How to approach my daughter (complicated situation)

[cyph2cor517]

Hopefully this won't be unnecessarily detailed, but I'm hoping someone who's been there or at least has seen real fruit result from how the Lord led them to handle it can read and help me through it.
First, I have a 13 year old daughter. Second, I was a drug addict for 15 years and got clean 5 months ago. Haven't touched it since.
Third, because of that (of which I'm not complaining), my daughter has had to stay at my parents house while I take care of her.

So there are the most important details.

My heart is wrenched and broken in ways that make me want to give up entirely some days.

I'll explain a little bit about things. Since being clean, I've got on my hands a lot of bad parenting that I allowed to happen. Now if someone were to tell me "deal with it", that's fine. I'm hoping for something gracious and redemptive though. Someone who might have been there and seen God turn it all around.

Because my daughter is at my parents house it feels like anything I try to do that's authoritative will be undermined.

Now, because I have allowed this to go on for all the time that I have, and because I was a drug addict in the past, it may be the case that "deal with it" and "this is how it has to be" are the plain truth.

It doesn't cure the heartache though.

The way my daughter lives, which is encouraged and not spoken against by anyone else in my family, breaks my heart.
If I say something about it, it upsets my daughter, and no one will back me up.

I've often been afraid of enforcing a lot of rules and being authoritative, mainly when I was doing drugs because I simply could not bring myself to enforce things on my daughter when I couldn't even rule over myself and stop using drugs.

But now that they're out of my life, it seems that what will eventually happen is that if I stand for what I believe, and try to raise my daughter in that way she's just going to go live with her mom.
Furthermore, if I "rock the boat" at my parents house too much, it creates a lot of tension because my parents are quick to side with my daughter and prevent me from saying or doing anything for the sake of peace at their house.
Standing for what's right and doing what's right is what always seems to bring peace about in my heart and actually allieviates the pain in some way.

So that's it. Thank you for reading and I'll try to respond to everything here as best I can, if I can.

 

[17Bees]

hi Cyph. First, thank you for quitting your drug use. The reason I can thank you as a fellow human is because for every good you endeavor to do, you're eliminating an evil. I've always thought a person should start with their own heart.

So - let's start with your own heart. Do you trust yourself? I began to trust you when you admitted you've been afraid of enforcing rules when you couldn't follow them yourself. That tells me you have an understanding of responsibility. That you're culpable. That you are subject to the pledge you're making. That's an admirable trait and a beginning. But do you trust yourself? You don't have to answer me, it's an internal heart thing.

Trusting yourself is the lynch pin for understanding your value as father of your child. This includes trusting yourself to provide the very best for your child. Can you do that now? Do you have the resources, the dependability, the reliability, and rectitude, the patience, understanding, discipline....... and, oh my gosh. What a responsibility this is..... So... are your ready?

I think you have two battle fronts. #1, old demons die hard and 2. trust cost nothing to start and almost everything to regain. So let's consider #1. God forgives the sinner but the sin itself lives on. Your drug use is something you may have stopped, but the consequence of your use has caused you to lose more than I know, but including trustworthiness and worse, your child. Which leads to #2. The regaining of that trust begins with you and then extends in time to your child. Your parents are going to be hard pressed to trust you again. They're older and they know all the tricks and are very tentative for a long time to come.

Bottom line - and you asked for advice - I think you should leave your child with your parents for now. I think you still have battles to fight and trust to regain not just with your parents and child, but with yourself. I hope you extend this by trusting your parents for now. I think they have good intentions with your child and good care, so it would probably be good to take advantage of that for now.

Finally I think you should confess to your parents what you've confessed to strangers here today. Help them understand your weaknesses but also your pledge to regain their trust and the trust of your baby. This didn't happen fast and has no quick ending.

 

[presidente]

It's hard to comment without some specifics. Does she drink? Stay out all hours of the night? Sleep around? Do drugs? Rob liquor stores? Does she wear too much make-up? Wear skimpy outfits? Speak disrespectfully to parents or grandparents? Listen to bad music?

It might help to talk with some people about whether your concerns are a big deal or how to address them. If you legally have custody, after you have some time between you and the drugs and if you are able to work and get on your feet financially (if that is an issue) and have a place suitable for her to live in, you should be able to have her move in with you. Your parents may want to keep your daughter until she grows up, or maybe they would love to see her stay with you and you raise her, somewhere nearby where they live. They could also have mixed feelings. She may trust you more after you have been off drugs for a while.

You need to be on the same page. Rather than just confronting your daughter, you can sit down and talk with them alone. If your daughter speaks disrespectfully to them, you, teachers, etc., you can tell them about the problem and agree together on a course of action. If you are one team and all in agreement, that will be better for enforcing any kind of discipline, setting boundaries, etc.

 

[notuptome]

Give it time. 15 years of bad behavior is not erased in 5 months of improved behavior. People are not going to trust you until they observe you to be trustworthy. God forgives completely when one comes to Christ and is saved. It takes time and testing for men to see Christ in you before they can accept that what you profess is what you now possess.

For the cause of Christ
Roger

 

[Bingo]

Hopefully this won't be unnecessarily detailed, but I'm hoping someone who's been there or at least has seen real fruit result from how the Lord led them to handle it can read and help me through it.
First, I have a 13 year old daughter. Second, I was a drug addict for 15 years and got clean 5 months ago. Haven't touched it since.
Third, because of that (of which I'm not complaining), my daughter has had to stay at my parents house while I take care of her.

So there are the most important details.

My heart is wrenched and broken in ways that make me want to give up entirely some days.

I'll explain a little bit about things. Since being clean, I've got on my hands a lot of bad parenting that I allowed to happen. Now if someone were to tell me "deal with it", that's fine. I'm hoping for something gracious and redemptive though. Someone who might have been there and seen God turn it all around.

Because my daughter is at my parents house it feels like anything I try to do that's authoritative will be undermined.

Now, because I have allowed this to go on for all the time that I have, and because I was a drug addict in the past, it may be the case that "deal with it" and "this is how it has to be" are the plain truth.

It doesn't cure the heartache though.

The way my daughter lives, which is encouraged and not spoken against by anyone else in my family, breaks my heart.
If I say something about it, it upsets my daughter, and no one will back me up.

I've often been afraid of enforcing a lot of rules and being authoritative, mainly when I was doing drugs because I simply could not bring myself to enforce things on my daughter when I couldn't even rule over myself and stop using drugs.

But now that they're out of my life, it seems that what will eventually happen is that if I stand for what I believe, and try to raise my daughter in that way she's just going to go live with her mom.
Furthermore, if I "rock the boat" at my parents house too much, it creates a lot of tension because my parents are quick to side with my daughter and prevent me from saying or doing anything for the sake of peace at their house.
Standing for what's right and doing what's right is what always seems to bring peace about in my heart and actually allieviates the pain in some way.

So that's it. Thank you for reading and I'll try to respond to everything here as best I can, if I can.

"Thank you for sharing!
"I can relate to some extent, being a recovering alcoholic. You are welcome to share with some of us here on
the Miscellaneous forum under the CRA thread. A fellowship in and about recovery."

 

[Alessia]

It seems you need to discuss things first with your parents before addressing them with your daughter, since she has been living in their home and under their authority for quite some time and gradually find a way to gain back your parental authority.

 

[cyph2cor517]

hi Cyph. First, thank you for quitting your drug use. The reason I can thank you as a fellow human is because for every good you endeavor to do, you're eliminating an evil. I've always thought a person should start with their own heart.

So - let's start with your own heart. Do you trust yourself? I began to trust you when you admitted you've been afraid of enforcing rules when you couldn't follow them yourself. That tells me you have an understanding of responsibility. That you're culpable. That you are subject to the pledge you're making. That's an admirable trait and a beginning. But do you trust yourself? You don't have to answer me, it's an internal heart thing.

As far as drug use is concerned yes. When I was on drugs, it was the stumblingblock that prevented me from doing anything disciplinary in my daughter's life. Every time I'd think about enforcing anything, I'd make some application to how my drug addiction showed that I didn't believe in the discipline itself. But in all honesty, those blocks are lifted with the absence of drug use.

I think you have two battle fronts. #1, old demons die hard and 2. trust cost nothing to start and almost everything to regain. So let's consider #1. God forgives the sinner but the sin itself lives on. Your drug use is something you may have stopped, but the consequence of your use has caused you to lose more than I know, but including trustworthiness and worse, your child. Which leads to #2. The regaining of that trust begins with you and then extends in time to your child. Your parents are going to be hard pressed to trust you again. They're older and they know all the tricks and are very tentative for a long time to come.

I believe I know where you're coming from. To me, if it feels like I'm fighting too much of an uphill battle, then I tend to back off. But I think that if I'm walking in truth, and the things that were an issue are truly absent from my life, then I have the Lord's help in that matter.
IE, if I am sober, in the end it will be shown that I'm sober.

Bottom line - and you asked for advice - I think you should leave your child with your parents for now. I think you still have battles to fight and trust to regain not just with your parents and child, but with yourself. I hope you extend this by trusting your parents for now. I think they have good intentions with your child and good care, so it would probably be good to take advantage of that for now.

There's food, clothing, and shelter there, but no parental discipline because my parents just let her stay in her room and spend time on her phone without monitoring or intervening in any way.
There needs to be that element and I'm the only one that do that.

Finally I think you should confess to your parents what you've confessed to strangers here today. Help them understand your weaknesses but also your pledge to regain their trust and the trust of your baby. This didn't happen fast and has no quick ending.

In the time that you made your post I've done a lot of talking with my parents and while everything hasn't come out, a lot of what I've said here has, and I appreciate your mentioning it. Thanks for taking the time to respond.