A White Picket Fence

[LittleMermaid]

Hello my single friends! This post is for you. As a fellow single person, I sometimes find myself wondering what it would be like to be married. I may daydream about a spouse and having a family with him. I'm sure ya'll do the same sometimes. You dream of a perfect spouse, with beautiful kids, the house, good jobs, and a white picket fence...

But what I've realized is that we imagine the best possible outcome when we think this way. We imagine a good spouse that loves the Lord, takes care of us, works hard, and loves us and our family. We imagine healthy babies who grow up to be strong, Christian, and independent members of society.

What we don't think about is that both marriage and having children can be a gamble. I know a few friends who have been divorced. I know some people who regret having children. I know that's a taboo especially within the Christian community...but it's something that should be talked about. Some of the stories I've heard go something like this...

1. Communication is lost and both partners feel stuck in a loveless marriage because of their children.
2. One partner does all the housework and child care while the other works and comes home to enjoy their time. Home partner is exhausted.
3. One partner decides to cheat. It seems like people cheat because they feel they are missing something in their marriage. Again, communication is lost.
4. Financial problems
5. Maybe the child born is special, ill, or needs constant care. Something that one or both parents find difficult to do. It puts a strain on their lives (financially, romantically and spiritually) It's also really hard to raise a child you know won't make it to adulthood.
6. The kid grows up to be a bad person (pedo, killer, or thief)
7. Maybe the kid is just difficult to deal with. They could misbehave all the time, or maybe get a girl pregnant at 16 years old.
8. The kid might be an atheist or muslim or identify as a transperson.
9. No emotional support from the spouse.
10. Spouse loses faith in God.

These are just some examples. Some more difficult than others but each one is difficult. Instead of living life thinking about what you don't have, maybe think about what difficult situations you don't have to deal with.

Yes living single is difficult too...but compared to all the problems married people with children face, I don't find it that hard. And I don't know...maybe this post will help you see that you can find contentment in every situation. I think this is something God is helping me with right now and I'm really excited about it. Whenever I start to feel a little jealous or lonely, I remind myself that singleness can be a blessing too! I have so much time on my hands to serve God and enjoy his presence. I also don't have to worry about the above problems. If you are lonely, remember that God is always with you. You just have to seek his face.

I really hope that the above examples are not offensive. I'm not saying that cheaters can't be forgiven or cannot change. Of course they can!
I'm not saying that special or ill children are a burden...but having one can be emotionally difficult.
I'm also not saying that transpeople or muslims are evil. My best friend is a muslim (I'm praying for her and her spouse). But I just know that if I had a child who lost his or her faith, I would be really worried.

I hope and pray this post helps ya'll. God bless!

 

[JustEli]

1. One partner decides to cheat. It seems like people cheat because they feel they are missing something in their marriage. Again, communication is lost.

sosososososososo........................ true.

 

[zeroturbulence]

I should recite all this stuff next time someone asks me why I never got married.

 

[Aephus]

Great post. Life happens, things can happen, and if intentionality in the relationship dwindles and disappears, I believe any of the above can happen. Love is a pursuit, an action. Passivity is the killer of passion and love. Kind of how faith without works is dead, I’d say love without action is dead. Also, the enemy will look to bring in any sort of offense or division in the relationship because marriage is to be a picture of Christ and the church. If he can mar the testimony, he’s happy.

I don’t think any relationship will ever be perfect. And I think there are times where we will unintentionally slip into passivity. But God is great and always remains faithful. I just pray that we would be wise enough to heed the rebukes and/or the reminders when they come and begin to walk in truth again.

We can’t control what someone else will do, but we can definitely love them, tell them the truth and pray for them.

 

[Krumbeard]

Well, here I go again....
I was married. It had problems. I have problems. She had problems. It was a lot of things good and bad.
I am grateful for the good. And I'm grateful for the lessons God has taught me from the bad.
Becoming single again, in my case, has been a big change. That partner that shared in the responsibilities of this family is no longer here. That falls to me and sometimes the kids.
But I will say this, having been married and with all its problems I miss it greatly. I hope for that opportunity again someday. If God is gracious enough to do so I will be greatly blessed.
Yes. It will have some of the elements above. No doubt about having problems. But I know that going into it. It's not a fairytale.
Just think of the awesome things you can learn. If you're both committed or only just yourself you will learn. God will use those things.
It is an opportunity to grow in Christ and also with each other. It will be hard, frustrating and crazy at times. Don't give up.

Like aephus said, you can't change others and that is truly frustrating.

Kinda got carried away. Sorry.

 

[Lanolin]

Yea married people have heaps more problems than single people do I find.
But their burden is they have to pretend more that they are happy cos they made a vow and they are bound.

Something to consider. I look after so many children from broken families. Many marriages only last for a few years. Its very rare to find ones that last even amongst church people these days.

Being single is a blessing. You can do so much more and reach out to way more people, you are not confined to your own flesh and blood. When Jesus left to go to heaven he asked Peter to look after his sheep and his lambs. Well Jesus didnt have any pets or children. He never married. But he loved all of mankind.

I find married people often just look after their own, but they have a real hard time of it cos the pressure of keeping afloat. Mortagages, jobs, education etc. when then their spouse dies or leaves and its so much harder. When their children act out many give up. No you cant control other people thats the lesson everyone has to learn. Not everyone learns this early though.

In everything you need to rely on God but if your nearest and dearest is not even on the same holy Bible page, its going to be extra difficult.

 

[Lanolin]

My neighbours across the road have the white picket fence. But one of their daughters has divorced and left her faith. She was the one who actually put the fence in, before they didnt have a fence. Lol

She had four children, married in church and still it broke down after 20 years cos of her adultery. We were all shocked.

I am not under any illusions about marriage. I remember as a child being rather fascinated with the royal weddings but they all ended in divorce too. As for my own parents, i have heard mum say she regrets being married. Shes just being honest, its very hard to live with someone who you cant understand or doesnt listen to you or empathises. For many women, thats what happens with their husbands they just assume stuff about women that isnt true its like they have this idea but doesnt bear out in reality.

Just as women do about men I suppose. As for same sex marriages, well you think maybe they are better chance cos they the same but actually no they split up too. Lol not saying any of us will have that but these days you think why would anyone want to be married. But in many cases people dont really think past the honeymoon stage. They dont think to old age if it last that long, what they will do when their children go and what they will do with each other and whther they will look after each other.

this comes from many observations in retirement villages, one half becomes ill and the other half cant handle it and sends them away.

 

[tourist]

Yea married people have heaps more problems than single people do I find.
But their burden is they have to pretend more that they are happy cos they made a vow and they are bound.

Something to consider. I look after so many children from broken families. Many marriages only last for a few years. Its very rare to find ones that last even amongst church people these days.

Being single is a blessing. You can do so much more and reach out to way more people, you are not confined to your own flesh and blood. When Jesus left to go to heaven he asked Peter to look after his sheep and his lambs. Well Jesus didnt have any pets or children. He never married. But he loved all of mankind.

I find married people often just look after their own, but they have a real hard time of it cos the pressure of keeping afloat. Mortagages, jobs, education etc. when then their spouse dies or leaves and its so much harder. When their children act out many give up. No you cant control other people thats the lesson everyone has to learn. Not everyone learns this early though.

In everything you need to rely on God but if your nearest and dearest is not even on the same holy Bible page, its going to be extra difficult.

I will offer some insight based on my marriage history - 1 divorce, 1 death of spouse, current (and last wife), 22+ years total:

Not at all sure that married people have more problems than single people. The thing about problems, if you are married, certain problems must be resolved to keep the family environment stable. If you are married you really don't have the option to simply refuse to address the serious issues that must be resolved. At least if you are married you hopefully will work together to resolve certain matters. If you are single, your options are to resolve your own problems or move back home with your parents if they are still alive, have the financial means and inclination to support you.

Marriages can last a lifetime if God is placed in the center of the marriage. Attending church, while a good thing, is not a guarantee that the marriage will work. Regular prayer, bible study and devotion together will go a long way to keep the marriage stable and productive.

For some, being single is a blessing, for others being married to your heart's desire is a greater blessing.

You are absolutely correct about the pressure of keeping the marriage afloat. Being married, especially with children, is probably the greatest responsibility one may have in their lifetime. The way that I look at it, being married can be ministry from God as you are now being trusted to take care of your spouse. There will be ups and downs, good times or bad but in the end, it is well worth the cost of admission.

Your last point about being on the same biblical page is almost profound in its content. If not on the same page, then perhaps at least on the same chapter or even verse.

In general, the family that prays together stays together.

Being single is for certain easier and more carefree than being married. From my perspective though, I really didn't want to live my entire lifetime just looking out for myself to have an easy carefree lifestyle, only to reach the end of my life only to realize that no one really benefited from me being alive. This is true whether you chose to remain single or get married. For me, I would rather face the world with my best friend instead of traveling through life alone.

Life is full of choices so you must chose wisely or reap the consequences.

 

[tourist]

. Love is a pursuit, an action. Passivity is the killer of passion and love. Kind of how faith without works is dead, I’d say love without action is dead. Also, the enemy will look to bring in any sort of offense or

I agree with your analogy, love without action is the same as faith without works for they are indeed both dead.

 

[Lanolin]

A single person doesnt only look after themselves, thats an untrue stereotype. Often they give up their lives to look after someone else, just not married to them. Many caregivers are in fact single. Many teachers are too.

You could argue married people are more selfish becuase they require someone else to look after them all the time and bind them to that promise. Also single people are not ever alone, thats a myth too.

Singles would rather stay friends with everyone than be exclusive. This is what Jesus did and had twelve disciples, if he had gotten married and only devoted his life to one other, he possibly wouldnt have had the outreach he had.

 

[Stranger36147]

I think I'll just stay single and childless so I don't have to worry about any of that.

 

[Subhumanoidal]

"But what I've realized is that we imagine the best possible outcome when we think this way. We imagine a good spouse that loves the Lord, takes care of us, works hard, and loves us and our family. We imagine healthy babies who grow up to be strong, Christian, and independent members of society."
Yep. And I'll continue to. Why? Not because I'm ignorant of the things that can go bad, but because if you go in expecting anything less that will reflect on your own behavior within the marriage.
If I get married I'm giving it my all and expecting nothing less because the person I marry deserves that, and not someone going in waiting for the fall.