Marriage Advice

[lexiyu92]

Hey everyone,
I was just needing a little bit of advice about my marriage. My husband and I have been married only a year and 4 months now. At first things were good and then they turned sour and I've started realizing some things about him. He drinks too much, talks about doing drugs and seems in general depressed. It had gotten so bad that for four months, we were in a sexless and emotionless marriage. Now since a week ago, I have moved home with my family due to the things he says to me and the way he treats me(does not want sex, overly critical, refuses to talk about issues, says he wants to be alone, always threatening divorce, I was diagnosed with anxiety and depression). When I left, I sent him a message that I would go home for a few months to clear my head, he decided to cut off my cards and to reverse my car payment. Only when I called him crying did he turn it back on and responded by saying, I thought you weren't coming back. Since being here, I have tried to speak with him and he is nice if I don't ask him any questions, but if I do he responds by saying I thought we were getting a divorce. My response is okay, I do not want a divorce but I cannot stop you. He will then say "well what do you think?"
I have recently been studying my word a lot more and building my own personal relationship with God for the last few months. I have always been in church, prayed, read the bible but I realized that for so long, my relationship with God and my knowledge has been piggybacked on that of my parents. My husband, now identifies as an atheist (which I didn't know) and always said the last few months "well if there is a God then why does he allow starvation and why would he allow me to have this life?"(I know nothing about his deeper issues because he refuses to talk about them.) I've read that we are not to be unequally yoked with unbelievers, but how does this work now that I am before my newly learned knowledge? I have spoken to my Bishop here and prayed about it and he says to stay here for a little while and enjoy myself. I have also seen things while praying, it was if I was sitting back home with my husband and a shaw surrounded him and it said " Man of God" and I also saw that I was pregnant with my first child.
Thanks so much in advance, any advice on what I can do would help. I would prefer things to work out because I don't really believe in divorce.

 

[blueluna5]

That's a really tough one.

I'm confused about the visions you had while praying. I've only had visions in dreams or auditory in prayer, but only you would know if it's God. The vision should be extremely bright and gold-like, not just normal coloring if that makes sense.

His behaviors are definitely erratic. Personally I wouldn't be able to do it. I don't know if he's cheating or just severely depressed. He needs depression meds then, not alcohol or drugs. I don't know him to know if there's really a serious problem or he's being dramatic. I feel like you would probably know a serious problem though after over a year.

People go through rough patches but that's over the top and rather immature of him honestly. I definitely wouldn't recommend bringing a baby into the mix at this point.

Sending prayers your way.

 

[Dino246]

Welcome to CC, Lexiyu!

Among all the other issues, it sounds like there is confusion about the distinction between separation and divorce. You are presently separated, though not legally. Perhaps your husband thinks that separation is just a step toward divorce. It doesn't have to be!

A better way to deal with separation is to set a time frame and specific steps toward reconciliation. If those steps are taken, you get back together; if not, you reassess. You don't need to let go of your marriage completely at this point.

 

[lexiyu92]

Hey guy, thanks for the responses. I have decided to proceed with the divorce. My husband responded to me leaving by joining tinder because he needed a “confidence boost” because I left. He decided to send screen shots and wanted to actually talk to get my attention and prove he wasn’t talking to anyone. I have been in contact with him the whole time and I just canning condone cheating, even if he didn’t actually talk to anyone. The intent is enough for me.

 

[Lafftur]

Hey guy, thanks for the responses. I have decided to proceed with the divorce. My husband responded to me leaving by joining tinder because he needed a “confidence boost” because I left. He decided to send screen shots and wanted to actually talk to get my attention and prove he wasn’t talking to anyone. I have been in contact with him the whole time and I just canning condone cheating, even if he didn’t actually talk to anyone. The intent is enough for me.

Tinder is a cry for help. He’s crying for help whether he realizes it or not.

He loves you but, needs to get right with God.

We can’t face our issues and overcome them without God..

 

[lexiyu92]

Tinder is a cry for help. He’s crying for help whether he realizes it or not.

He loves you but, needs to get right with God.

We can’t face our issues and overcome them without God..[/

What do you mean a cry for help? Also, I would be willing to forgive him but he is still to this day consistently nasty to me and also screaming out about how he wants a divorce and saying he loves me but can’t be with me. It’s just so much

 

[Lafftur]

What do you mean a cry for help? Also, I would be willing to forgive him but he is still to this day consistently nasty to me and also screaming out about how he wants a divorce and saying he loves me but can’t be with me. It’s just so much

Hello lexiyu92,

When we are in pain because of unresolved issues, we tend to reach for drugs, sex, excessive alcohol anything that we think will make us feel better. When we reach for these things it is a "cry for help" because these are things we would not be reaching for if we were happy and content.

 

[Papou]

Hey guy, thanks for the responses. I have decided to proceed with the divorce. My husband responded to me leaving by joining tinder because he needed a “confidence boost” because I left. He decided to send screen shots and wanted to actually talk to get my attention and prove he wasn’t talking to anyone. I have been in contact with him the whole time and I just canning condone cheating, even if he didn’t actually talk to anyone. The intent is enough for me.

You took the right decision ! His behavior is typical of manipulative and abusive men (Based on your posts) ! Be strong and don't worry sunny days are coming ...

 

[Lafftur]

What do you mean a cry for help? Also, I would be willing to forgive him but he is still to this day consistently nasty to me and also screaming out about how he wants a divorce and saying he loves me but can’t be with me. It’s just so much

Lexiyu92,

I'm so sorry for what you are going through.

These are some Christian books and videos that have helped me understand:

Read his whole book "How to Stop the Pain."

These two books:

 

[Godsgirl83]

I have also seen things while praying, it was if I was sitting back home with my husband and a shaw surrounded him and it said " Man of God" and I also saw that I was pregnant with my first child.
Thanks so much in advance, any advice on what I can do would help. I would prefer things to work out because I don't really believe in divorce.

Do you want to see this come to pass? If he wants a divorce, let that be on him. He should be the one to pursue steps to make that happen. I can tell by what you have shared that you REALLY DO NOT want it to come to that. The best "advice" I can share with you at this point is to draw closer to the Lord.

I have recently been studying my word a lot more and building my own personal relationship with God for the last few months. I have always been in church, prayed, read the bible but I realized that for so long, my relationship with God and my knowledge has been piggybacked on that of my parents.

James 4:8 tells us "Draw near to God, and He will draw near to you."
He wants a PERSONAL relationship with YOU.
It's not easy at time in marriage. Your with someone all the time, they see your good your bad, your ugly. But if your proclaiming to be a Christian and yet following the ways of the world, how does that reflect Christ to an unsaved spouse? It's hard, I know (been there).
Try listening to yourself when you speak to your husband and reflect on your actions and attitude towards him. I know it's not easy when we feel hurt and betrayed. Jesus loves us UNCONDITIONALLY, to the point of death on the cross even knowing how we would treat Him. We've all heard it said "actions speak louder than words". What are your actions saying? When is the last time you said to him "I love you"? not all googly eyed and romantic/girly but simply with a pure heart, not with anger or bitterness or hurt? Simply "I love you" and leave it at that. No discussion, no tantrums if he doesn't respond or responds with attitude of confusion.
Praying for you!
Blessings!

 

[Magenta]

Welcome to CC, Lexiyu!

Among all the other issues, it sounds like there is confusion about the distinction between separation and divorce. You are presently separated, though not legally. Perhaps your husband thinks that separation is just a step toward divorce. It doesn't have to be!

A better way to deal with separation is to set a time frame and specific steps toward reconciliation. If those steps are taken, you get back together; if not, you reassess. You don't need to let go of your marriage completely at this point.

Is there such a thing as an illegal separation? I wonder why people say such things

 

[lexiyu92]

Lexiyu92,

I'm so sorry for what you are going through.

These are some Christian books and videos that have helped me understand:

Read his whole book "How to Stop the Pain."

These two books:

Thank you so much. I will watch these and read his other book. I have read the 5 love languages from when we were in counseling.

 

[lexiyu92]

Do you want to see this come to pass? If he wants a divorce, let that be on him. He should be the one to pursue steps to make that happen. I can tell by what you have shared that you REALLY DO NOT want it to come to that. The best "advice" I can share with you at this point is to draw closer to the Lord.

James 4:8 tells us "Draw near to God, and He will draw near to you."
He wants a PERSONAL relationship with YOU.
It's not easy at time in marriage. Your with someone all the time, they see your good your bad, your ugly. But if your proclaiming to be a Christian and yet following the ways of the world, how does that reflect Christ to an unsaved spouse? It's hard, I know (been there).
Try listening to yourself when you speak to your husband and reflect on your actions and attitude towards him. I know it's not easy when we feel hurt and betrayed. Jesus loves us UNCONDITIONALLY, to the point of death on the cross even knowing how we would treat Him. We've all heard it said "actions speak louder than words". What are your actions saying? When is the last time you said to him "I love you"? not all googly eyed and romantic/girly but simply with a pure heart, not with anger or bitterness or hurt? Simply "I love you" and leave it at that. No discussion, no tantrums if he doesn't respond or responds with attitude of confusion.
Praying for you!
Blessings!

I am not sure. On one hand I do and on the other I just am done feeling so down and depressed.
This is the exact scripture that my mother and brother sent to me. I agree that that is the best thing that I can do. I’ve been reading a lot more and we have started an extra family bible study night on saturdays since I have been home.
I would say that my actions lately have not been that good now that I’m thinking on it. They show irritation even when I say I love you and do not want a divorce. Thank you for that. It’s good to turn and take a look at my actions also. No matter how bad I feel he is acting towards me, it never justifies my actions

 

[Dino246]

Is there such a thing as an illegal separation? I wonder why people say such things

"Separated" is an actual marital status in Canada following a Legal Separation. It allows you to divide your assets formally without divorcing. It might be different in other jurisdictions. Terminology can be confusing!

 

[Magenta]

"Separated" is an actual marital status in Canada following a Legal Separation. It allows you to divide your assets formally without divorcing. It might be different in other jurisdictions. Terminology can be confusing!

The point is that there is no such thing as an illegal separation

I do understand that getting the legal system involved to mediate a separation puts a legal spin on it, but separations are "legal" whether the courts are involved or not

 

[Dino246]

The point is that there is no such thing as an illegal separation

Gotcha. That's why I said "not legally" rather than "illegally".

#Engrish

 

[Magenta]

Gotcha. That's why I said "not legally" rather than "illegally".

#Engrish

I was "legally" separated for over thirty years before I got divorced

Um, what? If something is not legal, isn't it illegal?

It is the addition of the word "legal" that is confusing...

Since there is no such thing as an illegal separation.

 

[Dino246]

I was "legally" separated for over thirty years before I got divorced

Wow! That's patience! (or perhaps apathy)

 

[Magenta]

Wow! That's patience! (or perhaps apathy)

More like apathy One massive failure of that calibre seemed quite enough, thank you very much We did discuss getting divorced a few times over the ensuing years, but since neither one of us at any point (before recently) desired to remarry despite our both moving on, what was the point of divorce? It was a mere legality, red tape, and meant nothing to either one of us. (I was not a Christian for the majority of those years, and he is still a hard core atheist.)

 

[Lafftur]

I think this is what God's design was for a husband and a wife............. becoming one in body, soul and spirit............

To love in Body:
- Love what I see (physically attractive to each other)
- Love what I hear (the sound of their voice, their breathing, their laughter)
- Love what I taste (kisses are sweet)
- Love what I smell (natural body scent or cologne/perfume that is stimulating and comforting)
- Love what I touch (enjoy each other's affection)
- Love to help each other physically when you need an extra hand

To love in Soul:
- Love how they think (intellectually stimulate and inspire each other to grow and learn new things, conversations that hold each others attention)
- Love how they feel (connect emotionally by laughing together, crying together, angry together, happy together, feel what each other feels emotionally)
- Love their dreams and desires (share dreams, goals, desires, future hopes with each other)

To love in Spirit:
- Love God together (both put God first and each other second, then the kiddos; provoke each other to good works that are pleasing in God's sight; pray with and for each other; read the Bible together; go to church together; etc.)

God's design is beautiful ..........................

In any relationship - marriage, parent/child, siblings, friends, co-workers....... there needs to be good respectful communication and forgiveness.

God wants these healthy vibrant relationships for us. We really need to humble ourselves and submit to His plan and ways for our lives. It's the only chance we have at really experiencing loving relationships.

All things are possible with God.