Would you date someone who’s kid does drugs and alcohol?

[BrotherMike]

Been on 8 dates with this lady and things are going well chemistry wise. I found out this morning her oldest had a relapse in cocaine. Everything was fine as far as peace with that person goes until now. This could potentially be a tough issue to deal with? I know it’s not her choice for her 23 yr old son to do this. How would you handle a situation like this?

 

[MegMarch]

I dated someone whose kids were somewhat out of control. I grew to really love his children, but the dynamics put a lot of stress on our relationship as we became more serious and considered marriage. It was not the reason I ended the relationship, but it definitely presented unique challenges that I'm sure would have only become more difficult as time went on. I knew if we were to get married, we would have to be intentional to not allow it to create divisiveness in the relationship.

 

[Mikhal]

Been on 8 dates with this lady and things are going well chemistry wise. I found out this morning her oldest had a relapse in cocaine. Everything was fine as far as peace with that person goes until now. This could potentially be a tough issue to deal with? I know it’s not her choice for her 23 yr old son to do this. How would you handle a situation like this?

Hi Brother, I definitely would, If it were Apparent that GOD put us together. Having been down a similar path, i can relate to the Demon of addiction and there is ONLY ONE way to get out of it and stay out of it....PERIOD.
How does this Lady react to her sons addiction? Is she a Godly Woman?

 

[ArtsieSteph]

I can understand there be issues with the relationship dynamic after this situation, but I would hope that it would mean that you would actually stand by the ladies side more so during this hard time. But I guess definitely with the stipulation that if you continue in the relationship with the lady, this will be something that you have to deal with.

Kind of try to be supportive but sober minded. Make sense?

 

[Susanna]

No, I wouldn’t.

Addiction is a very serious condition that overrides most of the person suffering from it and the family involved.

It’s a highway to h*ll, to be frank.

When I was a greenhorn law enforcement officer back in the day, I had this extremely naïve mindset that everyone was good deep down somewhere, and if you just was nice and understanding they’d get their act together and turn into law abiding citizens.

Yeah, right...

I have seen way too many kids addicted to drugs that are bullying their families to get money for their daily drug.

Sad.

 

[Lynx]

For me it would all depend on how the lady I have been dating is dealing with the matter. Is she trying to help her son in a way that just helps him keep on destroying himself? Is she cutting the cable and letting him sink or swim? Is she torn up about the matter and not really in a position to do anything about it?

 

[cinder]

A lot of my counsel will be similar to what Lynx says, your relationship is with this woman not her adult son, so how this impacts her is what your focus should be on. I would add that I have one of those mothers who talks tough and intends to do right by her kids, but I also don't think that she's going to let her kids not have a roof over their heads as long as she's able to provide one (we're both out of the house now probably for good but life happens). And so I would advise you to let her tell the story of how it's been with his addiction and in listening you will probably have a good idea of if she's got a good gameplan for dealing with all the crap that comes with having an addicted family member and if she's likely to stick to it. And I'd also say if you decide to stay, then be ready to be someone speaking truth into the situation when she gets confused or guilt tripped by his attempts to manipulate her.

Other than that, what you said makes me think that "peace with this person" is some sort of code for someone who has no major issues in their life. While you are right to recognize the gravity of the situation, if you're looking for a person who's got it all together and has nothing that could be a serious problem down the road, you'll probably be single a long time.

Oh and since no one has said it, I'd pray for a lot of wisdom and that God would give me a very accurate judgement of my own strength so that if and when I decide to stay, I'll be able to see it through.

 

[IFOLLOWHIM]

From experience,I had a son who was severely addicted to meth and herion; it was extremely hard on me! I was married at the time,it kept me heart broken,but had no effect on.my relationship! A mother WILL ALWAYS BE A MOTHER! He has since passed but 7 yrs before,he got clean and gave his life to God! I now have a 22 yr old grandson who is involved in drugs,there came a time where I had to apply tough love( I thought it would kill me). I am no longer married due to the man's fault,but it can take a real tool on the individual parent!
I second the advice pray,listen to God,evaluate then go as the Lord directs! I will be praying for your situation if that's ok?
blessings to you in this trying situation!

 

[BrotherMike]

Thank you guys for your replies, I’ll get back to the questions soon. I have never taken drugs so it’s been difficult to process and you all have some valuable input! Need to get ready for work (12 hour shifts) but I’ll get back as soon as I can. Thank you for your prayers that means a lot to me, I’ll be doing the same.

 

[Mikhal]

Thank you guys for your replies, I’ll get back to the questions soon. I have never taken drugs so it’s been difficult to process and you all have some valuable input! Need to get ready for work (12 hour shifts) but I’ll get back as soon as I can. Thank you for your prayers that means a lot to me, I’ll be doing the same.

Lol, work Safe, Brother. I am leaving for my 5th 12hr night shift in a row, right now 😂... i am LOOOOOPIE 😬, GOD Bless

 

[Mel85]

My thoughts would be similar to what Cinder was advising - to seek the wisdom and guidance of the Holy Spirit to lead you in this.

I also have questions like, how much invested are you with this woman? Are you willing to go all the way with her or not? If you’re just been on dates with her and are not exclusive, would this all matter in the first place?

The most powerful thing you can give the lady right now is your prayers and support, since she will need it most to be able to help her son and like IFOLLOWHIM said, he is her child first and he will always be her son, and if she has a good supportive network behind her, it would make things a little more easier to handle.

All the best bro 💙

 

[BrotherMike]

I dated someone whose kids were somewhat out of control. I grew to really love his children, but the dynamics put a lot of stress on our relationship as we became more serious and considered marriage. It was not the reason I ended the relationship, but it definitely presented unique challenges that I'm sure would have only become more difficult as time went on. I knew if we were to get married, we would have to be intentional to not allow it to create divisiveness in the relationship.

That's where I really need to seek the Holy Spirit and figure out if we should continue from here or not. We have not met each others kids yet since we have only dated 8 times. I could grow to love her children too and in the back of my mind I either need to pursue 110 percent or call it because the more time invested the harder it is to break up. Thank you for your reply!

 

[BrotherMike]

Hi Brother, I definitely would, If it were Apparent that GOD put us together. Having been down a similar path, i can relate to the Demon of addiction and there is ONLY ONE way to get out of it and stay out of it....PERIOD.
How does this Lady react to her sons addiction? Is she a Godly Woman?

Well, from what I can gather, she was taking care of her sick mother and she had them half of the time, however she couldn't handle her kids anymore and the Dad took over a couple or so years ago. Her mom passed away but she has not taken them back half the time. She is a Godly woman and the main reason why I am pursuing her. We also have similar personalities which helps in understanding each other. She does not like conflict, so I am guessing she pushed them away, but I wonder how much effort she put into her son in his addiction. If I was her I would be mama bear and be compassionate yet strict in leading him the right path. I don't know the reasons why he does those things for his escapes... Thanks for your post Bro! It's good to know I'm not alone in the 12 hours shift work lol.

 

[BrotherMike]

I can understand there be issues with the relationship dynamic after this situation, but I would hope that it would mean that you would actually stand by the ladies side more so during this hard time. But I guess definitely with the stipulation that if you continue in the relationship with the lady, this will be something that you have to deal with.

Kind of try to be supportive but sober minded. Make sense?

Yes, it makes sense. It is kind of early and however we were about to make our getting to know each other phase to exclusive but at first when we met she made it seem like he recovered, however she let me know more info that its a serious situation later in the game. I don't want to just abandon her... I told her I am sorry and would pray for her. She then let me know if this will hinder her and I and I said I don't know yet, I need to process, but I definitely will pray. She didn't like that answer, but I didn't know what to say at the time of shock. Thank you for your reply!

 

[BrotherMike]

No, I wouldn’t.

Addiction is a very serious condition that overrides most of the person suffering from it and the family involved.

It’s a highway to h*ll, to be frank.

When I was a greenhorn law enforcement officer back in the day, I had this extremely naïve mindset that everyone was good deep down somewhere, and if you just was nice and understanding they’d get their act together and turn into law abiding citizens.

Yeah, right...

I have seen way too many kids addicted to drugs that are bullying their families to get money for their daily drug.

Sad.

This!!! It's in the back of my mind. I personally have never taken drugs so I don't know what he is going through, I can be compassionate and understanding to a point. My inexperience makes me take a step back and wonder if we should continue with this relationship... As they say whoever you marry, you marry their whole life including family and pets and friends and everything! I'll need to pray about this... Thank you for your reply.

 

[BrotherMike]

For me it would all depend on how the lady I have been dating is dealing with the matter. Is she trying to help her son in a way that just helps him keep on destroying himself? Is she cutting the cable and letting him sink or swim? Is she torn up about the matter and not really in a position to do anything about it?

I don't know... this is something I need to investigate further. From what I can tell she couldn't deal with them anymore, but not really sure what she has done if anything. In the last month I don't even think she has seen them yet, only call and text for a little bit.

 

[MegMarch]

That's where I really need to seek the Holy Spirit and figure out if we should continue from here or not. We have not met each others kids yet since we have only dated 8 times. I could grow to love her children too and in the back of my mind I either need to pursue 110 percent or call it because the more time invested the harder it is to break up. Thank you for your reply!

No problem! Absolutely. I developed a tight bond with his kids because we dated for about 7 months. That, and other reasons, made it very difficult to break up, and I still miss his kids at times. His kids were all under 18, so that is a difference.

I continually went before the Lord for confirmation about the relationship, and I often would not experience peace about it. I knew that was a sign that it was necessary to end the relationship.

 

[BrotherMike]

A lot of my counsel will be similar to what Lynx says, your relationship is with this woman not her adult son, so how this impacts her is what your focus should be on. I would add that I have one of those mothers who talks tough and intends to do right by her kids, but I also don't think that she's going to let her kids not have a roof over their heads as long as she's able to provide one (we're both out of the house now probably for good but life happens). And so I would advise you to let her tell the story of how it's been with his addiction and in listening you will probably have a good idea of if she's got a good gameplan for dealing with all the crap that comes with having an addicted family member and if she's likely to stick to it. And I'd also say if you decide to stay, then be ready to be someone speaking truth into the situation when she gets confused or guilt tripped by his attempts to manipulate her.

Other than that, what you said makes me think that "peace with this person" is some sort of code for someone who has no major issues in their life. While you are right to recognize the gravity of the situation, if you're looking for a person who's got it all together and has nothing that could be a serious problem down the road, you'll probably be single a long time.

Oh and since no one has said it, I'd pray for a lot of wisdom and that God would give me a very accurate judgement of my own strength so that if and when I decide to stay, I'll be able to see it through.

No one is perfect, however we should pray for red flags and figure out if it's something God can give us strength to endure because we all fall short of His glory. I've never had experience with a friend or family member with drug and alcohol addiction, so this is uncharted territory for me. She wants to talk it out and I absolutely want her to share her feelings cause that will help me make a better decision. Thank you for your advice! Lots of good wisdom there

 

[BrotherMike]

For me it would all depend on how the lady I have been dating is dealing with the matter. Is she trying to help her son in a way that just helps him keep on destroying himself? Is she cutting the cable and letting him sink or swim? Is she torn up about the matter and not really in a position to do anything about it?

Also, thank you so much for these questions! gives me things to think and possibly discuss with her.

 

[BrotherMike]

From experience,I had a son who was severely addicted to meth and herion; it was extremely hard on me! I was married at the time,it kept me heart broken,but had no effect on.my relationship! A mother WILL ALWAYS BE A MOTHER! He has since passed but 7 yrs before,he got clean and gave his life to God! I now have a 22 yr old grandson who is involved in drugs,there came a time where I had to apply tough love( I thought it would kill me). I am no longer married due to the man's fault,but it can take a real tool on the individual parent!
I second the advice pray,listen to God,evaluate then go as the Lord directs! I will be praying for your situation if that's ok?
blessings to you in this trying situation!

Indeed a mother will always be a mother! Yes, I can imagine how hard it was on you and her, she is single, however the Dad has all the kids. I also can't imagine because I've never gone through that. I really want to know how much tough love she gave her son or what she even did to help him. Thank you so much for your prayers <3 I will also pray for wisdom and strength, and listen to the Holy Spirit. God is in control!