Marriage problem

[NeedAdvice123]

Hi,
Background: My wife and I married nearly ten years ago. Each of us had almost no sexual experience before getting married. I used to watch porn before dating my wife, but haven’t been that way for many years now, so porn is not an issue for either of us (just saying, as that seems to be the first thing everyone asks).
At first, i had no confidence with sex with my wife, and it showed, and if course it was terrible. However, after years, and me letting go, and being confident, and having read Christians books on sex, etc etc, I hoped things would get better, but they have not.
My wife, at the start of our marriage, would say I just need to gain confidence, be myself, take control of the situation, and learn practical technique in bed, etc. She acknowledges that I have done all of this, but says sex with me just does absolutely zero for her-absolutely nothing. We are, to be fair, two very different people, and we both now have come to the conclusion that we are simply not sexually compatible in any way whatsoever. We both consider each other to be physically attractive, but she says I’m just not the type of guy she clicks with. She says now she knows, because her previous boyfriends ALL turned her on, but i just dont.
She has said that it’s so depressing after we’ve tried every approach and way to ‘spice things up’, that she wants us to just never attempt to have sex again. She has also said numerous times in the past that she NEEDS good sex, and if she cant get it with me, she will have to eventually get it from somewhere else.
We have three small children and my life was extremely damaged for many years by parental divorce when i was a child. I really dont know what to do.
I have been praying for our marriage for all theae years, and things are sliding towards a split, not a solution.
My wife says we just make good friends. She says i’m a great dad, but im just not what she desperately needs sexually.

I really dont know what to do

 

[inukubo]

How is your communication with your wife? Do you feel like you can talk about anything with her? Do you enjoy one another's company and make each other laugh? Do you have hobbies and interests in common and do a lot of things together outside the home? Usually sex problems are really communication & emotional connection problems, so I'm just wondering if there is a deeper communication issue there.

Also, and forgive me for saying this, but it seems strange that she is saying she needs good sex...I would question what her standard is and how she would know, considering that you said you both had (almost) no sexual experience before getting married. That seems like a big red flag to me. Have you guys tried counseling? Sounds like you could both benefit because I get the impression that there are other issues going on that counseling would help you both identify and address.

 

[NotmebutHim]

It's OPs such as this which make me wish there was a men's forum.

Welcome to CC, and may the Lord give you what you He knows you need.

 

[Nehemiah6]

My wife says we just make good friends. She says i’m a great dad, but im just not what she desperately needs sexually.

Looks like your wife is self-centered, and is probably making plans to leave you. Not a very happy prospect. The fact that she had multiple sexual partners before marriage is a huge issue, since she has probably been comparing you with others all along.

But the real issue is whether or not you both have truly repented and been saved by grace, and therefore born again. If she were totally submitted to God and Christ, she would not be saying what she has been saying.

If you both are members of a Bible-believing church, you should sit down with your pastor(s) and discuss this matter in the strictest confidence (which must be requested before anything is said). If they are true pastors they will address your spiritual conditions before anything else. If this is not an option, seek a Christian marriage counselor. At the same time, if she has no desire to do what is right and pleasing to God, it won't make any difference. But she needs to repent and be converted first. And perhaps you too.

 

[NeedAdvice123]

Thank you for your reply. Our communication is very good. We can talk about anything. We definitelymake each other laugh. We have the same kind of understanding of God and interest in Him (we are both definitely saved, except I go to church every week and always tried to be involved, but my wife hasnt been for years. Its complicated and on this one issue she is very vague, but i think its partly aomething to do with leaving her option open to leave me or something. I dont know- shes very evasive on this one issue of attending church so i dont ask anymore. Its also because she doesnt trust people i think)
We had agreed to somehow see a christian counsellor, but with our three kids (who have special needs- and we have no help with them) its impossible to both attend- so i suggested online counselling, but now she says its pointless because we’re just tok different)

 

[NeedAdvice123]

Firstly she said she had never even kissed a guy, but a a couple of years after we married she admitted shed had a few boyfriends and didnt want to say because she didnt know if she could trustme when we first met. She said the main thing is they disnt have sex. She admitted they had oral sex and did everything except p**** in v***** and she went out with one of them for a couple of years. Id had a very small number of sexual encounters, and had only had proper sex with one other woman about twice many, many years ago. However, I told her about this before we even dated. She says she was still a virgin when she married me, and said this on our wedding night, but i disagreed that she was a virgin because of the other methods of sex she used

 

[NeedAdvice123]

We’re both definitely born again. This is why im so confused about her avoiding the body of Christ all these years. I explained to her that God just does important stuff when youre part of it that i cant even explain some of, but she doesnt really see it

 

[Magenta]

 

[Nehemiah6]

...but my wife hasnt been for years. Its complicated and on this one issue she is very vague, but i think its partly something to do with leaving her option open to leave me or something. I dont know- shes very evasive on this one issue of attending church so i dont ask anymore.

Looks like you have pinpointed the issue quite well, but you should also now take responsibility for allowing this state of affairs to exist for years. Had you addressed it immediately, things might have been different by now.

As for her remark about you both being"too different " -- this could also mean that she has no interest in spiritual things, or pleasing God, and would rather please herself. Chances are she is lying to you about being born again (as she did about her virginity). You should probably make one last attempt to sit down with her and ask her to be TOTALLY HONEST (if that is even possible after all this time). But honestly, it might be too late to salvage this situation. I know I am not sugar-coating your problem, but it is far better to deal with reality than engage in wishful thinking.

 

[NeedAdvice123]

I’m certain she’s born again, but can see why youd ask. The reason there has been a problem for years us that i was working on being ‘good’ at sexual technique; that is what we saw the problem as. I seem to finally be ok at that now but theres obvs still a problem. She also said that i need to communicate in her language of ‘words’ more, as opposed to mine which is more ‘physical affection’. So, ive really been making a point of using her language more, but she says everything is still the same- we’re just too different

 

[blue_ladybug]

Sounds like she wants wild, crazy, uninhibited hot sex. Maybe you could work on turning your freak on and up..

 

[notuptome]

I’m certain she’s born again, but can see why youd ask. The reason there has been a problem for years us that i was working on being ‘good’ at sexual technique; that is what we saw the problem as. I seem to finally be ok at that now but theres obvs still a problem. She also said that i need to communicate in her language of ‘words’ more, as opposed to mine which is more ‘physical affection’. So, ive really been making a point of using her language more, but she says everything is still the same- we’re just too different

Marriage is far more than sex. Love is not equal to lust. It may be of great benefit to the two of you to learn to be close to each other without any kind of intercourse.

Learn how to hold each other and rejoice in the mate God has given you. The quality of your marriage is never measured in sexual performance. That is the means by which the world measures marriage.

Would you be happy with each other if it required celibacy? What if due to physical problems sex was not possible? Would that end all your happiness? If God took one of your children would that refocus for you what is important? I hope nothing happens but put things into the proper perspective according to Gods economy.

For the cause of Christ
Roger

 

[Locoponydirtman]

Passion sir. Without passion blah🙁
Good sex is not about method it technique. It's about passion. Mechanics and insecurity kills passion.
Insecurity is boring, stop being boring.
Insecurity is weak, woman wants a strong man.
Read song of Solomon. This guy describes a passionate embrace.
You have to feel like being melted into a oneness, becoming so tangled and intermingled that distinction is impossible to discern. Almost like a madness that causes you to consume and be consumed.
So the question become how to get there?. To start there are some don'ts
Don't be boring, Don't be insecure, don't worries that at first she is going to think that you fell off the deep end , don't care if she laughs, don't care is she is dubious about what it is.
throw insecurity away, how by building a romance, by falling in love. This mean spontaneity, not a trip to Figi even though Figi helps.
Music, champagne, dancing together in the moon light. A moon light campfire picnic at midnight in the backyard. Write love letters poetry, flowers.
God will give you strength to turn this around. Get out of your flesh and into your love.

 

[Bibleteacher]

Passion sir. Without passion blah🙁
Good sex is not about method it technique. It's about passion. Mechanics and insecurity kills passion.
Insecurity is boring, stop being boring.
Insecurity is weak, woman wants a strong man.
Read song of Solomon. This guy describes a passionate embrace.
You have to feel like being melted into a oneness, becoming so tangled and intermingled that distinction is impossible to discern. Almost like a madness that causes you to consume and be consumed.
So the question become how to get there?. To start there are some don'ts
Don't be boring, Don't be insecure, don't worries that at first she is going to think that you fell off the deep end , don't care if she laughs, don't care is she is dubious about what it is.
throw insecurity away, how by building a romance, by falling in love. This mean spontaneity, not a trip to Figi even though Figi helps.
Music, champagne, dancing together in the moon light. A moon light campfire picnic at midnight in the backyard. Write love letters poetry, flowers.
God will give you strength to turn this around. Get out of your flesh and into your love.

If she truly deeply loved you, she would not care how you were in bed. She would love you even if you were handicapped and it was impossible for you to perform. She would not even consider finding it elsewhere...that's adultery. Like she said...her love is like a friend. Prepare yourself for her to leave you some day...sad to say. It's no fault of yours. A great marriage is not based on great sex.

QUOTE="NeedAdvice123, post: 3999780, member: 288035"]Hi,
Background: My wife and I married nearly ten years ago. Each of us had almost no sexual experience before getting married. I used to watch porn before dating my wife, but haven’t been that way for many years now, so porn is not an issue for either of us (just saying, as that seems to be the first thing everyone asks).
At first, i had no confidence with sex with my wife, and it showed, and if course it was terrible. However, after years, and me letting go, and being confident, and having read Christians books on sex, etc etc, I hoped things would get better, but they have not.
My wife, at the start of our marriage, would say I just need to gain confidence, be myself, take control of the situation, and learn practical technique in bed, etc. She acknowledges that I have done all of this, but says sex with me just does absolutely zero for her-absolutely nothing. We are, to be fair, two very different people, and we both now have come to the conclusion that we are simply not sexually compatible in any way whatsoever. We both consider each other to be physically attractive, but she says I’m just not the type of guy she clicks with. She says now she knows, because her previous boyfriends ALL turned her on, but i just dont.
She has said that it’s so depressing after we’ve tried every approach and way to ‘spice things up’, that she wants us to just never attempt to have sex again. She has also said numerous times in the past that she NEEDS good sex, and if she cant get it with me, she will have to eventually get it from somewhere else.
We have three small children and my life was extremely damaged for many years by parental divorce when i was a child. I really dont know what to do.
I have been praying for our marriage for all theae years, and things are sliding towards a split, not a solution.
My wife says we just make good friends. She says i’m a great dad, but im just not what she desperately needs sexually.

I really dont know what to do[/QUOTE]

 

[Locoponydirtman]

If she truly deeply loved you, she would not care how you were in bed. She would love you even if you were handicapped and it was impossible for you to perform. She would not even consider finding it elsewhere...that's adultery. Like she said...her love is like a friend. Prepare yourself for her to leave you some day...sad to say. It's no fault of yours. A great marriage is not based on great sex.

QUOTE="NeedAdvice123, post: 3999780, member: 288035"]Hi,
Background: My wife and I married nearly ten years ago. Each of us had almost no sexual experience before getting married. I used to watch porn before dating my wife, but haven’t been that way for many years now, so porn is not an issue for either of us (just saying, as that seems to be the first thing everyone asks).
At first, i had no confidence with sex with my wife, and it showed, and if course it was terrible. However, after years, and me letting go, and being confident, and having read Christians books on sex, etc etc, I hoped things would get better, but they have not.
My wife, at the start of our marriage, would say I just need to gain confidence, be myself, take control of the situation, and learn practical technique in bed, etc. She acknowledges that I have done all of this, but says sex with me just does absolutely zero for her-absolutely nothing. We are, to be fair, two very different people, and we both now have come to the conclusion that we are simply not sexually compatible in any way whatsoever. We both consider each other to be physically attractive, but she says I’m just not the type of guy she clicks with. She says now she knows, because her previous boyfriends ALL turned her on, but i just dont.
She has said that it’s so depressing after we’ve tried every approach and way to ‘spice things up’, that she wants us to just never attempt to have sex again. She has also said numerous times in the past that she NEEDS good sex, and if she cant get it with me, she will have to eventually get it from somewhere else.
We have three small children and my life was extremely damaged for many years by parental divorce when i was a child. I really dont know what to do.
I have been praying for our marriage for all theae years, and things are sliding towards a split, not a solution.
My wife says we just make good friends. She says i’m a great dad, but im just not what she desperately needs sexually.

I really dont know what to do

[/QUOTE]
I don't know why you quoted me, but I will respond to you.
No a marriage is not based on great sex or even good sex.
But a marriage requires passion, love, oneness of body and spirit. That is what is missing. It is manifest in poor sex quality, wrought by insecurity, and weakness.
Jesus taught us to pray, " thy will be done on Earth as it is in Heaven, give us this day our daily bread, and lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil". These words have meaning and Jesus said them as a model for us.
Read the song of Solomon, and inject some passion into your marriage.

 

[NeedAdvice123]

Lots of passion and adventurous already. Didnt hold back.
I already told her before we were married that if anything happened to prevent us from having sex, i would stay with her. God gives you the grace needed for the situation, but I dont believe God even wants us to be celibate

 

[NeedAdvice123]

I told her i believe she has never really put God at the centre of our relationship in bed, but she says its pathetic if we need to, and it should just work anyway

 

[Bibleteacher]

I don't know why you quoted me, but I will respond to you.
No a marriage is not based on great sex or even good sex.
But a marriage requires passion, love, oneness of body and spirit. That is what is missing. It is manifest in poor sex quality, wrought by insecurity, and weakness.
Jesus taught us to pray, " thy will be done on Earth as it is in Heaven, give us this day our daily bread, and lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil". These words have meaning and Jesus said them as a model for us.
Read the song of Solomon, and inject some passion into your marriage.[/QUOTE]
I don't know why you quoted me, but I will respond to you.
No a marriage is not based on great sex or even good sex.
But a marriage requires passion, love, oneness of body and spirit. That is what is missing. It is manifest in poor sex quality, wrought by insecurity, and weakness.
Jesus taught us to pray, " thy will be done on Earth as it is in Heaven, give us this day our daily bread, and lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil". These words have meaning and Jesus said them as a model for us.
Read the song of Solomon, and inject some passion into your marriage.[/QUOTE]
Sorry...I'm new here and I just clicked on "reply".

 

[Locoponydirtman]

I don't know why you quoted me, but I will respond to you.
No a marriage is not based on great sex or even good sex.
But a marriage requires passion, love, oneness of body and spirit. That is what is missing. It is manifest in poor sex quality, wrought by insecurity, and weakness.
Jesus taught us to pray, " thy will be done on Earth as it is in Heaven, give us this day our daily bread, and lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil". These words have meaning and Jesus said them as a model for us.
Read the song of Solomon, and inject some passion into your marriage.

I don't know why you quoted me, but I will respond to you.
No a marriage is not based on great sex or even good sex.
But a marriage requires passion, love, oneness of body and spirit. That is what is missing. It is manifest in poor sex quality, wrought by insecurity, and weakness.
Jesus taught us to pray, " thy will be done on Earth as it is in Heaven, give us this day our daily bread, and lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil". These words have meaning and Jesus said them as a model for us.
Read the song of Solomon, and inject some passion into your marriage.[/QUOTE]
Sorry...I'm new here and I just clicked on "reply".[/QUOTE]
It's all good. I just wasn't sure by your reply why you quoted me that's all?

 

[Leastamongmany]

Welcome to cc,blessing! I would suggest to you ...........take it to Him in prayer ( I will be helping you pray), read and study the word. God can change any situation if the two involved are willing! However,be forgiving and show love at all timesif Be prepared also to just accept it the facts! God judges the hearts,if you want to follow Him and she doesnt,there will probably be changes.