If God didn't exist, I'd rather kill myself than go through pain of life. Because of that, I won't ever kill myself because I know he exists and trying something is just way to risky.
On bad times where I forget about how valuable God's love is, I fear of Hell if i kill myself and that's the biggest thing holding me back.
I guess I'm just upset at times of how fragile I feel still being alive. I used to go in distractions so much in the summer because I felt like I wasn't good enough to be with him, and I wanted to try to distract myself so much to get away from the pain. Sometimes I get so mad and insecure, and i get frustrated at God because i am alive. I'm figuring out things in life with God, but sometimes I get so scared and mad because I am filled with so many problems because I am weak, and unstable having suicidal thoughts. (sorry if this is worded weird, I wrote this in a bit of a panic)
Philippians 1:21-26 New International Version (NIV)
21 For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain. 22 If I am
to go on living in the body, this will mean fruitful labor for me. Yet what shall I choose? I do not know! 23 I am torn between the two: I desire to depart and be with Christ, which is better by far; 24 but it is more necessary for you that I remain in the body. 25 Convinced of this, I know that I will remain, and I will continue with all of you for your progress and joy in the faith, 26 so that through my being with you again your boasting in Christ Jesus will abound on account of me.
Paul may not of had suicidal thoughts or the same type of emotional problems you are dealing with but he himself knew that death would be much easier than living. BUT he also understood Jesus Christ had given him a command to reach the Gentiles with the Gospel. His work is still in progress even after his death. So he had a mission commanded by God all the way up until it was time for his life to end. Not by his choice but by Roman authority. Paul's life by remaining with us created half the New Testament and saved who knows how many souls.
None of that would of happened if he had given up. You my friend have a similar calling, a similar mission, commanded to you, me and every Christian including the Apostles. It reads as this...
Matthew 28:18-20 New International Version (NIV)
18 Then Jesus came to them and said, “All authority in heaven and on earth has been given to me. 19 Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, 20 and teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you. And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age.”
God created you. Which by design means you are uniquely created allowing God to work in your individual strengths and weaknesses. God can easily work in your strengths but even your weaknesses are just as fertile for the rise of fruit when dealing with a perfect, powerful loving God.
2 Corinthians 12:9-10 New International Version (NIV)
9 But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that
Christ’s power may rest on me. 10 That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.
In Christ you have the power to be strong regardless of the status within your flesh. God can use you at any time. Your testimony alone can help others who struggle with the same problems.
Souls are a stake. We need you in the fight.
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