Chenoa,
Greetings, I can say I relate to your post. If you do not mind me sharing a little. I was about 17 or so, foster kid and getting closer to aging out of the system. I was fortunate to have a christian foster family at the end, Jim (foster dad) took me to a little church. It has a really interesting history.. the skinny on it was either mormons or jw's built it and then abandoned it which seems unheard of. Anyway this guy comes along with only a vision, and everything works out for him. You see he was a man of god. A true believe and he had the gift of prophecy. The worship was beautiful and this day (I do not remember the sermon) he started with a greeting and went into telling a story of a young boy.
This is where it gets interesting, because I became uncomfortable and wanted to get up and walk out. How could he know, my foster dad did not know, my social worker did not know, NO ONE knew. But this pastor spoke like he knew. He walked around telling a story that was not his to tell, he hand was out and he was searching. He came to the end of my pew and asked me to come over. He was telling my story you see. What I have been through from early to 17, things no one knew because I did not share and they were not there. I am pretty sure I never spoke them in my sleep and I never wrote them down. But this man he was telling my past. And then he started. He placed his hand on my shoulder, closed his eyes and told the whole congregation about my future. Not in great detail but things that have come to pass and things that may come to pass. As I do not remember everything. I was told they record every single sermon and have tapes available on request. You get the worship, the greeting, sermon and everything. I paid for it, came back later in the week and there was no tape of that morning. No recording, someone did not press record.
I feel God (my father) did this so that I do not try to make what that man said come true. Because all things happen in our fathers time. He has a plan for you like he does for me and every living soul on this planet. I do remember he said I would become a leader, and people would follow me. Willingly without hesitation. And I did, I joined the Army not because I wanted to be a leader but because I aged out of the system. No home, no friends and no place to go. I was living on the beach in So Cal in a 1976 mustang 2. It had a sunroof so I was doing better then some. I had a job and the beach had heated / AC bathrooms so I could wash clothes and outside showers so I could bath in the middle of the night of course. I went and got my GED and joined the Army. I have led people for 20+ years. I never lost a soldier deployed, God has kept me alive through interesting and guardian angels. Not without injury however, just alive.
So here I am, I have met my soul mate over 20 years ago. We have passed through each others lives maybe a dozen times. But she is not available and when she was I was to broken to meet her needs. So I feel your pain, why would my father keep me alive to let me suffer alone, unloved and unlovable.
But you see when we truly ask and bare our soul to our father and wholeheartedly let him take our pain we feel it. We feel the lift, may or may not sleep well that night but when we wake we feel somehow not empty. Not full but I do not feel the pain today I did yesterday. And every night I pray that our father leads me down his path for me. Someday I will either meet someone that will accept me for my flaws, my soulmate comes back or I will leave this shell behind and be with my father where none of this matters. Because on that day I will know I am loved and no longer alone.
I pray for you my friend, that you let go and let our father hold you and fill the void you feel in your life.
And maybe your family, the one God knows you deserve and need is not biological.
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