Just my tale.

[Lenoralana]

So... I'll be straight-up and admit that one huge reason why I had an interest in this forum, and wanted to sign up, was because I noticed the Singles category. I'm not entirely sure what drew me to it. Maybe... at the very least, I was simply looking for a place to chatter about my experiences (which aren't much, really) and maybe... get some support and prayers.

Maybe at most... I was hoping to find a bit more here God willing, maybe. I'm just not sure what that means yet.

So basically, I'm in my almost-mid-thirties. I've never been married, I've... technically dated once or twice, but not really. I've only kissed someone on the lips once.

To some extent, I was raised in a somewhat stereotypical over-sheltered homeschool upbringing. Didn't really start to meet people unmonitored until I was 19-20 or so. And... I was lead to believe that once I turned 18, God was going to give me a man He'd hand-picked me for me on a silver platter and my adult life would truly begin. It never happened.

I suppose one reason I've been thinking about this now, and wanted to share at least parts of my lifestory, is just cuz... in recent weeks, I received a lecture from a friend who's known me for a long time, who pointed out that for over a decade, she's seen me go through a cycle where I'd fall in love with any guy who'd give me enough attention, then project my disappointment onto them when they didn't give me the kind of advice I wanted or turned out not to fit the perfect image I had in mind.

And... what's really profound for me at least is that I finally worked up the courage to talk to my dad about how much of a disappointment this has been. It was the first time we'd ever talked about it directly. Because, as I said to him, I had been told when I was 17 (by him) that that was the age I needed to think about how many kids I wanted because God was gonna make something happen very soon. And he seemed completely convinced, back at the time, that God was going to bring a man He'd handpicked special for me into my life at Age 18 and I was gonna be a housewife and Mom, and that dad himself was gonna get to oversee it all.

I suppose a lot of this is moot now, because... Dad and I talked about it. He admitted he had some hopes, dreams, fantasies, but... nothing really concrete, and my parents do know that they made a lot of mistakes and planned some things very poorly. My dad also said that nobody really gets privilaged to a burning bush.

Honestly... right now, I am in a state where I am still kinda trying to get over an infatuation that was/is extremely obsessive. The guy was never interested anyway, anything he felt for me was nothing more than brother-like, and... I fell hard for him for all the wrong reasons. I am just starting to try and move past that a bit, but... it's hard.

I'm... not even sure if I am the type who should get married. I'm not interested in having kids (No, I am not gonna change my mind on this) and... I feel like the biggest things I would want from a partner is someone who could support me financially and be someone to talk to... my best friend, someone I can talk to God about, maybe someone who can take me places once in a while.... and possibly be willing to integrate peacefully into my family structure and help me take care of my handicapped brother. I'm... not sure if those are self-centered or unrealistic desires or not.

Plus.... it is highly suspected I have Aspergers, possibly Dyslexia, although I have never been formally diagnosed. I have definitely had depression and anxiety issues. And... I am also a major loner in some ways. I love my personal space. But... I still crave human contact sometimes, in some ways.

I'm... not sure if anybody has any relateable stories or any insights they want to offer/share. Please feel free to let me know if you do... or if you want me to clarify/expand anything about what I've typed here. ^^;

 

[Lynx]

You are learning some hard lessons, but the truths you are finding are precious. Disillusionment is hard to take.

So basically, I'm in my almost-mid-thirties. I've never been married, I've... technically dated once or twice, but not really. I've only kissed someone on the lips once.

Welcome to the club. I'm 42 myself and still single, never even been on a date. Mostly I think I'm single because I'm apathetic about the whole thing. I don't see any need to run out and find a spouse just for the sake of ticking off a box on my list of life's big accomplishments.

Now if I find a nice lady, we hit it off and find out we really, really like each other... I may change my mind.

To some extent, I was raised in a somewhat stereotypical over-sheltered homeschool upbringing. Didn't really start to meet people unmonitored until I was 19-20 or so. And... I was lead to believe that once I turned 18, God was going to give me a man He'd hand-picked me for me on a silver platter and my adult life would truly begin. It never happened.

"You will find a spouse and be happily married" is a myth unless God told you through an incontrovertible source, like... say... an angel personally coming to you or something. Unfortunately it's one a lot of people want to believe, so it's a really popular one. Popular for people to believe and popular for people to tell young people to "inspire" or "comfort" them.

I suppose one reason I've been thinking about this now, and wanted to share at least parts of my lifestory, is just cuz... in recent weeks, I received a lecture from a friend who's known me for a long time, who pointed out that for over a decade, she's seen me go through a cycle where I'd fall in love with any guy who'd give me enough attention, then project my disappointment onto them when they didn't give me the kind of advice I wanted or turned out not to fit the perfect image I had in mind.

"Don't you want somebody to love?
Don't you need somebody to love?
Wouldn't you love somebody to love?
You'd better find somebody to love"

Old song lyric, and not one I really agree with, but it does raise a question: Are you looking for somebody to love, or are you looking for somebody to love you? The myth about "God will send somebody special for you" strongly encourages the latter, but the former is the only one I have ever seen make it through the long haul.

Anyway... that's enough philosophy for one post.

 

[Lynx]

You should know you're in good company here. All of what you said has been echoed many, many times in this forum, in many, many threads.

The only answer we have ever really been able to give in all these threads is, "Live life while you got it, whether you're single or married. If you put life on hold, or try to make it into something it's not, you're going to waste a really big chunk of it and have nothing to show."

Besides, the more life you make for yourself now, the more of a life you will have to share with a guy if/when you find him.

 

[Lynx]

Oh yeah... also, welcome to the forum, and all that social stuff. =^.^=

 

[Lenoralana]

Thank you for the kind welcome and for the insightful words. ^^ I will need some time to process much of what you said, but... if nothing else, I can say for now that it really is a relief to know that I'm not alone.

To some extent... I will also admit that I think... well I dunno, I think that i have been somewhat disillusioned, but also... me joining this forum is sort of a big step for me, because I haven't tried to get outta my shell for a long while or try joining a new online community. I've just... struggled with a lot of disappointments.

Plus in some ways, it has come to my attention that, for the most part, whenever I have tried to meet people... it often seems like I'm looking for the wrong things or expecting the wrong thing. This person is a godly pastor, so he must be on-par with an angel and worthy of idolizing! This person is similar to my dad, they must have the same values! In other words, I have a strong tendency to... not really see people for what they are, and I imprint them with a mental image easily... and I am really daydreamy. One friend told me I am the type who has my head in the clouds.

I will say though... so far, I am impressed with this forum because from what little I've seen, the people here actually seem to act and talk like... real, organic human beings. What I mean by that is... well, I have tried Christian forums in the past, and some of them were just.... not very good. ^^; I mean no disrespect to people on other forums, and it was many years ago anyway, but....

Example 1: At one forum I once tried to frequent, dedicated to the Rapture... everybody had a depressing doomsday attitude where they were constantly posting links about anything terrible happening in the world and talking like it was proof that the Apocolyse was gonna happen tomorrow...

Example 2: I went to one small Christian forum to seek help, friends and counsel, and... I dunno, they just weren't very down-to-earth. One woman became convinced I was gonna be her new best friend because I just happened to have her favorite Bible verse in my forum sig and seemed to feel that was God telling her I was gonna be a great email penpal for her. Our... interaction fizzled fast.

But anyway....

I dunno. Right now, I am trying to finish getting over my unhealthy infatuation. (BTW.... does anyone have any thoughts or insights when you develop a strong, one-sided crush/infatuation on an atheist...?)

I'm... also trying to figure out where I'm at in my life right now. I have nothing in common with most of my friends anymore, I live far away from most of my relatives, and... I'm cranky, I feel old in my youngish age, I like being a reclusive cave bear.... but....

I also feel like there are some things I want... but I'm not sure if what I want is just an icky obsession based on something I can't have and I want it BECAUSE I can't have it, or if maybe there could be something to it in my future.

I mean.... how do you tell, if something you want might be God's way of telling you you might have it in the future, or if it's just a starry-eyed daydream?

 

[Lynx]

Oh we also have here all those kinds of people you listed in your examples. We got them and a whole lot more. We got some people like what you said you are too.

But we also have real people who listen to you and think about what you said, instead of just automatically spouting their rote lines they have used for years.

(Protip about your habit of assuming things about people: You already have an edge over most with that habit. You realize you are doing it. Some people never realize what the root problem is, and go through their whole doggone lives being really disappointed in people they assumed were something they were not.)

 

[Lynx]

I mean.... how do you tell, if something you want might be God's way of telling you you might have it in the future, or if it's just a starry-eyed daydream?

That part's the easy part. Just keep living. If it comes true, it'll come true. If it's just daydreaming it won't come true.

 

[Lenoralana]

So... what would your advice be, if I admitted that I've been heavily obsessed with a small country in Europe just because of one guy I don't even speak to anymore? ^^;

I mean... overall, I'm not even interested in learning much about the history of the country, I don't want to learn the language, I just... there's something about the country that reminds me heavily of where I grew up as a kid, and... I started being obsessed with it back in 2015. And I have prayed that maybe somehow or other, God will let me go there... maybe even meet my crush/former crush face-to-face just cuz I idolized him for so long and it would be the thrill of my life even if nothing beyond "Howdy and goodbye" happens.

Just... maybe you can give me your opinion, but.... it's just...

What does it mean, exactly, if I pray and pray to God to PLEASE either let me go to that country or get over the obsession... and every single time I think I'm about to reach a place where I can forget about it and ignore it, something always slaps me in the face to rekindle my interest and passion over the idea of going there? I mean, it has happened literally every single time.

Could it mean something divine? Is it just a coincidence? Or is it the devil trying to mess with me and keep making me stumble?

 

[Lynx]

No idea. I ain't no prophet.

My first step would be seeing if I can make the first step. Is God making a way for you to go there? Or does life keep conspiring to prevent it? That might be a clue about what you should be doing about it.

I'm not going to ask which country it is - if you wanted to tell it you would not have said a certain country - but if it's Switzerland could you bring me back some chocolate? Man, that dark, smoky, swiss chocolate...

Ahem... yeah, so, heavily obsessing over a small chocolate... I mean a small country, yeah... never mind.

 

[Lynx]

By the way, I'll be the first to admit there are people here with more experience (and more intelligence, but don't tell THEM I said that ) in this forum. You should probably wait for them to chime in. I just happened to see this thread before they did.

 

[Lenoralana]

Okay I'll just flat-out admit it... it's Norway. >.> I just didn't want to admit it at first because I also use this username in a couple of other places (though I don't think most other people I've known would necessarily know me by this username....) And I'm a bit embarrassed because my unhealthy obsession with Norway kiiiinda lead to some... other unhealthy behaviors. And some of my OCD tendencies have lead to some unhealthy behaviors too... although I have been doing my best to curb them.

Either way, here's the gist of what happened:

Back in 2015, I was a complete mess. My parents were at each other's throats, (we had lost our primary source of income in 2011 and the first move happened because we were facing eviction...) I had been through several insane moves where I had to leave behind more and more of my previous belongings with each move, until finally we settled in Iowa where we could begin to get our act together.

The only place where I could talk to my friends was online, and... most of them were gone/distant/unavailable because they had changed during the many months I had been gone or moving around to whatever place would take my family unit. I latched hard onto my Norwegian friend, who I had met online back in 2011 through association with another friend, just because... unlike everybody else in my old social circle, he seemed to be all that was left, even if we were pretty close anyway.

He was like... the last holdout. The only one who hadn't gotten a life off the computer or outside his bedroom yet.

He bought me a couple of games, and we did a Skype thing one weekend in May 2015 where I heard his voice for the first time. Stupid and silly, I know, but... it was enough for me to get greatly attached. My silly brain concocted a fantasy where I'd get to go to Norway and somehow share a house with him, especially since both of us were in a miserable situation where we were living with our parents and hated it.

But... he got busy, because life took him in a different direction and we never interacted the same way again. But I held onto my fantasy, because... I had nothing else.

Then... when he eventually announced that he'd successfully gotten a job, and I also became aware that he'd gotten his own place, it shattered me with such a huge meltdown that it took me three weeks to recover enough to function, and I didn't start to get better until I spent some time at a couple of different forums dedicated to helping those with emotional and mental problems.

Just... I know I was dumb and those were stupid expectations not based in reality, just... please don't be mean, okay?

And just for the record... things are a lot better in my household now. Everything is peaceful, my parents have worked through their issues (no doubt with a LOT of help from God) and they don't even argue anymore, at least... not often. Just...

Well, I guess I can at least answer your question, Lynx. ^^; The truth is... there is no logical reason for me to go there. I have sometimes tried to look into some things that are associated with Norway, including a town that is about two hours from me that is dedicated to Norway and it is occupied by those of Norwegian descent... but, three times, I have tried to arrange for a trip to go there... and three times, it has never worked out. Though part of that might be because.... overall, I have never exactly been interested in going there.

 

[cinder]

Plus in some ways, it has come to my attention that, for the most part, whenever I have tried to meet people... it often seems like I'm looking for the wrong things or expecting the wrong thing. This person is a godly pastor, so he must be on-par with an angel and worthy of idolizing! This person is similar to my dad, they must have the same values! In other words, I have a strong tendency to... not really see people for what they are, and I imprint them with a mental image easily... and I am really daydreamy. One friend told me I am the type who has my head in the clouds.

That sounds more like you're trying to extrapolate the whole person from far too little information. And about the only cure for that is to tell yourself to slow down and separate the facts and what has happened in reality from the impressions and wishes the may be accurate, but may also not be accurate.

I will say though... so far, I am impressed with this forum because from what little I've seen, the people here actually seem to act and talk like... real, organic human beings. What I mean by that is... well, I have tried Christian forums in the past, and some of them were just.... not very good. ^^; I mean no disrespect to people on other forums, and it was many years ago anyway, but....

Yep we're surprisingly normal in this forum. We talk about food a lot and relationships some and other random silly stuff to put smiles on faces.

I dunno. Right now, I am trying to finish getting over my unhealthy infatuation. (BTW.... does anyone have any thoughts or insights when you develop a strong, one-sided crush/infatuation on an atheist...?)

My insights would be, be glad it's one sided (makes it so much easier to get over and move on) and I've kinda been through a few seasons where there was so little attention than any guy's attention was powerful and meant far more than it should. Even if he was just saying hi and trying to be nice and sociable. You just have to take a deep breath, remind yourself of all the reasons why pursuing this person is a foolish course of actions and can't give you what you want (assuming that this is a person that would be a mistake to pursue). One other handy rule of thumb I've picked up from something someone else once posted around here was what I've come to think of as the two hour rule. Which basically boils down to, if I'm not pursuing a closer than friendship relationship with this guy, we shouldn't be spending more than two hours per week in one on one interaction (of any kind, including texting, e-mails, online chatting, etc.). It's a rough rule of thumb, but helps quantify the idea of how much time and emotional investment you're putting into someone.

I'm... also trying to figure out where I'm at in my life right now. I have nothing in common with most of my friends anymore, I live far away from most of my relatives, and... I'm cranky, I feel old in my youngish age, I like being a reclusive cave bear.... but....

I also feel like there are some things I want... but I'm not sure if what I want is just an icky obsession based on something I can't have and I want it BECAUSE I can't have it, or if maybe there could be something to it in my future.

I mean.... how do you tell, if something you want might be God's way of telling you you might have it in the future, or if it's just a starry-eyed daydream?

Someone once said something about goals without plans are just daydreams. What can you do today (or this week) to work towards your dreams? How big of a part will your efforts play in them and how dependent are they on luck / God's favor? Most common life things (jobs, spouses, etc) God doesn't just magically hand out like a genie granting wishes, but doing what's right and wise (and it even says in James if you lack wisdom you should ask God) can usually help you succeed in those areas. Unless it's prohibited in Scripture or God has very directly told you you aren't getting it. Then work toward a healthy balance of pursuing what is good, while being able to bear it if it doesn't happen. God's got a good track record of working even people's screw ups into a great and good plan.

 

[Lenoralana]

I gotta say... I hadn't quite thought too deeply into the concept that.... well, it might be good in a way that it was one-sided, cuz... I have heard that things can be messier if you've had sex with the person or even if it had been two-sided in other ways.

It's just... well, I have always been of the belief that in many cases, if you just wait and pray, and do your daily routine as normal... eventually, things will happen.

I grew up in a pretty miserable place in NY... eventually, I prayed that we could get out of there, and boom, things happened where we got evicted, even if was rather rough. What's more, my mother wanted to return to VT eventually, and I always got the gut sense that we would go there eventually, and we did. We lived there for years, and I also got the gut sense while there that we wouldn't be living there forever. Eventually... we did move from VT, even if it wasn't under the best circumstances.

And now we live in the midwest, even if it was a rather rough way we got here... and it turns out my dad had always wanted to go west.

Now... I still get the feeling in my gut that I'm not gonna be living here forever. And... I just refuse to believe that I've wasted all my time since 2015 being obsessed with Norway over nothing... even if it's clear I'm not gonna get the guy, couldn't there still be another reason I am fixated on the place?

I believed in my heart that I would oneday end up in VT, and I did. With no action on my part, just belief and prayer. Those circumstances were completely beyond my control. I knew in my heart I'd leave VT eventually... again, it happened, through circumstances beyond my control.

My dad wanted to go midwest. We did.... through the most insane circumstances possible and completely out of their control and through a means we never would have anticipated.

All of my friends and family keep telling me that I'm insane for thinking that I'm gonna go to Norway someday. I know for a fact that it has no basis in reality. There's no way for me to get there, as of right now I have no passport, I don't even have enough money to travel to the next STATE let alone across the ocean... it's insane.

But... look at the patterns of my life so far. Every single place so far has been part of the journey.

And... every single time I think I can maybe be done fixating on Norway, something draws me back in.

Maybe.... I should just let my life flow and see if God somehow just takes me there eventually on His own instead of trying to foresee anything or rush it. But....

Maybe... maybe if you guys could just pray for me in this area and pray for my future, that would be helpful. ^^;

 

[christian74]

I rarely read through long posts these days (short attention span?) and this one somehow caught my attention, ended up reading it all.. and feel like I do have some thoughts I would like to share but don't know where to begin - so here is my take if I may:

1. Welcome to the forum - make yourself at home (if you ask me, this is good place to share your thought and participate. However, you will also find yourself bumping into those who may not necessarily be supportive of your thoughts (and outright sounds unchristian if you ask me) and just don't take it personally. Just reading this post was a reminder that we live in a big world with people from divers background - we don't know why some act certain way and perhaps because of their hurtful past and upbringing. In short, enjoy your stay but do guard your heart here - AND.. don't fall in love EASILY while staying here - observe what they are like through their postings and I've seen plenty who seemed nice at first but turned out to be not-so-nice at the end and get banned)

2. The word 'idolizing' caught my attention (there are things that do grab my attention automatically, like not capitalizing G in 'God' or L in 'Lord" etc) - not sure if you were simply describing your infatuation but I do believe we Christians shouldn't idolize anything, any person (or perhaps it's just wrong choice of word to describe your infatuation?). Now, this is something I thought about before - what if I fall in love hard and just can't stop thinking about her? Would that be considered as putting someone ahead of God in my life, therefore "idolizing"? Perhaps this could be a good new thread idea.

3. What I really wanted to share, personally, was this: I know how you feel when you are pray about something, asking God to either make it happen or make it go away and things seem to go as if it is going away but then you get triggered by something (or something happens) making you think if God is telling/leading you the other way. What keeps me going (and keeps my sanity) is understanding that my Heavenly Dad is not only the Almighty God, knowing everything there's to know about me and everthing else, but also He loves me TOO MUCH to have me left hanging for wrong reasons. Whatever happens, I mean WHATEVER HAPPENS, whether things get triggered multiple times or not, He will lead me to the path He has for me and I have absolute trust in that, period (therefore, I won't dwell in it in an unhealthy manner).

4. Last but not least, this quote, "But... he got busy, because life took him in a different direction... But I held onto my fantasy, because... I had nothing else." hit me the most I think. I believe, from what I've read so far, it sounds like you just needed something to hold onto, may it be infautation or fantasy, because you had nothing else. I do not know what kind of life you've lived so far (sounds pretty rough if you ask me, having to move multple times, even praying to be moved out of where you are, evictions, parents fighting etc) and just feel bad that it was bad to the point where you had nothing to hold onto. Now, not trying to sound cliche here but just want to remind you, which you already know but sometimes we just need to be reminded of something time to time, that we do have someone to hold on to, Jesus Christ. Lastly, I think knowing and being aware that some behaviors are unhealthy in your life is a good sign and hope they become healthy, again, eventually. God bless.

 

[Lynx]

Ah good. The people I said to expect have arrived.

 

[Lenoralana]

I will also admit here... I was going through a bit of a phase at the time where I deeply resented God. It seemed like all of my Christian friends who I used to count on heavily for support had pretty much left me, or become too busy to support or talk to me anymore, or some of them had even hurt me very deeply and made me question my faith.

There are some areas where I think fellow Christians can hurt you the most. If their faith begins to stumble for any reason, they make you question whether or not God is really worth following. Then there are those who leave the faith altogether, and if it was so easy for them to stop believing in God, it can make you question how that could happen or whether God is even real anymore.

The Norwegian guy I became infatuated with was an atheist, and I suppose one of the reasons why I fell so hard (apart from the fact I just needed something to hold onto, as pointed out in this thread) is because... he represented many things that were powerful to my heart at the time. He was the exact opposite of everything I had been taught to believe and hold dear. He was nice to me. Maybe... in a strange way, I felt like he was a liberator because he introduced new ideas to me, and it was exciting.... and I thought the ways I had been taught were all wrong.

Plus... as I said, I had been heavily disappointed and hurt by some Christians I'd really counted on. I mean... all it took for one former friend to wander away from his faith was to start working at a job where he became very chummy with co-workers who believed that the universe was a natural, flowing thing or some such and there was no God... plus he got into habits like tobacco and other things he hadn't delved into before. Again, how is it that someone can wander away from faith and stop believing in God so easily...?

Then there was another friend who hurt me very deeply, because I raised questions about whether or not abortion is okay and she basically bit my head off and said something like, "You know, God's love is not a warm and fuzzy thing. You should ask God Himself before having such a self-righteous opinion." She said that and other things, which to do this day still makes me question God's love, because if someone who proclaims to be a follower of God could basically tell me I'm self-righteous and that God's love is only reserved for people of a certain mindset or opinion, what good is God, then? Especially if some of those I used to count on to help support me in my faith could turn into such ill-tempered and foul-preaching babies.

Maybe in some ways, I am being a bit hard on Christians I've known, because... they're human too. Plus... they can make their own choices and they don't have to stay in a certain faith or mindset if they really don't want to. God gave us all free will, right?

I guess in some ways.... maybe it has simply come to my attention in recent years how much of a child-like perception I seem to have on God, His ways, and how things supposedly work or don't work.

My mother once said during one of our discussions that she'd always believed, when she was younger, that when you became a Christian something magical was supposed to happen where the other person would have the capacity to think harder about what they do before actually doing it. She has also always had... issues with certain things that happened in the Bible, almost to the point where I don't think she will ever be able to fully accept the fact that even some things in the Bible happened in the first place.

One of her hugest beefs seems to be, if God truly didn't want Adam and Eve to touch the forbidden fruit, then WHY put it in the garden in the first place? To her, it's extremely cruel to do that kind of thing to a person. And she admitted that that might be an area where she and God might always have a problem.

Another huge beef she has is with David and Bathsheba, because... why did God allow it? And why was such a man allowed to be in charge of an entire kingdom if he was gonna act like such a fruitcake? (Her words, kinda, not mine.)

In some ways.... as I've indicated in the examples I mentioned above in this post, maybe I do have my mother's way of expecting a bit much of Christians, cuz... I dunno, perhaps in a way, I idolize believers (or sometimes even non-believers) because my faith still isn't that strong and... I dunno. I'm still trying to figure some things out.

There are some areas where I have almost liked non-believers better for a period of time, including my crush on the guy who is an atheist, because... I had been hurt and disappointed by Christians and I felt abandoned by God. Only thing is... I have to say that being around adamant non-believers didn't really do much to help me in the long run either, and if anything, I think it just made me more depressed. Not because they were horrid people exactly, just... I dunno.

I hope this doesn't sound too arrogant or vengeful-oriented of me, but... there are some areas where I wish God would either reign in some of His followers a bit better, or be more prepared to give them a good swat on the rear when they go around proclaiming falsehoods in His name or using their own hate or bitter attitudes to promote an agenda or a vengeful attitude of their own instead of being an actual example of Christ.

Because... I still feel very deeply hurt over some things that one or two Christians in particular said to me. And there are some cases (not all, just some) where I think "Christians" can end up being some of the most arrogant people of all.

I really hope I haven't offended anyone with anything I said in this thread.... I would just like to ask for patience and understanding if I have, because I am really, really trying to work through some deep hurt here and I don't really have many places to turn right now.

 

[cinder]

Couple quick thoughts because I have to start work in a few:

Don't judge God solely on the basis of his followers, he's far better than they are. And part of sin seems to be if people can find a way to twist and corrupt something to their own selfish ends then they will, even faith stuff where they claim to be doing it all for God.

It's the people you let closest to you that can hurt you most deeply, doesn't matter if they are Christian or not (though sometimes we have higher expectations of Christians and so get more disappointed and surprised when they turn out to be capable of being just like all those non-Christians out there (kind of like David with Bathsheeba, it's not unusual for a king to abuse his power, what made this instance particularly grievous was that it was good and godly David doing it)).

There's plenty of stuff in the Bible that is difficult to accept because the heroes are too human and flawed and it pulls no punches about showing just how evil and messed up the world can get. But it's not there to show a perfect world, it's there to tell how God interacts with an imperfect world to reveal himself and redeem it.

And my time is up, will do more thinking later.

 

[TimothyGirl]

Hey Lenoralana, I stumbled upon your thread and have been reading snippets throughout my day (totally different time-zone here!). Just like christian74 here, I too, seldom read through long posts unless they catch my eye, but there was something about yours that I connected with... actually, there is A LOT that you have written that I can connect with, and for that reason I am compelled to respond

Firstly, your transparency is totally refreshing and it really blessed me. And as you have written with candour, so let me return the compliment. I am in my early thirties, having been "raised in a somewhat stereotypical over-sheltered homeschool upbringing" just like you. I too, did not have the opportunity to really meet people growing up either.

Though our circumstances and... traumas... are different, they have induced similar situations in my own life that I have had to face. I know all about the struggles you are talking about and have had to overcome them, which is the reason why I feel led to respond. I feel somewhat embarrassed to be writing them on a public forum like this, but let me despise the shame for the sake of those that are following this thread and hope that there are people out there that will be blessed and ministered to by this.

There is much that I could pick up on, but what I want to respond on is your struggle with your infatuation. I write this from experience, like I said, having grown up in a very similar situation to you, and I must agree with Christian74, that often times we struggle to let go because we have nothing else to hold onto. I had a similar "infatuation" with someone who made his feelings known to me. I feel like I was forced to like him back because there quite literally was no one else beside him that "qualified." (When you understand my circumstances and how small my life is, you'll understand why I say that. Let's just say I spent the larger part of my life in a very small community that had very few eligible young men, none of which were suiters!)

I had a decision to make: to agree to a relationship that my flesh wanted, but my spirit disagreed with, or to let go of the the only possible suiter that has come into my life in 10 years. When I prayed (and prayed!) about it, the Lord made it very clear that this person was not my husband and I had to walk away from him. It's one thing to walk away in the natural -- it's quite another to remove your heart's focus from there. I can honestly tell you that the only reason I held on in my heart was because of fear. That fear quite literally bound me to him despite my conviction to let go. You have to deal with the fear before you can truly let go.

You said that this guy was the last and the only one left in your community that made time for you. It is so difficult to let go when you feel that if you do, you will be left alone. Trust me, I know. But it is no reason to hold onto a relationship that is perfect in your mind, but will be hell in reality. You need someone to give you the balance and speak the truth to you - that it won't be "all fantasy" but you need to consider the reality of what it will be like if you did "pursue" the relationship. I've seen what "hell" looks like in relationships - it's not worth it. He won't be the one to change -- you will -- and you will be the most miserable for it. It really is not worth even holding onto it in your mind.

With that, I know all too well what you mean about holding onto a fantasy - like moving to Norway and "living happily ever after". Sometimes when life doesn't feel like it is moving (and you've had a life-time of it!), all the recourse you have is to live in a dream-world that gives comfort to you. But living in a dream world stops you from living in the present, which is where we discover Jesus. He is there in the dark nights, in the lonely places; He is there in the wilderness -- He is absent in the fantasy. He is longing for you to engage Him and to help you through this Path you are navigating...

I've also learned that when you have an unhealthy tie with someone that you just can't let go of, more often than not, there is a spiritual tie -- a soul-tie -- that needs to be prayed off and broken off. If you pray about it, the Lord will show you.

But the question you need to ask yourself is, "Why am I afraid to let go?"
When I was walking it, I realized that it was an area in my life that I didn't quite trust God in. I was afraid that no one else would come my way... "what if."..

The Lord gave me two accounts to help me see myself. The first was Lot's daughters. Now no one wants to consider themselves to be like Lot's daughters! But sometimes we need to stare in the mirror of the Word and see our reflection so we can be cured.

See, Lot's daughters believed that all the males in the world (their world!) had been destroyed and the only one left was their dad -- or for us, **fill in the blank**. They didn't have faith in God to believe that He had preserved a husband for them. The truth was that God had destroyed all the wicked and ungodly men, not all the men... And sometimes that is our experience in life: God removes all the "wicked" men -- all the wrong ones -- from our lives and we feel that there is "no one left." It's a lie. Faith is to trust that He has preserved the right one just for us.

The second account He cautioned me with was that of Jacob and Esau - in this case, Jacob playing the part of the devil, so to speak. The devil comes and offers us something we can see -- something that is both here and now -- in exchange for the "promise" or the "inheritance" and blessing God has for us. We can have immediate "pleasure" now in exchange for our birthright. It takes faith to say, "God, I'm going to decline what's in front of me now in favour of your best in my future." And like Isaac, to keep waiting....

I draw such comfort from Isaac's story. Isaac was 40 when Abraham, his Father, decided it was time to send for his wife. He didn't choose just anyone, but someone from the same "bloodline" and "background" -- someone who matches you. (Isn't that what we all want? Isn't that worth waiting for?!) Do you know what blesses me about that story? Do you know where Isaac had just visited when the Lord brought Rebekah to him? He had just come back from a place called Beer Lahai Roi -- the Well of the Living One WHO SEES ME.

Lenoralana, the Living One sees you too. He knows your wonderings and He will lead you to where you are meant to go. But the larger part of our Christian walk is spent waiting... it is the waiting that first surfaces the unbelief and then perfects our faith. He has His eye on you, can be assured of that. I want to challenge you to go and visit that Well that Isaac did -- you "go" there through prayer and drink of the revelation that the Living One Sees you. Face your fears and bring them before Him...

As for the Norway thing, I'm going to give you the advice that my Pastor always gives us when we are in a predicament: lay it down. Like Isaac, put it on the altar and give it to the Lord. If He raises it up, you know it is of Him... but hand it over to Him and give Him your focus. The Lord is desperate for all of us to respond to His call like Abraham did, to walk with Him and surrender to Him... and trust Him. This season of singleness (and I am speaking to all of us now ) is a beautiful season. Its a season between me and the Lord, and that will be the foundation of any and every relationship I encounter from here. I want that relationship to be complete, firm and mature before (and if) I am privileged with marriage. Salvation is not found in marriage - it is found in Jesus, and He is to be our pursuit

There's one more thing I feel led to write. From what I understand you are still living with your parents? (Snap, by the way, me too ) The season won't last forever. Redeem your time at home; make sure there is peace in your relationships. Sometimes our season lingers because there is something unresolved that the Lord is desperate for us to deal with. I know the Lord has sent me back home to redeem my relationship with my family. It has been a long and hard walk, but I'm finally at peace and content with where I am in life. It was when I entered into the relationships that are around me - Mom, Dad, sister -- that is when I came to peace and the longing for a partner left me, because I am fulfilled in the relationships I have spent a long time running away from. You are where you are meant to be; live in the moment, don't fear the future. If you can trust God with tomorrow, you can enjoy today... it was a difficult lesson for me to learn.

I think I have said enough for now. When we walk with the Lord, He always chooses the path of the wilderness to teach us to trust Him. I, too, get tired of the sand, but let's hold on to the Promise that there IS a destination for us -- a home, a land flowing with milk and honey. Let us walk by faith in a God who loves us...

May the Lord meet with you, and may you discover that Jesus truly is the Man we have spent our lives waiting for; the Man that loves you like no other man can. May He reveal Himself to you like He did for another woman sitting by the well (John 4). Oh, how He loves us...!

 

[Lenoralana]

I want to start by saying thanks again to everyone who's posted in this thread. It has helped a lot more than you know, and... I would still appreciate prayers on everything if that's okay. ^^;

I guess the thing is... another thing I have struggled with greatly is that I do not deal well with change. I can take me a long time to adjust to change, or sometimes to fully accept and process that a change has even happened in the first place. (I just seem to be one of these thick-headed/routine-oriented types, sorta, where... if I get something into my head, or if I was able to establish a specific kind of dynamic with someone.... well, if that person and I part company for a while and they're different when I talk to them again... and even if that person DOES try to set down new boundaries with me out of necessity, I won't accept or absorb what is being said because it contradicts what was originally established and I spend a long time expecting that person to "change back". Especially if i got really used to doing the same things and saying the same kinds of things with that person for a long time.)

Also... I guess it is kinda rough on me, emotionally, when I latch onto one key individual as my favorite venting buddy, someone I can talk to about literally anything and that person just gets it (or at least patiently tolerates it even if they don't like what is being said sometimes), but then... eventually, that person changes into someone who doesn't understand or flow with things in quite the same way anymore... and worse, becomes someone I actually need to vent about to someone else, but I end up keeping my feelings pent up inside because I also don't want to feel like I'm disrespecting or betraying that person by talking behind their back.

It's just... I have been told by people from time to time that, of course, if you have an issue with someone, you should be able to talk to that person. But the thing is.... that is not always true. There are times, I have found, when you finally get put in a corner and have to tell someone the harshest, most selfish things you've been thinking in the darkest corners of your mind and heart, and... as you already knew they probably would, they leave because they literally can't handle it. Even if it's justifiable.

I mean sometimes.... it's VERY easy for someone to keep telling you and promising you "I will always be here no matter what"......... until they really know something from a dark corner of your heart.

Plus... there is the fact that sometimes.... when somebody says, "If you have a problem with me, you can talk to me directly" it is sometimes BS. Sometimes, people prove they lack the capacity or tolerance to understand or flow with certain things, or they're a bit too preoccupied with other things to listen to you with an open mind, or they just cannot be open or receptive to what is being said for any number of reasons. Plus... most people don't want to change. Or maybe, sometimes you have another reason why you can't say something directly to someone.

Anyway.... I have noticed that, for some reason, I seem to have a way of establishing deep, fast friendships with intelligent and imaginative people... and I tend to attract people who don't mind just diving deep into things straight off without having to do small talk (I hate that) or go through the get-to-know-you-first phase.

These interactions have always been a huge blessing and... a huge curse. We dive in deep, we share, we help each other through tough stuff by getting right to the heart of some issues.... but then many of these friendships wear out easily. And I seem to eventually lose interest in them, and they in me.

I guess... another thing that has ended up deeply disappointing me sometimes is that there have been times when I develop a deep friendship bond with someone, to the point where it seems like we love each other no matter what... because, I guess, for that period of time at least, both of us were literally the best thing that either of us had. But then that person starts to evolve a bit more, get interested in other social circles and doing other things, and completely forgets the dynamic and patterns we had once solidly flowed into/established naturally between us... and then miscommunications happen more readily, and every time I flat-out state that I'm a bit upset or disappointed about something, I get sort of a puzzled response, like, "I'm disappointed you didn't say something sooner. I can't read your mind and I don't know what you're thinking or feeling unless you say it." Which feels like a cruel punch to the stomach when they say stuff like that, because there was once a time when I was the sole center of their world, and saying something would not have been necessary. They would've picked up on the subtle cues.

I guess.... that is one thing that really aggravates me about human nature sometimes (Even if I am guilty of doing it, too) it's that... when someone changes, well... okay, they can't help it, especially if their change is a result of sudden loss, trauma, circumstances, or other things beyond their control. But... when they change, they don't even seem to realize how much their change in routine, behavior patterns, attitude and etc. might effect those around them. And if you have a problem with it, or if you feel like there's been a drift, YOU get blamed like it's all your problem and you're seeing issues where there "are none".

I might sound rather.... cold and callous here, and I probably am sounding like an uncaring, unfeeling monster here who has no sympathy for other people when they change or go through stuff. And... maybe it is true in some ways. I'm not a very good listener, and while I can do things FOR people like cook or run an errand for them, I'm simply not the person you turn to if you need emotional support or if something huge has happened in your life. Sorry, it's just... I get overwhelmed by my OWN emotions sometimes and I am still learning how to deal with those... and sometimes I can find other people just plain annoying or overwhelming even if they aren't doing anything wrong at all. (Again, please remember that it is suspected I have Aspergers, so... that might be part of it.)

Nowadays, for now anyway, I am far more content to simply focus on trying to reconnect a bit with my parents and healing/strengthening my relationship with them, especially since I know they won't be here forever. And I keep lamenting how much time I've wasted hating them for various things... when now, it seems like it's too late to do some of the things we could have done because they're older and more easily tired. But... at least I can still talk to them, and I can still do some things around the house with them.

 

[Lanolin]

Its ok I think if you dealing with something like aspergers (which doesnt sound all that differrnt from dealing with overwhelming stimuli in life) you need things to be familiar, stable and routine.

The thing about Jesus is he is the same, yesterday, today and forever. He is like the anchor the storm. He is the rock!

That is not true about a lot of people, as people tend to be sinful and unpredictable!

btw welcome to CC. Hope you will stay awhile.