For the People Who Champion Lifetime Singleness - What's Your Advice for Dealing with Single Sexuality?

[BenFTW]

Ah, the "genuine believer" part explains it. If somebody is struggling with something, and if he tries to make himself believe it's okay, he's not a "real" christian?

You can extrapolate whatever you want Lynx, but that’s not what I am saying. I think you may be offended on behalf of Seoul for no reason. I am simply offering conversation that may prove beneficial. Also I wasn’t bringing that verse up (as a solution), but addressing its misuse. 🙃

 

[seoulsearch]

Thank you for the thorough walkthrough there and I am sorry that you’ve gone through that stuff Seoulsearch.

I just didn’t understand what you meant by a consolation prize in respect to everything else and what you were up against.

I hope you dropped those... “Christians” like hot potatoes 🥔 as soon as you saw them justifying the so called normality of their lust. Not to say Christian men haven’t struggled with lust but excusing sin and justifying it as natural without any intention of changing suggests to me that you were dealing with professing Christians/worldly men. “This is who I am.” No. That is who they accepted to be.

I do wonder, you seem to have some bizarre stories of men who entertain unrighteous things or behaviors. Where are you finding these “Christians?” Do you have a vetting process? Are you listening to the Lord? Are you getting God’s go ahead? Do you have friends who can vouch for or approve of the men you encounter? In other words, wise counsel?

It’s like you’re telling one horror story after another, lol. We want a romance flick now, where love is in the air and it is God ordained. If your methods aren’t working, as the saying goes “doing the same thing over and over again expecting a different result is the definition of insanity.” Maybe try something else, if you keep getting fake Christian men?

Ben,

Before I go into all your questions asking me about my own personal life, it's only fair if you share with me first.

* What has your dating experience been like?

* Has the Lord given you a very clear "yay" or "nay" on every girl you've gone after? Were you absolutely clear about each and every one, and did you obey every step you were very specifically given?

* Do you have any women friends you talk to about these experiences? Because in mine, they are very common and not "bizarre" as you describe them.

* What does the Lord tell you about your future wife? Does He tell you where and when to meet her, and where you should go, or how you should prepare?

* What does your wise counsel look like? How big of a circle of trusted elders and friends do you go to about your deepest feelings, and what they believe God is telling you to do about them? What kinds of areas do you seek wise counsel in regarding your own life?

* Is there nothing in your own life that you keep doing more and more of, yet it's bringing you the same results, but you either won't step up or out, or don't know a better way?

If I remember right, you have posted before about having fears about trying to step out in your own life.

I'm fine with answering your questions -- I just ask that you would answer them for yourself and in as much personal detail as you are expecting me to go into first, because I want to know how someone's own advice is working for them before I take the time to answer.

There are many, many times I makes posts and you often make replies that basically say, "What kind of crazy world are you living in, Seoul? Because none of what you're saying even sounds possible to me."

All I can say is that you and I sound like two very different people who have very different experiences. That's not bad, but just because you can't relate to a great majority of what I say doesn't mean that my reality warrants your asking me to prove it to your standards every time I post.

I certainly don't mind questions.

But when it becomes a matter of, "How can that be? It's not how it is for me, so how can you convince me what you're saying is real? And are you SURE it's not because you're not living up the the standards of Christianity I am going to lay out here and check mark with you one by one?", I know I'm never going to appease someone who constantly asks those questions, and I don't feel a need to.

Yes, I have fine Christian counsel in my life, and I do seek the Lord.

Thank you for asking.

 

[Ruby123]

I think the thing is get to a place where you truly accept being single. It is not a death sentence. It has it's negatives but so does marriage. It is not a cure for loneliness nor an answer to positive self esteem. I don't know why we tend to think it is. Personally I have accepted it, I have also prayed to God to send me the right person. If it should happen, Great!!! If not I am ok with that. This life is temporal. I also believe that we are in the end days and life as we know it is about to change, covid is just the beginning.

 

[GaryA]

As if robot sex doll companions weren't bad enough, porn has crossed over into virtual reality. I don't know the research on this, but I have always wondered what the scope of effect (or if we even have a way of measuring it) virtual reality has on people's bodies, minds, and souls. How successful is it in convincing human beings as a whole that an experience is real? And how do we continue to firmly establish a line between reality and fantasy, when technology is doing everything it can to blur the two? These are things I ponder and ask God about all the time.

It's "up to no good" - that much is certain...

 

[seoulsearch]

You can extrapolate whatever you want Lynx, but that’s not what I am saying. I think you may be offended on behalf of Seoul for no reason. I am simply offering conversation that may prove beneficial. Also I wasn’t bringing that verse up (as a solution), but addressing its misuse. 🙃

Lol.

Lynx knows me pretty well -- sometimes he finishes my sentences before I can even think of an ending -- and he was spot-on in his post.

Do you know how Lynx and I met?

A very long time ago, he saw a post in which I was having some struggles and problems, and he wrote me privately and said, "I read what you wrote in the forum (and then he reiterated his understanding of what I was going through in his message.)"

He then ended by simply saying, "I was just wondering... Is there anything I can do to help?"

And that's what stood out to me.

He didn't ask for proof, he didn't question my motives, beliefs, or Christian works, he just said, "Tell me what you're going through and how I can help."

Not very many people ask say that.



And yes, Ben, I've tried my best to be patient but it seems like whenever you post on my threads, you have the same set of standards that you set for me every single time:

1. "Seoul, you have to prove to me that this really happens."

2. "Seoul, this seems really odd and unusual, so what are you obviously doing to cause all these bizarre things to happen to yourself?"

3. "Are you not praying, reading the Bible enough, talking with other Christians enough, getting their and God's direction for every step of your life?" (continued...)

4. "Because surely if you were doing these things, or at least enough of them, you wouldn't be having these issues -- obviously, since I (Ben) haven't experienced myself, you must be doing something horribly wrong that is bringing all this calamity upon you. If you would just do all the things I suggest (which I, Ben, am following to the letter myself,) then everything would work out perfectly."

The Beloved, Most Recited Magic Christian Formula -- and if you're not following it to a T, THAT'S why you're suffering! Brilliant!

Now of course I don't make every right decision. But one of the reasons I don't want to take the time to answer your questions anymore is because I know my answers will never be "enough" -- and you'll simply lather, rinse, and most notably, repeat your entire Spiritual Inquisition again in another thread.

And this whole line of thinking is exactly why I very often want to leave Christian culture.

 

[BenFTW]

Ben,

Before I go into all your questions asking me about my own personal life, it's only fair if you share with me first.

* What has your dating experience been like?

* Has the Lord given you a very clear "yay" or "nay" on every girl you've gone after? Were you absolutely clear about each and every one, and did you obey every step you were very specifically given?

* Do you have any women friends you talk to about these experiences? Because in mine, they are very common and not "bizarre" as you describe them.

* What does the Lord tell you about your future wife? Does He tell you where and when to meet her, and where you should go, or how you should prepare?

* What does your wise counsel look like? How big of a circle of trusted elders and friends do you go to about your deepest feelings, and what they believe God is telling you to do about them? What kinds of areas do you seek wise counsel in regarding your own life?

* Is there nothing in your own life that you keep doing more and more of, yet it's bringing you the same results, but you either won't step up or out, or don't know a better way?

If I remember right, you have posted before about having fears about trying to step out in your own life.

I'm fine with answering your questions -- I just ask that you would answer them for yourself and in as much personal detail as you are expecting me to go into first, because I want to know how someone's own advice is working for them before I take the time to answer.

There are many, many times I makes posts and you often make replies that basically say, "What kind of crazy world are you living in, Seoul? Because none of what you're saying even sounds possible to me."

All I can say is that you and I sound like two very different people who have very different experiences. That's not bad, but just because you can't relate to a great majority of what I say doesn't mean that my reality warrants your asking me to prove it to your standards every time I post.

I certainly don't mind questions.

But when it becomes a matter of, "How can that be? It's not how it is for me, so how can you convince me what you're saying is real? And are you SURE it's not because you're not living up the the standards of Christianity I am going to lay out here and check mark with you one by one?", I know I'm never going to appease someone who constantly asks those questions, and I don't feel a need to.

Yes, I have fine Christian counsel in my life, and I do seek the Lord.

Thank you for asking.

I’m sorry that is the way you have interpreted my posts. But I do know at times that has been my response, but understand that I am not someone who dates. So of course my perspective will be different and your stories can be jarring. I am not asking you to justify your world view or experience, I was simply inquiring (I guess) how it is that you’re having that experience. 🤷 Sorry if you feel that my questions are meant to seek your justification of your lived experience.

You don’t have to feel the need, as you don’t, to answer my questions. Consider them rhetorical, lol. Self reflective. Hopefully they in some way offer a bit of wisdom and if they don’t, I tried.

Thanks for your honesty.

 

[Lynx]

You can extrapolate whatever you want Lynx, but that’s not what I am saying. I think you may be offended on behalf of Seoul for no reason. I am simply offering conversation that may prove beneficial. Also I wasn’t bringing that verse up (as a solution), but addressing its misuse. 🙃

I never get offended on somebody else's behalf when I think the person can defend herself. That's too much effort for me. Any self respecting feline would rather go take a nap in a tree.

There are many, many times I makes posts and you often make replies that basically say, "What kind of crazy world are you living in, Seoul? Because none of what you're saying even sounds possible to me."

This right here. I have also noticed this happen, over and over, so I thought I'd ask why it happens. Also, HOW it happens, because it didn't make any sense to me. But if you disregard Christians who try to justify things they struggle with as "not REAL Christians" then it all makes sense. It's sad, but I can understand how you can claim you have never met any Christians like that.

 

[seoulsearch]

You don’t have to feel the need, as you don’t, to answer my questions. Consider them rhetorical, lol. Self reflective. Hopefully they in some way offer a bit of wisdom and if they don’t, I tried.

Thanks for your honesty.

Now THIS part I like very much.

Because with this explanation, it shifts my perspective to understanding that maybe you are asking yourself these questions just as much as you are asking me.

Thank you for taking the time to explain, and thank you as well for explaining that you are someone who doesn't date.

This helps me understand that we are essentially coming from two very different cultures, so there is bound to be some misunderstanding along the way, but hopefully that won't stop us from learning from each other.

 

[BenFTW]

I never get offended on somebody else's behalf when I think the person can defend herself. That's too much effort for me. Any self respecting feline would rather go take a nap in a tree.


This right here. I have also noticed this happen, over and over, so I thought I'd ask why it happens. Also, HOW it happens, because it didn't make any sense to me. But if you disregard Christians who try to justify things they struggle with as "not REAL Christians" then it all makes sense. It's sad, but I can understand how you can claim you have never met any Christians like that.

That is not a fair depiction of what I said and yet you keep repeating it. 😕 She mentioned dating men who justified pornography as natural and therefore perfectly normal to entertain in their daily lives (with the implication that she should just accept it).

This is like an alcoholic saying it’s okay to get drunk because it’s from the earth (made of grapes 🍇) and God created it for us to consume. God defines sin. Christians live righteously. They do not endorse, promote, defend, and/or justify sin as natural, but like the apostle Paul, encourages others to not use their members for sin unto death but righteousness unto God.

You know how people say RINO’s? Republican in name only? It seems there are Christians in name only and we can tell a tree by its fruit. And if they truly are Christians they are in desperate need of discipleship.

 

[Lynx]

You know how people say RINO’s? Republican in name only? It seems there are Christians in name only and we can tell a tree by its fruit. And if they truly are Christians they are in desperate need of discipleship.

Unfortunately there are a lot of those, because there are a lot of "Christian" voices calling out and they get confused. This church says you're supposed to live by this list of rules, that church says a few of the things on the list are really okay, and the other church says God loves you just the way you are so it's okay to throw the list out.

That doesn't make the confused people less Christian, just confused.

 

[seoulsearch]

You know how people say RINO’s? Republican in name only? It seems there are Christians in name only and we can tell a tree by its fruit. And if they truly are Christians they are in desperate need of discipleship.

I think most everyone in today's conservative Christian culture is all too aware of Christians In Name Only.

The problem is, labeling oneself a Christian without any substantial beliefs behind it has become the cultural norm. I have to wonder if the real fight that the church is facing is trying to prove to people that they actually sin, because almost everything today is either justified or labeled a "mistake" -- certainly not a rebellion against God.

I often wonder how it's going with Christian parents these days if they want to teach their children not to smoke weed, because the cultural shift has made it completely "normal." (And I know that weed is a huge area of contention between some Christians, so I'm not certainly not criticizing anyone who is for it, I'm just saying -- when I was growing up, once upon a time -- it was illegal.)

I also find that most Christians (and I'm certainly not excluded from this) define other Christians (and what their fruit is) according to how they life their own Christian life. I'm not saying this about you, Ben, but rather, I'm venting my frustrations about the Christian communities I've been part of out loud.

So in other words, if another person doesn't think, act, do, or not do (what each Christians thinks they should do,) they must not be a real Christian because 1. they sin differently than the person judging them does, and 2. they're not producing the same kind of fruit or what the other person wants to see.

For instance, I've had several people both online and in real life tell me I'm not Christian enough because I don't quote Scripture as often as they do, or because I don't evangelize everyone I come across as they do, or a million other reasons that I don't fit into their criteria.

Not only is there the issue of "Just what IS a REAL Christian anyway?", but there's also a line somewhere that says, "Not only do you have to be a REAL Christian, but you have to be a real Christian the way I'M being one."

These kinds of thoughts within Christian culture make me appreciate people like @cinder, whom many don't realize has spent a good percentage of her life working as a missionary in places and situations that most people would never want to touch. But she never makes me feel like I'm not a real Christian because I don't have the same interests, or because I don't know the Bible as well as she does, or because know how to talk to people from completely different cultures and languages about the love of Jesus like she does. She takes me as I am, but is respectfully honest with me about both the good and the bad.

One of my greatest frustrations (and avoidance) with other Christians are those who are much more interested in making other Christians into being like THEM, rather than helping people become more like Christ, and I tend to run from anyone who tries to mold me into their way of thinking just for the sake of being more like them.

 

[Lanolin]

i dont quite understand where the weirdos are seouls have encountered are coming from but maybe the lutheran church is far randier than anyone thought?

I never judge anyone is christian by their church or what they say. I know them by their FRUITS. No fruits, no holy spirit...sorry thats no Christ follower. I dont think its cos they are like me (well, nobody is going to be like me anyway!) so thats silly. Its not as if I AM JESUS. I am saved BY JESUS but I am actually not the son of God.

who wants to be my twin, nobody that I know? Besides I already have bros who are twins, and they arent even alike anyway.

Im sure plenty of people might think Im not christian enough (for their denomination) but thats fine as I don't belong to their denomination anyway! So I dont let that bother me. If it bothers you, might be time to cut ties with whatever oppressive or spiritually abusive church denomination is making you feel that way.

 

[cinder]

These kinds of thoughts within Christian culture make me appreciate people like @cinder, whom many don't realize has spent a good percentage of her life working as a missionary in places and situations that most people would never want to touch. But she never makes me feel like I'm not a real Christian because I don't have the same interests, or because I don't know the Bible as well as she does, or because know how to talk to people from completely different cultures and languages about the love of Jesus like she does. She takes me as I am, but is respectfully honest with me about both the good and the bad.

This coming from someone who far exceeds me in the whole talking honestly with non-Christian people department (most days I don't feel like I even know how to talk with people in my own culture (if I can still even call it my culture, in some aspects it is, in others well I guess I'm glad for a broader perspective)). Don't sell yourself short Seoul.

 

[Lanolin]

I think non denominational groups are a good thing cos you can all just be christians without labels and be all different journeys of faith you dont have to be the exactly the same.

some christian communities are very doctrinal and prescriptive, and some can become outright cults. If you recieve mixed messages from them and people (especially in leadership) say one thing yet do another, then maybe its time to leave it behind. You got a wolf in sheeps clothing there. Im sure ive encountered a few in my time but I dont let that shake the faith I have in Him.

I had one elderly lady in one church ask if I was saved, and I was like what?! . But then this same lady thought I should be in the teens youth group lol she either forgot or was losing her memory. Im not THAT young.

 

[Lynx]

i dont quite understand where the weirdos are seouls have encountered are coming from but maybe the lutheran church is far randier than anyone thought?

Had to snicker at this one. Sorry seoulsearch.

I don't even know any Lutherans, except seoul, and she's a recovering... er, former Lutheran. But it just sounded funny.

 

[Lynx]

It's ironic that singles are often seen as being single because of the assumptions that something is wrong with us and we're not "working hard enough" to find someone.

My line! MINE!

I mean... I know imitation is the most sincere form of flattery. But my attorney is immune to flattery, apparently. You'll hear from him soon.

 

[true_believer]

https://www.truthortradition.com/articles/the-importance-of-character

 

[true_believer]

I think most everyone in today's conservative Christian culture is all too aware of Christians In Name Only.

The problem is, labeling oneself a Christian without any substantial beliefs behind it has become the cultural norm. I have to wonder if the real fight that the church is facing is trying to prove to people that they actually sin, because almost everything today is either justified or labeled a "mistake" -- certainly not a rebellion against God.

I often wonder how it's going with Christian parents these days if they want to teach their children not to smoke weed, because the cultural shift has made it completely "normal." (And I know that weed is a huge area of contention between some Christians, so I'm not certainly not criticizing anyone who is for it, I'm just saying -- when I was growing up, once upon a time -- it was illegal.)

I also find that most Christians (and I'm certainly not excluded from this) define other Christians (and what their fruit is) according to how they life their own Christian life. I'm not saying this about you, Ben, but rather, I'm venting my frustrations about the Christian communities I've been part of out loud.

So in other words, if another person doesn't think, act, do, or not do (what each Christians thinks they should do,) they must not be a real Christian because 1. they sin differently than the person judging them does, and 2. they're not producing the same kind of fruit or what the other person wants to see.

For instance, I've had several people both online and in real life tell me I'm not Christian enough because I don't quote Scripture as often as they do, or because I don't evangelize everyone I come across as they do, or a million other reasons that I don't fit into their criteria.

Not only is there the issue of "Just what IS a REAL Christian anyway?", but there's also a line somewhere that says, "Not only do you have to be a REAL Christian, but you have to be a real Christian the way I'M being one."

These kinds of thoughts within Christian culture make me appreciate people like @cinder, whom many don't realize has spent a good percentage of her life working as a missionary in places and situations that most people would never want to touch. But she never makes me feel like I'm not a real Christian because I don't have the same interests, or because I don't know the Bible as well as she does, or because know how to talk to people from completely different cultures and languages about the love of Jesus like she does. She takes me as I am, but is respectfully honest with me about both the good and the bad.

One of my greatest frustrations (and avoidance) with other Christians are those who are much more interested in making other Christians into being like THEM, rather than helping people become more like Christ, and I tend to run from anyone who tries to mold me into their way of thinking just for the sake of being more like them.

Considering that there are over 45,000 Christian denominations, a "real Christian" is a subjective term.

 

[BenFTW]

Considering that there are over 45,000 Christian denominations, a "real Christian" is a subjective term.

There really is no subjectivity to being a child of God. Either you are or you aren’t, haha. Yes how people define a true Christian may differ, but objectively we have scripture as the standard to give us the tenets of the faith.

When I say a “real Christian” I am not judging the heart of another but rather the lack of fruit in repentance. A complete disregard for righteousness and people will say they believe in God (deity) without actually having believed in Christ (the Son of God). They say they love God but they do not love their neighbor (1 John 4:20).

Their definition of a Christian is loose, and not grounded in truth. A profession in identity but not expressed in character. It reminds me of the question, what good is your faith? You carry His name but live as if He doesn’t exist. It’s sad. Both for their experience in life and for God, who desires that they know Him and experience His goodness.

 

[Lanolin]

from what I know of christian parents raising children its never a given that your child will follow the Lord. It seems to me both parents will do their best, but once their child is adult they cannot dictate what their offspring does or believes.
They can only pray that faith will stick. It can be heartbreaking when they ignore or are rebellious, but I think if they are trained the way in which they should go they wont depart from it.

What this training entails is something parents need to figure out together and start right from birth (or even before) I suppose. But a lot of parenting situations these days arent ideal.