Is it a bad witness for a Christian pastor to marry someone 30 years younger?

[Scribe]

What is the general consensus on age difference between people if the man is a pastor? Does his leadership role make a difference if he is thinking about marrying a woman who is 30 years younger than him? Would it be ok for someone else in the church who was not in leadership? Why is it frowned upon?

 

[seoulsearch]

What is the general consensus on age difference between people if the man is a pastor? Does his leadership role make a difference if he is thinking about marrying a woman who is 30 years younger than him? Would it be ok for someone else in the church who was not in leadership? Why is it frowned upon?

My first reaction is to give the obvious answer that if God Himself leads a man to marry someone 30 years younger, case closed -- there's nothing else to say.

But my immediate emotional reaction is, "If the leader of the congregation is married to someone 30 years younger, a lot of the men in the congregation are going to hold that up as an example and strive for that themselves."

Many of us in the Singles forum are here because we were left for younger brides.

I've heard it said that a woman becomes invisible past the age of 30, and my experiences in the dating pool seems to reinforce that. In the past, I was on some of the Christian dating sites in which the women lamented about always being passed by for the 20-somethings.

I just have to wonder. If God is leading men to marry women who are 30 years younger, who are the women supposed to marry when they're past the age of 30? Are 40-year-old women expected to marry 70-year-olds, 50-year-old women to 80-year-olds, and 60-year-old women should just throw in the towel, because all the potential husbands are in nursing homes or already dead?

I don't know what God thinks about these things. But I certainly wonder.

I just watched a documentary last week about the advances in robot doll companions, and one of the creators said that some of the most common feedback they received was from men in their 50's who tell them, "I can't get a woman who looks like this in real life (20-something beach babe), so (thank goodness) I can have a doll that looks like this instead."

One of the reasons I'm single is because I don't want to feel a need to compete with women 30 years younger than me (which, if you used my age, would actually be illegal, but I'm sure you know what I mean.)

If I attended a church in which the pastor was setting this example, I certainly wouldn't stay there -- unless God somehow gave me a 30-years-younger husband as a "holla back" to the pastor.

 

[Magenta]

I don't know what God thinks about these things. But I certainly wonder.

I could say something about being equally yoked. . . but I won't

 

[kinda]

This is a touchy subject and was lightly discussed before. The more important question is, have they been married before? If so, and neither one is a widow, that would be a bad witness to some, others not so much.

Another question would be, how effective would a married pastor be, versus a single pastor? Wasn't Jesus and the 12 Disciples all single? Not sure to many woman would go for men who like to sleep in the garden at night, just as a general rule.

Age difference doesn't really matter, as long as it's legal. A 30 year gap would definitely get a few whispers some where though.

This topic would probably be better off in the married forum, if there is one. Singles are generally minimized, don't normally hold any positions of authority in a church, and treated as people that should be hooked up with a partner.


Luke 16:18

“Anyone who divorces his wife and marries another woman commits adultery, and the man who marries a divorced woman commits adultery.

 

[Subhumanoidal]

"I just have to wonder. If God is leading men to marry women who are 30 years younger, who are the women supposed to marry when they're past the age of 30? Are 40-year-old women expected to marry 70-year-olds, 50-year-old women to 80-year-olds, and 60-year-old women should just throw in the towel, because all the potential husbands are in nursing homes or already dead?"

Because most men aren't lead to that. I've never met a man that claimed to specifically be called to younger women. Perhaps a younger woman, under a specific circumstance. But people can clearly have preferences. I've also yet to meet anyone that would bypass a woman for being 30+. Then again i'm not social. My chances of meeting people that have said that is probably limited, but both are things i've never known a single man that was like that.
Not to say it doesn't happen, but it seems weird to be that common. At least within the church.
In fact the only men i've known to marry significantly younger women were usually just tired of waiting and expanded their options, rather than seeking them out.

Then again i've never really believed people were lead to each other to begin with.

 

[Subhumanoidal]

The more important question is, have they been married before?

That's not the question asked, though. It's a subject that's been touched on much more than lightly, already, in countless threads.

As far as where this thread belongs, many threads on this site are in the wrong forums. It barely even matters anymore as no one cares, and mods don't even care. A mod approved this thread, as well as the location it was posted.

 

[Scribe]

I think in our culture is would be frowned upon but probably not at the time of Christ.

 

[Magenta]

Wasn't Jesus and the 12 Disciples all single?

We know that Peter was married because he had a mother-in-law (Matthew 8:14). In 1 Corinthians 9:5 Paul asked the Corinthians, "Don't we have the right to take a believing wife along with us, as do the other apostles and the LORD's brothers and Cephas?" Perhaps we can assume that Peter was not the only one to have a wife, though generally speaking it is considered best not to argue from points on which the Bible is silent

 

[kinda]

I think in our culture is would be frowned upon but probably not at the time of Christ.

Agreed. Not just in the time of Christ either. Historically, woman have married older men, since older men have more wealth to provide for a wife and children. Hollywood and modern culture have populated couples being approximately the same age, this may certainly could help explain the high divorce rate. Today's world it's very common to have both husband and wife working, and children are raised on video games and television, among other things.

 

[kinda]

We know that Peter was married because he had a mother-in-law (Matthew 8:14). In 1 Corinthians 9:5 Paul asked the Corinthians, "Don't we have the right to take a believing wife along with us, as do the other apostles and the LORD's brothers and Cephas?" Perhaps we can assume that Peter was not the only one to have a wife, though generally speaking it is considered best not to argue from points on which the Bible is silent

I don't mind being wrong, thanks for the correction. Thanks sister for making me a better person! I might need to study that topic a little more.

Can we both agree, that a married man has more responsibility outside of ministry generally?

 

[Magenta]

I don't mind being wrong, thanks for the correction. Thanks sister for making me a better person! I might need to study that topic a little more.

Can we both agree, that a married man has more responsibility outside of ministry generally?

Asking a legitimate question does not make you wrong, though you are always so very gracious in how you address others and express your thoughts and feelings on Biblical/spiritual matters, and if I was able to help you come to a better understanding on this issue, I am pleased to have done so, though I dare say, it is you who makes us all better people through your consideration of others and the passion you bring in desiring to see all rise to a higher level So, thank you, and you are welcome

Yes, married people do have more responsibility, especially when they have children

 

[17Bees]

When I first looked at this thread question the last person to post was 'kinda'. Sometimes fate answers for me! My answer is......

yeah, kinda.

 

[kinda]

Asking a legitimate question does not make you wrong, though you are always so very gracious in how you address others and express your thoughts and feelings on Biblical/spiritual matters, and if I was able to help you come to a better understanding on this issue, I am pleased to have done so, though I dare say, it is you who makes us all better people through your consideration of others and the passion you bring in desiring to see all rise to a higher level So, thank you, and you are welcome

Yes, married people do have more responsibility, especially when they have children

I don't believe you, you all hate me. Thanks for keeping a straight face though, almost believed you. (joking)

 

[Magenta]

I think in our culture is would be frowned upon but probably not at the time of Christ.

Perhaps it was only/mostly the men who approved of such practices back then

 

[1christian1]

Perhaps it was only/mostly the men who approved of such practices back then

LOL...

 

[cinder]

What is the general consensus on age difference between people if the man is a pastor? Does his leadership role make a difference if he is thinking about marrying a woman who is 30 years younger than him? Would it be ok for someone else in the church who was not in leadership? Why is it frowned upon?

I think in our culture this would be frowned upon and open someone up to a lot of criticism even if that was the only issue people had with the marriage. Though it depends upon the age of people a little bit: a 48 year old marrying an 18 year old is quite different from a 90 year old marrying a 60 year old. In past cultures (and perhaps some present remoter cultures) where it was normal for men to marry off their daughters to their friends, that age difference would be much more normal and accepted. But in those cultures spouses were less expected to share a common life than run a productive household. And I think that's one of the the big reasons why it doesn't work in modern culture, our idea of marriage is about partnership and sharing life and that's much harder to do with someone who's in a completely different life stage from you. ( seriously different stage of life, people 30 years older than me are retired or close to it and people 30 years younger than me are prepubescent).

 

[1christian1]

I think in our culture this would be frowned upon and open someone up to a lot of criticism even if that was the only issue people had with the marriage. Though it depends upon the age of people a little bit: a 48 year old marrying an 18 year old is quite different from a 90 year old marrying a 60 year old. In past cultures (and perhaps some present remoter cultures) where it was normal for men to marry off their daughters to their friends, that age difference would be much more normal and accepted. But in those cultures spouses were less expected to share a common life than run a productive household. And I think that's one of the the big reasons why it doesn't work in modern culture, our idea of marriage is about partnership and sharing life and that's much harder to do with someone who's in a completely different life stage from you. ( seriously different stage of life, people 30 years older than me are retired or close to it and people 30 years younger than me are prepubescent).

Well said...

 

[Lanolin]

I think pastors should already be married by the time they are in leadership since letter to timothy states they are to lead their own household/family before they lead the church family.

I think its weird to have a really young pastor who doesnt have his own family and is dating, or conversely a really old single pastor who has ditched his first wife for someone much younger. if he was widowed it might be fine though especially if the first wife was ok with him remarrying after she died. I have heard of some situations like that.

 

[Lanolin]

I do think age difference is realy hard on the yonger spouse though cos apart from having not much in common the older spouse ends up patronising the younger one, more of a parental relationship than a true equal marriage.

its not fun to marry your mum or dad....

 

[Lynx]

Nobody has asked the most important question, so it's left to me:

Why do you ask, Scribe? You got a specific lady in mind?

Sorry, somebody had to say it...