I understand, truly I do. Inner ache can be so painful. I truly believe ,though, that you will get through this, just keep reaching out to Him and praying. You might need to seek Christian counseling, as they have skills and tools that can address this more hands on. I am encouraged that you are not giving up, and that you are reaching out. I will pray for you and with you, hoping that you find strength, restoration and rest, and of course peace in Him. You play the guitar huh? How so very cool.