Wedding woe

aharp · Aug 12, 2019

Our son is getting married next year and he is not asking any of his siblings to be in his wedding. He has been away at college for 3 and 1/2 years, and has made some close friends and I understand his desire to include them since he met his fiance there. But honestly, it hurts. The previous 17 years he was here with us and we have a close family. (Or so I believed) They have dated for 2 and 1/2 years, and she stays with our daughters when she is in town. I am trying to understand this and I want to be happy about the wedding. But when your family is just guests at your own son's wedding it is difficult. We do have a large family so I understand somewhat, but they are including a the ex girlfriend of his best man who just broke up with him. I tried to discuss this with him and he said that it was nothing personal, they just weren't following any traditional wedding plans. Please pray for me and I would appreciate any advice.

Leastamongmany · Aug 12, 2019

My blessings to you on this situation. I have no answer,except I will be praying for your family. God can take care of hurts and bring forgiveness!

Locoponydirtman · Aug 12, 2019

aharp said:

Wow 1st world problems...

Your son is grown and getting married.

Do you still support him financially support him?

If you still financially support him he has no business getting married.

If not, you don't run his life,
just be happy for him and go and enjoy.

I'll never understand why people insist on forcing their way in other people's events and life. Why can't ya just be happy for him? It ain't about you.

For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and cleave to his wife, and the two shall be one flesh.
That's in Mathew.

PennEd · Aug 12, 2019

aharp said:

I'm sorry, but this seems like an easy one to me. Why are stirring controversy where there is none? Has your other sons voiced their displeasure?

This seems like meddling, and not a great sign for how you might react to other decisions he and his wife make.

Mii · Aug 12, 2019

I mean it makes sense that you are upset on some level, especially if you have thought about the topic before and had always envisioned something or your past life experiences.

For me a wedding is as much about others as it is for me and my future spouse. A marriage is just for us though.

I don't personally know how I would feel about "meddling" but I don't really see it that way. It's the same way imo that some people like to take pictures to remember a moment and some people don't like them.

I mean, imagine a wedding with no flash photography of any kind? I'd sign up for that, but practically a little bit difficult to enforce. I'd also feel like I was being mean to others...then again my spouse could be all about pictures.

I'd just take it as it is. Put the request there but be in agreement with him regardless. If one of his siblings spoke out it would go a much longer way I'd imagine. If you have the need to just be apart of it in some way...why not the reception?

As a sibling other than one of my sisters weddings where I was asked to walk her down the aisle halfway since my father passed away, I am perfectly content to just observe.

Magenta · Aug 12, 2019

Mii · Aug 12, 2019

Oddly I think I've only heard the full serenity prayer once but I appreciate it, it's always that half version at AA meetings I've been to in the past.

It's kind of cool though because at times it's like I'm asked a question...how do you feel. Are you thankful for how you feel?

When I stop and take a step back and just consider...my response is usually. "hmm, yes, I feel reasonable all things considered"

Seldom when things feel unreasonable I get a bit petulant to my own ears...but if I just stop and think, it's like the weight lifts and I go back to feeling "reasonable". I do voice my concerns though.

Ty @Magenta

Dino246 · Aug 13, 2019

aharp said:

Welcome, aharp...
Others have addressed your situation with some of the ideas I would have, so I won't repeat them. I'll just offer this: the day after the wedding, will it matter who the attendants were? I understand your position and your feelings, but I'd suggest that this is an excellent opportunity to exercise Proverbs 19:11.

Rose1956 · Aug 14, 2019

aharp said:

It's been many years since my own wedding, but this does remind me of it. I have 3 sibs, an older brother and 2 younger sisters. My mother insisted that they all be in the wedding party, so I had my best friend as maid of honor, and my 2 little sisters, and my grooms little sister, as bridesmaids. I never felt close to my sisters, being 5 years younger, and barely knew the grooms sister, and was unhappy about it, but allowed it to please mom. After the wedding I learned that all 3 of the "sisters" were embarrassed and unhappy about being bridesmaids. My brother didn't mind but barely knew the groom. I had 3 more close friends I would have been much happier having as my bridesmaids, especially since I had been a bridesmaid in all of their weddings. Anyways, like someone said in this forum, it really doesn't matter a few years later who was in the wedding party. I used my 3 friends in the gift room and at the guest book. I also used close cousins as ushers. I would suggest you let the bride and groom have their bridal party, it is their special day after all. If siblings want to be involved, there are always lots of other positions they can fill. Just make sure you get some lovely family pictures! Causing friction about it will only cast a dark shadow on a day that should be filled with joy and love. You have apparently given your opinion, but I think now is the time to let go and let them make the choice. Many prayers for you all!

Superglue · Sep 3, 2019

Hi, obviously his friends mean a great deal to him. Even though your family may be close he now feels closer to them. He is making his own life now. The wedding planning, ideas & dreams are his & his bride’s. They are not what the family’s desires are. I myself had a few wedding issues. My best friend since I was 12 had a child at 19 & then I decided she would be my flower girl. That was my dream. Fwd to talking over wedding plans I mentioned how she was my flower girl. My mother in law had a complete look of absolute shock on her face. She said, what? She thought 100% her 2 grandaughters would be the flowers girls. I said, why? We never once have said that. I have always had my flower girl picked out since she was born. She said she had already even told them they were going to be. I was now in shock. I could not believe this. I get along with her great & we have never had an issue. This was the 1st time I saw this was going to be an issue for her. She told us we needed to incorporate them in the wedding in another way or else our ringer bearer that WE chose (her grandson from a different son) could NOT be in the wedding because it would not be fair to the girls. They are 3&4yrs old girls, why would they even care. I don’t feel weddings have to be traditional. You can make it your own. Just to please her I let them each hold the end of my long vail, one on each side & they were happy. Was that traditional? No, but neither was my now 14yr old flower girl. Yes, she was 14 by the time I got married & it didn’t matter what anyone thought because it was my dream. So just let your ideas go & support his ideas.

aharp · Sep 4, 2019

Locoponydirtman said:

So quick to judge. We do not support him, I do not want to run his life. I am comfortable letting the Lord do that. I never said I was not happy for him, just struggling with his decisions. I am learning. Maybe a little grace on your part?

aharp · Sep 4, 2019

Rose1956 said:

It's been many years since my own wedding, but this does remind me of it. I have 3 sibs, an older brother and 2 younger sisters. My mother insisted that they all be in the wedding party, so I had my best friend as maid of honor, and my 2 little sisters, and my grooms little sister, as bridesmaids. I never felt close to my sisters, being 5 years younger, and barely knew the grooms sister, and was unhappy about it, but allowed it to please mom. After the wedding I learned that all 3 of the "sisters" were embarrassed and unhappy about being bridesmaids. My brother didn't mind but barely knew the groom. I had 3 more close friends I would have been much happier having as my bridesmaids, especially since I had been a bridesmaid in all of their weddings. Anyways, like someone said in this forum, it really doesn't matter a few years later who was in the wedding party. I used my 3 friends in the gift room and at the guest book. I also used close cousins as ushers. I would suggest you let the bride and groom have their bridal party, it is their special day after all. If siblings want to be involved, there are always lots of other positions they can fill. Just make sure you get some lovely family pictures! Causing friction about it will only cast a dark shadow on a day that should be filled with joy and love. You have apparently given your opinion, but I think now is the time to let go and let them make the choice. Many prayers for you all!

Thank you.

aharp · Sep 4, 2019

Superglue said:

Dino246 said:

Leastamongmany said:

Thank you, such good advice! Dino246

aharp · Sep 4, 2019

Dino246 said:

Welcome, aharp...
Others have addressed your situation with some of the ideas I would have, so I won't repeat them. I'll just offer this: the day after the wedding, will it matter who the attendants were? I understand your position and your feelings, but I'd suggest that this is an excellent opportunity to exercise Proverbs 19:11.

Thank you! Such good advice.

aharp · Sep 4, 2019

Mii said:

Oddly I think I've only heard the full serenity prayer once but I appreciate it, it's always that half version at AA meetings I've been to in the past.

It's kind of cool though because at times it's like I'm asked a question...how do you feel. Are you thankful for how you feel?

When I stop and take a step back and just consider...my response is usually. "hmm, yes, I feel reasonable all things considered"

Seldom when things feel unreasonable I get a bit petulant to my own ears...but if I just stop and think, it's like the weight lifts and I go back to feeling "reasonable". I do voice my concerns though.

Ty @Magenta

Thank you! I love this prayer. I pray it now.

tourist · Sep 4, 2019

Superglue said:

Hi, obviously his friends mean a great deal to him. Even though your family may be close he now feels closer to them. He is making his own life now. The wedding planning, ideas & dreams are his & his bride’s. They are not what the family’s desires are. I myself had a few wedding issues. My best friend since I was 12 had a child at 19 & then I decided she would be my flower girl. That was my dream. Fwd to talking over wedding plans I mentioned how she was my flower girl. My mother in law had a complete look of absolute shock on her face. She said, what? She thought 100% her 2 grandaughters would be the flowers girls. I said, why? We never once have said that. I have always had my flower girl picked out since she was born. She said she had already even told them they were going to be. I was now in shock. I could not believe this. I get along with her great & we have never had an issue. This was the 1st time I saw this was going to be an issue for her. She told us we needed to incorporate them in the wedding in another way or else our ringer bearer that WE chose (her grandson from a different son) could NOT be in the wedding because it would not be fair to the girls. They are 3&4yrs old girls, why would they even care. I don’t feel weddings have to be traditional. You can make it your own. Just to please her I let them each hold the end of my long vail, one on each side & they were happy. Was that traditional? No, but neither was my now 14yr old flower girl. Yes, she was 14 by the time I got married & it didn’t matter what anyone thought because it was my dream. So just let your ideas go & support his ideas.

Usually, the plans for the wedding conform to the bride to be wishes and desire. You are correct in saying that these plans and the actual wedding may or may not be what the either family desires. I concur with your estimation.

aharp · Sep 4, 2019

Magenta said:

Thank you!

aharp · Sep 4, 2019

Mii said:

I mean it makes sense that you are upset on some level, especially if you have thought about the topic before and had always envisioned something or your past life experiences.

For me a wedding is as much about others as it is for me and my future spouse. A marriage is just for us though.

I don't personally know how I would feel about "meddling" but I don't really see it that way. It's the same way imo that some people like to take pictures to remember a moment and some people don't like them.

I mean, imagine a wedding with no flash photography of any kind? I'd sign up for that, but practically a little bit difficult to enforce. I'd also feel like I was being mean to others...then again my spouse could be all about pictures.

I'd just take it as it is. Put the request there but be in agreement with him regardless. If one of his siblings spoke out it would go a much longer way I'd imagine. If you have the need to just be apart of it in some way...why not the reception?

As a sibling other than one of my sisters weddings where I was asked to walk her down the aisle halfway since my father passed away, I am perfectly content to just observe.

Thank you!

aharp · Sep 4, 2019

PennEd said:

I am learning, and I don't necessarily feel like your son leaving his family out of his wedding is as easy as it may seem. I don't see it as a great sign. Just seeking some encouragement and advice from some caring christians. My other sons are disappointed, but we are all happy for them.

aharp · Sep 4, 2019

tourist said:

And this is fine. I am just learning to accept things as the Lord gives concerning my children. This is our first wedding. Sometimes you just need some encouragement and advice from loving christians. I am glad there are at least a few on here

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