And I feel like the only way I can get someone to pay attention is if I get mad. No one pays attention or takes seriously someone who's meek and mild all the time.
On certain days though, I like being angry. It makes me feel like I have value and what I have to say matters. It gets sh*t done!
I know it's pathetic, but sometimes I'm willing to do just about anything to get attention, for people to acknowledge I exist. Any attention, even if it's bad, is better than none at all.
I understand what you're saying, History, and I'm truly sorry that you feel the only way to get people to pay attention to you is when you say something shocking and angry.
I don't mean to be condescending at all, but this seems like perfect opportunity to sort out a few things that might help you. For instance, I know you've written many, many threads about the evils of sexual abuse. Does this topic make you angry because you want to do something about it, or because you find it the only means to get people to listen to you?
You said that you sometimes like being angry. Do you like it because it gets you this attention, or because you genuinely want to do something to fight back against the evils that seem to bother you so much?
I know you feel alone, but many feel the way you do. Believe me, I understand what you're saying about feeling helpless and as if there is nothing you can do. I know you think that no one understands, but we do.
I had a situation once in which I came face-to-face with a good friend's abuser, and I thought to myself, "Lord, if you'd just give me Samson's strength, just this one time, I'd really love to punch this guy right in the middle of his face so that all the cartilage behind his nose gets shoved right through his brain, and he would never hurt another child again," because the guy kept getting out of prison and victimizing more kids.
And God told me, "No, (Seoul), I want you to learn to forgive him." And you can imagine what kind of reaction I had towards God. That was years ago, and I'm still not entirely there yet. You're not the only one who hates seeing the injustices of this world, especially when they're standing right in front of you and are free to repeat the same cycle all over again.
History, if these are the kinds of things that bother you so much, God is giving you an opportunity right here. I've seen at least 3 very brave women in this thread try to reach out to you and tell them that they went through what would be my worst nightmares, and not only has God gotten them through it, but He's also given them the hearts to reach out to someone else.
You talk about how angry you are that your friend was abused, and I'm so sorry for what he went through, but wouldn't this be a perfect opportunity to learn from others what they went through and how God helped them deal with it?
THIS is how we fight back as Christians: we reach out to others; we share and listen to stories; we pray for each other and encourage each other, even when life throws the very worst at us. Every time we reach to someone, every time we ask how they are or give them a cyber hug or listen to their stories, we are taking something back from the devil, and he hates that, so this is why he tries to keep us wrapped up in our own pains instead of reaching out to others.
You say it would be a waste of time to talk to people--then why are you writing these threads, because writing these threads is talking to people. You obviously see a value in trying to reach out in SOME way, so why not take it a step further and talk to a few people as individuals? But if you feel that lashing out in anger at an entire audience is what feels best to you and what you prefer to do rather than trying to connect with people and form friendships that would help ease that loneliness, the choice is up to you.
I am hoping though, that you might choose to give some of these people in your thread a chance. If you haven't noticed them already, I can think of 3 women right off the bat and would probably see more if I re-read every post. Now, you are exactly right in that if you don't think you're a person worth knowing, then there's nothing anyone else can do--but you don't know if you don't try.
I know you were gracious enough to send me a PM a little while back and you may feel free to continue doing so, but I would greatly encourage you to reach out to others who have posted here as well. I haven't kept up with all the recent subscription rules, so if there are people you would like to contact in this thread but don't have a subscription, just let me know and I will pay it for you.
All I ask is please, don't overlook the opportunities God is giving you right here to connect with individuals who are trying so hard to help.
Your thread started out as being about as confrontational as can be so of course, there are going to be some confrontational answers back. However, don't let that blind you from the people who are truly trying to reach out to you.
You tell us how lonely and unheard you are, but God is setting people right here in front of you who want to listen to you and help ease your loneliness.
Please, don't be as blind as I was in these kinds of situations and pass a God-given opportunity right by.