Too legit to quit?

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cinder

cinder

Senior Member
#1
Mar 26, 2014
4,426
2,416
113
#1
Prayer request time at my small group last night, my brother's life choices, and now some posts here as well have got me wondering about when is it incorrect or irresponsible of us to advise someone to leave a less than ideal long term relationship.

For example, a couple years ago my brother moved in with a gal who has 5 kids and really is the type of person who is so terrified of being alone that she's been in bad relationships rather than being single. His presence has done that family a lot of good and given them much needed stability, but it has also eaten up a lot of his time, finances, and energy. I still can't see the attraction, but I do realize that they depend on him financially as well as just for the general organized running of the household. And so even though I don't think she's a great choice to be in a relationship with and I certainly don't approve of living together before marriage, I also don't think he would be treating her right or doing the right thing to just up and leave because he decided for whatever reason that he'd had enough and couldn't do this anymore even though they're not officially married and he has no legal obligation to stay or give them a dime.

And it's got me thinking while I know that living and sleeping together outside of marriage are sinful (and can lead to all kinds of messes); I also know that there are many people who do so and in their process of coming to know the Lord, they will have to struggle with the implications and costs of that decision and what that would mean for their relationship going forward. And they'll be looking to those of us within the church to give them wise Godly counsel as they work through such things. And I would like to have more answers to give than I have and sometimes I'd just like to see discussion of such things among believers extend a little farther than "God said it's wrong so you must stop" without offering any support to help people actually transition into obedience.

So throw out your thoughts. When is a relationship to legit to just quit on it because things are hard? How do we conceptualize the level of commitment appropriate to a relationship in it's various stages? How do we help people help each other become better instead of just dismissing people's struggles as lack of faith or commitment or character?
 
Didymous

Didymous

Senior Member
#2
Feb 22, 2018
5,047
2,101
113
#2
I would suggest you just pray for God's will in your brother's life. I know at least one Christian man that lived in sin with a woman. One of them married his girl, and he's a pastor now. And honestly, I don't think anyone knows enough about relationships to know, but I KNOW God knows. If we all spent more time praying for God's perfect will for each other, then the situations we worry about might be better, but for sure we'd be better.
 
K

Kim82

Guest
#3
#3
cinder said:
God said it's wrong so you must stop"
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You can't force anyone to live a certain lifestyle, so if someone is living together before marriage, you just have to pray for them that God will give them the strength to do what is right.
 
Dino246

Dino246

Senior Member
#4
Jun 30, 2015
25,412
13,756
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#4
Fair question, Cinder.

A few thoughts... if he has been living with this gal and her kids, and financially supporting them for a couple of years, in the eyes of the state, they are married. If he were to "up and leave" he might find himself on the hook for child support if not "spousal" support as well.

Is their relationship a "marriage"? Ultimately that's for God to decide, but I would say 'No'. They have an arrangement, not a commitment. That to me is the distinction. If they were both to come to Christ at the same time, that would be best, because they might both be willing to 'pause' their relationship, get married, and go forward together.

You say you don't see the attraction; is there attraction between them? Or is it just your brother being a "white knight"? Is there relationship "solid" in every but except spiritually? If so, I'd suggest that you encourage them to commit to each other formally, and of course, to come to Christ. In Christ they will get there.

Regardless of whether their relationship is healthy or not (otherwise), as D. said, pray for them. Continually. As you're probably already doing. :)
 
Oncefallen

Oncefallen

Idiot in Chief
Staff member
#5
Jan 15, 2011
6,061
3,407
113
#5
Dino246 said:
Fair question, Cinder.

A few thoughts... if he has been living with this gal and her kids, and financially supporting them for a couple of years, in the eyes of the state, they are married. If he were to "up and leave" he might find himself on the hook for child support if not "spousal" support as well.
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That varies a lot from one state to the next. Only 16 states and the District of Columbia recognize common law marriage and five of those states only recognize common law that originated prior to a specific date that would appear to fall prior to his moving in with this lady dropping that number of states to 11.

Of those states the statutes dictating what creates a common law marriages differs but it seems that most of them (including Colorado where I live) your status depends on a combination of cohabitation and presenting yourselves as man and wife rather than boyfriend/girlfriend or engaged. In other words, you can live in the same house, sleep in the same bed, and have children together for 20 years and not have a common law marriage but you can also cohabitate for 24 hours and be common law married.
 
cinder

cinder

Senior Member
#6
Mar 26, 2014
4,426
2,416
113
#6
Oncefallen said:
That varies a lot from one state to the next. Only 16 states and the District of Columbia recognize common law marriage and five of those states only recognize common law that originated prior to a specific date that would appear to fall prior to his moving in with this lady dropping that number of states to 11.

Of those states the statutes dictating what creates a common law marriages differs but it seems that most of them (including Colorado where I live) your status depends on a combination of cohabitation and presenting yourselves as man and wife rather than boyfriend/girlfriend or engaged. In other words, you can live in the same house, sleep in the same bed, and have children together for 20 years and not have a common law marriage but you can also cohabitate for 24 hours and be common law married.
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Seems like common law doesn't always have a lot of common sense.
 
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