The church has torn my husband and I apart

[blue_ladybug]

DO NOT have kids with this guy!! Or if you already do, DO NOT sign a post nup. I've never even heard of one of those.

I agree with most of the advice given by others here. His insistence on going to his church, where his ex goes, yeah that's a big red flag. So is the fact that he wants sole control over where any kids would be going to church..

I would flat out tell him that you're NOT signing a post nup agreement. He's trying to control you, and control where you go to church and he's trying to control where future kids would go to church.

As many have said, he's a control freak. If he's trying to control where you go to church, what will he control next? How you dress, what you eat, who you talk to? GET OUT while you can.

 

[Locoponydirtman]

Thank you everyone for you advise and input. An update on my situation: we have filed for divorce but he is still wanting to see if we can save our marriage. His compromise is that we go to his church twice a month and a church of my choice twice a month, but he wants our kids raised pentacostal.
My idea of a compromise is to find a nondenominational church we can both enjoy to join and raise our kids in and once they are old enough they can choose if they want to go to a church of a different denomination. He refuses to go to a nondenominational church every week and raise our children in a nondenominational church.
Which comprise makes the most sense?

No, as bullish as his history is, it sounds like a way to eventually press everyone back to his church. He wants to reconcile with out repentance.
The non-denominational church is a better idea, but not best.

 

[Paige_L]

DO NOT have kids with this guy!! Or if you already do, DO NOT sign a post nup. I've never even heard of one of those.

I agree with most of the advice given by others here. His insistence on going to his church, where his ex goes, yeah that's a big red flag. So is the fact that he wants sole control over where any kids would be going to church..

I would flat out tell him that you're NOT signing a post nup agreement. He's trying to control you, and control where you go to church and he's trying to control where future kids would go to church.

As many have said, he's a control freak. If he's trying to control where you go to church, what will he control next? How you dress, what you eat, who you talk to? GET OUT while you can.

He tells me that he is the one who has to answer to God for how the children are raised so he needs to be the one to decide where they go to church. The past couple of weeks has been a roller coaster. One moment he is nice and sweet and wants to stay married, but the second I tell him im only willing to go to a nondenominational church we both like he flips out.

 

[blue_ladybug]

He tells me that he is the one who has to answer to God for how the children are raised so he needs to be the one to decide where they go to church. The past couple of weeks has been a roller coaster. One moment he is nice and sweet and wants to stay married, but the second I tell him im only willing to go to a nondenominational church we both like he flips out.

He's showing his true colors. Nice ans sweet one minute, so that you won't divorce him, then flipping out the next minute because you disagree with him.. Typical behavior of a control freak. This won't end well if you stay. You'll be sacrificing your happiness and life in order to allow him to keep control..

 

[Paige_L]

No, as bullish as his history is, it sounds like a way to eventually press everyone back to his church. He wants to reconcile with out repentance.
The non-denominational church is a better idea, but not best.

He tells me that going to a nondenominational church is not a good compromise, I see it as the best way for us to both get what we need. My husband is desperate for his father's affection and I see only thing he praises my husband for is going to the church he found.

 

[blue_ladybug]

He tells me that going to a nondenominational church is not a good compromise, I see it as the best way for us to both get what we need. My husband is desperate for his father's affection and I see only thing he praises my husband for is going to the church he found.

That makes this situation even worse, since he's trying to impress his father to get his affection. Thing is, he probably never had his dad's affection to begin with, and never will. He's basically just trying to show his dad that he CAN control his family, just like his dad does. Is his father a control freak too?

 

[Locoponydirtman]

He tells me that going to a nondenominational church is not a good compromise, I see it as the best way for us to both get what we need. My husband is desperate for his father's affection and I see only thing he praises my husband for is going to the church he found.

Would he lose his wife to appease his father? May be this is another sign of how out of line that church is.

 

[Locoponydirtman]

He tells me that he is the one who has to answer to God for how the children are raised so he needs to be the one to decide where they go to church. The past couple of weeks has been a roller coaster. One moment he is nice and sweet and wants to stay married, but the second I tell him im only willing to go to a nondenominational church we both like he flips out.

Don't sound repentant to me.
He should have married another heretic if that's what he wanted.

 

[Locoponydirtman]

He's showing his true colors. Nice ans sweet one minute, so that you won't divorce him, then flipping out the next minute because you disagree with him.. Typical behavior of a control freak. This won't end well if you stay. You'll be sacrificing your happiness and life in order to allow him to keep control..

Can we say sociopath?

 

[blue_ladybug]

Would he lose his wife to appease his father? May be this is another sign of how out of line that church is.

Referring to the part in red, if he's that desperate for daddy's affection, then he probaly doesn't really care if he loses her or not..

 

[Paige_L]

His father is very controlling. His father is an ex drug and alcohol addict and got clean when he found church. His mother was a Catholic but his dad said that if he was going to attend church and get clean that it would be the church he chooses. His mother has told me that the reason her and her husband never ride in the same car is because when the boys were young their dad did not like when they were loud, so to compromise she would drive the boys and he would take his own car. The boys are all grown but they just continue to ride separetly.
I could go on and on about about how his father is.
His mom just goes along with whatever the dad does (never leaving him even though he has had many affairs and continues to have affairs).
My husband idolozes his father and doesn't see anything he has done as being wrong.
My husband's 2 brothers have found girlfriends who are a lot like their mother, they go along with whatever their boyfriends want, live with them before marriage, lets them get away with cheating, and does anything they can to keep their boyfriend happy.
So I'm kinda the odd man out with his family.

 

[Paige_L]

I'm sure people are wondering why I married him in the first place, but I didn't know all these things about his past before, he kept it very private and led me to believe we had similar upbringings. Before we got married he told me we would attend nondenominational churches (we were members of one together during our engagement) and told my dad the same thing. Everything was great until about 6 months ago when he started to change and I heard more about his past.

 

[blue_ladybug]

I'm sure people are wondering why I married him in the first place, but I didn't know all these things about his past before, he kept it very private and led me to believe we had similar upbringings. Before we got married he told me we would attend nondenominational churches (we were members of one together during our engagement) and told my dad the same thing. Everything was great until about 6 months ago when he started to change and I heard more about his past.

Yeah, people can be sneaky when they're in a relationship and hide their true selves until after the wedding. But also, people can be foolish and not make it their mission to find out EVERYTHING about their mate before, too.. Too many just rush right into marriage before really finding out what their partner really is.

Anyhoo, now that we know more about his parents, I must say that children learn what they live. Your hubby obviously is repeating the same pattern of his parents. If I were you, I would look at his parents as if they were a mirror, and then you'll be able to see what your reality will become if you stay in this marriage..

 

[blue_ladybug]

His father is very controlling. His father is an ex drug and alcohol addict and got clean when he found church. His mother was a Catholic but his dad said that if he was going to attend church and get clean that it would be the church he chooses. His mother has told me that the reason her and her husband never ride in the same car is because when the boys were young their dad did not like when they were loud, so to compromise she would drive the boys and he would take his own car. The boys are all grown but they just continue to ride separetly.
I could go on and on about about how his father is.
His mom just goes along with whatever the dad does (never leaving him even though he has had many affairs and continues to have affairs).
My husband idolozes his father and doesn't see anything he has done as being wrong.
My husband's 2 brothers have found girlfriends who are a lot like their mother, they go along with whatever their boyfriends want, live with them before marriage, lets them get away with cheating, and does anything they can to keep their boyfriend happy.
So I'm kinda the odd man out with his family.

This explains alot regarding his parents and siblings, and their collective mindsets. Hubby has no intention of changing, he doesn't know how to. He and his siblings have literally had their lives mapped out by their dad..

That whole family, your hubby included, doesn't sound very Christian to me.. OF COURSE you're the "odd man out". That's because YOU are the only normal person in this entire family.. You need to do what's right for you, because they aren't gonna change. They will make you change, and you'll end up lonely and unhappy and wishing you had left him when you had the chance..

 

[Paige_L]

Thank y'all so much for helping me feel strong in my decision. These replies confirm what I was thinking, I just wanted to make sure I wasn't off base.

 

[blue_ladybug]

Thank y'all so much for helping me feel strong in my decision. These replies confirm what I was thinking, I just wanted to make sure I wasn't off base.

Well, I'm proud of you. You realize that this mess is only going to get more and more ugly. So many who have come here with similar stories, end up giving in to please their partner, and they remain miserable because of it..

 

[blue_ladybug]

Oh, and by the way, it isn't the church that tore you and your husband apart. He and his family did, with their narcissistic, controlling, and enabling behaviors..

 

[3angelsmsg]

Hi Paige_L, I am very relief that you have separated with your husband.

The problem that I see, is probably the fact that your husband never saw good example of christian living in his childhood and he never truly came to repentance yet. He never experience the peace of God in his life.

To me, this is certainly not a lost case, but it will need lots of patience on your side. And it is depended on your husband if he wants to change. God has done all He could now it is up to us to decide.

And the word says in 1 Cor 10:13, that is no temptation to heavy for you to bear, and God will give you the wisdom and understanding to handle the situation in your life. And you can still be happy in your marriage. Your happiness is not dependent on your spouse. Even if you are unequally yoke.

If you understand who you are in Christ, no man can take your happiness or joy away. And even, when you separated. Show the love of God towards him and speak with love and take from God what you have need of "love", "peace", money or whatever it is. And taking from God means to pray. And share the love which God deposits in you if others and you will be able to face any trail.

And remember in your consciousness that you are created being of God. Many will come and say hurtful things to you and do things to discourage you, but if you know that whatever is being said to you are said to God, because everything belongs to God and you too yourself.

Try not to take anything personally that his family might say about you. But remember that what they do to do, they are actually doing it to God. Keep that in mind.

May God give you will the wisdom you need. Amen.

 

[Locoponydirtman]

Referring to the part in red, if he's that desperate for daddy's affection, then he probaly doesn't really care if he loses her or not..

And isn't ready for a wife.

 

[3angelsmsg]

Hi Paige_L, sometimes God allows difficult times in our life. It is to draw us closer to Him.

“Could Christians realize how many times the Lord has ordered their way that the purposes of the enemy concerning them might not be accomplished, they would not stumble along complainingly. Their faith would be stayed on God, and no trial would have power to move them.”

“All that has perplexed us in the providences of God will in the world to come be made plain. The things hard to be understood will then find explanation. The mysteries of grace will enfold before us. Where our finite minds discovered only confusion and broken promises, we shall see the most perfect and beautiful harmony. We shall know that infinite love ordered the experiences that seemed most trying.”

May you experience the closeness of the Lord.