is what I can tell you without writing a novel.

 

[Lanolin]

hmm ok
well. Just wondering if she grew up on a farm too or was it the city.

when you depressed and dont have the energy cleaning is the last thing you want to do. Not making excuses but that is the reality.

Sounds like the teamwork you used to have has been slipping. I dont understand just leaving washing in machine though. Its possible shes too consumed with her studies. I know studies can sometimes be all consuming (student flats can be notoriously grimy pits) but thats just the thing.

if she runs out of clothes to wear, then that might motivate her lol. No you cant buy any more clothes, you got to wear the ones youve got!

you could just blame the studies and not allow her to learn whatever shes learning, but that would take you back to the dark ages where women were not allowed an education because of pressing household duties.

Ironing shirts well, what woman irons her hsubands shirts these days. I think you might need to get used to ironing your own or wearing wrinkled ones, or just not wearing the kind of shirts that need ironing.

when your washing machine packs up from overloading then it might be time to do an intervention. You know what they say. Have to hit rockbottom before anyone realises they have a problem.

 

[tstumf]

hmm ok
well. Just wondering if she grew up on a farm too or was it the city.

when you depressed and dont have the energy cleaning is the last thing you want to do. Not making excuses but that is the reality.

Sounds like the teamwork you used to have has been slipping. I dont understand just leaving washing in machine though. Its possible shes too consumed with her studies. I know studies can sometimes be all consuming (student flats can be notoriously grimy pits) but thats just the thing.

if she runs out of clothes to wear, then that might motivate her lol. No you cant buy any more clothes, you got to wear the ones youve got!

you could just blame the studies and not allow her to learn whatever shes learning, but that would take you back to the dark ages where women were not allowed an education because of pressing household duties.

Ironing shirts well, what woman irons her hsubands shirts these days. I think you might need to get used to ironing your own or wearing wrinkled ones, or just not wearing the kind of shirts that need ironing.

when your washing machine packs up from overloading then it might be time to do an intervention. You know what they say. Have to hit rockbottom before anyone realises they have a problem.

Thankyou for your input. I will take your advice to heart.

 

[presidente]

House cleaning can become 'uneven' if spouses have different standards as to what is acceptable. I get busy with things, and I'll leave clutter until I get done with other projects, which can be a while. I can stand 'clutter' made of paperwork. But I do not like food to rot or clothes to mildew.

We have older kids now, so they take care of most of the kitchen cleanup and the sweeping, but I haven't gotten them to take initiative with the clothes. Some of them will wear the same clothes constantly if we let them.

Maybe you can approach the conversation like this, "Honey, I noticed there are crumbs on the floor and the clothes in the washer have begun to stink. We need to decide how clean we need to keep the house, and let's draw up a schedule as to how we are going to do that." And try not to accuse. Focus on defining standards of cleanliness and putting together a schedule. If she does not like scheduling stuff like this, she might resist it.

 

[GiveThanks]

The only solution here is to hire someone to help with chores...and to take your wife on a nice little vacation. A change of scenery will perk her up maybe 🤷🏾‍♀️.