Dear Ladies: You Can’t Custom Order A Husband Like You Can A Starbucks Drink

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Lanolin

Well-known member
Dec 15, 2018
23,460
7,188
113
#41
This can be true for some women, no doubt about that.

For others of us (uh, mainly me, speaking for myself :ROFL:,) we're (I mean, me) just tired of all the drama and impossible hoops set by both genders. I'd love to meet the right person but one thing I've learned about my own personality is that if the relationship is putting me on the verge of "attack" mode, it's time to leave (and I hope that would show itself before any talk of marriage.)

I've talked extensively about the last boyfriend I had, which was forever and a day ago.

One of the many issues involved was when I went over to his mom's house, where he lived with his two young boys sleeping in the next room, and he was printing out a stack of pornographic pictures from the internet -- all featuring "exotic" women. It doesn't take much to know that among many other things, porn brings out a woman's insecurities to the max. And when I walked in, he acted like he was printing out the newspaper -- "Boys will be boys; God made men visual, etc." was his general attitude. And when he did finally feel some remnant of guilt kicking in, did he get rid of it? No, he just passed it on to a male relative.

Knowing him pretty well, I knew that one of his biggest insecurities, for some reason, was his nose. I didn't see anything wrong with it, but he would make comments about what he didn't like about it.

In the back of my mind, I already knew what I was planning to do. At the time, companies like Ralph Lauren were running regular ads featuring men (fully clothed) with perfect, Roman noses. Because he had such a nonchalant attitude towards the things that were killing me emotionally, I was going to return the favor by "decorating,) various places I knew he would see (the inside of his car, the room where he stayed) with pictures of these chiseled, proportionately "perfect" MALE faces. These men would all be 100% clothed -- and yet, I already knew how he would have reacted to it. But he had no consideration at all in regards to his pictures of naked women.

I never actually put up those pictures. And this was so long ago, I can't remember how much longer it was before I just left the relationship. From then on, any situation in which an ongoing problem that can't be worked out puts me in "retaliation" mode, I just leave, before it can get that far. And I know that's how I would react again (probably worse, as I've gotten even less tolerant with age,) if I were dating another guy who was into porn.

The thing is, if it's a guy friend, I can have all the sympathy in the world, offering to talk and pray about it if he wants. But if it's someone I'm dating, then his porn problem becomes my problem, and that isn't going to settle at all.

Not that I don't do plenty of things wrong on my own, of course. But that's kind of become my litmus test -- if it gets to a point where either or both of us are doing something that's almost constantly hurting the other person, it's time to break up while we still can.

And don't worry about me collecting cats -- I'm allergic, and am not interested in drugging myself up to be around them.

Being alone used to be one of my biggest fears ever in this life -- but now I see it as a chance to talk to, fellowship with, and live life in the companionship of others who have found themselves walking the same path.

When we singles unite in friendship and help each other out, suddenly, we are no longer alone.
that is gross seoul..did you date someone with a porn problem.
what did you do? report him? Before he tried to pimp you out?
 

Lanolin

Well-known member
Dec 15, 2018
23,460
7,188
113
#42
what I would have done was call the police.
porn isnt a problem so much as a crime.

Those women dont do it willingly, they are coerced. And if it involves children, even worse. many are underage.
 

seoulsearch

OutWrite Trouble
May 23, 2009
16,703
5,611
113
#43
what I would have done was call the police.
porn isnt a problem so much as a crime.

Those women dont do it willingly, they are coerced. And if it involves children, even worse. many are underage.
If you are going to report every man "with a porn problem," there won't be many left.

I just did a quick Google search and one estimate said that even 63% of PASTORS admitted to a porn and/or sexual addiction problem.

This IS a factor as to why I'm still single. As I said in my earlier post -- if I'm friends with a guy, I'm more than happy to listen and pray with him and for him. But if I date someone with a porn problem, that means I am in direct competition with the porn for his competition and I would be a fool to think I could win.

that is gross seoul..did you date someone with a porn problem.
what did you do? report him? Before he tried to pimp you out?
Lol... No worries about anyone trying to "pimp me out."

I am way too ornery. :ROFL:
 

Lanolin

Well-known member
Dec 15, 2018
23,460
7,188
113
#44
thats terrible seoul.
I would avoid those churches like the plague if they had pastors with PORN problems.
Id report them too. Its a crime. why do people turn a blind eye. I am serious.

Do you know what a crime human trafficking is.
 

Lanolin

Well-known member
Dec 15, 2018
23,460
7,188
113
#45
if that happened in school and it was a principal they would be put in jail so fast and lose their job.

Its not something you take lightly or shove under a rug. its abuse.
 

Dino246

Senior Member
Jun 30, 2015
25,602
13,861
113
#46
Also, a question for men, what type of expectations (if any) should women have of men's appearance, jobs/income, or education?
“Expectations”? Few: employed (or training, or actively seeking employment), education is only relevant in some fields, and appearance... whatever works for you (not for Hollywood).

Faithfulness to God and personal integrity are also worth expecting.
 
T

TheIndianGirl

Guest
#47
“Expectations”? Few: employed (or training, or actively seeking employment), education is only relevant in some fields, and appearance... whatever works for you (not for Hollywood).

Faithfulness to God and personal integrity are also worth expecting.
I think most women do have few expectations - employed, educated/has common sense, decent, God-fearing, and nice looking. Regarding employment/education, most women want men who can provide (help provide) for a spouse/family. Generally, higher education corresponds to higher income and ability to pay for necessities, not always. In many cities, it takes two decent incomes to afford a modest home that needs repairs. If the husband doesn't want the wife to work, he has to cover expenses such as:

- a home in a safe/decent neighborhood
- ability to pay bills, such as mortgage, year end taxes, cell phone, electricity, grocery budget, etc.
- ability to pay/save for unexpected bills, such as root canals/dental issues, car repairs, home repairs
- save for retirement
- ability to save for kids expenses/extra curricular activities (sports gear, musical instruments, etc.)
- niceties such as eating out sometimes, modest vacations to make memories, etc.

Not all jobs are able to cover above items. However if a woman seeks a man who is able to cover the above items, or someone who will soon have the potential to cover these items (through training or education), the woman is seen as mercenary, shallow, or gold-digger. I'm not saying women should completely avoid the starving artist, sometimes you can't help with whom you fall in love. However, when seeking someone, both men and women have some criteria.
 
R

Ruby123

Guest
#48
If you are going to report every man "with a porn problem," there won't be many left.

I just did a quick Google search and one estimate said that even 63% of PASTORS admitted to a porn and/or sexual addiction problem.

This IS a factor as to why I'm still single. As I said in my earlier post -- if I'm friends with a guy, I'm more than happy to listen and pray with him and for him. But if I date someone with a porn problem, that means I am in direct competition with the porn for his competition and I would be a fool to think I could win.



Lol... No worries about anyone trying to "pimp me out."

I am way too ornery. :ROFL:
That is a high percentage of pastors that suffer with a porn problem. I think society thinks of it as a normal part of life. I am also surprised that these porn actors have husbands/wifes and kids. It is just a normal job that pays well so it is accepted by their partners because of the money it brings in. I remember watching Louis Thereoux a journalist and interviewer who interviewed some porn actors about their jobs and asked them questions. He is a great interviewer and did some really interesting shows.
 

Lanolin

Well-known member
Dec 15, 2018
23,460
7,188
113
#49
its not normal, its perverse.

If youve read 'children of Las Vegas', the children actually dont think their parents who are involeved with porn etc are normal. They would do anything not to live there.
 

Lynx

Folksy yet erudite
Aug 13, 2014
27,718
9,650
113
#50
Lanolin: No wonder you have such a warped view of everything related to the USA. You gotta stop choosing your reading material based on sensationalism.
 

cinder

Senior Member
Mar 26, 2014
4,436
2,423
113
#51
I'm just going to throw in here that too often we approach the decision of who to marry as looking for a completed project rather than a work in progress. Maybe it's not so much about what someone's life is now as about the trajectory for life that they're setting themselves on ( maybe that matters with age as you have a whole lot more growth and development time at 20 than you do at 60 or 70).
 
Nov 26, 2012
3,095
1,050
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#52
Ok, full disclaimer, I'm married. But I saw this post on my FB feed and it's getting a lot of feedback. So here is the article,


https://thefederalist.com/2021/05/0...der-a-husband-like-you-can-a-starbucks-drink/

Now when I was single I spent a lot of years traveling and really didn't think about everything I wanted in a man, other than being a Christian. It was a back burner thing for me. But within this article is a link to an article another woman posted "Single Ladies List." Now from the perspective of a married lady I had a chuckle that this. And I thought it's no wonder men are so confused about what women want, I think they are confused themselves. The list is huge, but I want to try and post some and start a discussion, for both sides, about expectations in marriage. I look forward to seeing the answers. Here we go...


Boo must be:



1. -Expressive of love and devotion and affirmation of me

2. -Emotionally expressive, romantic, demonstrative in gifts and gestures

3. -Fun to be around

4.-Confident but not arrogant or cocky or unhealthily charming/too flirtatious

5. -Not afraid to pursue me, or if he is, he still does diligently

6. -Quirky, non-boring sense of humor

7. -Present, not distracted

8. -Easy to be around

9. -Curiosity about me, to study and know and understand and best love me, an interest in where I’ve come from and what makes me me

10. -Unafraid to affirm and show affection

11. -Great listener

12. -Is clear about his priority of me

13. -Sensitive and aware

14. -Not an approval addict , -Not an attention addict

15. -Notices and pays attention to little things: dates, anniversaries, details, places that are significant to us and me and him

16. -Values my words and contributions to conversation

17.-Pays attention to me when with friends, wants to serve and be near

18.-Sentimental and soft-hearted

19.-Rugged and appreciates nature and beauty

20.-Writes notes and communicates love regularly

21. -Whimsical and cares about living a great story together

22, -Loves children, old people, friends, family, lingering

23. -Regularly shows me affection in various ways and reminds me he’s thinking of me


24. -Supportive always, even in disagreement

25. -Cares deeply about my wounds

26. -Nurtures, loves and promotes my voice literally and figuratively

27. -Recognizes and respects my physical limitations with great love and sympathy

28.-Cares about and prioritizes and sacrifices for my needs

29. --Cares about my experiences with romance, loss, sense of curse, feelings of worthlessness, knows and tends to wounds

30. -Hunger to understand my background influences and experiences

31. -Not patriarchal

32. -Great with money

33. -Willing/adventurous eater -Loves exploring -Loves eating out, enjoys little luxuries -Plans vacations and trips with and for me

34. -Loves to cook with me and for me



Ok, this even all her list, but these are some of the interesting things she posted. I'd like to hear your opinions on this.
I get that this is a funny kind of post to get the ball rolling. I think since there will be single women agreeing with many listed traits, I would like to present the disclaimer:
First, that men are reactive and inspired by women. So, the woman who posted this would have to be far greater in appearance and personality than any other woman to have a man fully devote himself and worship her like suggested.

Or, he might be a psychopath and she will likely be chained up in his basement.

Secondly, this man would completely bore any woman into an affair. Women don’t want dudes who worship them unless they are narcissistic. He would be utterly too passive to keep her interested. Women like challenge and drama. Unless this guy is super powerful, wealthy or famous, his lack of authority will disgust her in months.
 
K

kaylagrl

Guest
#53
I get that this is a funny kind of post to get the ball rolling. I think since there will be single women agreeing with many listed traits, I would like to present the disclaimer:
First, that men are reactive and inspired by women. So, the woman who posted this would have to be far greater in appearance and personality than any other woman to have a man fully devote himself and worship her like suggested.

Or, he might be a psychopath and she will likely be chained up in his basement.
Secondly, this man would completely bore any woman into an affair. Women don’t want dudes who worship them unless they are narcissistic. He would be utterly too passive to keep her interested. Women like challenge and drama. Unless this guy is super powerful, wealthy or famous, his lack of authority will disgust her in months.

IDK I think this lady is trying to come down on both sides of it. At one point she's wanting a rugged man that can build her a cabin in the woods, the next she wants a poet to write her love poems. The whole point of posting though was not to say how wrong or right her list is, but self reflect and see if that's what we do/did in our relationships.

I traveled and sang when I was single, naturally everyone thought I would marry a man that would fit in with that lifestyle. And soon that was the person I thought, if ever, I would end up with. But I didn't. My hubby can't hold a tune, he couldn't do what I did. He's never even seen me in concert, which was something I did for 20 yrs. The point is sometimes we can't see the forest for the trees.

We're somewhat conditioned by movies and media to think love is a certain thing when it's not. For instance, how many movies have you seen where the guy throws rose petals all over the bed, the floor, a little path goes to a bubble bath where soft candle light glows in the room? I confess, my hubby has never done that . But as I'm growing up as a woman (yes still growing) I realized that many things can be romantic. We got on this subject the other day and he asked what I meant. I said "Well, you love my nephews as much as I do. And they adore you." My husband didn't grow up around kids, he was an only child. He had no experience with kids. But he loves our nephews and every time they come to visit we have an adventure. I have just hundreds of pictures of things we have done with the boys since they were little. Now they are in their teens and always happy to come visit. Whether it's playing video games, climbing up the side of a gorge or making steaks and hot dogs for the family, my hubby is there leading the charge. He'll get home from a long day at work, grab a shower and he's ready to play basketball, go to a car show, take a boat ride down the river, play mini golf. Whatever the kids are happy to do, he's there, joking, playing, engaging with our nephews in a way even their own father hasn't. That, I told my hubby, is romance. Because that is attractive to me, that he is so attentive to those boys. That was the point of this post. To be introspective and see if maybe you're expectations are unrealistic and you're focusing on the wrong things. Or maybe you aren't and your expectations are dead on. Just a thoughtful exercise to look at what we expect in marriage, and what marriage really is. Sometimes, it's not the same.
 
K

kaylagrl

Guest
#54
If you are going to report every man "with a porn problem," there won't be many left.

I just did a quick Google search and one estimate said that even 63% of PASTORS admitted to a porn and/or sexual addiction problem.

This IS a factor as to why I'm still single. As I said in my earlier post -- if I'm friends with a guy, I'm more than happy to listen and pray with him and for him. But if I date someone with a porn problem, that means I am in direct competition with the porn for his competition and I would be a fool to think I could win.



Lol... No worries about anyone trying to "pimp me out."

I am way too ornery. :ROFL:

Hubby has been very open to me about his past. He said one day that he had gone to a strip club when he was a young guy, a friend of his convinced him to go. I said "oh, and how was that?" lol And he said it was the most desperate, disgusting and depressing place he had ever been. He said it was awful, men throwing away money just to get a moment of attention. He said it was like they believed these women wanted them. He told his friend he was done and left. He said the women looked so hard and rough.

We talked about porn also. He said that porn makes a man think that all women want to be treated that way. He said " porn is for men that haven't grown up, they're still boys in their minds, they don't know how to be with a woman. That is just lust." In his opinion a grown man doesn't think like that. He said "they don't know how to treat or be with a woman". I thought that was an interesting POV. He said some guys never grow past that. I always like to get hubby's POV on different subjects. He's really laid back, doesn't need or want the focus on him, he's the still waters run deep kind of guy. I always like to hear what he thinks on any given subject. I think he'd give my nephews good advice if they came to him in private.
 

Lynx

Folksy yet erudite
Aug 13, 2014
27,718
9,650
113
#55
Secondly, this man would completely bore any woman into an affair. Women don’t want dudes who worship them unless they are narcissistic. He would be utterly too passive to keep her interested. Women like challenge and drama. Unless this guy is super powerful, wealthy or famous, his lack of authority will disgust her in months.
I don't know... I know a few very domineering women who have found very meek, passive husbands and seem happy with them. I think they like having men who always let them have their own way.
 

tourist

Senior Member
Mar 13, 2014
42,663
17,114
113
69
Tennessee
#56
when people present others with a laundry list of stuff to do its like. Ok here we go...more work.

SHe might regret making the list when it falls on her to organise a wedding, which I've seen others totally stress out about and takes years to plan.

the 'great with money' number 32 is funny, Why she didnt put it on the top of the list as obviously with a list like this it takes a lot of it --- talk about high maintenance!
Absolutely, high maintenance. Would like to see her list about what she has to offer a prospective husband.
 

tourist

Senior Member
Mar 13, 2014
42,663
17,114
113
69
Tennessee
#57
I do not desire a husband in this season of my life. However, I have studied the Biblical role of a husband. I studied it because in my experience, the Biblical role of a husband isn't something that is really emphasized in church. It's glossed over at best. In my experience, more focus has been placed on what a Godly wife should bring to the table.

Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her … Ephesians 5:25

We know that Jesus died for the church, but Jesus also demonstrated AGAPE love for the church in so many other ways BEFORE he died for the church.

Characteristics of Agape love
https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=1+Corinthians+13:4-7&version=NIV&interface=amp

Jesus FORGAVE the church. Ephesians 4:32

Jesus showed COMPASSION. Matthew 9:36, Matthew 14:14, Matthew 15:32, Mark 6:34, Mark 8:2

Jesus was HUMBLE. Philippians 2:5-8, Matthew 11:29, Matthew 21:5, John 13:1-7

Jesus was NOT SELF SEEKING. His goal was to please and do the will of his Heavenly Father, so he could be a blessing to the church. John 5:30, John 6:38 Matthew 26:39

Jesus promoted PEACE. John 20:21, John 16:33, John 14:27

Jesus PRAYED for the church.

Jesus promoted TRUTH. John 18:37, John 1:14

Jesus proclaimed JUSTICE. Matthew 12:18

Jesus is a GIVER and not a taker. 2 Thessalonians 2:16-17, Matthew 11:28, Matthew 15:36

Jesus SUFFERED for the church. 1 Peter 4:1-2

Jesus came to SERVE the church. Mark 10:45 Matthew 20:28

Jesus stopped calling the church slaves and started calling the church FRIENDS. John 15:15
Why? Because that’s how Jesus AGAPE - LOVED the church.

The Bible says that husbands should …

- DIE for their wives. Ephesians 5:25
- NOURISH and CHERISH their wives. Eph 5:29
- should not be harsh with their wives. Col 3:19
- PRAISE their wives for their good deeds. Pro 31:28
- TRUST their wives, if they are virtuous. Pro 31:11
- HONOR their wives. 1 Pet 3:7
- dwell with their wives in an UNDERSTANDING way. 1 Pet 3:7
- Recognize and treat their wives as co-heirs of grace. 1 Pet 3:7
- be FAITHFUL to their own wives. Pro 5:15
- should not have sex with other women. Pro 5:17
- be happy with the wives they married when they were young. Pro 5:18
- be attracted to their own wives and stay deeply in love. Pro 5:19

Based on Christ's example and the instructions given to husbands, potential Christian husbands should cultivate the following virtues:
love
forgiveness
compassion
humility
generosity
peacefulness
a consistent prayer life
truthfulness
seek justice
long suffering
service to others
view wife as a friend rather than his slave.
die to self
gentleness
praise (words of affirmation)
trustfulness
understanding
faithfulness

That's a tall order and long list, but it is scripture.
No man or woman (besides Jesus) is perfect. Even men (and women) striving to love like Jesus and cultivate the fruit of the spirit will fall short.

FYI: Potential Christian wives should be cultivating ALL of the same virtues. Why? Because BOTH men and women are instructed to AGAPE love and cultivate the fruit of the spirit. John 13:34-35,
Gal 5:33
I would put faithfulness at the top of the list.
 

Magenta

Senior Member
Jul 3, 2015
61,138
30,286
113
#58
what I would have done was call the police.
porn isnt a problem so much as a crime.
In many places, it is not illegal to view porn. What, exactly, would you report?
 
Nov 26, 2012
3,095
1,050
113
#59
IDK I think this lady is trying to come down on both sides of it. At one point she's wanting a rugged man that can build her a cabin in the woods, the next she wants a poet to write her love poems. The whole point of posting though was not to say how wrong or right her list is, but self reflect and see if that's what we do/did in our relationships.

I traveled and sang when I was single, naturally everyone thought I would marry a man that would fit in with that lifestyle. And soon that was the person I thought, if ever, I would end up with. But I didn't. My hubby can't hold a tune, he couldn't do what I did. He's never even seen me in concert, which was something I did for 20 yrs. The point is sometimes we can't see the forest for the trees.

We're somewhat conditioned by movies and media to think love is a certain thing when it's not. For instance, how many movies have you seen where the guy throws rose petals all over the bed, the floor, a little path goes to a bubble bath where soft candle light glows in the room? I confess, my hubby has never done that . But as I'm growing up as a woman (yes still growing) I realized that many things can be romantic. We got on this subject the other day and he asked what I meant. I said "Well, you love my nephews as much as I do. And they adore you." My husband didn't grow up around kids, he was an only child. He had no experience with kids. But he loves our nephews and every time they come to visit we have an adventure. I have just hundreds of pictures of things we have done with the boys since they were little. Now they are in their teens and always happy to come visit. Whether it's playing video games, climbing up the side of a gorge or making steaks and hot dogs for the family, my hubby is there leading the charge. He'll get home from a long day at work, grab a shower and he's ready to play basketball, go to a car show, take a boat ride down the river, play mini golf. Whatever the kids are happy to do, he's there, joking, playing, engaging with our nephews in a way even their own father hasn't. That, I told my hubby, is romance. Because that is attractive to me, that he is so attentive to those boys. That was the point of this post. To be introspective and see if maybe you're expectations are unrealistic and you're focusing on the wrong things. Or maybe you aren't and your expectations are dead on. Just a thoughtful exercise to look at what we expect in marriage, and what marriage really is. Sometimes, it's not the same.
Absolutely, I agree with this and I know that you know. I fully accept that we will never see eye to eye on all of Scripture. However when it comes to what you post about being a wife and mother I always 100% agree. I think your family is lucky to have you. While on the topic, I hope your Mother’s Day is truly blessed. I hope you keep posting more to the up and coming younger generation, they need your wisdom and perspective.
 
Nov 26, 2012
3,095
1,050
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#60
I don't know... I know a few very domineering women who have found very meek, passive husbands and seem happy with them. I think they like having men who always let them have their own way.
What happens when they don’t get their way?