Heavy heart, and suicidal thoughts.

[StanwayTheSilent]

I have a daughter, she is four years old, I had her from before the Lord revealed himself to me, and put me on new paths- I split with her mother a few months before I started searching for God - we were not married, and her mother has full custody over my daughter - now this situation has a "grip" on me, where I am feeling as if I am being controlled, and I have no peace in my heart with the Lord, because I feel as if I mess up all day, every day.

One thing I wanted was a family life, and to be a good father for my daughter - but I don't have this now, and I feel as if I let my daughter down, fail her as a father, I was meant to be there for her - and I also do fear for her soul as God wants us to teach our children in the way they should go.

I see my daughter twice a month, over the weekends, - I want her fulltime, but do not want to go through all the trouble in court, where we risk losing her to child protective services, they're jumpy where I come from, my impression at least. We may work out a 50/50% over time, even though this is not a good solution, and I do know that all solutions without the Lord involved and after his will, does bring hurt......

I am being controlled now, and I feel so guilty.
Her mother is playing with my heart at the moment, and I have been waiting for her to truly regret the deeds she has done, so the Lord can heal her and put her on new paths, but it has not happened. She is now pregnant with another man, and is thinking about aborting the child... - she has "had me on hold", I've been waiting for her and hoping for her to turn to the Lord, she has also "kept me" - and manipulated me, and I feel betrayed and deceived, this is not right. I feel responsible. Am I?
Is this my fault? Should I keep going through this, and bend my heart in hope for a godly grief in her life?

Can I leave her for good, and have no contact with a good conscience, other than the contact with my daughter twice a month for now, because having contact with her mother really hurts my wellbeing, - and I also fear for her use of my child. I am anxious.
I don't know if I can take it anylonger - and I do not want to speak evil of her, she does not know the Lord, and therefore she can't see the hurt she brings herself and those around her.

I do also want a family life, I am a lonely man at this moment, and really long to love a wife, I am very grieved that my daughter has to go through those emotions that may come from not being with her father, the lying toughts that tell her she is not wanted, etc... I think so much on the hurt she goes through, and I think I hate myself. So much pain from not knowing the Lord.....

So what do I do?

 

[Bingo]

I have a daughter, she is four years old, I had her from before the Lord revealed himself to me, and put me on new paths- I split with her mother a few months before I started searching for God - we were not married, and her mother has full custody over my daughter - now this situation has a "grip" on me, where I am feeling as if I am being controlled, and I have no peace in my heart with the Lord, because I feel as if I mess up all day, every day.

One thing I wanted was a family life, and to be a good father for my daughter - but I don't have this now, and I feel as if I let my daughter down, fail her as a father, I was meant to be there for her - and I also do fear for her soul as God wants us to teach our children in the way they should go.

I see my daughter twice a month, over the weekends, - I want her fulltime, but do not want to go through all the trouble in court, where we risk losing her to child protective services, they're jumpy where I come from, my impression at least. We may work out a 50/50% over time, even though this is not a good solution, and I do know that all solutions without the Lord involved and after his will, does bring hurt......

I am being controlled now, and I feel so guilty.
Her mother is playing with my heart at the moment, and I have been waiting for her to truly regret the deeds she has done, so the Lord can heal her and put her on new paths, but it has not happened. She is now pregnant with another man, and is thinking about aborting the child... - she has "had me on hold", I've been waiting for her and hoping for her to turn to the Lord, she has also "kept me" - and manipulated me, and I feel betrayed and deceived, this is not right. I feel responsible. Am I?
Is this my fault? Should I keep going through this, and bend my heart in hope for a godly grief in her life?

Can I leave her for good, and have no contact with a good conscience, other than the contact with my daughter twice a month for now, because having contact with her mother really hurts my wellbeing, - and I also fear for her use of my child. I am anxious.
I don't know if I can take it anylonger - and I do not want to speak evil of her, she does not know the Lord, and therefore she can't see the hurt she brings herself and those around her.

I do also want a family life, I am a lonely man at this moment, and really long to love a wife, I am very grieved that my daughter has to go through those emotions that may come from not being with her father, the lying toughts that tell her she is not wanted, etc... I think so much on the hurt she goes through, and I think I hate myself. So much pain from not knowing the Lord.....
So what do I do?

"Your words I have read, and I can only share my thoughts from this
side of the 'glass'. Too often we go through life depending solely on our
own selfishness of worldly attitudes and behaviors, and not striving to
make an effort to strive to comply to God's 'inspiration of the principles
of life' as we should...from my experience, I know this to be true with
myself...and I found out the hard way, my selfish ways did not work out
very well...making many wrong choices, hurting myself and those closest
to me...I have learned since I turned my life over to God's care...if I
don't let go of the past...the past will not let go of me. I cannot change
another person, it's impossible and will be a never ending burden.
By the grace of God, I picked up the broken pieces and moved forward with a new outlook of my life,
to be a loving and caring person and not to hold resentments or anger, it only blocks out God's 'principles' of living life in the now. I had to surrender to accepting things I could not change,
and to learn to change the things I could...my attitude and behavior!
We are meant to survive, but we have to be willing to change ourselves,
and seriously strive to practice the 'principles' of God's way, in all our
affairs. It is with hope, you find God's way to help put your life together
with strength, courage and a spiritual attitude and behavior to overcome
your family difficulties. We can, so long as we work at it...believe it!"
'Praise God'

 

[Dino246]

Thanks for sharing, Stanway...
Don't try to figure everything out, and don't try to work everything out. Instead, commit your way to the Lord fully. Entrust this entire situation to Him, and bring it to Him regularly. Ask Him to change you and your situation; He will work out the rest in good time. Read His word and seek His face often, and He will change you as He sees fit. Don't give mental space to "what-if" situations, lies, and discouraging thoughts. May God bless you with peace, patience, and wisdom.

 

[Dan58]

I see my daughter twice a month, over the weekends, - I want her fulltime

For now, I'd try to be content with that.. Since you were never married and she was awarded full custody, it would be difficult and expensive to change the current arrangement. Its just the repercussions of doing things out of order, but since you can't change the past and can't control the future, just embrace the here & now and enjoy seeing your daughter a couple times each month.

 

[Zan]

More concerning than the custody issues to me is what you mentioned in your headline about suicide. If you are struggling with depression and suicidal thoughts, that needs to be addressed first.

 

[Homewardbound]

More concerning than the custody issues to me is what you mentioned in your headline about suicide. If you are struggling with depression and suicidal thoughts, that needs to be addressed first.

I agree with Zan here. Sometimes all we can do is pray, and take care of our own life.
I also want to add that it wouldn't hurt to see a counsellor. You are important Fellow Believer!

 

[he-rat_of_the_circus-mice]

I have a daughter, she is four years old, I had her from before the Lord revealed himself to me, and put me on new paths- I split with her mother a few months before I started searching for God - we were not married, and her mother has full custody over my daughter - now this situation has a "grip" on me, where I am feeling as if I am being controlled, and I have no peace in my heart with the Lord, because I feel as if I mess up all day, every day.

One thing I wanted was a family life, and to be a good father for my daughter - but I don't have this now, and I feel as if I let my daughter down, fail her as a father, I was meant to be there for her - and I also do fear for her soul as God wants us to teach our children in the way they should go.

I see my daughter twice a month, over the weekends, - I want her fulltime, but do not want to go through all the trouble in court, where we risk losing her to child protective services, they're jumpy where I come from, my impression at least. We may work out a 50/50% over time, even though this is not a good solution, and I do know that all solutions without the Lord involved and after his will, does bring hurt......

I am being controlled now, and I feel so guilty.
Her mother is playing with my heart at the moment, and I have been waiting for her to truly regret the deeds she has done, so the Lord can heal her and put her on new paths, but it has not happened. She is now pregnant with another man, and is thinking about aborting the child... - she has "had me on hold", I've been waiting for her and hoping for her to turn to the Lord, she has also "kept me" - and manipulated me, and I feel betrayed and deceived, this is not right. I feel responsible. Am I?
Is this my fault? Should I keep going through this, and bend my heart in hope for a godly grief in her life?

Can I leave her for good, and have no contact with a good conscience, other than the contact with my daughter twice a month for now, because having contact with her mother really hurts my wellbeing, - and I also fear for her use of my child. I am anxious.
I don't know if I can take it anylonger - and I do not want to speak evil of her, she does not know the Lord, and therefore she can't see the hurt she brings herself and those around her.

I do also want a family life, I am a lonely man at this moment, and really long to love a wife, I am very grieved that my daughter has to go through those emotions that may come from not being with her father, the lying toughts that tell her she is not wanted, etc... I think so much on the hurt she goes through, and I think I hate myself. So much pain from not knowing the Lord.....

So what do I do?

I can't give advice so much as I can describe how I would act.

Remember that God doesn't hold us responsible for how others act - He holds us responsible for how we act.

From your description, it would appear your wife has committed marital unfaithfulness. My understanding of Jesus words is that this brings any adultery from a divorce upon her head - divorcing her doesn't force her to commit adultery, as she has already done that.

I would do whatever I could for my daughter, short of breaking man's laws, which I believe God expects us to live in peace with, so far as we are able. But I would have no second thoughts about moving on from my wife, if that was my desire. I would also pray very much for my daughter's soul, as it would appear she would essentially be in the devil's lair. I would also pray believing that God would grant that which I ask, as He loves children very much, and does not want them prevented from coming to Him.

May God bless you and your daughter.

 

[MessageOfTheCross]

The righteous cry out, and the LORD hears them; He delivers them from all their troubles (Psalms 34:17). Do Yourself No Harm - Acts 16:28

If you are thinking about suicide, God is telling you the same thing that He told the Philippian jailer: “Do yourself no harm.” Things are never as bad as they seem. There is always hope in Jesus Christ. God always has help and alternatives as people trust Him and seek His salvation and will for their lives. God loves you and has a plan and purpose for your life (Jer. 29:11).

 

[Locoponydirtman]

I have thought about this for days, because what I have to say is not going to sound very nice. Just as many of the sayings of Jesus sound very harsh but are in Ernest the truth in love. I hope to convey what I have to say in truth and in love. Because I do empathize with you.
This first statement should be a relief if taken properly. You are not in control; God is. Leave it that way and stop trying to manipulate the situation and this woman. You have to leave that to God.
You have to accept some hard truths. You were with a woman and had a child, but you weren't married to her. The relevance here is that when we sin there sometimes is serious natural consequences that comes with it, now God in his grace may alleviate those consequences but some times he leaves us in them to do the right thing with it now under the circumstances we created. I hope that God will alleviate the worst of these for you and provide more opportunity for you to have you daughter, and who knows, at some age she may come stay with you, but that's up to God. I pray his mercy and Grace in this situation.
She has done been with another man and is stringing you along by your emotional weakness. Time for you to get some real counseling so that you can learn to let her go. She will string you along as long as she can and you have to stop letting her. Now is time to seek God and seek to be the best dad you can be, with the time you have with your child.
As for the suicide thing, well it's time to get out of your emotions and accept that what you have to do now is seek God, work hard, and spend as much quality time as you possibly and reasonably can with your daughter. If you stay stuck on the suicide thing you will only abandon your child. Lots of dad's who don't have full time custody of their children are still really great dad's and their children love them dearly. When those children are grown they often spend more time with their dad than they do anyone else.

 

[StanwayTheSilent]

Thank you so much to each and every one of you for the kindness you've shown me. I really do appreciate you all, taking the time to reply back to me, and I've taken the advice given to heart, and I am much better off now than I was. I am a wiser man this day, than I was before I posted, and I thank you all once again. This has given much light into my current situation, and because of this I am much better off than I was, with hope for what is coming. I see much clearer now. Many, many thanks to every one of you.

Warm regards.

 

[Bingo]

Thank you so much to each and every one of you for the kindness you've shown me. I really do appreciate you all, taking the time to reply back to me, and I've taken the advice given to heart, and I am much better off now than I was. I am a wiser man this day, than I was before I posted, and I thank you all once again. This has given much light into my current situation, and because of this I am much better off than I was, with hope for what is coming. I see much clearer now. Many, many thanks to every one of you.

Warm regards.