Pregnant & recently single-heartbroken need men’s perspective
- Thread starter neverhopeless911
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K
kaylagrl
Guest
Well I could give you the advice other women have or I could be real. Have you ever heard "but for the grace of God go I?" Let me share with you. About ten years ago I fell in love, or so I thought, with a man. I met him in church but he was like your guy, rather in and out, not really making a commitment. I thought that I could help lead him to the Lord. I wasn't even attracted to him at first. But before I knew it, I was smitten. The relationship didn't last very long, but I let down my standards as I never had before. He was trying to get a job in my area and moved in with my parents for a couple months. But instead of me pulling him closer to church, he pulled me further away. In my heart I knew I was wrong and I prayed that God would save him so I didn't have to feel guilty about our relationship anymore. He had jobs, but so many I couldn't keep track, he was there and gone. Nothing was stable about him. He'd say I didn't love him and I really wanted someone who had been a Christian a long time, he'd cry and blame me. I spent more time in tears than I ever had in my life. I was so torn.
At this point in my life, I was in traveling ministry. I wanted him to come to the alter so badly. Then one night he called me drunk as could be, he had never drank in front of me.I was about a thousand miles away. He was crying and upset and had cut himself. I had to minister the next morning and here I sat up with him most of the night. My mother gently tried to talk to me but I was in love. I couldn't let go. Surely God would bring him to the alter to be saved. But that didn't happen. That morning a young lady came forward to the alter and God sent her over to me. She had the same story I did, and you do, and children were involved. She felt so guilty and I hugged her and cried with her. But when I got home, I fell in with him again. Finally God gave him a job opportunity clear across the country. Oh how I cried the day he was leaving. He said it was temporary and made so many promises. Less than 6 months later, when he slowly stopped taking my calls, I talked to his brother who had gotten him the job and was with him. He informed it was over, that he didn't want to see me again and that he was living with a woman. Devastated!! I cried night and day for months. Then around my birthday in March he called me. So sweet, my heart soared!! He asked for money, and I SENT IT!! That's how badly deceived I was. I prayed for him daily for a full year. So wherever he is in his life, he's blessed.
I have never shared this testimony here before. I'm sharing it now because I think you need to hear it. The long and short of the story is I'm married to a wonderful man, who works, I have a beautiful home and I know he loves me. Most importantly he goes to church with me, I don't drag him. The other person, God moved out of my life. So my advice would be to ask the Lord to mend the relationship to where he can see the children and if it be His will to have you together,good. But if it's not His will and will only bring heartache, ask God to remove him so far from your life that you have no choice but to forget him. Women love deeply and beyond all reason sometimes. I'm not saying your guy is bad, I'm just saying ask for God's will to be made clear to you. God forgives when we ask and He throws our sins into the deepest sea, never to be remembered again. Dear sister, forget the past, press onward. God has good things in store for you. You just can't see it from where you are. You're going to be ok. Blessings.
WOW. Thank you so much for sharing your testimony with me and the others on here! This is really touching and encouraging and I am so happy that you found a wonderful man who treats you right and takes care of you God definitely rewarded you and blessed you with a good husband! I pray that exact prayer from the bottom of my heart that if he is not for me for God to remove him out of my heart completely of course I will allow him to have a relationship with his children and I truly hope and pray over God‘s will for our life. I’m going to go to prayer night tonight at my church and will ask him from the bottom of my heart to do just that. You are amazing ma’am and I’m glad that God took him out your life bc he had someone made just for you
God is good.
God's will is for you to obey Him by keeping the commands of His son, the Lord Jesus Christ. Listen to Jesus if you want to be his disciple.I understand this and this is why I mentioned me wanting to do the right thing, I am well aware that we have been living in sin, I told him I wanted to please God and wanted to get married, he made me believe he wanted the same which lead me to believe it would happen soon, I can’t make the man propose and commit to me if he’s not willing. I know I need to choose God I was just hoping I could have my marriage my husband my family & GOD that TOGETHER we could grow closer to him and serve him.guess that’s not happening and maybe his will is for me to be a single mother with a broken family.
“If anyone comes to me and does not hate his own father and mother and wife and children and brothers and sisters, yes, and even his own life, he cannot be my disciple. Whoever does not bear his own cross and come after me cannot be my disciple. For which of you, desiring to build a tower, does not first sit down and count the cost, whether he has enough to complete it? Otherwise, when he has laid a foundation and is not able to finish, all who see it begin to mock him, saying, ‘This man began to build and was not able to finish.’ Or what king, going out to encounter another king in war, will not sit down first and deliberate whether he is able with ten thousand to meet him who comes against him with twenty thousand? And if not, while the other is yet a great way off, he sends a delegation and asks for terms of peace. So therefore, any one of you who does not renounce all that he has cannot be my disciple" (Luke 14:26-33).
Wonderful testimony. You have always been so nice and such a blessing to the body of Christ.
K
kaylagrl
Guest
A lot of hard lessons learned. But God saved me from my stupidity I often say. Thank you for the compliment brother, several here would disagree. lol I feel the same way about you. I can be direct, sometimes I have to pull back, but I try to keep my spirit right. I'm a work in progress. lol
The father of your children has clearly demonstrated that he is not even remotely worthy to be your husband. I would recommend that you get free of him physically, relationally, and legally as soon as you can. Don't keep him from seeing the kids, but otherwise cut ties with him. Get legal help, and get an injunction for financial support from him for the children. Otherwise, get on with your life and seek the Lord for guidance. May He bless you and keep you safe.I will try to make this as short as possible it’s a looot I am pregnant and my bf wasn’t happy abt it, we have a toddler together already, he wanted an abortion on both pregnancies, not an option for me. I refused and stayed w him he eventually got on board and we were trying to make it work fr my family, I mentioned before I wanted marriage and he said he did too yet I feel like he’s been stringing me a long fr 2 years. He claims to want to be blessed by God too so wants to marry also and when he messes up and I’m ready to leave he begs me to go to church w him and to let God fix us, so I do and again I stay...I forgive I move fwd w him. He has communication issues and talking is nearly impossible, he always leaves us when he’s mad at me he says it’s my house bc it’s under my name so tht it’s not his “home” and wanted me to sell but he’s so unstable it scares me to get rid of the only stability I have at the moment! So lately idk if due to hormones I’ve been feeling ready to walk away bc I feel alone, he doesn’t help me with our bills hasn’t in two years he says it’s my house not his when I questioned him why he doesn’t care to contribute he says I make it clear this is not his home and that’s his excuse, which is not true, I tel him he could treat it as his home if he wanted to, so he notices I’m distant bc everything is adding up and bothering me and he breaks up w me accuses me of cheating and btw anytime we disagree he moves out moves in w a friend or his brother, I lost track of how many times he’s left us, he doesn’t help around the house or with the kids..and when he is here he’s not present he’ll be on his phone or laptop into his stocks. But when he leaves after a while he starts missing me and comes back, and we try again!!!!! I’m exhausted I want to do right by God to be blessed to be married to have a supportive loving husband that doesn’t abandon me and the kids one that helps me and takes care of me that actually cares abt losing me, how can he do this to me I’m 14 weeks pregnant and high risk and have been so sick and he could care lessI asked him for a conversation before he left and he refused to speak w me and preferred ending things w me over text and
emoji, smh. He was being insulting and mean...oh gosh I’m lost and idk what to for my kids, I had to block him from texting bc he was being mean and disrespectful calling me pathetic saying he was glad he left me, I asked him to stop and he wouldn’t, I’m torn I want him in the kids lives but the devil has such a strong hold on him, I wish he was a better man a Godly man, a real one not one that just wants church on sundays thn treats his pregnant child’s mother terribly
You have enemies? Good. That means you've stood up for something, sometime in your life.
Winston ChurchillYou may not consider them an enemy but the saying is still true even in church. Church beliefs we're debated starting in Acts 15. Truth must be defended.
We all are a work in progress and God has promised, He would complete it.
sorry am not a man but I do find it edifying reading the brothers replies on here.
the ex-boyfriend I would describe as 'worse than an infidel' and sadly there are many of those kind around...I know because the churches are full of single/split and broken families seeking solace.
But the good news is God is your refuge in times of trouble and He will be a Father to your children.
even those of us who have DO have dads around can see they often fall short of what God can provide. So take heart.
the ex-boyfriend I would describe as 'worse than an infidel' and sadly there are many of those kind around...I know because the churches are full of single/split and broken families seeking solace.
But the good news is God is your refuge in times of trouble and He will be a Father to your children.
even those of us who have DO have dads around can see they often fall short of what God can provide. So take heart.
Your boyfriend reminds me of me when I was his age.
And you remind me of Rebecca. She and I lived together a few years after my first divorce. About six months passed after I moved into her house when she got pregnant.
Before that, the relationship was a disaster. She needed a guy with a steady income to help her with her bills. I thought I needed someone to provide a steady supply of sex.
This was a match made in hell. But I wasn't alone. There were--and still are-- millions of these types of toxic relationships all around the world; people living together out of convenience, usually ending up hating each other for using each other.
Now, you're probably wondering what happened to the baby. Unfortunately, Rebecca miscarried. She was devastated, and I was relieved. How's that for despicable?
Yet again, I'm not alone. There are plenty of men out there who don't want children. Unfortunately, a lot of women don't understand that going into their relationships.
They think they are going to change us. So, they wait, and wait, and wait, until something breaks. And usually, it's their heart that shatters.
As for me, I finally grew up and became a father. Unfortunately, my second wife left me for my wealthy best friend who we used to go to church with every Sunday. So, that just proves that we all have the capacity to sin.
So, after all that, here's my advice. Take a deep breath and empty your mind. Your train of thought is more like a train getting ready to wreck!
Get rid of your phone. No more texts. Break it if you have to. Just STOP! Meditate on the name of Jesus for a while.
This relationship with Mr. Wonderful is over. Through. Caput! It's time to start over.
Repent of all your sins. Repeat tomorrow and the next day and the next... You are now married to Christ, you no longer NEED anyone.
Forget about the security in men. You now have security knowing Father God. He is going t take care of you like no man on earth can.
Get through your pregnancy and get on welfare if you have to. Go on food stamps, free lunches, or whatever you have to do to survive. Ask family and friends for help. The suffering you may have to go through for a while is better in the long run than chasing some dude for his crummy paycheck.
Eventually, your life will turn around. But in order for that to happen, you'll have to let go of the one you have now.
I'm on my face in tears, praying for you as we speak.
And you remind me of Rebecca. She and I lived together a few years after my first divorce. About six months passed after I moved into her house when she got pregnant.
Before that, the relationship was a disaster. She needed a guy with a steady income to help her with her bills. I thought I needed someone to provide a steady supply of sex.
This was a match made in hell. But I wasn't alone. There were--and still are-- millions of these types of toxic relationships all around the world; people living together out of convenience, usually ending up hating each other for using each other.
Now, you're probably wondering what happened to the baby. Unfortunately, Rebecca miscarried. She was devastated, and I was relieved. How's that for despicable?
Yet again, I'm not alone. There are plenty of men out there who don't want children. Unfortunately, a lot of women don't understand that going into their relationships.
They think they are going to change us. So, they wait, and wait, and wait, until something breaks. And usually, it's their heart that shatters.
As for me, I finally grew up and became a father. Unfortunately, my second wife left me for my wealthy best friend who we used to go to church with every Sunday. So, that just proves that we all have the capacity to sin.
So, after all that, here's my advice. Take a deep breath and empty your mind. Your train of thought is more like a train getting ready to wreck!
Get rid of your phone. No more texts. Break it if you have to. Just STOP! Meditate on the name of Jesus for a while.
This relationship with Mr. Wonderful is over. Through. Caput! It's time to start over.
Repent of all your sins. Repeat tomorrow and the next day and the next... You are now married to Christ, you no longer NEED anyone.
Forget about the security in men. You now have security knowing Father God. He is going t take care of you like no man on earth can.
Get through your pregnancy and get on welfare if you have to. Go on food stamps, free lunches, or whatever you have to do to survive. Ask family and friends for help. The suffering you may have to go through for a while is better in the long run than chasing some dude for his crummy paycheck.
Eventually, your life will turn around. But in order for that to happen, you'll have to let go of the one you have now.
I'm on my face in tears, praying for you as we speak.
B
Blackpowderduelist
Guest
Well, the good news is that the situation; while it will be inordinately difficult, is not hopeless. God can pull you through this. This guy isn't a man he is a grown child. You are going to have to work hard, and find women in your church to help you out. Get the a judge to award child support. The only way he should come home is to have a steady full time living wage job, at least one elder from the church as a mentor preferable more, attend Christian family counseling with a counselor appointed or approved by the pastor and elders of the church. And he married you provided a prenuptial agreement that holds him accountable to fully support you, the children, and comport himself in Biblical fashion, staying accountable to the elder men appointed by the church.
I agree with that, however, it should not be a problem. The courts are glad to garnish any guy's wages simply because they are men.
How much is that? By what standards are YOU going to measure it? What if it's $0.03 less per hour than what YOU planned? Does he still get to "come home?"
Good luck there. I've been waiting all my life for an elder of the church to take interest in me. Most are too busy arguing theology.
Yeah, if he can afford the $150/hour fee after paying 20% of his pre-taxed income in child support. Don't hold your breath, though.
Oh, great. Just what we need, another prenup to give incentive to another young wife to leave her husband if he doesn't provide the trip to Disneyland every year.
And if he slips up just once, you've got that wonderful prenup.
That shouldn't be hard since most of them are asleep!
B
Blackpowderduelist
Guest
I guess there should be no repercussions for luring a girl into laying with you and then giving them children to take care of while you have no intent of taking the role of husband and father. Yeah yeah, I know she shouldn't fall for it either, as many women do, but the Bible makes it clear that the man is responsible for his household.
This isn't a case of a diligent father and husband being divorced because a bitter self indulged woman. This is a case of a dead beat who refuses to commit to caring for his family.
I think you should go back and re-read the OP before you get all indignant.
He ain't even providing a stable home, and is an absentee even when he is there.
I dont know if I'll be much help but I just recently read a novel written from a MANS persepective on his own youthful romance with a girl, they were lying with each other at every opporutnity until one day she decides she wont take her pill (cos this is the 70s and its somehow assumed that all women are on hormonal drugs to prevent pregancy so they can have free love)
She of course falls pregnant, she constantly tells him she loves him, but he does not say ONE word about loving her. And according to him, SHE is the one who lures him into bed and asks him. Although later he realises it is love.
then it seems she would like to get married but it doesnt happen because of cross cultural differnces so she decides she will sacrifice their child and then get married after so he wont say she married her because she was with child. she goes to consult the potential mother in law. The child is killed and the man does nothing to stop it because he just says she can do what she wants. Then she ends up breaking off the relationship and not ever getting back with him.
ok as I was reading this I thought well hold on why is this guy in his 20s at university not caring about his child and potential fatherhood or being married. Is it cos hes just young and stupid or is it because his parents dont approve of the girl or what.
it turns out the mother didnt approve and give blessing for the marriage. Because they are different cultures (samoan, palagi)
anyway what I got from this novel (its called Sons for the return home by Albert Wendt) is...if parents-in law dont bless the marriage they will curse it and that has repercussions upon your children. Maybe its a cross culture thing or maybe its finances or whatever...but it seems like a man cant marry someone his mother doesnt approve of.
so this is what I want to know. Does your de-facto mother-in-law have anything to do with your children, her grandchildren? if she wants to, wouldnt she be in a position to reason with her son and set him up for the future of her grandchildren?
Just a question to think about. Not saying this is the answer as all mothers are different and want different things for their sons but I very much doubt that many GRANDmothers would be behind abortions and would be willing to give their support.
I could be wrong though, maybe its a common thing for potential grandmothers to go nah I dont care about grandchildren and dont want them hanging around. it has to be a designer baby or nothing as we got enough already....REALLY??
She of course falls pregnant, she constantly tells him she loves him, but he does not say ONE word about loving her. And according to him, SHE is the one who lures him into bed and asks him. Although later he realises it is love.
then it seems she would like to get married but it doesnt happen because of cross cultural differnces so she decides she will sacrifice their child and then get married after so he wont say she married her because she was with child. she goes to consult the potential mother in law. The child is killed and the man does nothing to stop it because he just says she can do what she wants. Then she ends up breaking off the relationship and not ever getting back with him.
ok as I was reading this I thought well hold on why is this guy in his 20s at university not caring about his child and potential fatherhood or being married. Is it cos hes just young and stupid or is it because his parents dont approve of the girl or what.
it turns out the mother didnt approve and give blessing for the marriage. Because they are different cultures (samoan, palagi)
anyway what I got from this novel (its called Sons for the return home by Albert Wendt) is...if parents-in law dont bless the marriage they will curse it and that has repercussions upon your children. Maybe its a cross culture thing or maybe its finances or whatever...but it seems like a man cant marry someone his mother doesnt approve of.
so this is what I want to know. Does your de-facto mother-in-law have anything to do with your children, her grandchildren? if she wants to, wouldnt she be in a position to reason with her son and set him up for the future of her grandchildren?
Just a question to think about. Not saying this is the answer as all mothers are different and want different things for their sons but I very much doubt that many GRANDmothers would be behind abortions and would be willing to give their support.
I could be wrong though, maybe its a common thing for potential grandmothers to go nah I dont care about grandchildren and dont want them hanging around. it has to be a designer baby or nothing as we got enough already....REALLY??
There is a lot going on here. You have to try to view the perspective of what have i done wrong and what can i do to change things. He can b wrong about 10,000 things. Do you understand you are addicted to the drama of this situation. Dont think well mr wonderful is just gonna walk in my life and then im happy. If you ditch him hes still the father of your children some new step dad is not. I dont care what anybody says i had a step dad so did many of my friends thats not your dad.
You have to concentrate on what you can do to make yourself a better and easier person to deal with. All of these things about him can b true how can he b in a house with someone who thinks so lowly of him? My mom divorced my father 30years ago and still complains about him, shes so old i doubt she even actually remembers anything about him. Also christian forgiveness applys to your ex lovers too. Its not just for you and who meets your approval if you believe in it apply it every day and leverage your situation. Good luck.
You have to concentrate on what you can do to make yourself a better and easier person to deal with. All of these things about him can b true how can he b in a house with someone who thinks so lowly of him? My mom divorced my father 30years ago and still complains about him, shes so old i doubt she even actually remembers anything about him. Also christian forgiveness applys to your ex lovers too. Its not just for you and who meets your approval if you believe in it apply it every day and leverage your situation. Good luck.
K
kaylagrl
Guest
No, I don't think that is a fair call to make. I think NH would love nothing more than to settle down and be a mom and have a little nest and family all her own. She just has a partner that is either immature, or simply not the right person.
Why not? That's exactly what she's praying for, and we along with her. That God would send the right man into her life if the one she is with isn't the right one.
Maybe you need to go back and read the OP, she's not ditching him, it's the other way round. And if God sends a new man into her life, he may be a better father than their actual father who at this point is missing in action. All kinds of people have step parents. If her partner wants to step up and be a father and a husband, great. So far he's sat on his behind and watched his pregnant woman go to work. Not a good example for a father now is it.
That is utter nonsense! And that idea leads to a lot of abuse of women, mental and physical. She doesn't need to change, he needs to get up off his round behind and go to work! The Bible says if you don't work, you don't eat, that verse was to the men, not the women! I get that times have changed and women work, but if you sit on your behind and let your pregnant partner go to work, you are no man!
Actually the OP gives him more respect than he deserves and she loves him. If my husband sat and watched me go to work pregnant and refused to get a job, he and I would be having a come to Jesus moment he wouldn't soon forget. NH has gone out of her way to say she has failed also and she doesn't judge him. So either you need to go back and read what she said, or you're projecting whatever has happened in your own life and it has no bearing on the OP at all.
And there it is. You're judging the OP by your own life story which has nothing to do with her but your unfinished business with your mother. I think you need to take your own advice and forgive her. But nothing you have said has any bearing on what NH is going through. In fact it's quite judgmental. I hope you find help for your issues, it seems you're still very upset about it.
K
kaylagrl
Guest
So you don't think the father of a child should be responsible to help raise that child financially? You don't think if you refuse to man up and support that child that your wage shouldn't be garnished?!
Like, has anybody read the OP?! NH is out working while pregnant while he sits at home on his round behind. What do you mean "get to come home"!!! He created that child and it's HIS responsibility before God, more than HERS to provide for that child and any other child he has created!! Don't get it twisted. She is the one taking the responsibility alone on her shoulders while pregnant. Read the OP again.
All kinds of places you can go for free or next to free counseling. I know of a place nearby that takes whatever you can afford. Why do you keep mentioning child support like it's not his responsibility as a man and father?
I think NH would be happy with her partner simply helping put food on the table. What Disneyland? He won't even get off his behind to go to work and help pay for the child HE created. Explain to me why you think it's ok for him to sit at home and watch her go to work? Explain to me using Godly principles how that is right as the childs father.
IS this thing on??? tap tap tap. He's NOT looking after HIS responsibilities as a father!! Why are you acting like this hard working mom is a gold digger!? Give me a break! Come people, stop projecting and either pray for the OP or keep your biased opinions to yourself!!!
men need to wakeup just as women need to make choices when they are with child men also need to make choices when their woman is pregnant. Placing ALL the burden on the female, is not right.
I dont respect any man who thinks pregnancy is a walk in the park for a female to handle on her own.
Aside from not being able to do any paid work for at least a couple of months, theres morning sickness and the childs welfare at stake. Food, clothing and shelter. Basic stuff. Ok a man cant breastfeed, but he can take a bottle and hold a baby right? Unless he doenst have any arms.
a washing machine might come in handy too. Unless the guy thinks you can just use disposables for every single poop a baby makes. Or does he want to do all the washing? By hand?
How about mushing up all the food to feed a baby who doesnt have any teeth? All thse things adding up arent something to be afraid of, Its actually a PRIVELIGE to care for a child that will grow up to look up to you and love you becase youve shown love and care to them. And watch them grow. and play with them and make memories. Boy or girl.
So do men really want to throw this all away? Im wondering.....
I dont respect any man who thinks pregnancy is a walk in the park for a female to handle on her own.
Aside from not being able to do any paid work for at least a couple of months, theres morning sickness and the childs welfare at stake. Food, clothing and shelter. Basic stuff. Ok a man cant breastfeed, but he can take a bottle and hold a baby right? Unless he doenst have any arms.
a washing machine might come in handy too. Unless the guy thinks you can just use disposables for every single poop a baby makes. Or does he want to do all the washing? By hand?
How about mushing up all the food to feed a baby who doesnt have any teeth? All thse things adding up arent something to be afraid of, Its actually a PRIVELIGE to care for a child that will grow up to look up to you and love you becase youve shown love and care to them. And watch them grow. and play with them and make memories. Boy or girl.
So do men really want to throw this all away? Im wondering.....