parents stay together just for kids- what to do as the kid?
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No worries, I know this topic comes with really strong feelings
It´s nice to hear that you understand me, I feel like many Christians can´t even imagine what this is like because they´re parents have such a typical perfect Christian marriage. I don´t know many people who get what we are going through.
It´s nice to hear that you understand me, I feel like many Christians can´t even imagine what this is like because they´re parents have such a typical perfect Christian marriage. I don´t know many people who get what we are going through.
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That´s true! One of my parents would be willing to work on the marriage, but the other is not and has given up, so it can´t be helped unfortunately. Obviously I will pray and believe things could change, but we all got a free will, don´t we? So if one parent is not willing to even see a counsellor, things get a bit more difficult, and the other can´t do anything. That is very hard for the other parent, clearly.
Thank you
I believe hardship does make us wiser. As we often don´t realise that ourselves, at least in the process, it was very nice to hear this from you and @Blackpowderduelist.
I do communicate about the entire situation very much with the parent who is willing to work on things, we try to work out solutions and that parent knows most of my thoughts and fears. The problem is that it makes me even more partial, which I know should not be the case..It´s hard not to be partial anyway though, because I feel very unappreciated and emotionally neglected by the other parent. We used to have a very good relationship but now we don´t at all. That the other parent has shut down to all of us, and will sometimes not talk to us for days straight, so I don´t really see a way of lovingly saying something. I once did, in an argument between my parents where I was not involved but lost my patience when I heard what that parent said. That helped the behaviour just a little, but very much so harmed my relationship to that parent, so I don´t want to open up in that direction. The parent who would work on things can´t help me with my concerns, they have enough problems themselves, and as long as the one is not willing to cooperate the situation can´t change.
My siblings are younger than me, which gives me more responsibility because they don´t know, for example that my parents from the view of one of them only stay together for us. That means I can´t talk to them about it, and I also don´t want to harm their relationship to the parent by my thoughts and fears, so I´m trying to be rational, but I don´t have many people to talk, it just becomes a LOT to carry, especially when I learn things like that. Obviously they notice things are not good at all, and don´t have that much of a good relationship with the one parent, but not knowing the background I believe makes it far easier for them.
I actually believe I discuss too much with the parent I do talk to about this, but we both need someone to talk to about this. As I said earlier, most Christians don´t get it, but then you´d obviously want a Christian perspective so it can get a little tricky.
Thank you
I believe hardship does make us wiser. As we often don´t realise that ourselves, at least in the process, it was very nice to hear this from you and @Blackpowderduelist.I do communicate about the entire situation very much with the parent who is willing to work on things, we try to work out solutions and that parent knows most of my thoughts and fears. The problem is that it makes me even more partial, which I know should not be the case..It´s hard not to be partial anyway though, because I feel very unappreciated and emotionally neglected by the other parent. We used to have a very good relationship but now we don´t at all. That the other parent has shut down to all of us, and will sometimes not talk to us for days straight, so I don´t really see a way of lovingly saying something. I once did, in an argument between my parents where I was not involved but lost my patience when I heard what that parent said. That helped the behaviour just a little, but very much so harmed my relationship to that parent, so I don´t want to open up in that direction. The parent who would work on things can´t help me with my concerns, they have enough problems themselves, and as long as the one is not willing to cooperate the situation can´t change.
My siblings are younger than me, which gives me more responsibility because they don´t know, for example that my parents from the view of one of them only stay together for us. That means I can´t talk to them about it, and I also don´t want to harm their relationship to the parent by my thoughts and fears, so I´m trying to be rational, but I don´t have many people to talk, it just becomes a LOT to carry, especially when I learn things like that. Obviously they notice things are not good at all, and don´t have that much of a good relationship with the one parent, but not knowing the background I believe makes it far easier for them.
I actually believe I discuss too much with the parent I do talk to about this, but we both need someone to talk to about this. As I said earlier, most Christians don´t get it, but then you´d obviously want a Christian perspective so it can get a little tricky.
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It such an important thing to always remain loving. I find it can get really hard, especially when someone continues to push you away for years ( I shouldn´t be able to say this about my parent at 16, it´s so sad.) However you encourage me to start over and over again. I am strong, this situation has made me stronger, and I know it will continue to make me grow. I am aware of God´s presence and strength within me, and I honestly don´t know where I would be without him, generally, but especially in this. So praise Jesus! This is what I want to remember when I move out in a few years- never stop praising God, no matter what!
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L
That´s true! One of my parents would be willing to work on the marriage, but the other is not and has given up, so it can´t be helped unfortunately. Obviously I will pray and believe things could change, but we all got a free will, don´t we? So if one parent is not willing to even see a counsellor, things get a bit more difficult, and the other can´t do anything. That is very hard for the other parent, clearly.
Thank you I believe hardship does make us wiser. As we often don´t realise that ourselves, at least in the process, it was very nice to hear this from you and @Blackpowderduelist.
I do communicate about the entire situation very much with the parent who is willing to work on things, we try to work out solutions and that parent knows most of my thoughts and fears. The problem is that it makes me even more partial, which I know should not be the case..It´s hard not to be partial anyway though, because I feel very unappreciated and emotionally neglected by the other parent. We used to have a very good relationship but now we don´t at all. That the other parent has shut down to all of us, and will sometimes not talk to us for days straight, so I don´t really see a way of lovingly saying something. I once did, in an argument between my parents where I was not involved but lost my patience when I heard what that parent said. That helped the behaviour just a little, but very much so harmed my relationship to that parent, so I don´t want to open up in that direction. The parent who would work on things can´t help me with my concerns, they have enough problems themselves, and as long as the one is not willing to cooperate the situation can´t change.
My siblings are younger than me, which gives me more responsibility because they don´t know, for example that my parents from the view of one of them only stay together for us. That means I can´t talk to them about it, and I also don´t want to harm their relationship to the parent by my thoughts and fears, so I´m trying to be rational, but I don´t have many people to talk, it just becomes a LOT to carry, especially when I learn things like that. Obviously they notice things are not good at all, and don´t have that much of a good relationship with the one parent, but not knowing the background I believe makes it far easier for them.
I actually believe I discuss too much with the parent I do talk to about this, but we both need someone to talk to about this. As I said earlier, most Christians don´t get it, but then you´d obviously want a Christian perspective so it can get a little tricky.
Thank you
I believe hardship does make us wiser. As we often don´t realise that ourselves, at least in the process, it was very nice to hear this from you and @Blackpowderduelist.I do communicate about the entire situation very much with the parent who is willing to work on things, we try to work out solutions and that parent knows most of my thoughts and fears. The problem is that it makes me even more partial, which I know should not be the case..It´s hard not to be partial anyway though, because I feel very unappreciated and emotionally neglected by the other parent. We used to have a very good relationship but now we don´t at all. That the other parent has shut down to all of us, and will sometimes not talk to us for days straight, so I don´t really see a way of lovingly saying something. I once did, in an argument between my parents where I was not involved but lost my patience when I heard what that parent said. That helped the behaviour just a little, but very much so harmed my relationship to that parent, so I don´t want to open up in that direction. The parent who would work on things can´t help me with my concerns, they have enough problems themselves, and as long as the one is not willing to cooperate the situation can´t change.
My siblings are younger than me, which gives me more responsibility because they don´t know, for example that my parents from the view of one of them only stay together for us. That means I can´t talk to them about it, and I also don´t want to harm their relationship to the parent by my thoughts and fears, so I´m trying to be rational, but I don´t have many people to talk, it just becomes a LOT to carry, especially when I learn things like that. Obviously they notice things are not good at all, and don´t have that much of a good relationship with the one parent, but not knowing the background I believe makes it far easier for them.
I actually believe I discuss too much with the parent I do talk to about this, but we both need someone to talk to about this. As I said earlier, most Christians don´t get it, but then you´d obviously want a Christian perspective so it can get a little tricky.
There used to be an expression (maybe there still is...I haven't heard it in a long time) that said "It takes two to tango", and it seems as if that's pretty much what your current situation is like with your parents. In other words, figuratively speaking, one is willing to get out on the dance floor and fight to preserve the marriage/family, but the other is not.
Your whole situation reminds me a lot of the situation with my own three children.
In their cases, until VERY RECENTLY (like the last couple of months), they (mostly my two daughters) terribly sided with their mother, even though she truly was the repeat offender, and they (my two daughters) manifested EXTREME HOSTILITY/HATRED/CONTEMPT towards me. In fact, just a few weeks ago, my 15-year-old daughter LITERALLY told me off for 5 hours straight (I said nothing until she was finished because I wanted to see if there was any validity to the things that she felt and therefore expressed verbally) in relation to how I allegedly was the worst husband and father ever, and how my ex deserved a better husband and they (my children) deserved a better father.
At this point, FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER, I actually defended myself by simply stating some of the actual facts. One of those facts was that my ex had cheated on me repeatedly, and that I had massive amounts of proof to document my claim. Before I tell you what happened next, you need to know that one of the many lies that my ex had been telling our children for years was that I was having an affair with somebody, and nothing could be further from the truth. Anyhow, when I mentioned this (my ex's cheating) to my daughter, she burst into tears, started calling me a liar, and she told me that she never wanted to speak to me again for the rest of her life while demanding that I take her home. We were only about 5 minutes from her mom's place, so I did as she requested and dropped her off and headed back to my own home. Well, only a few minutes later, my daughter called me and said, "You said that you have proof...I want to see it". I returned to pick her up, and I only showed her one of DOZENS of messages that I possess in which my ex was soliciting men online for sex in exchange for money (she's currently in business with a "sugar daddy" whom she met online who gave her 200 THOUSAND DOLLARS to start up their business together...she owns 51% and he owns 49%), and the proverbial lightbulb finally turned on in my daughter's head. In other words, for the first time ever, she recognized her mother's guilt which I had been trying to shelter all of my children from while being falsely accused of the very sins (plural) that she was committing.
Better still, another lightbulb went on, which was even bigger than the first, in that she said to me, "You know, now that I think about it, Mom has been bad-mouthing you every day since we were little children, and you never once have said a bad thing about her to any of us. Because you never defended yourself, we all thought that what she was telling us was true." Since that day, her attitude towards me has not only drastically changed, but the attitudes of her older sister (DRASTICALLY) and younger brother (only slightly...he and I have always been close) towards me have changed as well. In fact, just a few days ago, my son asked me why I've never said anything to him about his mother while telling me that she still bad-mouths me constantly. I tried my best to keep from telling him anything, and he ultimately told me that he feels sorry for me because he realizes that I didn't do anything wrong and that I'm being falsely accused.
Why did I tell you all of that?
To simply suggest (and it's just a suggestion) this:
Sometimes, when trying to shelter others from the truth (like I did with my own children), we actually cause them much damage because they wind up believing a lie (in my case, that I was a terrible husband and father).
How might (I said "might") this apply directly to your own situation?
Well, in sheltering your younger siblings from information regarding one parent (the one that doesn't want counseling, etc.), they might actually wrongfully hold things against the other parent (the one that's trying to save the marriage/family).
Anyhow, I'm definitely NOT trying to add to your current burdens, nor am I trying to create some sort of rift between any of you and either of your parents.
God wants you to honor your father and mother that it may be well with you and that you might live long lives upon this earth, so I'm not suggesting anything contrary to God's desire.
Instead, I'm simply suggesting that as painful as certain truths may be, believing a lie (that both parents are equally guilty), whether knowingly or unknowingly, can ultimately be more painful in the end. In other words, truths, if explained properly, need not cause dishonor. You and your siblings can still honor both of your parents while still recognizing who is actually guilty of what.
Hopefully, you understand what I'm saying.
I truly do feel for you and your siblings, and you are all in my prayers.
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@Live4Him, Thanks again for sharing so much and writing out so much, and for your compassion.
I do believe our situation is a little different, if anything us kids side with the parent who is willing to work out things. That parent does very carefully not say bad things about the other- or did not do so until I picked them up myself, and put two and two together, making sense of everything that is happening. I do struggle with bitterness towards the other parent, not because of things I was told but because of the behaviour I myself observe. Our situation also has nothing to do with any unfaithfulness on either side.
So in general things are very different, there is no bad-mouthing, and instead I see for myself, but regardless, it is important to be loving and gracious, and I do have to honour both of my parents, even if it is much harder for one of them. It is just so painful that that parent would like to leave everything behind- I´m glad my siblings don´t know that. But even though it does not directly apply I´m still really glad you gave your example, because it helped me realise, even if it is one person´s fault, it will still be hard for that person seeing how we because of that have less respect and love.
Also, keep in mind, my parents are not actually separating. One of them would want to (the one who doesn´t want to work on things) Everything is brushed under the rug so to say. There is so much bitterness and sadness and feeling unloved on every side, but in an attempt to honour God and protect us children, they stay together. Conflict between my parents is hardly ever resolved and actually, that one parent is not even willing to have a conversation about the problems. It can´t be brought up, and that parent is in denial of what that parent is doing to us. So it´s not that you could say here is a message, I can prove you are wrong, but rather it is just unloving behaviour everybody can see but that parent won´t accept that they are being that (summarising it, obviously that is very broad and understated, but I guess you get what I mean)
You are really blessing me and helping me to process this.
I do believe our situation is a little different, if anything us kids side with the parent who is willing to work out things. That parent does very carefully not say bad things about the other- or did not do so until I picked them up myself, and put two and two together, making sense of everything that is happening. I do struggle with bitterness towards the other parent, not because of things I was told but because of the behaviour I myself observe. Our situation also has nothing to do with any unfaithfulness on either side.
So in general things are very different, there is no bad-mouthing, and instead I see for myself, but regardless, it is important to be loving and gracious, and I do have to honour both of my parents, even if it is much harder for one of them. It is just so painful that that parent would like to leave everything behind- I´m glad my siblings don´t know that. But even though it does not directly apply I´m still really glad you gave your example, because it helped me realise, even if it is one person´s fault, it will still be hard for that person seeing how we because of that have less respect and love.
Also, keep in mind, my parents are not actually separating. One of them would want to (the one who doesn´t want to work on things) Everything is brushed under the rug so to say. There is so much bitterness and sadness and feeling unloved on every side, but in an attempt to honour God and protect us children, they stay together. Conflict between my parents is hardly ever resolved and actually, that one parent is not even willing to have a conversation about the problems. It can´t be brought up, and that parent is in denial of what that parent is doing to us. So it´s not that you could say here is a message, I can prove you are wrong, but rather it is just unloving behaviour everybody can see but that parent won´t accept that they are being that (summarising it, obviously that is very broad and understated, but I guess you get what I mean)
You are really blessing me and helping me to process this.
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I wouldn't assume most people have perfect marriages. Even in really good Christian marriages, things can get tough at times. Parents usually try their best to shield their kids from things too, so you will never know everything your parents have gone through. I think I have a good marriage overall with my husband but there are definitely ups and downs and times when I'm tested as a surrendered wife. It's really my faith in Christ and knowing that I am surrendered to Him first and foremost that has helped me though certain situations. All that to say, don't assume everyone else is perfect behind closed doors. None of us are perfect and we are all sinners, but as saved Christians we know that Jesus died for our sins and that the more we can focus on forgiving others, the better off we'll be.
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Oh definitely- there is a saying here in Germany saying that there are fights in every home. By what I said I didn´t mean that conflict and disagreements and up and downs are not normal, because they obviously are. What I meant is there are not so many people who get the extent of arguing and disagreement, even hatred, my family goes through. That "perfect" was an exaggeration I shouldn´t have made, sorry. It comes out of bitterness from not being understood oftentimes. I hope you get what I mean- I meant good and functioning but said perfect. Whatever. I gues it´s still good that you pointed out to me that even those good marriages are not easy, so thanks for that!
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L
Well, I'm actually glad to hear of the differences, so thanks for pointing them out.
It seems to me that your pain is primarily related to the parent who "would like to leave everything behind", and I can definitely see how that could stir up feelings of bitterness because that could easily make you to think that you're of little or no worth in their eyes.
I'd like for you to consider a simple, yet powerful, truth that I've not only shared with many other people before, but that I also had to fully embrace for my own self a long time ago.
People can't give you what they don't possess themselves.
For example, one of my nieces (my oldest sister's daughter) confided with me a few years back her own hostility towards her mother in direct relation to feeling unimportant, unwanted, unloved, etc., etc. She was not only greatly saddened by what she perceived, but also bitter as a result of it.
As I was listening to her, seeing how her mother is also my sister whom I've known since long before my niece was ever born, including from the time that her mother was but a child herself, I was not only seeing things from my niece's perspective, but from a much broader perspective as well. In other words, the things that my niece was rightly desiring from her mother couldn't be given to her by her mother (my sister) because her mother, at least in her own mind, was deprived of all of those very same things as she was growing up herself. With such being the case, as I suggested in a previous reply in relation to my parents, it was "deja vu" or history repeating itself.
Try to think of it this way.
Let's say that you were down and out, and you desperately needed $1000 to help you out of your situation.
Now, let's say that you asked me for the $1000.
If I had it, and didn't give it to you, then that's one thing.
If I didn't have it, and would have gladly given it to you if I did have it, then that's another thing altogether.
Do you see the difference?
I obviously don't know either of your parents or which parent is presently causing the pain, but is it possible that that parent cannot give you what you rightly desire and deserve because, at least in their own mind, they never got it as a child themselves?
If that's the case, then that places them in category #2 (would have gladly given it to you if they had it) as opposed to category #1 (had it, but didn't want to give it to you).
It's kind of like someone is drowning a pool while ignoring somebody else that is drowning beside them.
They ignore the cries of the other because they're trying not to drown themselves.
Again, seeing how I don't personally know anything about either of your parents, I'm throwing out some general possibilities, and you would obviously know much better than I would if there's any truth to them in regard to your present situation.
I'm definitely NOT trying to make excuses for anybody because if they are in category #1 (have it, but won't give it), then they're in sin, and they need to repent.
However, if they're in category #2 (they don't have it themselves to give), then whatever bitterness there presently is towards them can be turned into compassion by the grace of God.
Again, I know that our situations have many differences, but with my own parents, especially with my father, it was more a case of he didn't have himself what I and my siblings wanted from him as we were growing up.
Anyhow, I definitely DON'T have all the answers, but I'm trying to help you to possibly consider and investigate areas that you might not have considered or investigated before.
It seems to me that your pain is primarily related to the parent who "would like to leave everything behind", and I can definitely see how that could stir up feelings of bitterness because that could easily make you to think that you're of little or no worth in their eyes.
I'd like for you to consider a simple, yet powerful, truth that I've not only shared with many other people before, but that I also had to fully embrace for my own self a long time ago.
People can't give you what they don't possess themselves.
For example, one of my nieces (my oldest sister's daughter) confided with me a few years back her own hostility towards her mother in direct relation to feeling unimportant, unwanted, unloved, etc., etc. She was not only greatly saddened by what she perceived, but also bitter as a result of it.
As I was listening to her, seeing how her mother is also my sister whom I've known since long before my niece was ever born, including from the time that her mother was but a child herself, I was not only seeing things from my niece's perspective, but from a much broader perspective as well. In other words, the things that my niece was rightly desiring from her mother couldn't be given to her by her mother (my sister) because her mother, at least in her own mind, was deprived of all of those very same things as she was growing up herself. With such being the case, as I suggested in a previous reply in relation to my parents, it was "deja vu" or history repeating itself.
Try to think of it this way.
Let's say that you were down and out, and you desperately needed $1000 to help you out of your situation.
Now, let's say that you asked me for the $1000.
If I had it, and didn't give it to you, then that's one thing.
If I didn't have it, and would have gladly given it to you if I did have it, then that's another thing altogether.
Do you see the difference?
I obviously don't know either of your parents or which parent is presently causing the pain, but is it possible that that parent cannot give you what you rightly desire and deserve because, at least in their own mind, they never got it as a child themselves?
If that's the case, then that places them in category #2 (would have gladly given it to you if they had it) as opposed to category #1 (had it, but didn't want to give it to you).
It's kind of like someone is drowning a pool while ignoring somebody else that is drowning beside them.
They ignore the cries of the other because they're trying not to drown themselves.
Again, seeing how I don't personally know anything about either of your parents, I'm throwing out some general possibilities, and you would obviously know much better than I would if there's any truth to them in regard to your present situation.
I'm definitely NOT trying to make excuses for anybody because if they are in category #1 (have it, but won't give it), then they're in sin, and they need to repent.
However, if they're in category #2 (they don't have it themselves to give), then whatever bitterness there presently is towards them can be turned into compassion by the grace of God.
Again, I know that our situations have many differences, but with my own parents, especially with my father, it was more a case of he didn't have himself what I and my siblings wanted from him as we were growing up.
Anyhow, I definitely DON'T have all the answers, but I'm trying to help you to possibly consider and investigate areas that you might not have considered or investigated before.
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"You will survive, and with your character intact."
View attachment 226233
View attachment 226233
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Amen
It is called encouragement and inspiration.
There is a beautiful statement " enjoy the ride"
If you can figure out how to do that, you are no longer living a life....but life becomes an adventure.
That's what happens with the Holy Spirit.
Jesus said " if you love this life you will loose it, but if you lose your life for my sake you will gain eternal life"
What a glorious thing to belong to Jesus. Dear God...what a glorious thing.
The depth of God...his endless depth.
Just get lost in that depth and never look back.
An endless Holy Spirit adventure.
There is so much pain in this life. But being " in Christ"... I mean literally "in Christ" ...immersion into Christ... Is to be forever insulated from the pain.
Wow.
It is called encouragement and inspiration.
There is a beautiful statement " enjoy the ride"
If you can figure out how to do that, you are no longer living a life....but life becomes an adventure.
That's what happens with the Holy Spirit.
Jesus said " if you love this life you will loose it, but if you lose your life for my sake you will gain eternal life"
What a glorious thing to belong to Jesus. Dear God...what a glorious thing.
The depth of God...his endless depth.
Just get lost in that depth and never look back.
An endless Holy Spirit adventure.
There is so much pain in this life. But being " in Christ"... I mean literally "in Christ" ...immersion into Christ... Is to be forever insulated from the pain.
Wow.
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It would appear from your post that you are no longer a kid. So perhaps it's time to sit down with your parents (as an adult) and ask them whether or not they are truly saved. Those who know the Lord will make every effort to have a loving relationship with each other and with their children. With Christ as the Head of the home.
Hi DorotheaSofia,
You are definitely carrying a lot of things that shouldn't be yours to carry, and I'm truly sorry for that. The book of James says that trials can make us better and stronger, but I know that they hurt and it can be very confusing to know how to handle them.
I don't think I can give you specific advice about how to handle anything, because there are so many tiny nuances of your situation that I can't possibly understand from way over here. But I do have a great amount of faith in asking God to help you handle everything in the best way possible. He knows what you're going through, and He can use any situation for good. Isn't that amazing? He can even use someone else's mistakes for our good!
So my advice is very general, but as I said, I believe in it myself and use it often: ask God to fill you with the Holy Spirit and guide you along the best path through all of this mess. It will still be difficult, and again, I'm sorry that you've been given this burden to deal with.
But I love what you said about continuing to praise Him, because He is so worthy! Jesus is without question the best friend any of us could ever have. One of my favorite psalms says it beautifully when it says: "but nevertheless, You are always with me. You hold me by my right hand."
You are definitely carrying a lot of things that shouldn't be yours to carry, and I'm truly sorry for that. The book of James says that trials can make us better and stronger, but I know that they hurt and it can be very confusing to know how to handle them.
I don't think I can give you specific advice about how to handle anything, because there are so many tiny nuances of your situation that I can't possibly understand from way over here. But I do have a great amount of faith in asking God to help you handle everything in the best way possible. He knows what you're going through, and He can use any situation for good. Isn't that amazing? He can even use someone else's mistakes for our good!
So my advice is very general, but as I said, I believe in it myself and use it often: ask God to fill you with the Holy Spirit and guide you along the best path through all of this mess. It will still be difficult, and again, I'm sorry that you've been given this burden to deal with.
But I love what you said about continuing to praise Him, because He is so worthy! Jesus is without question the best friend any of us could ever have. One of my favorite psalms says it beautifully when it says: "but nevertheless, You are always with me. You hold me by my right hand."
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Also, what I forgot to say- I´m so sorry for the hurt you went through! I´ll pray for you. I can´t PM you by the way, I dont have that upgraded version
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Thank you, I suppose it would definitely be a good idea to consider that. It does not take away much pain, but can help look at people more lovingly if you know they can´t help it because they themselves are emotionally not stable and broken inside. I don´t know about my parent but it might be the case that they really are unable to be different. I do not know that, and ultimtaley God only knows.. He is the judge. I will try that approach though because it will probably be helpful with having grace.
So it´s really good that you brought that possibility up, I am glad that you are helping me consider different possibilities
So it´s really good that you brought that possibility up, I am glad that you are helping me consider different possibilities