My wife and i have been married 20 years. There have been times when we weren't getting along. It seems like comments are antagonistic. Simple discussion easily turns into an argument. You don't enjoy talking any more. Nerves may be raw. talking becomes a burden rather than a joy. Fortunately, we have gotten out of that. How do you get back to where you enjoy each other again? Well, it is possible. i'll tell you how we did it.
Usually this kind of thing happened in our marriage when we went through stress. Stress could be brought on by moving, unemployment, pregnancy, living with in-laws for a while, or living in a foreign country. My wife is from another country so we experienced all of those at once and went through a tough time like this. The last time we experienced that, we had just moved. Once we went through that when she was pregnant and I was really busy in grad school.
What caused our relationship to get off like this? Many times, we got into a cycle where she'd want to talk a lot when we had a lot to do and I was under stress. I didn't want to sit around and talk. i wanted to get stuff done. She'd feel not listened to, and get irritated with me. It felt like she was harping at me, speaking harshly. I didn't want to hear her talk. it was an emotional drain. She'd feel rejected. I don't know if it started with me. Sometimes, my wife talks a little too loud for my tastes or whatever, so that could start the cycle. However it happens, her talking would irritate me, and me not wanting to listen would irritate her. Then it gets worse and worse until it's easy to argue or you just feel like you are having conversations with someone who is an opponent and not on your side.
Once she got really oppositional like this when she was pregnant and anything turned into an argument. I didn't feel like I'd brought it on by the way I acted, though I did try to avoid the arguing. I prayed about that one, a long list of things, and she came back to me apologizing a few days and telling me how the Lord had spoken to her about most of the points on my long detailed list of prayers about her. Two points she brought up a few weeks alter. that was a really good reset in our relationship as she learned to be more respectful after the Lord had dealt with her about that.
We never cussed each other, though.
So how did we get out of they cycle? most of the time I'd tell her we couldn't argue like that anymore. I'd suggest we spend time in prayer, ask God or help in reconciling together in prayer-humble ourselves and each confess our own sins to God and each other.
My wife is a woman of prayer, but at times in the past when I'd suggest this, she did not like the idea because she didn't just want to pray and go through the motions, or she'd be kind of accusatory like assuming I was just going to say words and not do it (as if it were all me causing the problem.)
But I talked her into doing it, and then each of us would confess our own shortcomings. the last time we moved, i remember telling her how I wanted her to know I cared about her and was on her side, and wanted to be able to listen to her and enjoy that that really sunk in. She likes being listened to.
If you start off telling what your partner did wrong, it isn't likely to work, not if you are in the habit of blaming and accusing one another and being defensive. You have to repent and forgive before you tell your husband what he did wrong. At least that is the way it is for us.
I can think of three or four times in our marriage we've gotten into this 'crazy cycle' (as Eggerich's book Love and Respect) calls it where a conversation like this and prayer got us on the right track. Another time was when I asked the Lord to speak to my wife when she seemed to get kind of mean when she was pregnant once, and then she turned sweet. We prayed together about that, too, but she started confessing and asking forgiveness without me suggesting this method of prayer that time.
As a wife, one of your duties in Ephesians is to respect your husband. The word there in Greek can literally be translated 'fear' and is used in the phrase 'fear of the Lord.' It is also translated 'reverence' in some translations. You should have a deep respect for your husband, and that should manifest itself by not cussing him, not speaking harshly to him. The Bible tells Timothy, who appointed elders, not to rebuke an elder, but to entreat him as a father. These men were older than Timothy, and he had to be careful how he spoke to them. Children should be careful how they speak to their parents, and wives should be careful how they speak to their husbands. A wife should not just angrily express herself to her husbands. Christians should not have fits of rage, and a wife should be submissive and show respect to her husband.
A lot of arguments in marriage come because wives do not submit to their husbands. If they were in submission, in some cases, they would recognize the husband has a right to make a decision, so they would gently entreat instead of arguing or demanding.
And the husband is to love his wife as Christ loved the church, and gave Himself for her. A husband's attitude toward his wife should be one of honor and love. His attitude in decision-making should be self-sacrificial when it comes to his wife. Paul referred to Christ washing the church with the water of the word in his discussion on marriage, and husbands should speak the word of God to their wives.
If you wanted to, you could read this post to your husband. You could also just do your part and confess your sin to him, and to God. Confess yours in to him? Jesus said if your brother sins against you rebuke him. if he repents, forgive him. in the teachings of Jesus, we are to deal with other believers when it comes to sins against each other. If someone is offering a gift in the temple at the alter and remembers his brother has something against him, he is to leave the gift and go be reconciled to his brother.
If you told your husband that as a wife, you should speak to him respectfully and not yell at him, cuss him, etc., and you wanted to ask his forgiveness for saying such and such to him, and not having a submissive attitude toward him about such and such, and not reverencing him as a husband, that might change his attitude. If he forgives you, then he might be in a place for you to very gently tell him you did not like the way he spoke to you when .... whatever the case is. But I think it is better if you approach this as a time of prayer where your intention is to confess your sins to one another, ask forgiveness of one another and of God together in prayer.
In my experience, this really works. It is very possible to 'reset' your relationship where conversations are enjoyable and do not consist of brief 'cold shoulder' comments are a time bomb waiting to explode into an argument.
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