How Many More People Would Be Married Right Now If It Wasn't For Long Distances?

[1ofthem]

(To the tune of Cotton-Eyed Joe)

If it hadn't been for the distance to go
I'd have been married a long time ago
I wouldn't travel, I was too slow
So I'm still single, cause I wouldn't go


Aside from that, I have nothing to contribute. I have no idea what I would do for a long distance affaire-de-coeur. It would all depend on what is required, my resources, her resources and how much each of us are doing to surmount the difficulties.

Oh my goodness...Now that's just too funny. LOL

 

[1ofthem]

I've just recently (2 days a go) had a three year, long distance relationship end. It hurts, but is most likely for the best. I guess, you end up learning a lot about someone through a long distance relationship. I would say if you let a long distance relationship go on long distance for too long it is doomed. Eventually someone has to take a step forward or it's gonna be 2 steps back. I guess that's one thing I've learned from it.

 

[CharliRenee]

My oldest daughter, princess kitten, married a man in the service. They only knew each other through skype. Both his mother and myself supported their decision but were clear that we wished they would wait and get to know each other offline, face to face. They plowed forward and got married.

The first 2 - 3 years were very tumultuous and toxic, to say the least. They did, however, increase their family of 3 to now a family of four, but fought in a war like manner pretty consistently. They are now seeking lots of Christian counseling, learning how to manage both of their needs to control the every move of the other.

They finally seem to be learning how to get along, thanks be to God. He is in SK, though. She is here with me for 5 more months or so. They do so well on Skype.

I think relationships are challenging when in close proximity. Distance can be quite problematic but not beyond traveling to unity, lol.

I guess my answer would be it depends on the scenario. If a healthy, patient and loyal man of God (let's dream big...who made me laugh), somehow miraculously showed up wanting my heart, I would think neither of us would let distance be an obstacle greater than whatever God had in store.


Do I even want that... I don't even know. I am perfectly fine most days as it is.

Do I think that will happen...probably not as I am not seeking in anyway. I am just working and going about my life seeking God.

I think that table for one will most probably be my future and that is more than ok.

 

[CharliRenee]

I've just recently (2 days a go) had a three year, long distance relationship end. It hurts, but is most likely for the best. I guess, you end up learning a lot about someone through a long distance relationship. I would say if you let a long distance relationship go on long distance for too long it is doomed. Eventually someone has to take a step forward or it's gonna be 2 steps back. I guess that's one thing I've learned from it.

Oh ouch ouch ouch. I am so sorry. You sound so reasonable, though. Hugs and I will pray for you and your hurt heart and his too.

 

[seoulsearch]

For me (in everything, relationships, living quarters, job opportunities, you name it) it seems to work best to not even try to predict God's direction. Don't even TRY to tell the difference: Just keep going in life and see what happens. If something is wrong God will let me know. He has before. In the meantime it is exhausting to ask "Is this what God wants?" every time a situation comes up. I ask God sometimes, but if God doesn't tell me anything then worrying just wears me out. I'll put in an application if I want the job, but then I'll pray if it's where I should be let it go through, but if that's not a good place for me then let it fall through. Whatever happens, happens. If what happens is not what I want, life goes on.

It really helps that I don't feel I need a relationship RIGHT NOW and I can afford to wait. I don't have to try to pressure God into making it happen or anticipate which way I should jump to land in the relationship that would be perfect for me.

Of course I'm still single, so some people would consider that a relationship failure. But I have dodged a lot of bullets...

I really like that this answer provided a basic template not just for the subject at hand, but really for all of life.

One of my personal struggles is coming from the background of a childhood church which basically taught that miracles died with the apostles, and another church in my young adulthood which pretty much believed in asking God if anything and everything was His will ("Lord, what color scarf should I wear today?")

I knew someone who actually asked God that in all sincerity because she felt the Lord had prompted her to give a piece of clothing to someone one day, and because of that, she believed that she should ask everyday what God wanted her to wear.

I quickly became paralyzed at life, thinking that I had to ask God about anything and everything and if I didn't, there would surely be consequences for my weakness and lack of faith.

As time marches on, this has been something I wonder about more and more: fantastic vs. fanatical faith, and what happens when the boundaries between the two become crossed.

Of course I believe that God can put any two souls together that He chooses; however, "believing" yourself right into near bankruptcy (whether financially, emotionally, spiritually, or within established relationships with family and friends) somehow doesn't seem to be something "of the Lord"... at least not from my own (admittedly faulty) observations.

 

[Lanolin]

How far are you talking about here.

Im going to touch on this topic by sharing about my family relationships

My sister and I maintain our sibling relationship, she chose to live on the other side of the world and just keeps in touch by facetime, we contact each other every month or so and have an hour of so of facetime. Before facetime it was by phone and email. She would also fly in to visit about every year or so and spend about 2 weeks here. I only been to see her once in London but shes been back to auckland many times.
Its because its cheaper and easier for her to come home than for our family to go over. Although mum and dad did go to visit her for 3 weeks this year. Theres also facebook and whats ap for short updates on what shes up to.

I havent actually written a letter in years and years, birthdays and christmas she will send cards by airmail.

She isnt married. One time she was going out with someone she met at work but that didnt work out. This bloke did come visit one time with her but we could see he was a bit of a cheat and scoundrel so thankfulky they broke it off. As she is the eldest we were kind of waitng to see if she would find someone (or someone would find her) over there but no she is happy being single. And as far as i know she didnt actually leave anyone behind here.

My mum met my dad in this country, she came from hong kong to visit her sister who had married here, then met my dad, got married and never even went back to hong kong, apparently! And she got married by proxy i.e her parents didnt even come to the wedding to give her away. Years later the rest of her family all came over and got married and settled here but the two eldest sisters were the only ones who married local (i.e kiwi born) .

I think there may actually be some ulterior motives to marrying a foreigner but mum doesnt like to say she only married my dad cos she wanted to live here. Lol

With todays world immigration can be easier, but it actually depends on how easy govts make it really! You can actually get working visas as a couple and dont even need to prove you are married.

Now the thing is some countries have legalised same sex marriage, including my own, so thats not stopping anyone from marrying even the same sex just cos they can, they just elope to nz, get a marriage livence and boom you are done. Vegas weddings happen because they make it easy.

I have known so many people that married, moved to a new country and then split up leaving them marooned here. So you really need to question why did they marry this person was it because they were in love or they just wanted to move somewhere else? Or away from their own family. Ther is also a thing marrying for residency. You really have to question that side of it too. Not saying its right or wrong but it is definetely a factor in marriages, cos you both need to live somewhere together. Otherwise what sort of marriage would it be?

 

[Lynx]

My oldest daughter, princess kitten, married a man in the service. They only knew each other through skype. Both his mother and myself supported their decision but were clear that we wished they would wait and get to know each other offline, face to face. They plowed forward and got married.

The first 2 - 3 years were very tumultuous and toxic, to say the least. They did, however, increase their family of 3 to now a family of four, but fought in a war like manner pretty consistently. They are now seeking lots of Christian counseling, learning how to manage both of their needs to control the every move of the other.

They finally seem to be learning how to get along, thanks be to God. He is in SK, though. She is here with me for 5 more months or so. They do so well on Skype.

Hmm, that's a cogent point... and it raises a chicken-and-egg question. Which is the cause and which is the effect?

Do people have relationships that would be good, strong relationships if they were living in the same town, but they are untenable from a long distance?

Or do people have relationships that seem good BECAUSE they are long distance, falling in love with what they think the other person is, relationships that they never would have started if they had both lived in the same town and talked to each other regularly in person?

 

[Lynx]

I knew someone who actually asked God that in all sincerity because she felt the Lord had prompted her to give a piece of clothing to someone one day, and because of that, she believed that she should ask everyday what God wanted her to wear.

Well it is good to ask God for advice. And sometimes God gives advice when I don't ask. But I also think God expects me to use the intelligence He gave me.

I don't ask my mother what I should eat any more. She knows I have the basic intelligence to know a steady diet of nothing but cookies is bad for me and she expects me to act like an adult (even though it's just an act...) and eat healthy food every now and then. God also sometimes expects me to make good decisions when I already know very well what I should do.

 

[CharliRenee]

Hmm, that's a cogent point... and it raises a chicken-and-egg question. Which is the cause and which is the effect?

Do people have relationships that would be good, strong relationships if they were living in the same town, but they are untenable from a long distance?

Or do people have relationships that seem good BECAUSE they are long distance, falling in love with what they think the other person is, relationships that they never would have started if they had both lived in the same town and talked to each other regularly in person?

Good point. Honestly, I believe the latter, that because they were long distance they did better. I pray that despite that truth they learn to adjust and grow together when in close proximity, , like they do when physically apart.

 

[Solemateleft]

I guess I haven't learned my lesson - or maybe I am just compelled to follow my heart along with my sensibility...
I responded:
I would never let distance stop me, no matter what sacrifices or expense I had to make.
When I met the woman (formerly referred to as my spouse) we fell in love and endured a 1.5 year long distance relationship and survived a 26 year marriage (before she left in a 2.5 year process to end the marriage).

During that long distance relationship (before the internet was so prevalent) I was credited for writing her a daily letter via snail mail, we ran up decent phone bills, and we tallied a grand total of 40 days spent together on scheduled visits/dates.

I was in the military and she was happy to sacrifice the comforts of her home, friends and upbringing to endure all the hidden sacrifices that come along with being the spouse of a US Marine. During the 15 years we were married while I was on active duty she endured 7 home moves (counting her initial move to Ca and our final retirement move back to Va); along with my being gone for two 7 month deployments, numerous 2-4 week training or temporary duty assignments along with numerous overtime and/or emergency or weekend duty assignments...

Did we have challenges - Yes; doesn't everyone... I am convinced that the good always out weighed the bad. As we ultimately became teammates/partners to raise three amazing kids. While it would appear that she is determined to erase her experience with me as her husband from her memory; I prefer to cherish the goodness from all those years given the blessing of our kids.

Funny, I used to joke that the reason our marriage lasted so long was because of all the time we spent apart while I was away (call to duty)... Where every reunion was like a mini-honeymoon... In these cases 'distance did make the heart grow founder.'

Rather than seeing distance as an obstacle - especially with today's technology - I see things being even easier today than they were 28 years ago... In fact being a math and science kinda guy - I think we increase our odds/options across all of HIS creation - if we do not inadvertently or unnecessarily constrain ourselves to physical limitations...

Being older, wiser, and more resourceful (if the stars and moon were in alignment) I might even entertain a long distance ice-breaker trip to meet for coffee, and an outdoor excursion...

The important thing that people need to realize regardless of distance is that at the end of the day - there is ultimately no such thing as a perfect marriage - the best we can ever hope for are two imperfect people who can ultimately agree and commit to never give up on each other...

The riddle that you pose for folks to ponder is - are you willing to demonstrate your willingness and ability to hold up your end of such a requisite commitment to endure endless selfless sacrifices by way of showing that distance is merely a trivial obstacle in the grand scheme of challenges that any marriage can be expected to face and endure?

 

[SoulWeaver]

Long distance relationships do work, but they are not for the faint of heart. Most people don't have the commitment and will boohoo even if they live in another town and see each other fairly regularly.

 

[oldethennew]

cyber-re-lashion-ships???
un-Godly, un-Godly inspired???
may God have 'mercy'
upon the deceived...

 

[seoulsearch]

cyber-re-lashion-ships???
un-Godly, un-Godly inspired???
may God have 'mercy'
upon the deceived...

For the past several years, I have relied on nearly all cyber friendships because I worked in an area and atmosphere where many of the people around me were struggling with addictions. I would talk to people when I was at work, but did not feel comfortable with forming "real" relationships with the people around me at that time.

Not every internet connection is romantic (but it could be), but neither is every internet connection demonic, either.

I'm going to repeat a post I wrote in another thread:

Oldethennew, may I please ask, what exactly happens with your username?

I know you've been here a long time, and I believe I'd read somewhere that you are a husband/wife couple who jointly shares this name.

Is this why some posts from "Oldethennew" are sweet, loving, and encouraging, while at other times, posts from this exact same username declare everything and everyone to be evil and demonic?

It's a bit jarring because the reader never quite knows which one to expect, just like Jekyll and Hyde.

I never quite know to respond to the "You're all demonic, everything is demonic, you're going to hell because you're all deceived" personality when it shows up...

I'm sorry if you're going through something, but for this particular personality, it always seems to manifest itself in accusing everyone else of having the problem.

 

[seoulsearch]

I would never let distance stop me, no matter what sacrifices or expense I had to make.

During that long distance relationship (before the internet was so prevalent) I was credited for writing her a daily letter via snail mail, we ran up decent phone bills, and we tallied a grand total of 40 days spent together on scheduled visits/dates.

Ah yes.

Sole, I'm truly sorry for all the heartbreak you've gone through, but your posts are always so cool to read because it's obviously to see that you're a die-hard romantic, which is very encouraging to know that some people (especially guys) still think this way.

I remember the days of blowing up a person's (snail) mail box very well, because people like us who enjoy expressing ourselves through written words can turn a simple trip to the gas station... into a 4-page, written-on-both-sides-of-the-page adventure! (Much to the delight... or chagrin... of the recipient. )

Such a pity that no one has the time or even money (I can't believe letters now cost 50 cents to mail... When I started out, I think they were around 20 cents) to send real letters anymore.

Nothing beats the feeling of opening your mailbox and seeing a real pen-and-paper letter nestled amongst all the bills!

Though I admit that like most people, I have now become addicted to the immediacy of the internet (what could be better than sending as many messages as you want, all for "free" -- depending on how one figures in the cost of WiFi), last week I had an excuse to break out the Hello Kitty stationery, colored (gasp, manual) pens, and even my old sticker collection... and it was pretty doggone cool.

 

[SoulWeaver]

cyber-re-lashion-ships???
un-Godly, un-Godly inspired???
may God have 'mercy'
upon the deceived...

This is so disturbing coming from a fellow Christian, after everything husband and I have been through with God, that I felt literally ill reading this post. Please consider withholding your judgments a bit. Not everything that is unfamiliar to you is evil or demonic.

 

[Lanolin]

I think it must be hard to be married to someone in the military, eg being the wife I dont know it is for the husband I mean if hes already in the military hes used to that way of life and just does what hes commanded to do...but from the wifes persepctive she need to sacrifice a whole lot more. If she lives in a compound with all other military wives then its not so bad as they can all support each other but if shes around others that have civilian marriages and sees how they work maybe she would long for a different kind of marriage where she could see her husband everynight and know he is safe.

I mean the worry would be tremdous cos hes going off to dangerous places and every possibilty he might be killed in action one day.

 

[Lanolin]

The other marriage I though of was Neil Armstrongs. i read a bio about him and must say that marriage was extremely long distance...

Wheres dad? Oh hes on the moon. The poor wife think what she must have gone through. Husband goes to the moon leaving her behind to deal with the children.

 

[Solemateleft]

cyber-re-lashion-ships???
un-Godly, un-Godly inspired???
may God have 'mercy'
upon the deceived...

Yes, there are risks and deception rampant across social media/the world wide web, and there are numerous persons who choose to take advantage of this pseudo incognito (cyberspace) environment to take advantage of the vulnerable...
Yes, there are folks in this world who choose to partake in unholy and sinful activity (XXX) via the internet - these are most certainly the un-Godly cyber risks worthy of forewarning...
And yet this very CC Forum is a psuedo social media/www platform for Christians to reach out to fellow Christians for fellowship and various forms of friendships and relationships... Certainly these are not the un-Godly relationships suggested...

I think it must be hard to be married to someone in the military, eg being the wife I dont know it is for the husband I mean if hes already in the military hes used to that way of life and just does what hes commanded to do...but from the wifes persepctive she need to sacrifice a whole lot more. If she lives in a compound with all other military wives then its not so bad as they can all support each other but if shes around others that have civilian marriages and sees how they work maybe she would long for a different kind of marriage where she could see her husband everynight and know he is safe.

I mean the worry would be tremdous cos hes going off to dangerous places and every possibilty he might be killed in action one day.

Yes, this is all so true and not for the faint of heart. Similar to society lots of these marriages struggle and lots falter. But so many percevere. One of the most sentimental and emotional experiences is to witness a retirement ceremony where the often thankful husband expresses his genuine gratitude for all of the sacrifices his wife and mother of their kids had made over the years. Most of the time there is not a dry eye in the room while observing the emotional gratitude of these warfighters. The wives are also publicly recognized with their own certificate of appreciation from the leader of that service.
Ironically, we survived my active duty years of my military career with flying colors... Yes, there are always wife support groups both on and of the military bases. And lots of times as was the case in ours, she had the benefit of having her mom, or sister accompany her during the deployments. Lots of women take time to visit home, there are so many outlets, resources and accommodating options to help her along during these periods.

 

[Solemateleft]

Ah yes.

Sole, I'm truly sorry for all the heartbreak you've gone through, but your posts are always so cool to read because it's obviously to see that you're a die-hard romantic, which is very encouraging to know that some people (especially guys) still think this way.

I remember the days of blowing up a person's (snail) mail box very well, because people like us who enjoy expressing ourselves through written words can turn a simple trip to the gas station... into a 4-page, written-on-both-sides-of-the-page adventure! (Much to the delight... or chagrin... of the recipient. )

Such a pity that no one has the time or even money (I can't believe letters now cost 50 cents to mail... When I started out, I think they were around 20 cents) to send real letters anymore.

Nothing beats the feeling of opening your mailbox and seeing a real pen-and-paper letter nestled amongst all the bills!

Though I admit that like most people, I have now become addicted to the immediacy of the internet (what could be better than sending as many messages as you want, all for "free" -- depending on how one figures in the cost of WiFi), last week I had an excuse to break out the Hello Kitty stationery, colored (gasp, manual) pens, and even my old sticker collection... and it was pretty doggone cool.

Ah yes - Soul... to this day that is still a thrill to see a personalized hand written letter in your real mailbox amongst (sp?) all those pesky bills...
Always enjoy reading your threads and posts...
Now I go out of my way to routinely buy and send cards/postcards to my mom just so she can have that thrill to know that she is always in my heart and prayers... As she does not partake of the world wide web... Every year I ask the kids for a dump of pics from their phones so that I can send her a new photo album for Christmas - that she can receive via snail mail and physically flip thru the tangible personalized pages of her grand-kids and myself...

Thanks for you and @CharliRenee for your efforts to uplift this CC forum with your continued interactive and always stimulating threads for all of us on this forum to pontificate...
God Bless

 

[Chidera]

While I’m not opposed to long distance relationships, I feel they’re strenuous and risky. Anyway, when I was younger I met a guy on social media who lived in a different country and i live all the way in Nigeria. I had to end it before it got too serious because I wasn’t sure it was the right fit for me.
And earlier this year when I was still in law school I met a really nice Christian guy and he liked me and wanted us to be in a relationship but I just felt like it wouldn’t work out because we live in different states and I wasn’t interested in staying in that state after law school, I wanted to go back home. I think I’d rather be with someone who lived in the same city as me but sometimes we don’t know what God has in store for us.