The forgiveness thread got me thinking about what's the difference between being forgiving and being a victim / doormat who puts yourself in situations that God wouldn't want you in because of a skewed view of forgiveness. On the other side would be the people who maybe don't practice Biblical forgiveness because they are afraid of being taken advantage of or think that any forgiveness means they have to allow that person to be a repeat offender.
And the other thought I had was that oftentimes abusive and unscrupulous people (as well as well meaning but misguided people), will use the idea of forgiveness to manipulate people and especially christians. Tell someone their behavior is wrong and you won't allow it around you anymore (or really either one of those things) and they'll probably retort "I thought Christians were supposed to be forgiving".
So how do we define proper forgiveness and how do we know when our forgivenessometer (please tell me we can make that a real word) is improperly calibrated and we aren't doing forgiveness in the best, healthiest, most Godly way? What experiences have helped shape your idea of what forgiveness is? In what circumstances do you feel you've forgiven too much or too quickly? In what circumstances do you feel you've been stingy with the forgiveness?
Cinder, this is a very profound tug along these threads...
You have already received the Gold Star responses that I have read so far... and while I agree with so much of the insight that has been shared so far - I'll try to limit some of my thoughts 'by exception' to describe some of the dynamic challenges that I see as contributing factors for consideration...
I hypothesize that while the very noble Gold-Star insights and approach toward forgiveness vs victim/doormat can be interpreted in general terms with universal application - that certain factors such as: Relationship, Personality Types, Phases of Acceptance and Understanding - have a substantial role...
- Understanding: Yes - with thorough understanding and acceptance comes genuine forgiveness that can lead toward reconciliation or completeness or closure or acceptance for each unique circumstance...
- Relationships: Yes - we should be forgiving regardless of the relationship; but the type of relationship does infer level of interest and level of effort.
- Personality Types: Yes - we should be equally forgiving of all personality types; but we (us and them) are all different which raises so many combinations of dynamics and complexities that can occur between certain personality types.
- Phases of Acceptance: refers to the phases that most people go through upon feeling offended, judged, wronged or otherwise. The longer someone is conflicted without attaining acceptance suggests that they are less likely to deal with the problem wisely.
Phases of Acceptance include: 1) Event trigger, 2) Denial, 3) Anger (could trigger aggression), 4) Depression (could manifest), 5) Contemplation, 6) Acceptance...
-Family Relationships can be quite complex; but they infer a need for a heightened level of effort and understanding...
-Friends and Colleagues are unique relationships that potentially require a different level of effort, interest and boundaries. I like to refer to as 'rules of engagement.'
-Strangers who might offend you still warrant our understanding and our forgiveness; which requires us to have the fortitude to expedite our 'understanding' and level of effort to forgive such persons - by simply acknowledging the weight of the cross that they bare warrants our empathy - faster.
- Personality Types: The Myers Briggs assessment suggests the vast dynamic relationships between people with varying personality types. Sometimes different people require a different level of effort or unique approaches in order to improve those relationships. The unfortunate truth is that there are certain persons that we may come into contact with that for whatever reason are simply a toxin in our lives. In those extreme cases - ending or limiting relationships with toxic people may be necessary; which is understandable and forgivable. Either way, it is not until we have a complete 'understanding' of these unique circumstances that we are able make the requisite adjustments for those relationships; and once that understanding is made genuine forgiveness becomes attainable.
- Phases of Acceptance: coupled with all these dynamics above now add the inherent complexity of both us and them going thru our own varying phases of the Acceptance cycle which can often times confuse and confound any relationship and the potential for forgiveness. Interestingly, some people are able to cycle thru the Acceptance Phases a lot faster than others.
Depending upon the relationship - if it is family - many of us are able to demonstrate a genuine level of 'unconditional love', commitment and understanding that enables quick acceptance and forgiveness...
Alternatively, there are those who might be perceived as co-dependents - who enable others to treat them as a doormats for no other reason than the do not wish to place their relationship at risk... Rather, the may very well fully understand (Phase 5) Contemplation) that their continued cycle of forgiveness is not likely to change their circumstances within that relationship.
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. But true some sins are so horrible, and they, the sins themselves, are unforgivable. Maybe knowing that would make it easier to forgive the offender rather than the offense.
