I met A single mom on Tinder who just started going to a Born Again church for 4 months.

[Venn]

So I met this single mom in Tinder for about 3 months now... in her profile, it reads "I want to be with someone who loves God more than himself and eventually, Love God more than me"... so I was guessing that she is a Christian... or maybe a church leader even. When I visited her Facebook page, she was actually a single mom and that she was still very new in going to church. Our initial conversation was just chatting and after two weeks I started calling her and eventually her calling me sometimes.

When she knew I was a Christian, that was the time she stopped on Tinder and said: "ahh finally someone who is Christian."
She hasn't read the Bible yet so I at least tried to help her with Bible reading and even stating she should read John first... and every time she finishes reading a chapter, I would give a short summary about the verse... after around 3 weeks we finished with John and I gave a whole summary about it.
Around 2 weeks ago we also finished Matthew as well.

So after all this time, I still didn't court her yet but we had a lot in common and talk to the phone for like every day and eventually did video calls as well. I tried to be as honest as I can be in our conversations and even told about my pasts and negatives... she somehow still accepted for what I am and am sensing attraction in our conversations as she is always happy to hear from me or even call me (I think?). Sometimes she would be the one to initiate the call as well.

I told her everything about me being kind of a shut-in (or NEET), and that I am a bit weird which she still does accept for who I am. I sing songs for her every day (in the phone because she requested it) and even write poems although not really hinting that it's directed to her I also have a feeling that she kinda gets the signal (or so I think?)... she even records them in her phone and sometimes let her child listen to it (who I also talk on the phone sometimes in calls and video calls listen to my poems and me singing).

After around 3 months we decided that we will meet each other since we only have a 45-minute distance to each other... She did ask me if anything was going to change after we meet and I was confused and asked even further. And then she was even worried that if my parents found out that I am talking to a single mom, she might get judged by them and even asked me:

"so will there be changes after we meet I wonder? Like maybe old habits will die... The way we used to do every day, every night, every now and then... The chats, late convos... I am really just afraid your parents will judge me just because I am a single mom... it happened with my ex before and is the reason why we broke up.... depression is no joke at all and it really affected me before... but I am strong after all... and I am willing for that to happen all over again."

I don't know if I was too assuming? But the way she texts... the way her voice sounds during calls... it feels like she is attracted at least? Or is this all in my imagination and I am just assuming she is attracted to me?

During the day when we were meeting, her daughter was confused why all of a sudden she was going to go somewhere without her as she always is with her every time she goes to the city. Also, she created an alibi to her mother (which takes care of her daughter while she is away). I forgot to mention that they are 1 hour apart from travel with her daughter and is living in an apartment near her workplace... she works 6 days a week as a sales clerk and only has 1 day off a week. In 1 month, she can only afford to go home twice in every 2 weeks as a travel fee is costly for her.

I was kind of hesitant as I did have phobias in past meetups with women because it's either I get ghosted or get slowly faded... the good thing on those women was I did not invest that much feelings for them so I didn't even get hurt. So we met in person, shaken hands, talked a lot about what we usually talked on the phone and This case, on the other hand, I do have feelings for her though I did not tell her about it yet at that time. When we did meet, it was kind of awkward at first and then I acted a little weird due to anxiety. We had a little Bible Study after that and even prayed together before leaving.

I always checked to see if some behavior has changed after our meeting... just right after the meeting, it all felt fine until the way she texts kinda changes... there's no usual smiley or that her texts felt kinda bland (or at least I thought it was kind of bland). During our conversations, we were always as honest as possible... though we never really opened up about what we feel for each other. But she did compare me to her ex a lot of times but she also assures that she has already moved on as it was already 2 years ago and they never spoke again...

So in the first day after the meeting, I sensed a small change in her behavior and I was asking what was wrong... she felt guilty that she lied to her mom and left her daughter having to spend some time with me. She had a heavy heart already even before we met. I told her that we are never doing things like this again.

She also told me about why she is afraid of my parents. It was because of her ex's parents that told them to break up with her because she is a single mom. And that because she was a single mom is what caused her parents and relatives to ultimately cause their relationship to break up. So she is afraid at some point that my parents will know that I am communicating with her... but she did say that she is "strong enough to fight it and is willing to go for it all over again if she has to"... I am not sure what it means... maybe you guys can translate?

So the next few days, the texts and calls got lesser and lesser as I was expecting and I was asking her about it again... and this is where I got a taste of how she is when she is angry:

(COPIED TEXT FROM HER)
"Why are you acting like this? you treat me like I am not your friend anymore and I came to a thought of "what are we?". Every day, I feel like you oblige me to respond to every message and call. Which is I don't know what you want to happen between the two of us? You care for me too much that I don't even know how to label it. If you don't have plans for me then put please put some boundaries.

It is annoying to the point that you are acting like a boyfriend which in fact you are not. I won't say it's okay cause it's really not. It's almost getting creepy like you will ask how busy I am, what time this and that, you are acting like my ex when we were together... not when he was still courting me. He is acting like you are right now when we were together and it became worse day by day.
It's almost I can't breathe... It is suffocating actually. It's like I don't have a will of my own... It's like every hour and every minute I have to update. I mean you are not even in a relationship yet and you are acting like that... how much more if you do get a relationship?

We have our own world... there are things that need privacy. Even husbands and wives should put a little space that respect and trust remains. We can't evolve our attention to one thing only. Everyone has their own life. The more you hold on to something, the more it slips, The more it loosens... and You are too innocent to realize that.

That doesn't mean that you cut the connection, you have just let them breathe. If living a sheltered innocent life is what you chose, then live with that if you are happy with it. No need to change your self just to please everybody. I hope in a way, you get my point. Anyways... what's bygone is bygone... May God bless you and your holy mind.

After that, I was speechless and labeled myself with one sentence: CLINGY EVEN WHEN STILL NOT IN A RELATIONSHIP WITH HER. I was speechless because I thought she was okay with it... I didn't notice that I was getting annoying... or maybe I was just basing it to the tone of her voice from the calls/video calls, I posted a long list of "sorry for not noticing" and eventually told her what I felt for her but she just said, "just sleep".

And as of this writing, this is pretty much what happened between the two of us... hope you guys can give me your input on how to deal with the situation and hopefully I can sleep well tonight... I have a high chance of getting 3 AM Thoughts all over again as I have anxiety... but here's to me I get a good night's sleep. I prayed to God that night asking what just happened... prayed to him to heal me as my ego and feelings were really hurt... that I thought I was doing the right thing but not anymore.

 

[Subhumanoidal]

@Venn

It is more than likely she is emotionally damaged, perhaps more than she even realizes it. And chances are there is more in her past to explain it than she's shared with you.

First things first you have to decide what You want out of all this. You seem to be hovering around the edges and not making anything clear about how Exactly you feel or what you hope happens. It sounds as if you're content with having a close role, but without any official labels.
That's off putting when you don't clearly express yourself. Make where you stand and what your goal is obvious.
The doing so to an emotionally damaged person makes it even worse. Emotionally healthy people will confront you or leave you behind. Emotionally damaged people typically react out of fear and this causes overreactions and seemingly bizarre responses. Usually the motives behind the bizarre reactions are valid, just poorly expressed.

Perhaps if you find yourself ghosted or faded, look at yourself. There's either a problem with A) the type of women you choose, or B) how you interact with women. If you are typically this emotionally aloof and distant that is likely the primary culprit.

I have both anxiety and depression and I know how these can get in the way, but I've also had to learn to work around them in relationships. Being upfront and honest about your anxiety and how it affects you is a genuinely great move as it can help explain any odd behaviors that arise from it.
But sometimes people need reminded and assured. Especially someone with emotional damage. So you have to keep an eye out if the other person seemes to change suddenly. And think back as to when that change seemed to arise and figure out which of your words or behaviors may have affected them, then discuss it and reassure them.

I've also observed such women feel much guilt over small things. And often are, or have been in the past, controlled by others. And control isn't always obvious as control.

I've been with numerous emotionally damaged women and I have to say, not one has worked out in the long run. And most were better off emotionally after we dated and I believe that's actually why they left.
So taking all this in you need to decide what you want. If you want to stay where you're at but work towards something more serious, tell her.
But she sounds Very similar to many women I've dated. So there's a high probability she will be very committed for a time, then a sudden break away for reasons not actually your fault.

 

[MegMarch]

Man. I’m sorry. To simplify the messages, I interpret that as she is duplicitously controlling and yet wants space. Acting with integrity would be to respect that need for space.

However, she didn’t communicate that to you in a very mature or respectful way, which you should be treated with as well. It seems like she has a way to go in what it means to have a healthy relationship.

Lastly, I don’t think it usually takes a man 3 or 4 months to express their interest romantically if they are ready for a relationship, and even if they aren’t sometimes. If a man I am interested in doesn’t express it to me within a reasonable amount of time, I categorize him as a friend and move on.

 

[Subhumanoidal]

Lastly, I don’t think it usually takes a man 3 or 4 months to express their interest romantically if they are ready for a relationship, and even if they aren’t sometimes. If a man I am interested in doesn’t express it to me within a reasonable amount of time, I categorize him as a friend and move on.

Not everyone treats dating like a race. There Are some people that prefer going slow and building a foundation of solid friendship first, before expressing romantic interests.
I'd rather get to know someone and make sure they are worth investing in emotionally and romantically than invest in someone emotionally and romantically then getting to know them.

 

[MegMarch]

Not everyone treats dating like a race. There Are some people that prefer going slow and building a foundation of solid friendship first, before expressing romantic interests.
I'd rather get to know someone and make sure they are worth investing in emotionally and romantically than invest in someone emotionally and romantically then getting to know them.

I don’t treat it like a race. If the guy expresses interest later, and the timing works out, then good deal. But I don’t assume that he is if he didn’t express it within a reasonable amount of time.

 

[tourist]

I commend you for the considerable effort trying to develop a relationship and having the courage to actually meet her in person. The most telling aspect of her reply was her emphasis that you were not her boyfriend. What some women may find clingy other women or the right woman may find enduring. I see this whole situation as a major positive step forward for you in considering and pursuing a possible relationship. My take is that this woman has serious issues from her past that she has not worked out. She is what is known as high maintenance. You are moving forward and don't have time for her drama. My counsel is to chalk it up as an educational experience and cut her loose. It's her loss and not yours. That's the way it goes sometimes. I have been there, done that and bought the T-shirt in relationships. All is fair in love and war.

 

[tourist]

I don’t treat it like a race. If the guy expresses interest later, and the timing works out, then good deal. But I don’t assume that he is if he didn’t express it within a reasonable amount of time.

My reasonable amount of time is probably a week. Your either into someone or you're not.

 

[17Bees]

What can I say Venn. You sound like a good guy. A really good guy. You sound caring and thoughtful, but you also sound like a guy that seems to bring some kind of fault back to your own yourself. Like you take the blame for her acting all squirrely . Or it's your fault for her feeling smothered. But I'm just going to be straight up with you in saying that your anxiety about this is a snake. It's forked tongue tells you lies and it pays your success with worry. And to me, your OP indeed was about her, but your message screamed uncertainty, uneasiness, angst and turmoil.

Sometimes these two things can be confused - this woman you like and the negative feelings you feel - and it makes your feelings more intense for both.

So - what can I say Venn. You are who you are. A pretty good guy. Thoughtful and caring. You take on the sin of the world! These are good, sound traits. You are Peter the Rock. So relax. Take stock of your strengths and do your best to ignore the snake and let it be what will be. Que sera sera. Women.... people, really..... seek strength in others.

 

[morefaithrequired]

you come across as a genuine soul and one deserving of decent companionship. not sure about the lady. the post was a bit too long for my short attention span.
but i do feel for single mums in general. life can be very tough and lonely.

 

[G00WZ]

@Venn

You kind-of spread yourself on a bit thick with the singing,poems and all the phone calls. She requested that you sing songs to her everyday? wow... From what i can tell, she was pretty much using you for bible study times, social times, and the attention you gave. You even got used as a surrogate father for those calls to her child for a bit too. In these type of relationships its about what they can get out of you mostly.. Consider it a blessing you got out of it. Block her on everything, because she will try to contact you after a while if you don't say anything. And ultimately enjoy life, freedom, because a relationship with this one would be a twisted disaster.

As for worrying about what she said and questioning yourself don't worry about it. Yes some of the things you did were both kind-of clingy and cringy, but you do what you do. Some women like those types, some don't, it is what it is. Also you can't have growth without making mistakes in life, just learn from it. I would take some time working on me before going for a new relationship or before trying to establish one with a woman though. That way you don't come off as so clingy and demanding with all your eggs in one basket.

 

[Venn]

Thank you for all your responses... may God Bless all of you. I am so glad I posted my dilemma here. And yes... I did my best. I told myself, what better way to express your interest and love for her than helping her grow. But instead I came off as creepy and needy which is a big turn off for women or so others said.

Hopefully I can change for the better and act not as needy and clingy or cringy as some of you said here.

 

[G00WZ]

Thank you for all your responses... may God Bless all of you. I am so glad I posted my dilemma here. And yes... I did my best. I told myself, what better way to express your interest and love for her than helping her grow. But instead I came off as creepy and needy which is a big turn off for women or so others said.

Hopefully I can change for the better and act not as needy and clingy or cringy as some of you said here.

You'll get there and it's not really so much about behavior modification though. When you know the value you add to others you won't be like that as much. I know because i used to be like that when i was younger, kinda needy.. So yea with that stay easy and don't worry about it, you did your best and you are learning, we all are.

 

[morefaithrequired]

"kinda needy" Its sad if we lose all of that though. I dont think I will ever be completely independant. I did have dreams of being the ice cool ultra un-needy Buddhist once. It never eventuated. Now Im the slightly needy Christian. Seems to be more realistic.

 

[Wilde]

Great title for the next episode of Jerry Springer

 

[Mel85]

Hi Venn. Thanks for opening and sharing your testimony. I commend you for being honest and vulnerable on here.

There are some really good advice and discernment that have been given in this thread already, I just want to encourage you to trust in the Lord (Proverbs 3: 5-6) things don’t work out for a reason and perhaps this will be a good time for her to draw closer to God - obviously being a single mother or father is a hard role but clearly she has a few things she needs to let go of and let God.

I wish you all the best.

 

[LittleMermaid]

The key to not acting needy, cringey, or clingy is to get a life of your own. I noticed she mentioned that you were sheltered and you yourself said you're a shut in. You need to go out more. Make friends and participate in activities. I know it's easier said than done. I have social anxiety so I understand. But I'm not looking for a relationship right now. I know I probably would be needy because I'm not living life like how I would want to. Until I get there, I'm okay with being single.

You have to think about what you can offer a lady. Are you interesting to talk to? What do you know about? Do you have a job where you could chat about your work day? Do you have a good enough job to support her and her child?

I could be wrong, but it seems to me that you need to put yourself out there first, work on your anxiety, and cultivate your hobbies. For example, if you like cooking, take a class. That would make you more interesting and you're cultivating your hobby. You need to have a life. This way, when you do meet a woman that you like, you won't drown her in attention. Girls like attention, but not that much! If it becomes overwhelming, we get freaked out. Don't talk to her everyday. Give her space.

 

[Lafftur]

So I met this single mom in Tinder for about 3 months now... in her profile, it reads "I want to be with someone who loves God more than himself and eventually, Love God more than me"... so I was guessing that she is a Christian... or maybe a church leader even. When I visited her Facebook page, she was actually a single mom and that she was still very new in going to church. Our initial conversation was just chatting and after two weeks I started calling her and eventually her calling me sometimes.

When she knew I was a Christian, that was the time she stopped on Tinder and said: "ahh finally someone who is Christian."
She hasn't read the Bible yet so I at least tried to help her with Bible reading and even stating she should read John first... and every time she finishes reading a chapter, I would give a short summary about the verse... after around 3 weeks we finished with John and I gave a whole summary about it.
Around 2 weeks ago we also finished Matthew as well.

So after all this time, I still didn't court her yet but we had a lot in common and talk to the phone for like every day and eventually did video calls as well. I tried to be as honest as I can be in our conversations and even told about my pasts and negatives... she somehow still accepted for what I am and am sensing attraction in our conversations as she is always happy to hear from me or even call me (I think?). Sometimes she would be the one to initiate the call as well.

I told her everything about me being kind of a shut-in (or NEET), and that I am a bit weird which she still does accept for who I am. I sing songs for her every day (in the phone because she requested it) and even write poems although not really hinting that it's directed to her I also have a feeling that she kinda gets the signal (or so I think?)... she even records them in her phone and sometimes let her child listen to it (who I also talk on the phone sometimes in calls and video calls listen to my poems and me singing).

After around 3 months we decided that we will meet each other since we only have a 45-minute distance to each other... She did ask me if anything was going to change after we meet and I was confused and asked even further. And then she was even worried that if my parents found out that I am talking to a single mom, she might get judged by them and even asked me:

"so will there be changes after we meet I wonder? Like maybe old habits will die... The way we used to do every day, every night, every now and then... The chats, late convos... I am really just afraid your parents will judge me just because I am a single mom... it happened with my ex before and is the reason why we broke up.... depression is no joke at all and it really affected me before... but I am strong after all... and I am willing for that to happen all over again."

I don't know if I was too assuming? But the way she texts... the way her voice sounds during calls... it feels like she is attracted at least? Or is this all in my imagination and I am just assuming she is attracted to me?

During the day when we were meeting, her daughter was confused why all of a sudden she was going to go somewhere without her as she always is with her every time she goes to the city. Also, she created an alibi to her mother (which takes care of her daughter while she is away). I forgot to mention that they are 1 hour apart from travel with her daughter and is living in an apartment near her workplace... she works 6 days a week as a sales clerk and only has 1 day off a week. In 1 month, she can only afford to go home twice in every 2 weeks as a travel fee is costly for her.

I was kind of hesitant as I did have phobias in past meetups with women because it's either I get ghosted or get slowly faded... the good thing on those women was I did not invest that much feelings for them so I didn't even get hurt. So we met in person, shaken hands, talked a lot about what we usually talked on the phone and This case, on the other hand, I do have feelings for her though I did not tell her about it yet at that time. When we did meet, it was kind of awkward at first and then I acted a little weird due to anxiety. We had a little Bible Study after that and even prayed together before leaving.

I always checked to see if some behavior has changed after our meeting... just right after the meeting, it all felt fine until the way she texts kinda changes... there's no usual smiley or that her texts felt kinda bland (or at least I thought it was kind of bland). During our conversations, we were always as honest as possible... though we never really opened up about what we feel for each other. But she did compare me to her ex a lot of times but she also assures that she has already moved on as it was already 2 years ago and they never spoke again...

So in the first day after the meeting, I sensed a small change in her behavior and I was asking what was wrong... she felt guilty that she lied to her mom and left her daughter having to spend some time with me. She had a heavy heart already even before we met. I told her that we are never doing things like this again.

She also told me about why she is afraid of my parents. It was because of her ex's parents that told them to break up with her because she is a single mom. And that because she was a single mom is what caused her parents and relatives to ultimately cause their relationship to break up. So she is afraid at some point that my parents will know that I am communicating with her... but she did say that she is "strong enough to fight it and is willing to go for it all over again if she has to"... I am not sure what it means... maybe you guys can translate?

So the next few days, the texts and calls got lesser and lesser as I was expecting and I was asking her about it again... and this is where I got a taste of how she is when she is angry:

(COPIED TEXT FROM HER)
"Why are you acting like this? you treat me like I am not your friend anymore and I came to a thought of "what are we?". Every day, I feel like you oblige me to respond to every message and call. Which is I don't know what you want to happen between the two of us? You care for me too much that I don't even know how to label it. If you don't have plans for me then put please put some boundaries.

It is annoying to the point that you are acting like a boyfriend which in fact you are not. I won't say it's okay cause it's really not. It's almost getting creepy like you will ask how busy I am, what time this and that, you are acting like my ex when we were together... not when he was still courting me. He is acting like you are right now when we were together and it became worse day by day.
It's almost I can't breathe... It is suffocating actually. It's like I don't have a will of my own... It's like every hour and every minute I have to update. I mean you are not even in a relationship yet and you are acting like that... how much more if you do get a relationship?

We have our own world... there are things that need privacy. Even husbands and wives should put a little space that respect and trust remains. We can't evolve our attention to one thing only. Everyone has their own life. The more you hold on to something, the more it slips, The more it loosens... and You are too innocent to realize that.

That doesn't mean that you cut the connection, you have just let them breathe. If living a sheltered innocent life is what you chose, then live with that if you are happy with it. No need to change your self just to please everybody. I hope in a way, you get my point. Anyways... what's bygone is bygone... May God bless you and your holy mind.

After that, I was speechless and labeled myself with one sentence: CLINGY EVEN WHEN STILL NOT IN A RELATIONSHIP WITH HER. I was speechless because I thought she was okay with it... I didn't notice that I was getting annoying... or maybe I was just basing it to the tone of her voice from the calls/video calls, I posted a long list of "sorry for not noticing" and eventually told her what I felt for her but she just said, "just sleep".

And as of this writing, this is pretty much what happened between the two of us... hope you guys can give me your input on how to deal with the situation and hopefully I can sleep well tonight... I have a high chance of getting 3 AM Thoughts all over again as I have anxiety... but here's to me I get a good night's sleep. I prayed to God that night asking what just happened... prayed to him to heal me as my ego and feelings were really hurt... that I thought I was doing the right thing but not anymore.

Sorry, my thoughts are.....RUN!!!! Sounds like a “narcissist”!!!! RUN AS FAST AS YOU CAN AWAY FROM THAT PERSON!!!!

 

[Venn]

@Venn
It is more than likely she is emotionally damaged, perhaps more than she even realizes it. And chances are there is more in her past to explain it than she's shared with you.

Man. I’m sorry. To simplify the messages, I interpret that as she is duplicitously controlling and yet wants space. Acting with integrity would be to respect that need for space.

I commend you for the considerable effort trying to develop a relationship and having the courage to actually meet her in person.

What can I say Venn. You sound like a good guy. A really good guy. You sound caring and thoughtful, but you also sound like a guy that seems to bring some kind of fault back to your own yourself.

you come across as a genuine soul and one deserving of decent companionship. not sure about the lady. the post was a bit too long for my short attention span.

@Venn
You kind-of spread yourself on a bit thick with the singing,poems and all the phone calls. She requested that you sing songs to her everyday? wow... From what i can tell, she was pretty much using you for bible study times, social times, and the attention you gave.

Hi Venn. Thanks for opening and sharing your testimony. I commend you for being honest and vulnerable on here.

So I sent her this Email/Long Chat on Messenger

Hello (Her), and Good Afternoon!

I am captivated by you and cherish every moment I get to spend with you. I am obviously inexperienced at adult relationships and deeply apologize for misleading you before... I love you. Of course I want a relationship with you. To imply anything less than that would be a complete falsehood.

I appreciate that you were direct with me earlier and I’m afraid you were right - I wanted the intimacy and closeness of a relationship without making the commitment to vulnerability that that level of relationship requires, and for that I am deeply sorry. You must have felt misled when my actions and words didn’t line up, and I’m entirely at fault. I’d like to make it up to you, to start over and let our relationship reset.

If possible we could go together again sometime? Not as a friend, but as my date - a fresh start for both of us. I’m more than willing to meet your family and Kzee ahead of time if you’d like, or wait until you’re comfortable. I’m not afraid of tackling the hard conversations because you are a person worth wading through the hard conversations for.

I also miss our times when we have our Bible Studies… what better way to show the person you love than helping her grow with the Bible and how to be with Christ Likeness. I wanted it to become a Christ Center Relationship like all Following Believing Christians do.

If I have misread your intentions and this comes across as overbearing or pushy, please know that wasn’t my intention. Rather, I have been unclear in the past - to both you and myself - about what I want. I would like to start changing that.

If you would like to just be friends, perhaps we can after a period of time has passed to allow my pride to recover haha, but just know that’s also something I’m more than willing to work with. Just a friendship with you is better than nothing.

I Love You...

Yours truly,
(Me)

Tell me what you guys think.

 

[morefaithrequired]

I applaud your writing/communication skills. A very thoughtful, considerate style.

 

[Venn]

I applaud your writing/communication skills. A very thoughtful, considerate style.

thank you... I actually had it guided using Grammarly. Being a content writer and SEO has its perks ^_^