How can I learn to forgive members of my church family? Is this normal?

[alittlelonger]

Hi, friends. As you can probably tell, I am no longer very new here. I thank God for the gentle counsel and advice that I received from this community for a previous question, and I was wondering if I could get some more advice.

Over the last few weeks, it's been occurring to me that I harbor some resentment towards a few members of of my church family. Overall they make me feel incredibly loved, and are quick to lovingly redirect me when I stumble and to support me during victories. But God has been revealing to me that I have been building mistrust toward my friends over a few things. I also want to know if I am being silly and misunderstanding some of the things I have been told; I am aware that I tend to be overly sensitive and contemplate on things for too long.

• I told a leader in the church that I experienced same sex attraction (in addition to opposite sex attraction), and that it made me feel ashamed. She told me that I would likely struggle to be monogamous and that I would be like my dad (who cheated on my mother with countless women for several years).
  • She also went on to mention that people of my minority group didn't need more representation in media because we were a statistically small portion of the population. I still don't recall the context for the statement, but I left feeling heavy and confused.
  • When I told a counselor/friend who was present at the conversation that it actually made me feel upset, she assured me that the leader probably didn't mean what I heard and that there were some language barrier issues (as the leader isn't from the US)
• After a sermon for college students, I asked the speaker (one of my mentors) how I could stop hating myself and begin to see myself as God sees me. He replied that I probably took a little bit of pride in being able to be melancholy all the time, and that I would need to give up some of my personality.
• Two of my housemates (a married couple) are my landlords as well. We all go to the same church. One of them asked my boyfriend to leave one night as he was helping me apply to grad programs (in the living room) because they didn't like boys being over past a certain time.
  • During nights of protests/riots, some family members have suggested he spends the night to avoid getting hurt. I never know how to explain to them that that wouldn't be allowed. I am also aware that my family would be confused and upset, because we are both adults, and the no-boys-past-a-time rule isn't part of the lease.

Please let me know if I am being sensitive. Are these things normal? Also, please feel free to give advice as to how to forgive. Jesus forgave me of all sin, and so it is wrong for me to refuse to do the same towards others.

Thanks for reading this book of a post. God bless you all.

 

[maryjohanna]

Hello, @alittlelonger! Thank you for opening up and being transparent about everything. Well, it sounds like in your situations they really are based on very personal interactions you have had with people. Unfortunately, situations like these happen to all of us and forgiveness is often a tough thing to do. I think it says a lot that you were willing to go to people and open up about how you felt; I am sorry people didn't respond the way that you had hoped and wanted.

Scenario 1: have you found yourself dealing with same-sex feelings more than once? is it something you want to avoid and change? I would like to think this leader could've pointed you in the direction of the Truth, yet assured you that sin is natural and that you can overcome your struggle.
Scenario 2: I am shocked a mentor told you that you may have to change a bit of your personality. That's crazy. Yes, we are supposed to evolve, grow, and change as we are renewed by God with a spirit of cleanliness. It sounds, though, like you were expressing matters of insecurity about yourself? [Correct me if I am wrong] God made us "fearfully and wonderfully" [Psalm 139] and made us to be who we are for specific reasons.
Scenario 3: This sounds like an issue you may need to sit down and talk to them openly and honestly. These kinds of things can easily be resolved.

TO answer your direct question, forgiveness can be hard, but it is possible and it is what we are called to do. The main thing I do to get myself to forgive is remind myself of 2 things: 1) God forgave me and 2) Allow Christ to work through you, and do the forgiving. We, as human beings, are weak. Without Jesus, it is nearly impossible to do things that are 10000 times easier when we have allowed Him to be active in our lives; one of them is forgiveness.

My first piece of advice would be to remind yourself that you are a sinner, just as the individual is who wronged you. We are ALL on the same level and are in NEED of Christ as our Savior. Take some time to reflect upon your state as a sinner, the gift of grace God has given you, and just how much Christ was willing to DIE FOR YOU regardless of all this. If He can do that, you can do it over some words that were said. My second piece of advice would be to really pray for Jesus to work in you. That act of forgiveness is a sign of wonderful fruit that God harvests within us. Pray, pray, pray...and pray some more, asking Him to help you. It is okay to lean on Him in situations where we find it hard to do something. This is when we truly need to lean on Him and let Him work through us.

I think you have made an important first step which is acknowledging that you want to forgive. Many of us struggle to even accept that we need to forgive someone for a wrong they've done. So, this is good. The next step is being able to just do it. Ephesians 4:31-32 tells us to be kind, tenderhearted, and forgiving one another as Christ forgave us. You are on the right track, friend. I hope everything works out and don't hesitate to start a convo with me or reach out. Id love to be there for you and chat!

God bless!!

 

[Subhumanoidal]

@alittlelonger
As far as the inability to be faithful, assuming that is what the person meant, that's entirely ignorant. A person's ability to be faiflthful isn't about sexual orientation. If it were then cheating wouldn't be so rampant among staight people. It sounds more like religious misinformation than anything I've ever heard as a truth.
The statement about being in the media is a weird one. Without having the context it was said it's hard to comment on. But there is truth in the statistics aspect. The LGBTQ community actually is a very small percentage of the population.
The only way to know if there was a misunderstanding is to ask the person who made the statement, directly. Otherwise everything is just speculation.

In regards to giving up your personality that sounds like quite an insult to God. He did, after all, make you. And while humans are imperfect that doesn't erase the things God put in people that make them up.
No clue what the statement about your being melancholic, as you offered no explanation. Is your hating yourself what they meant? If so there is a big difference between the two.
Ecclesiastes 7
3 Sorrow is better than laughter: for by the sadness of the countenance the heart is made better.
4 The heart of the wise is in the house of mourning; but the heart of fools is in the house of mirth.

As far as your roommates/landlords thats a tough one. It could depend on their motives. But if there is nothing in the lease I can see that being quite irritating, assuming you are, normally, in plain sight of them, or in open spaces. If you were ever going into your bedroom and closing the door I could see that being an issue for some.
In regards to your family, I'd be honest and upfront about your living situation. It's not your fault. It is the demands of the people that let you stay there.
Often times being honest and going to the source is better than sitting back and wondering or speculating. Having discussions to clear things up. You'll find that your presumptions can be wrong more than you expect.

As far as forgiveness, that's a choice. And it often doesn't happen immediately, but may take time. So don't feel as though you need to suddenly get past things. Thats not how feelings and emotions work.
And, as mentioned above, by going to people and talking can aid in forgiveness, or even negate the need as you learn new facts that change how you view things.

 

[alittlelonger]

@Subhumanoidal
Hi there, friend. I truly appreciate you taking your time to write such an honest and sincere message. It's rather late where I am, so I just wanted to give a super quick preliminary reply because I realized I muddied some details. I also just want to clarify some things in case others wanted to chime in.

The statement about being in the media is a weird one. Without having the context it was said it's hard to comment on. But there is truth in the statistics aspect. The LGBTQ community actually is a very small percentage of the population.
The only way to know if there was a misunderstanding is to ask the person who made the statement, directly. Otherwise everything is just speculation.

While she started off talking about the LGBTQ community, she also began to talk about how members of my race (also a minority group) didn't need more representation. I was a little confused by the second part, because race hadn't come up in conversation beforehand. I have been wanting to sit down and speak with her, but I have been afraid to do so, and she is absurdly busy. But God will surely make a way.

No clue what the statement about your being melancholic, as you offered no explanation. Is your hating yourself what they meant? If so there is a big difference between the two.

I think he was referring to my tendency to dislike myself, as well as my tendency toward depression. He and his wife (leaders of the church) are aware that I have gone to therapy, take antidepressants, and overall tend to have a negative affect, at least toward myself. I might be wrong in my assumption, though. When it comes to others, speaking life comes easily; when it comes to myself, I usually can only find ways to criticize my character.

As far as your roommates/landlords thats a tough one. It could depend on their motives. But if there is nothing in the lease I can see that being quite irritating, assuming you are, normally, in plain sight of them, or in open spaces. If you were ever going into your bedroom and closing the door I could see that being an issue for some.

As for my boyfriend, we mutually and firmly agreed to never step foot into one another's bedrooms (lol). If we aren't out, we exclusively hang out in the living room, in the kitchen, or on the porch. Actually, his household (which also mostly consists of friends from our church) has a house rule that not only can girls not go into their rooms, but that a guy and a girl cannot be at the house alone if another tenant isn't there also. My impulse is to believe that my housemates are looking out for our well being and are trying to keep us from stumbling, even it is a bit frustrating at times.

I appreciate your advice to try to talk to the people themselves. It is so easy to drum up wild and painful speculations. Jesus forgave me of so much worse; surely He will help me to eventually relinquish these things. Thank you, and God bless you! <3

 

[Subhumanoidal]

@Subhumanoidal
Hi there, friend. I truly appreciate you taking your time to write such an honest and sincere message. It's rather late where I am, so I just wanted to give a super quick preliminary reply because I realized I muddied some details. I also just want to clarify some things in case others wanted to chime in.



While she started off talking about the LGBTQ community, she also began to talk about how members of my race (also a minority group) didn't need more representation. I was a little confused by the second part, because race hadn't come up in conversation beforehand. I have been wanting to sit down and speak with her, but I have been afraid to do so, and she is absurdly busy. But God will surely make a way.



I think he was referring to my tendency to dislike myself, as well as my tendency toward depression. He and his wife (leaders of the church) are aware that I have gone to therapy, take antidepressants, and overall tend to have a negative affect, at least toward myself. I might be wrong in my assumption, though. When it comes to others, speaking life comes easily; when it comes to myself, I usually can only find ways to criticize my character.

As for my boyfriend, we mutually and firmly agreed to never step foot into one another's bedrooms (lol). If we aren't out, we exclusively hang out in the living room, in the kitchen, or on the porch. Actually, his household (which also mostly consists of friends from our church) has a house rule that not only can girls not go into their rooms, but that a guy and a girl cannot be at the house alone if another tenant isn't there also. My impulse is to believe that my housemates are looking out for our well being and are trying to keep us from stumbling, even it is a bit frustrating at times.

I appreciate your advice to try to talk to the people themselves. It is so easy to drum up wild and painful speculations. Jesus forgave me of so much worse; surely He will help me to eventually relinquish these things. Thank you, and God bless you! <3

As one who has had depression for 30+ years, and tried to understand it, and how it affects me, more clearly, i can say that the words that person spoke are not helpful.
Being depressed isn't about pride, it's the brains inability to function as it was designed, and as a result it affects how you think, how you view the world and how you cope with circumstances.
If someone had cancer would that person say the sick person takes pride in being sick? The brain is a part of the physical body. Why is it feasible to accept sickness everywhere but there?
Have you had any physical tests done to check for depression symptoms? Vitamins, hormones, allergies, etc...? If not I would talk to your doctor about that. It's always good to rule out physical causes before taking the next step into psychology issues.
And don't let others ignorance of it bring you down, just recognize they are not wise to listen to, at least in that area.

I'm having trouble finding a justifiable excuse for the race comment, other than possible misunderstanding. Or worse. But discuss it to be sure. And don't he afraid. You're just asking for clarification on words They Said. It doesn't need to take a long time, so their being busy shouldn't be a problem.

And the last one it seems you've already begun resolving that, so i see no need to further respond unless you're still having a problem.

 

[Frontios1996]

First off, I'm sorry to hear that people have put you down due to your same sex attraction. One of my best friends is an abstinent gay male, and he has been wholeheartedly accepted by his church, so keep on being the best you can be, with God's help, anything is possible.

 

[Heavenian]

Hi, friends. As you can probably tell, I am no longer very new here. I thank God for the gentle counsel and advice that I received from this community for a previous question, and I was wondering if I could get some more advice.

Over the last few weeks, it's been occurring to me that I harbor some resentment towards a few members of of my church family. Overall they make me feel incredibly loved, and are quick to lovingly redirect me when I stumble and to support me during victories. But God has been revealing to me that I have been building mistrust toward my friends over a few things. I also want to know if I am being silly and misunderstanding some of the things I have been told; I am aware that I tend to be overly sensitive and contemplate on things for too long.

• I told a leader in the church that I experienced same sex attraction (in addition to opposite sex attraction), and that it made me feel ashamed. She told me that I would likely struggle to be monogamous and that I would be like my dad (who cheated on my mother with countless women for several years).
  • She also went on to mention that people of my minority group didn't need more representation in media because we were a statistically small portion of the population. I still don't recall the context for the statement, but I left feeling heavy and confused.
  • When I told a counselor/friend who was present at the conversation that it actually made me feel upset, she assured me that the leader probably didn't mean what I heard and that there were some language barrier issues (as the leader isn't from the US)
• After a sermon for college students, I asked the speaker (one of my mentors) how I could stop hating myself and begin to see myself as God sees me. He replied that I probably took a little bit of pride in being able to be melancholy all the time, and that I would need to give up some of my personality.
• Two of my housemates (a married couple) are my landlords as well. We all go to the same church. One of them asked my boyfriend to leave one night as he was helping me apply to grad programs (in the living room) because they didn't like boys being over past a certain time.
  • During nights of protests/riots, some family members have suggested he spends the night to avoid getting hurt. I never know how to explain to them that that wouldn't be allowed. I am also aware that my family would be confused and upset, because we are both adults, and the no-boys-past-a-time rule isn't part of the lease.

Please let me know if I am being sensitive. Are these things normal? Also, please feel free to give advice as to how to forgive. Jesus forgave me of all sin, and so it is wrong for me to refuse to do the same towards others.

Thanks for reading this book of a post. God bless you all.

Pray for them. Even fast for them. When we always pray for those who have hurt us in one way or another, we can not hold any grudges against them. That's the reason GOD asked Job to pray for his friends who hurt him (Job 41:7-10). Also that's the reason JESUS our Glorious LORD told us to pray for those who hurt us (Luke 6:28) so that we will not hold unforgiveness in our hearts against them.

 

[Lion222]

The bible talks about forgiveness in a few ways.
1) One is being forgiven for a debt we could never repay.
2) Forgiveness is for those who repent, (turn away from some sin and towards Gods will for us).
3) Jesus example when he said Father forgive them the do not know what they are doing... Forgiving others who are clueless about what they are actually doing wrong.
4) Retaining sins, IE not forgiving them, do not try and out forgive god.
5) If you do not forgive other their minor debt to you when they repent or are ignorant of their wrong, neither will God forgive you.

The last one always helps me to forgive Because I too need forgiveness from God.
The fourth one helps me to focus on forgiving like God does. God does not forgiven everyone, neither should we. At some point it is no longer forgiveness but the tolerance of continued sin and an unloving cowardly way to be.

 

[melly4jesus]

To Forgive someone, we have to understand how much the Lord has forgiven us! we don't deserve His Forgiveness.

 

[Lion222]

To Forgive someone, we have to understand how much the Lord has forgiven us! we don't deserve His Forgiveness.

"Not sure the verse but in our weaknesses he is strong" Totally!