Interesting thing about the last part of your statement is that all Good comes from God so if it satisfies and it's good it's from God. Also like everyone said it's not nessacary at all to get married. I'd like to myself but I'm starting to think it's not an option at this point or ever. That being said like the others said perhaps another Church would be good for you. Also I suggest some Christian music and watching online testimonies. Also side note do you mind sending me another link yo your book? I dont think I have it anymore.
On being an endangered species of an endangered species
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I've tried another church. It's too exhausting to emotionally start over again and again. Relationships take time to form and many people now do not have that time.
I don't like a lot of Christian music and I don't care for online testimonies.
With the former, a lot of Christian music sounds the same and the messages and melodies are boring and tame.
With the latter, you don't hear many testimonies like mine because mine are boring and unexciting, since I grew up in Christian Mr. Roger's neighborhood. A lot of testimonies (at least the ones that get the spotlight) are about people who got out of doing drugs, prostitution, gang violence, etc.
I don't like a lot of Christian music and I don't care for online testimonies.
With the former, a lot of Christian music sounds the same and the messages and melodies are boring and tame.
With the latter, you don't hear many testimonies like mine because mine are boring and unexciting, since I grew up in Christian Mr. Roger's neighborhood. A lot of testimonies (at least the ones that get the spotlight) are about people who got out of doing drugs, prostitution, gang violence, etc.
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The problem is, God is not the same as another human being. And I'm tired of people acting like he is.
I have God. Great. But who's income am I gonna fall back on if I lose mine? Who am I going to spend the holidays, much less the mundane moments of life, with? Who am I going to get hugs and other physical contact from? Who's gonna hold me accountable when I'm tempted to sin?
God is my Lord and Savior. Nothing else. He's not my friend. He's not my "bridegroom." Nothing.
I've been told I'm angry. And maybe I am. Maybe I'm tired of giving and giving and giving to both God and people and getting little to nothing back. No one wants me so why should I want them?
I have God. Great. But who's income am I gonna fall back on if I lose mine? Who am I going to spend the holidays, much less the mundane moments of life, with? Who am I going to get hugs and other physical contact from? Who's gonna hold me accountable when I'm tempted to sin?
God is my Lord and Savior. Nothing else. He's not my friend. He's not my "bridegroom." Nothing.
I've been told I'm angry. And maybe I am. Maybe I'm tired of giving and giving and giving to both God and people and getting little to nothing back. No one wants me so why should I want them?
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yes lots of testimonies are never given as people think they are boring. but every testimony is wonderful.
and everyone who doesn't believe is going to same hell as the drug pushers , murderers. rapists and LGBT etc
WE all have decisions to make and while it may seem easy to some , it is never easy overcoming the flesh and its thoughts and desires. But with Christ and being filled with Holy SPirit we can make it.
and everyone who doesn't believe is going to same hell as the drug pushers , murderers. rapists and LGBT etc
WE all have decisions to make and while it may seem easy to some , it is never easy overcoming the flesh and its thoughts and desires. But with Christ and being filled with Holy SPirit we can make it.
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Couldn't have said it better myself.
To the OP (HP), I feel some of the same things you do, albeit from a guy's perspective. i want to be married myself; only because I want a woman's companionship. Not because it would be the "morally right" or "ideal" thing to do. Marriage and family are institutions from God, but like pretty much everything else, they have been turned into idols.
We worship marriage and family rather than God who gave them to us.
To the OP (HP), I feel some of the same things you do, albeit from a guy's perspective. i want to be married myself; only because I want a woman's companionship. Not because it would be the "morally right" or "ideal" thing to do. Marriage and family are institutions from God, but like pretty much everything else, they have been turned into idols.
We worship marriage and family rather than God who gave them to us.
Oh, love, I'm sorry you feel that way. I can totally relate, though. I don't presume to know exactly what The Lord is doing in your life but I can tell you just a short time ago I felt and was saying virtually all you just said and conveyed that you feel. I still am lonesome and I still long for companionship that I can experience with my five senses. But I have come to know the Lord better also in the time of aloneness. Largely because I felt backed into a corner and "unwanted".
Sadly I had to "default" to our God. He placed me in a space where that was my last hope. To look for Him to show me how He could satisfy my needs, provide for me, give me peace, give me joy, and restore my self-confidence and self-love, but more than anything to know and trust Him as I'd never known or trusted Him before. Because I'd never had to. I know the feeling of heartbreak and rejection, I promise you. But I also know the feeling of being so loved by the God of the universe that it doesn't matter anymore. And I'm not always as assured as I am in the moments when I feel fully surrendered because that takes effort and the Holy Spirit working together in some mysterious way that I can't being to formulate. It certainly isn't natural.
But yes, He is your friend. And yes, He can and I believe will fulfill your needs in a way you never fathomed could be done by someone you can't directly perceive with your natural senses. The Lord is perfect and complete and when you draw near to Him, He draws near to you and bestows that fullness, that completion upon you. That's just a fact. But it's difficult to do when we're steeped in bitterness. I was virtually crippled by first my circumstance, then my bitterness within them. 'Til I was so desperate and incapable of turning anywhere or to anyone else (after all, they'd already demonstrated they didn't want me, hadn't they??) but so longed for friendship, for the peace promised by our Father, that I reached out fervently as (I'm not proud to admit) a last resort. These verses come to my mind just for you:
1) Jeremiah 29: 12-14
"Then you will call upon Me and come and pray to Me, and I will listen to you. 13You will seek Me and find Me when you search for Me with all your heart. 14 I will be found by you, declares the LORD, and I will restore you from captivity and gather you from all the nations and places to which I have banished you, declares the LORD. I will restore you to the place from which I sent you into exile.”
Sometimes he sends us into exile, or lets us wander there on our own so that we will grow desperate for Him and seek Him with all our hearts...
2) Philippians 4:6-8
"6 Be anxious for nothing, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 7 And the peace of God,which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. 8 Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think on these things.…"
I know it's easier said than done -- I promise I do -- but the Lord delights in your praise and your, by the power of the Holy Spirit, exalting Him and acknowledging Him as the absolute good Father that He is. Praise Him anyway. Because He IS good and He loves you so much.
Love you, sis.
I'll be praying for you.
Thank you for your words. I'm glad things seemed to have worked out for you.
But your experience is not mine, and mine is no one else's. I did the same thing you did. I did everything I was told to deepen my relationship with God. I tried for a very long time. But it all ended up being for naught, so I had to adjust my expectations and just deal with what I got. That's not being bitter. That's being realistic.
The truth is, like I said, like it or not, God is going to disappoint us. He's God. I don't have the right to tell him how to do things and no one else does either. He doesn't always satisfy someone's needs just because they ask for it, which is why I don't trust someone when they say God can and will satisfy me like no one and nothing else can (after I roll my eyes).
Besides, what makes any of us so special when we're all just one of literally billions of people? God can tell me all he wants that he loves me but I'm just gonna say, "So what? You love everyone." The problem is, when a love like God's is just available to anyone and everyone, it's not special, or unique, or compelling. It's a commodity. Family is nice, but I want to be chosen out of anyone else for once. I'm tired of having to share. I want something that's mine and mine alone.
Why do we have doctors and medicine then when we can just pray that God will heal us? If sickness is God's will, why pray for healing at all? That's another thing about what I call abuse theology. I hate the idea that God apparently takes away all that is good just so we can come crawling back to him. That is abuse. It's like a man hiring thugs to jump on his girlfriend just cause he wants to play hero. It's an ego trip.
But your experience is not mine, and mine is no one else's. I did the same thing you did. I did everything I was told to deepen my relationship with God. I tried for a very long time. But it all ended up being for naught, so I had to adjust my expectations and just deal with what I got. That's not being bitter. That's being realistic.
The truth is, like I said, like it or not, God is going to disappoint us. He's God. I don't have the right to tell him how to do things and no one else does either. He doesn't always satisfy someone's needs just because they ask for it, which is why I don't trust someone when they say God can and will satisfy me like no one and nothing else can (after I roll my eyes).
Besides, what makes any of us so special when we're all just one of literally billions of people? God can tell me all he wants that he loves me but I'm just gonna say, "So what? You love everyone." The problem is, when a love like God's is just available to anyone and everyone, it's not special, or unique, or compelling. It's a commodity. Family is nice, but I want to be chosen out of anyone else for once. I'm tired of having to share. I want something that's mine and mine alone.
Why do we have doctors and medicine then when we can just pray that God will heal us? If sickness is God's will, why pray for healing at all? That's another thing about what I call abuse theology. I hate the idea that God apparently takes away all that is good just so we can come crawling back to him. That is abuse. It's like a man hiring thugs to jump on his girlfriend just cause he wants to play hero. It's an ego trip.
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Speaking of which, I just can't imagine God's so-called plan for my life involving anything I might find appealing (if anything I expect the opposite). And even if it did, I would be immediately suspicious, 'cause nothing in life, at least nothing good, is free.
I feel guilty simply for wanting to be happy. I feel guilty for all the blessings I have because I know so much of the world does not have those same blessings. And since my mind thinks very much in terms of black and white (not that I want it to, it just does) phrases like "enjoy in moderation," don't make sense to it. It's either one or the other, never both. My mind knows idolatry is bad, so it says I should stay away from anything that could potentially be idolatrous altogether. But of course, I don't always do that. And when I don't heed that part of my mind, it makes me feel guilty as punishment. So I'm basically in a lose-lose situation.
I know this isn't exactly healthy, but I didn't ask to be born with this way of thinking. If God does want to have a relationship with me, why make it ten times harder for me than everyone else? Whether or not he made me this way, I hate it. It's brought nothing but stress and loneliness and isolation.
I feel guilty simply for wanting to be happy. I feel guilty for all the blessings I have because I know so much of the world does not have those same blessings. And since my mind thinks very much in terms of black and white (not that I want it to, it just does) phrases like "enjoy in moderation," don't make sense to it. It's either one or the other, never both. My mind knows idolatry is bad, so it says I should stay away from anything that could potentially be idolatrous altogether. But of course, I don't always do that. And when I don't heed that part of my mind, it makes me feel guilty as punishment. So I'm basically in a lose-lose situation.
I know this isn't exactly healthy, but I didn't ask to be born with this way of thinking. If God does want to have a relationship with me, why make it ten times harder for me than everyone else? Whether or not he made me this way, I hate it. It's brought nothing but stress and loneliness and isolation.
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Well it feels awkward responding to you as man tbh. I am 28 single all my life (and any physical intimacy of any sort) granted I have held hands with a girl twice (both times they grabbed my hand) and I was like "hmm, this feels pleasant". Oh I have also had platonic hugs <3
I have had plenty of issues with impurity...it wasn't ever "oh this is convenient, I prefer this to the real deal and I prefer this to getting married"
I'm not going to sit here and type out my personal story. It mirrors yours after a fashion. Just realize you appear to have some deep seated bitterness toward the Lord about it. I say that from my perspective because I definitely have some and I've moved past a good bit of it (with his help ofc). Where I was at 25 is FAR different from where I am now at 28.
There was a time I was anti-ministry of any sort, but if you are set against it you need to examine the "why". If it's because you disagree with how someone else does it...are you them? What have they to do with you? Paul disagreed with people and the disciples had shortcomings. Life is ministry if you are a believer. It could
You said you did everything you were "told" to do and it didn't work. Who told you? Your relationship with the Lord is oftentimes between you and him. Are you praying out of duty? Are you reading your Bible out of duty?
^Duty is not a bad thing. Being Loyal. Being self-sacrificial. All good things...however it doesn't take out the need for provision of the fiery side of his presence. There is a deep royal love that he has for us that requires DIGGING. It's hidden. There are mysteries out there that can satisfy the hungriest of hearts. HE is your satisfaction. However, he isn't YOUR servant. Even if you understand this mentally...understanding it spiritually/heartwise is another matter. That takes him honestly.
I'm not trying to be rude about that, but understand that there a lot of people (myself included) that think God owes us. If we have a fault it's his fault. If we aren't happy it's his fault. If we don't have the desires of our heart and are a sodden mess of confusion, loneliness, and unsatiation since we are children that's his error as a parent. If we have soiled our wrappings we need him to change us.
Do you see how "that" mindset pervades the church and the world at large? Do you think that's "kosher"?
Change yourself? If the power of his spirit is within you...you CAN. You are an overcomer. A lot of times I feel like the enemy can bring us to this place of powerlessness and it's just a plain lie. Even when you see through a lie he can cause you to feel stupid for not seeing it sooner. I'm not going to get into how he works in my life but condemnation is from the pit. Correction is not. Discerning the difference between the two takes THE ADVOCATE.
So I will get off my soap box for a tad. Your post struck a chord with me because as I said our stories are similar. I too have issues with all these testimonies of the Lord bringing people out of things and delivering people from things and we celebrate them. You really DO NOT know what they went through and they are powerful acts of God to be displayed. He SEES the secret/hidden things as well stories/testimonies that aren't able to be put on display in the same fashion.
Think of Enoch's story. Don't you think it's one of the best stories ever? It's a secret. God has those too btw
...I started typing this out earlier in the day but felt like I should wait. That's the problem with threads, they keep growing.
So you've posted some other responses that would necessarily change what I write.
It is quite odd that, like I said, a lot of things you say seem to mirror places that I've been.
He does want relationship...you say that God loves everyone so it's not special and to that I can only say that you haven't really delved deep into it. Possibly because he isn't letting you or your pride is not. Spiritual pride is a thing and he doesn't like it.
Leastways I know it was for me.
You aren't special. You are however unique. There isn't anyone like you anywhere. That should at least give you some solace that a creator that is that "creative" can work in ways that you can't imagine. It's not humanly possible. Such boundless creativity can enlarge our concept of God. The 7 billion people concept and feeling like you are just so insignificant...I feel you there. How could God really care that much individually? It is indeed unfathomable for us that's why we stand on his word. I've had some crazy personal experiences but they didn't start happening until I was 26 (other than my dream life) except in small pockets. I wasn't really SEARCHING with desperation. Rather I was searching with a "ho hum" mentality. Sunshine christian summer soldier...that kind of thing.
I will tell you that the enemy is real also and there may come a point in time where you don't really have a choice to stay where you are mentally. You choose Jesus or by default you choose the enemy. The enemy will cause you to feel very special for a time, but I'm sure you are aware he comes to steal, kill, and destroy. It's one thing to read it in the word it's another to experience it. Every time it seems like love. Nope. #trick.
I'm not like most Christians either, I often feel like I don't fit anywhere either. For a long time I felt like I could just be a casual Christian or treat it like some type of spellwork. If I pray enough, if I read enough, if I do this ministry or that ministry or if I abstain from everything clearly forbidden the Lord would surely do "x, y, z" for me. It doesn't work like that.
You may benefit of studying what the law is. Like what it means to be free from the law of sin and death. I know it sounds silly but there are always things you don't know. Humbling yourself is hard.
I would also recommend asking for the spirit to be poured into you. Stop disassociating your feelings and communicate. There are some pretty personal prayers to pray that I'll be honest, when I finally realized that I was dabbling dangerously close to the occult in my thought patterns, and my attitude I realized I needed help in a way that was beyond an almost "deist" God.
I am consistently AMAZED at what opens up to me when I read scripture while actually asking the Lord to be with me. To talk to HIM about the stuff that I feel first. Granted he knows but would you really want a relationship with your future spouse to be all unspoken? Sometimes just talking things out to him can be pretty cool...wonderful counselor?
I realize that was a super long post. I have a lot in me on the subject and I'm sure a good bit of this will miss the mark as we are all pretty different even when similarities exist. There are areas where I don't trust the Lord. Whether he even wants me to get married. He hasn't told me. I ALWAYS wanted to and assumed it was obviously the ONLY reason I was here and that the only purpose in my life was to worship him with my flesh in a way that solo I clearly could not. As someone that's had a spiritual hug when I was really sad, I know he cares.
It's just your right, sometimes that personal physical touch is just maybe needed? Consider Adam and why Eve was made.
I will add one other funny thought I had. You talked about not being satisfied and I appreciate fleshing this out (because it helps me with my own issues as well) but apply the same concept about God not satisfying to food and the necessity of it. Why can't he just send us manna? He did it for the Israelites, why not us? He did it for others also.
To answer: Idk. It'd be cool if he did but I do at least know where to get food at present
God sometimes works in ways that can be frustrating. He isn't aloof. He isn't senile. He wants to be CHASED sometimes.
Again not to be rude (realize that words on the internet are pretty difficult to discern the readers voice) but if you don't like it. Tough. Is that mean? Nope. It's loving. The enemy is always looking for slaves. Some slaves even get exalted into prestigious positions to rule and have whatever they want...besides freedom of course. You want a real
I have had plenty of issues with impurity...it wasn't ever "oh this is convenient, I prefer this to the real deal and I prefer this to getting married"
I'm not going to sit here and type out my personal story. It mirrors yours after a fashion. Just realize you appear to have some deep seated bitterness toward the Lord about it. I say that from my perspective because I definitely have some and I've moved past a good bit of it (with his help ofc). Where I was at 25 is FAR different from where I am now at 28.
There was a time I was anti-ministry of any sort, but if you are set against it you need to examine the "why". If it's because you disagree with how someone else does it...are you them? What have they to do with you? Paul disagreed with people and the disciples had shortcomings. Life is ministry if you are a believer. It could
You said you did everything you were "told" to do and it didn't work. Who told you? Your relationship with the Lord is oftentimes between you and him. Are you praying out of duty? Are you reading your Bible out of duty?
^Duty is not a bad thing. Being Loyal. Being self-sacrificial. All good things...however it doesn't take out the need for provision of the fiery side of his presence. There is a deep royal love that he has for us that requires DIGGING. It's hidden. There are mysteries out there that can satisfy the hungriest of hearts. HE is your satisfaction. However, he isn't YOUR servant. Even if you understand this mentally...understanding it spiritually/heartwise is another matter. That takes him honestly.
I'm not trying to be rude about that, but understand that there a lot of people (myself included) that think God owes us. If we have a fault it's his fault. If we aren't happy it's his fault. If we don't have the desires of our heart and are a sodden mess of confusion, loneliness, and unsatiation since we are children that's his error as a parent. If we have soiled our wrappings we need him to change us.
Do you see how "that" mindset pervades the church and the world at large? Do you think that's "kosher"?
Change yourself? If the power of his spirit is within you...you CAN. You are an overcomer. A lot of times I feel like the enemy can bring us to this place of powerlessness and it's just a plain lie. Even when you see through a lie he can cause you to feel stupid for not seeing it sooner. I'm not going to get into how he works in my life but condemnation is from the pit. Correction is not. Discerning the difference between the two takes THE ADVOCATE.
So I will get off my soap box for a tad. Your post struck a chord with me because as I said our stories are similar. I too have issues with all these testimonies of the Lord bringing people out of things and delivering people from things and we celebrate them. You really DO NOT know what they went through and they are powerful acts of God to be displayed. He SEES the secret/hidden things as well stories/testimonies that aren't able to be put on display in the same fashion.
Think of Enoch's story. Don't you think it's one of the best stories ever? It's a secret. God has those too btw
...I started typing this out earlier in the day but felt like I should wait. That's the problem with threads, they keep growing.
So you've posted some other responses that would necessarily change what I write.
It is quite odd that, like I said, a lot of things you say seem to mirror places that I've been.
He does want relationship...you say that God loves everyone so it's not special and to that I can only say that you haven't really delved deep into it. Possibly because he isn't letting you or your pride is not. Spiritual pride is a thing and he doesn't like it.
Leastways I know it was for me.
You aren't special. You are however unique. There isn't anyone like you anywhere. That should at least give you some solace that a creator that is that "creative" can work in ways that you can't imagine. It's not humanly possible. Such boundless creativity can enlarge our concept of God. The 7 billion people concept and feeling like you are just so insignificant...I feel you there. How could God really care that much individually? It is indeed unfathomable for us that's why we stand on his word. I've had some crazy personal experiences but they didn't start happening until I was 26 (other than my dream life) except in small pockets. I wasn't really SEARCHING with desperation. Rather I was searching with a "ho hum" mentality. Sunshine christian summer soldier...that kind of thing.
I will tell you that the enemy is real also and there may come a point in time where you don't really have a choice to stay where you are mentally. You choose Jesus or by default you choose the enemy. The enemy will cause you to feel very special for a time, but I'm sure you are aware he comes to steal, kill, and destroy. It's one thing to read it in the word it's another to experience it. Every time it seems like love. Nope. #trick.
I'm not like most Christians either, I often feel like I don't fit anywhere either. For a long time I felt like I could just be a casual Christian or treat it like some type of spellwork. If I pray enough, if I read enough, if I do this ministry or that ministry or if I abstain from everything clearly forbidden the Lord would surely do "x, y, z" for me. It doesn't work like that.
You may benefit of studying what the law is. Like what it means to be free from the law of sin and death. I know it sounds silly but there are always things you don't know. Humbling yourself is hard.
I would also recommend asking for the spirit to be poured into you. Stop disassociating your feelings and communicate. There are some pretty personal prayers to pray that I'll be honest, when I finally realized that I was dabbling dangerously close to the occult in my thought patterns, and my attitude I realized I needed help in a way that was beyond an almost "deist" God.
I am consistently AMAZED at what opens up to me when I read scripture while actually asking the Lord to be with me. To talk to HIM about the stuff that I feel first. Granted he knows but would you really want a relationship with your future spouse to be all unspoken? Sometimes just talking things out to him can be pretty cool...wonderful counselor?
I realize that was a super long post. I have a lot in me on the subject and I'm sure a good bit of this will miss the mark as we are all pretty different even when similarities exist. There are areas where I don't trust the Lord. Whether he even wants me to get married. He hasn't told me. I ALWAYS wanted to and assumed it was obviously the ONLY reason I was here and that the only purpose in my life was to worship him with my flesh in a way that solo I clearly could not. As someone that's had a spiritual hug when I was really sad, I know he cares.
It's just your right, sometimes that personal physical touch is just maybe needed? Consider Adam and why Eve was made.
I will add one other funny thought I had. You talked about not being satisfied and I appreciate fleshing this out (because it helps me with my own issues as well) but apply the same concept about God not satisfying to food and the necessity of it. Why can't he just send us manna? He did it for the Israelites, why not us? He did it for others also.
To answer: Idk. It'd be cool if he did but I do at least know where to get food at present
God sometimes works in ways that can be frustrating. He isn't aloof. He isn't senile. He wants to be CHASED sometimes.
Again not to be rude (realize that words on the internet are pretty difficult to discern the readers voice) but if you don't like it. Tough. Is that mean? Nope. It's loving. The enemy is always looking for slaves. Some slaves even get exalted into prestigious positions to rule and have whatever they want...besides freedom of course. You want a real
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NOOOO sorry...it wouldn't let me edit my post and I didn't realize that at the bottom that was added from before and I thought I deleted it. So beneath the I actually meant to retract that. Since it's there, just know that there is more to be said on the subject and that you may find a time in your life where you have to RUN to him. There's stuff out there we as human beings are NOT equipped to handle outside the Lord being with us. Do I understand why? Not at all.
I actually meant to retract that. Since it's there, just know that there is more to be said on the subject and that you may find a time in your life where you have to RUN to him. There's stuff out there we as human beings are NOT equipped to handle outside the Lord being with us. Do I understand why? Not at all.
HP, good to see you. I respect your transparency. I think you are brave. I know this sounds too simple but my first thought is trust in Him, His timing and His will, for your life whatever that may be. I don't always do so well in that department myself but when I do, I am more free to rest in Him. As far as what others speculate, assume, or conclude about you or the choices you make, I think of the verse...
and to aspire to live quietly, and to mind your own affairs, and to work with your hands, as we instructed you,
1 Thessalonians 4:11 ESV
Fitting in and pleasing man requires a great deal of compromise that doesn't line up with His Spirit and Word. We are called to be set apart.
I have always considered myself a misfit of sorts and there have been times when looking in from the outside left me feeling a great deal of unnecessary hurt of perceived rejection. He has been teaching me that once I get out of my ego and insecurities than I will have more room to serve Him and others without me in mind.
I am not there yet, Sister, but I lean on the hope of His righteousness.
Btw, my testimony is filled with poor choices and ditches as are many. I am learning to forgive myself and grateful for how He saved me. However, I admire the fact that you have avoided many of those choices and mistakes.
God Bless you Sister.
and to aspire to live quietly, and to mind your own affairs, and to work with your hands, as we instructed you,
1 Thessalonians 4:11 ESV
Fitting in and pleasing man requires a great deal of compromise that doesn't line up with His Spirit and Word. We are called to be set apart.
I have always considered myself a misfit of sorts and there have been times when looking in from the outside left me feeling a great deal of unnecessary hurt of perceived rejection. He has been teaching me that once I get out of my ego and insecurities than I will have more room to serve Him and others without me in mind.
I am not there yet, Sister, but I lean on the hope of His righteousness.
Btw, my testimony is filled with poor choices and ditches as are many. I am learning to forgive myself and grateful for how He saved me. However, I admire the fact that you have avoided many of those choices and mistakes.
God Bless you Sister.
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Thank you for your words. Allow me to respond though.
My parents told me. I read about it online. And I tried, multiple times. And I thought love was an action, not a feeling. Doing a duty IS love, especially when you don't feel like doing it and do it for no reward.
But here's the kicker. Are we meant to live by faith or feelings? You can't have it both ways. I find this a catch-22. I'm supposed to do these things even when I don't feel like it, yet I should always feel like doing it. See the problem there? Pick one and stick to it. Faith or feelings.
I don't believe God owes me anything. But then, why should I expect anything of him at all? He's God and he can do whatever he wants when he wants, regardless of whether or not I pray.
And even if I still have the spirit, the choice to "change" is MY choice. People change because THEY want to, not because someone else wants them to. That's why women stay in abusive relationships cause they hope they can change the person. They can't.
Special and unique are synonyms. Look it up in the thesaurus. And even then, so what if I'm unique? We value things based on their amount. For example, diamonds aren't expensive because they're rare but because only a few companies have a monopoly on them. Otherwise, regardless of how "unique" each one looks, they'd all be worthless because there's so many of them.
And I hate to tell you this but not every Christian has crazy experiences like you do.
And I know the "x, y, z" formula doesn't work like that. You get no reward and in fact more punishment (from the world) for being a good Christian. The only benefit that comes with being a Christian is the hellfire insurance. Being a Christian does not make you happier or more fulfilled or a more moral person. It doesn't solve any of your problems. It doesn't make you healthy or wealthy or anything.
There are happy and fulfilled atheists and there are mean and spiteful Christians. There are atheists who do fine without God, and there are Christians who never experienced God's comfort, not even in their hour of need, and they commit suicide out of despair.
I'm not saying I'm suicidal. I'm just being honest and admitting what no one else is willing to. Being a Christian is not sunshine and rainbows. It's pain and thorns.
And none of you as far as I've concerned are reading what I've written. I HAVE talked about my feelings to God. I HAVE poured out my heart and soul to him. I HAVE asked to be filled with his spirit. SO MANY TIMES I LOST COUNT. And satisfaction never came. We can't all be so blessed.
And I'm not some surface level Christian. I was fed on this, I was fed on the Bible, literally since before I was born. I can recite the gospel backwards. I know things about my faith that many Christians in America don't. But that does not make faith easier. If anything it makes it harder.
And while my desire to be married isn't as strong as it once was, the reason I still want it is because that's the only way I'll have permanent companionship of any kind as an adult in this world. We value our friends even less than we value our co-workers we aren't friends with.
Think about it. With friends, there are no ceremonies, no holidays centered around it (nothing like mother's day or father's day), no tax benefits, no social standing, no kids, no blood ties, no legal contracts, no pay day...nothing. You can also leave the relationship at any time and suffer no social repercussions for it. If anything you're applauded for leaving your friends behind when you get married, like it's a high school graduation. And those living according to Darwinism must admit that there's no reason to have friends because they don't provide any immediate survival benefits. If anything, according to Darwinism, they're a burden.
And yet we wonder why many of us are so lonely. Maybe if we didn't constantly preach that marriage can satisfy all your relationships needs (it can't) we wouldn't have so many people addicted to porn and people who are isolated to the point where they literally get angry enough to shoot someone.
But for the time being, I just have to live with the way things are. But whatever. I'm used to being alone and I'm used to being different. I'm used to being overlooked and I'm used to being ignored. And I'm used to people not understanding me. If people don't want me as I am, that's their loss.
Nevertheless, we all need companionship. And in today's relationship economy of bleak social conditions, I'll eventually have to take the only option available to me.
My parents told me. I read about it online. And I tried, multiple times. And I thought love was an action, not a feeling. Doing a duty IS love, especially when you don't feel like doing it and do it for no reward.
But here's the kicker. Are we meant to live by faith or feelings? You can't have it both ways. I find this a catch-22. I'm supposed to do these things even when I don't feel like it, yet I should always feel like doing it. See the problem there? Pick one and stick to it. Faith or feelings.
I don't believe God owes me anything. But then, why should I expect anything of him at all? He's God and he can do whatever he wants when he wants, regardless of whether or not I pray.
And even if I still have the spirit, the choice to "change" is MY choice. People change because THEY want to, not because someone else wants them to. That's why women stay in abusive relationships cause they hope they can change the person. They can't.
Special and unique are synonyms. Look it up in the thesaurus. And even then, so what if I'm unique? We value things based on their amount. For example, diamonds aren't expensive because they're rare but because only a few companies have a monopoly on them. Otherwise, regardless of how "unique" each one looks, they'd all be worthless because there's so many of them.
And I hate to tell you this but not every Christian has crazy experiences like you do.
And I know the "x, y, z" formula doesn't work like that. You get no reward and in fact more punishment (from the world) for being a good Christian. The only benefit that comes with being a Christian is the hellfire insurance. Being a Christian does not make you happier or more fulfilled or a more moral person. It doesn't solve any of your problems. It doesn't make you healthy or wealthy or anything.
There are happy and fulfilled atheists and there are mean and spiteful Christians. There are atheists who do fine without God, and there are Christians who never experienced God's comfort, not even in their hour of need, and they commit suicide out of despair.
I'm not saying I'm suicidal. I'm just being honest and admitting what no one else is willing to. Being a Christian is not sunshine and rainbows. It's pain and thorns.
And none of you as far as I've concerned are reading what I've written. I HAVE talked about my feelings to God. I HAVE poured out my heart and soul to him. I HAVE asked to be filled with his spirit. SO MANY TIMES I LOST COUNT. And satisfaction never came. We can't all be so blessed.
And I'm not some surface level Christian. I was fed on this, I was fed on the Bible, literally since before I was born. I can recite the gospel backwards. I know things about my faith that many Christians in America don't. But that does not make faith easier. If anything it makes it harder.
And while my desire to be married isn't as strong as it once was, the reason I still want it is because that's the only way I'll have permanent companionship of any kind as an adult in this world. We value our friends even less than we value our co-workers we aren't friends with.
Think about it. With friends, there are no ceremonies, no holidays centered around it (nothing like mother's day or father's day), no tax benefits, no social standing, no kids, no blood ties, no legal contracts, no pay day...nothing. You can also leave the relationship at any time and suffer no social repercussions for it. If anything you're applauded for leaving your friends behind when you get married, like it's a high school graduation. And those living according to Darwinism must admit that there's no reason to have friends because they don't provide any immediate survival benefits. If anything, according to Darwinism, they're a burden.
And yet we wonder why many of us are so lonely. Maybe if we didn't constantly preach that marriage can satisfy all your relationships needs (it can't) we wouldn't have so many people addicted to porn and people who are isolated to the point where they literally get angry enough to shoot someone.
But for the time being, I just have to live with the way things are. But whatever. I'm used to being alone and I'm used to being different. I'm used to being overlooked and I'm used to being ignored. And I'm used to people not understanding me. If people don't want me as I am, that's their loss.
Nevertheless, we all need companionship. And in today's relationship economy of bleak social conditions, I'll eventually have to take the only option available to me.
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