Wow I relate to this. The toxic Christians including a parent who abused me. And suicidal ideation and attempts. What am dealing with now is the trying to stop worrying about what people think of me and separate my identity from what others think of me? I
It's really hard
Yes, this is incredibly difficult to stop. We place so much value and importance on the thoughts of people who are living in an emotional Matrix. Why do we do this? This is a most worthy question to begin thinking about . . . acting upon . . . and conclusively resolving forever.
Jesus, Stephen, and the Apostle Paul all said essentially the same thing: "Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do." - Isn't that an amazing thing to think about? What does that mean? People didn't realize what they were doing? How is that possible? If you were to ask each person that was in the process of killing any of the three, they'd say that they knew exactly what they were doing. But the Truth is . . . they were all blinded. If these people did not realize what they were doing, and if their hearts were hardened so that they could not understand . . . that's the OG Matrix.
This is what the Sinful Nature does to a person . . . it is the author of confusion. Until that Sinful Nature is cut out and removed, these nutjobs that are abusing you are going to continue to do so . . . and with stone, cold hearts. Check it out . . .
Colossians 2:11-13 NLT - "When you came to Christ, you were "circumcised," but not by a physical procedure. Christ performed a spiritual circumcision--the cutting away of your sinful nature. 12 For you were buried with Christ when you were baptized. And with him you were raised to new life because you trusted the mighty power of God, who raised Christ from the dead. 13 You were dead because of your sins and because your sinful nature was not yet cut away. Then God made you alive with Christ, for he forgave all our sins."
English Chick . . . what if you are the person who has received this Circumcision of Christ? What if, when you Turned to Christ, He really did remove that Sinful, Effectual Way from your heart? Hang in there with me . . .
Now, what if those around you . . . those who cause you to feel so badly about yourself that you are afraid of their very thoughts . . . what if you came to understand and realize that it is likely that Jesus hasn't removed that Evil Way from their hearts? Doesn't this make sense? You're suffering because your Heart is soft, tender, and responsive to others. In other words, you possess the Love of Jesus Christ. And check this out . . .
Ezekiel 11:19 NLT - 19 And I will give them singleness of heart and put a new spirit within them. I will take away their stony, stubborn heart and give them a tender, responsive heart,
Ezekiel 36:26 NLT - 26 And I will give you a new heart, and I will put a new spirit in you. I will take out your stony, stubborn heart and give you a tender, responsive heart.
Is this not you? Are you not leaping for joy as you read about the very Heart that the Lord has given to you? And those who cause you all of this unnecessary anxiety (that I am allll toooo familiar with)? It's ok to consider them . . . and ask yourself if these people meet this simple description. Do they have a soft, tender Heart? If they did, why would you be afraid of them? If they had been given a responsive Heart from Christ, they would respond to you instead of reacting like poison.
Do you see what I am doing? We have been afraid of the thoughts of sick people who are not in the Holy Favor of the Lord. You, Miss EnglishChick . . . you are set apart . . . you are different . . . you are a Nazarine! You worry about what others think about you because they're never going to be able to understand your more Pure and Holy thoughts. Well, if they can't possibly understand your more upright and noble wisdom, then why should WE ever be afraid of that?!?!
You can begin to alleviate all of your earthly and worldly pain by simply turning all things around upon this Evil world. As of this simple email, you will no longer be on the bottom rung of the ladder of life. No way. The Lord brought Israel out of Egypt so that they would hold their heads high. And you are to do the very same! Be proud of yourself in a perfectly balanced way. And what is that like? Balanced price is when you neither overly love yourself nor do you hate yourself in any way, shape, or form. And that is "you" . . . beginning right now. Check this out!
Leviticus 26:13 NLT - "I am the LORD your God, who brought you out of the land of Egypt so you would no longer be their slaves.
I broke the yoke of slavery from your neck so you can walk with your heads held high."
Right now, I am holding your hand and leading you out of the Matrix that others have held you within all this time. No more! One concept that will be extremely helpful for you, is to consistently remind yourself that these poor souls that cause such pain and strife . . . they need to know the very Jesus that has already Known you. You're in a completely different place in life than any of those confused souls. Feel good about yourself. Do you know how important it is that you are able to feel? The implications behind the fact that you love others, means that you have been loved by God.
You will need to practice, practice, practice your new way of thinking. If we don't change the way we think, things will never change.
Romans 12:2 NLT - "Don't copy the behavior and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. Then you will learn to know God's will for you, which is good and pleasing and perfect."
I believe in you because I believe that you have found and Known by Jesus.