It's the Official CC Anti-Dating Thread -- Write Yourself a Dating No-File!

[seoulsearch]

Hey Everyone,

With all the virtual dating and dating profiles being talked about in other threads , I thought it might be fun for everyone to create their own "Dating No-File."

The idea for this thread is to take a stereotype about singles/why someone is single, then turn it into a humorous (but NOT mean-spirited) "no-file."

For example...

Common Stereotype About Single Women: Single women who get too old to find a husband become crazy old cat ladies!

Here's my idea of a "Dating No-File" based on this stereotype... Just imagine a crazy cat woman trying to write a dating profile... This is what I'm picturing:

"Hi there, I'm Seoul, so nice to meet you! Like my sweater? Thanks! Mom knit it for me out of 100% organic, environmentally sustainable material -- that's right, my sweater is made out of cat hair! We have at least 15 cats (we never really bother to count) and with all the fur we collect each day, Mom could knit you a matching sweater like mine in a jiffy! Just imagine -- beautiful, durable, and helps save the planet! What, you thought I was talking about myself? *blush* Aw, you're such a gentleman -- I'm flattered! But actually I was talking about my Mom's sweaters!

We proudly produce all the cat hair ourselves on our very own cats, and have NEVER fed them harmful antibiotics or pesticides! And, if we should meet for dinner, don't worry if a cat hair should accidentally fall into your food -- after years of practice I will be able fish it out even the tiniest wisp of fur before you even notice! Soup is always a little challenging, but I promise it won't be a problem!

Best of all, if I give you a hug goodbye, you'll have a built-in souvenir! At least one (but most likely 3 or more) hairballs from my sweater will stay with you -- a constant reminder (and smell) of our lovely, romantic evening!

I can't wait to meet you, and in fact, Mom is knitting me a brand-new Date Night Sweater (in a lace pattern -- flirty!!!) right now, so be sure to drop me a message asap (and before we collect another round of cat hair, so I can ask you what color our matching sweaters should be!)

Don't worry, we have at least 3 cats in every color you can think of, so don't be shy! 😘"



Now... How many suitors does everyone think this woman will find?! Hmm...

Disclaimer: Although I think a friendly affectionate cat is one of God's most adorable creatures, I don't own cats and due to allergies, don't plan on getting any, no matter how long I'm single or how crazy I might become.

So... Does anyone else feel up to the challenge?

Here are a few ideas, to help get the ball rolling -- try writing a dating profile ("no-file") for:

* The single person who is happy being single but everyone else is constantly trying to set them up with someone.

* The single person who has "loads of free time" (because it's always assumed that singles have all the time in the world.)

* The single person with "oodles of money" (because it's assumed that single people have tons of money to spend on themselves.)

* The single person who "must have something wrong with them, and that's why they're single." (What would you imagine would be a humorous take on the "wrong thing" about someone that everyone assumes is undate-able?)

This is all in the spirit of good-natured fun and simply meant for laughs! Most everyone knows a bit about dating profiles... So how about writing yourself (or someone else) a dating No-File?

 

[Bartholomew]

I'm still trying to wrap my mind around your thread....just give me a few days. I'll um come up with something...

 

[cinder]

That reminds me of another old post of mine:

I'm Cinder. I joined CC because I envy the busy social lives of hermits and recluses and wanted to get out more. I tell people I'm on about my 4th career path now. I'm desperately hoping for a wonderful rich man to come along so I don't really have to grow up and do actual work. I used to have bad table manners, now I just don't bother eating at the table. I also have no idea why things I commonly do may gross people out. Nose blowing, nose picking, scraping off dead skin, farting, yeah I don't bother to excuse myself to do any of that. It's natural right? I'm always right, except when I'm wrong, but that happens so rarely that they declare it a national holiday. I speak two other languages like a 4 year old with a speech impediment and enjoy being able to say important things like hello, thank you, bathroom and a variety of swear words in random other languages.

Did we mention body type? I am fat. Fat like can't buy clothes in normal stores fat. Since I dress for comfort instead of appearance this doesn't bother me too much. I'm looking for the man who thinks a woman looks attractive in baggy sweats with food stains on them. Did I mention that I'm also allergic to everything outdoors? Dogs and cats too for that matter. That means I have days where I lay in bed wishing I knew how to safely drill holes in my sinuses to lower the pressure. I'm sure you'll enjoy me canceling plans due to bad allergy days and seeing me try to push my face into my skull when the sinus pressure gets too intense. I'm also fiercely independent and will complain that you think I'm incompetent if you try to help me and that you never do anything for me if you let me do it on my own.

Well that should be enough to make all you handsome men out there desperate to be with me. Please don't all PM me at once; you'll interfere with my alone time.

Now I just don't know if that's the one for the person who's happily single or the one who has things wrong with her.

 

[seoulsearch]

Now I just don't know if that's the one for the person who's happily single or the one who has things wrong with her.

Never hurts to kill two birds with one (single, very single) stone!

 

[GaryA]

With all the virtual dating and dating profiles being talked about in other threads , I thought it might be fun for everyone to create their own "Dating No-File."

Are you sure that isn't supposed to be 'Con-File'...???

Now... How many suitors does everyone think this woman will find?! Hmm...

I don't know how many, but *I* certainly will not be on that list...

Disclaimer: Although I think a friendly affectionate cat is one of God's most adorable creatures, I don't own cats and due to allergies, don't plan on getting any, no matter how long I'm single or how crazy I might become.

I get along with most pets, including cats; however, I have cat hair/dander allergies - so...

(I know just what you mean. I have no plans to ever have a cat as a pet. A dog - maybe. A cat - "not a chance"...)

So... Does anyone else feel up to the challenge?

I will have to think about this one - and then, if I come up with something - and, if I have time...

* The single person with "oodles of money" (because it's assumed that single people have tons of money to spend on themselves.)

If single people are thought to have plenty of money, why are they not thought of as someone who just might want to spend some of it on someone else - who only has to but spend some time with them...???

 

[Dino246]

"Hi ladies, I'm Bill. It's easy to 'member cuz you have to pay it. Kinda like me. In case you din't get that, it's a joke.

I'm handy; I can fix my own cars, and often do, because they often needs fixing. My favourite cologne is Huile d'Auto by Havoline. I like it cuz it comes in big cans. I really like them big cans.

I have a house. Well... it's more like a shanty, but the good thing is that there is only one frig in the front yard. That's how you can tell it's my place. The neighbours all have at least three. I have a job too... Bubba calls me now and then to do stuff he needs doin', and usually remembers to pay me in cash.

I like to dress neat and put a clean shirt on at least once a week. I use a toothbrush regular-like too. I'd call it a teethbrush but... well, I'm a gentleman after all. Momma din't raise no liars. She's a good cook, and makes a fine gator stew. She don't cause too much fuss if'n you let her keep the TV up real loud.

I'm sure we'd git along jus' fine, as long as Smith an' Wesson like you... they's my dogs. If'n you wanna meet, I'll be at the Roadhouse on Saturdays between... well, anytime after opening. Just look for the tall handsome guy at the corner barstool. I'll be the guy next to him."

 

[kinda]

(Que 50's radio program theme song)

Welcome to Einstein knows best, starring.....Albert Einstein.





Hi, I'm your host, Dr. Sammy Shoeshine. Today we are gonna discuss relationship dynamics with our star, Albert Einstein.

Albert, can you tell us why relationships seem to be so disappointing?

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Single man in his late 20's seeks companion of many super models to get me beer, while I watch live sports on t.v.. Cooking and cleaning are a plus, but knowledge of doing laundry is mandatory. Please send head shot to my e-mail if interested: Bigsportsfan@gmail.com Please note not interested in marriage and don't expect to go out to much, since I was just laid off from work. My brother owns the largest talent agency in Hollywood, I could help you ladies get onto the silver screen.
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[Lynx]

Hmm... take a singles stereotype and make it a dating "no-file."

Okay, I got one.


Hi there! I'm a single white male, looking for a single anything female, so my friends will shut up about me being gay. I'm NOT gay! I just have never found a date yet, mostly for lack of trying.

You'll probably like me. All the women I know say I'm one of their best friends. I'm really good with fashion and I can probably recommend something that will match well with anything you want to wear. I am gainfully employed, making good money as a waiter at a local eatery, where all the customers seem to like me too... though I sometimes overhear one of them say that I look like I'm "trying to carry a corncob without using his hands, if you know what I mean" though I never have figured out what they mean.

When you meet me it will be easy to tell it's me. I don't know any other guys who walk quite the way I walk... I'm just that unique, haha! And please don't call what I'm carrying a purse. It's a European messenger satchel.

Hope to hear from you soon luv! Ta ta for now!

 

[Lanolin]

I dont go looking for cats, cats find me.
If had a dog, it would eat the chicken. And the cat. (only have one cat. Its the family cat. I tell all the others to shoo)

On contrary, I knew someone, living with her boyfriend who was so crazy about cats she wanted me to give her stuff for a garage sale to sell to raise money to feed all the stray cats in the neighbourhood.

?! I dont know if shes still with the boyfriend who she always seemed to complain about. That was a drama and a half...

All I know is I couldnt sleep with a dog and single men with dogs just have this dog smell on them. Not so much the smell and the fleas though its the barking, howling and whining I cant stand. Keeps you up all night.

 

[Lanolin]

ok taking up challenge the dating profile for: The single person who has something wrong with them

I had an accident when I was in my teens and require lots of care and would like you to do everything for me. Can I please move into your house while you take care of all the bills, shopping, cleaning, cooking and household tasks while I write poetic angst gazing out of the window, bedridden on how it hurts to be me.

Dont give me any books to read as I have a really short attention span and often fall asleep at random times. But always be ready to wait on me hand and foot as I have the most flattering praise for you if you do and make you feel like a superhero.

 

[GaryA]

Are you sure that isn't supposed to be 'Con-File'...???

For those who may have missed the humor-intended double-part meaning:

1) 'Con' is opposite of 'Pro'
2) 'Con' as in - written up to do a "con job" on the date prospect reading it

(seemed amusing at the time)

 

[Lanolin]

the single person happy to be single but everyone tries to set them up with someone

dear future mate
I must tell you that being in a relationship with me is great because you can say you are in one but not really! You can do anything you want but I wont really be there as we can be together in name only! I give you all rights to mention me whenever you need someone to talk about.
I have tons of photos of me that you can photoshop into your facebook profile so it looks like we really are a couple!

 

[Lighthearted]

"Hi ladies, I'm Bill. It's easy to 'member cuz you have to pay it. Kinda like me. In case you din't get that, it's a joke.

I'm handy; I can fix my own cars, and often do, because they often needs fixing. My favourite cologne is Huile d'Auto by Havoline. I like it cuz it comes in big cans. I really like them big cans.

I have a house. Well... it's more like a shanty, but the good thing is that there is only one frig in the front yard. That's how you can tell it's my place. The neighbours all have at least three. I have a job too... Bubba calls me now and then to do stuff he needs doin', and usually remembers to pay me in cash.

I like to dress neat and put a clean shirt on at least once a week. I use a toothbrush regular-like too. I'd call it a teethbrush but... well, I'm a gentleman after all. Momma din't raise no liars. She's a good cook, and makes a fine gator stew. She don't cause too much fuss if'n you let her keep the TV up real loud.

I'm sure we'd git along jus' fine, as long as Smith an' Wesson like you... they's my dogs. If'n you wanna meet, I'll be at the Roadhouse on Saturdays between... well, anytime after opening. Just look for the tall handsome guy at the corner barstool. I'll be the guy next to him."

Hi ya tall n' handsome. Give me a holler...you sound like my type of fella. I just love a man that smells like motor oil n' sweat. 🤤

 

[Lynx]

Nobody has done a gamer nerd yet?


OMG I'm actually doing this!

So I was in a PvP battle with some girl in the Castle of Shmaugenrock and she was trying to trash-talk me and said something about I'm still single cause I'm just a pathetic nerd who can't get a girl. So here I am making a dating profile here to prove her wrong!

My interests are World of Warcraft and a little Final Fantasy 14, but just enough to get through the storyline, because I don't want to take too much time from Warcraft. Let's hang out on the Plains of Moria sometime. I know where all the best loot drops are, and I can even get you the Ring of Sassinak - I know the Holy Nova spell, and all the enemies in the caverns where you get the Ring of Sassinak are weak against Holy magic, so I can personally escort you on the quest, no problem!

We'll have to start the quest about 6pm though, Central Standard Time. The quest that gets you the ring takes a good three hours to get through the caverns, and my mother likes to be in bed by 9pm and she throws the main house breaker when she goes to bed so there won't be any computer noise to wake her up.

 

[Lynx]

(Although actually having a girlfriend first, and trying to bring her into the game you like... can be just as painful.)

 

[Lanolin]

the single person with oodles of money


would you like to be a 'kept man?' Then shack up with me, its an all expenses paid relationship where I get to call all the shots and you just come along for the ride and do everything I want you to do because I pay for it. It will be a blast!

 

[Krumbeard]

Hey Everyone,

With all the virtual dating and dating profiles being talked about in other threads , I thought it might be fun for everyone to create their own "Dating No-File."

The idea for this thread is to take a stereotype about singles/why someone is single, then turn it into a humorous (but NOT mean-spirited) "no-file."

For example...

Common Stereotype About Single Women: Single women who get too old to find a husband become crazy old cat ladies!

Here's my idea of a "Dating No-File" based on this stereotype... Just imagine a crazy cat woman trying to write a dating profile... This is what I'm picturing:

"Hi there, I'm Seoul, so nice to meet you! Like my sweater? Thanks! Mom knit it for me out of 100% organic, environmentally sustainable material -- that's right, my sweater is made out of cat hair! We have at least 15 cats (we never really bother to count) and with all the fur we collect each day, Mom could knit you a matching sweater like mine in a jiffy! Just imagine -- beautiful, durable, and helps save the planet! What, you thought I was talking about myself? *blush* Aw, you're such a gentleman -- I'm flattered! But actually I was talking about my Mom's sweaters!

We proudly produce all the cat hair ourselves on our very own cats, and have NEVER fed them harmful antibiotics or pesticides! And, if we should meet for dinner, don't worry if a cat hair should accidentally fall into your food -- after years of practice I will be able fish it out even the tiniest wisp of fur before you even notice! Soup is always a little challenging, but I promise it won't be a problem!

Best of all, if I give you a hug goodbye, you'll have a built-in souvenir! At least one (but most likely 3 or more) hairballs from my sweater will stay with you -- a constant reminder (and smell) of our lovely, romantic evening!

I can't wait to meet you, and in fact, Mom is knitting me a brand-new Date Night Sweater (in a lace pattern -- flirty!!!) right now, so be sure to drop me a message asap (and before we collect another round of cat hair, so I can ask you what color our matching sweaters should be!)

Don't worry, we have at least 3 cats in every color you can think of, so don't be shy! 😘"



Now... How many suitors does everyone think this woman will find?! Hmm...

Disclaimer: Although I think a friendly affectionate cat is one of God's most adorable creatures, I don't own cats and due to allergies, don't plan on getting any, no matter how long I'm single or how crazy I might become.

So... Does anyone else feel up to the challenge?

Here are a few ideas, to help get the ball rolling -- try writing a dating profile ("no-file") for:

* The single person who is happy being single but everyone else is constantly trying to set them up with someone.

* The single person who has "loads of free time" (because it's always assumed that singles have all the time in the world.)

* The single person with "oodles of money" (because it's assumed that single people have tons of money to spend on themselves.)

* The single person who "must have something wrong with them, and that's why they're single." (What would you imagine would be a humorous take on the "wrong thing" about someone that everyone assumes is undate-able?)

This is all in the spirit of good-natured fun and simply meant for laughs! Most everyone knows a bit about dating profiles... So how about writing yourself (or someone else) a dating No-File?

Can I just copy/paste one that I saw today...that was real! I think...

Very dreamy in lala world. Not sure they ever had a touch of reality in the way of a relationship. And very very very very very long. Describing in detail who she is and what she wants and what she wants in her man.

Yup...there's a reason she's in her mid 40s and never married.

 

[Lanolin]

the single person with loads of free time

I am at a loose end and waiting around for my Mr Right. Please call me any time of the day or night and I will instantly reply. I will do anything you want to do, I mean anything! My answer will always be yes.

 

[Lanolin]

Can I just copy/paste one that I saw today...that was real! I think...

Very dreamy in lala world. Not sure they ever had a touch of reality in the way of a relationship. And very very very very very long. Describing in detail who she is and what she wants and what she wants in her man.

Yup...there's a reason she's in her mid 40s and never married.

please do... interesting.
but then may her standards are too high.
I imagining she is after the ONE when really you should be castng your net wide and catching everything in you path like a big trawler and then going through all the likely candidates.

like this...
wanted single man for single woman with view to a marriage. If this is you then flick me an email, You gotta be in to win!

ps. your lotto numbers must exactly match the next draw.

 

[Lynx]

I imagining she is after the ONE when really you should be castng your net wide and catching everything in you path like a big trawler and then going through all the likely candidates.

Otherwise known as the strip-mining method - plow through every eligible person of the opposite gender looking for the right one.

Me, I'm waiting for the fish to jump in my boat. I'm too indolent to even drop a line in the water.