Married Single Parent, When You Can't Help

[kaylagrl]

I've posted about this situation before. I just don't know what to do. Have you ever prayed and felt like things are getting worse? My sister has two boys, one just turned 13 and the other is turning 11. My sister is in an abusive relationship. She's been married 15 yrs. They've gone for help several times but nothing changes. Her husband has a violent temper. He has put holes in the walls, beaten up phones,pc,windows,toys,whatever he can get his hands on. She maintained he has never hit her yet a few months back she hinted he has pushed or shoved her. He is mentally abusive. Some of the things he's said are so foul I cannot repeat. He talks to her like she is a prostitute. He claims to be a born again Christian.

Over the years I've prayed with her,cried with her, comforted her as best I could. I try to be there for her boys but they live over 2 hrs away. The youngest was hording garbage a year ago,they put him on meds. The oldest is off his meds but he is obsessed with guns. He has a YouTube channel about guns,bb guns but has an absolute obsession with guns. I'm not against guns in any way,and I think he ought to learn gun safety etc. But his fixation on it concerns me. I don't want to add to my sisters burden,she has so much on her plate. Her in-laws are 100% behind him and against her. Even threatened to call authorities and charge with being an unfit mother. Well knowing what their son is really like.

I spoke to her this morning because I saw something on her FB. She told me things were bad again and that she would leave except she feels divorce would be worse for the boys,moving them from their home. But I'm afraid that she doesn't see that staying may be causing as much harm to the boys as leaving. The boys are at the age that there is no way to hide what is going on. Her husband has threatened suicide twice now,once while holding a knife. I so desperately want to help,I feel frustrated. The last time we visited the youngest stayed in the yard in the dark calling out to us how he loved us as we drove away. I quietly cried as the others in the car talked. What can I do? It's heartbreaking. Again and again he gives her false hope saying it will change. He has stopped going to church. He works nights and he posted on FB a picture of my sister and the boys in the living room having devotions in the evening as he was coming home. My sister is raising these boys alone. I fear what will happen with no father to lead them,to talk to them about life and how to be a man. If this was your loved ones what would you do? What can I do? I just want them to have a happy home,but I don't believe this man is capable of that and I honestly believe he cares about the damage he is doing. smh

 

[Dino246]

Father, please give Kayla the guidance and wisdom that are right for her in this situation.

Kayla, put them in God's hands, that He would protect and guide them. You can't fix this situation, and you can't carry it; only Jesus can. Ignore what her in-laws are saying as it will only add to your stress. Sadly, if your sister won't leave, there is little you can do beyond praying. She needs to see leaving as the first step in resolution... whatever that looks like. It sounds to me like her marriage has been over for a while... she just hasn't realized it yet. Offer to help her make that first step out, and perhaps help pay for a lawyer to secure a restraining order to keep him away from her. Just don't enable her to stay in that situation.

 

[blue_ladybug]

Baloney. If he's hit windows, walls, etc, then he most definitely IS abusing your sister as well. And the kid who has a gun, who's to say he won't kill his father with it? Or himself, or his entire family? Your sister needs to divorce this jack donkey ASAP. This isn't a marriage anymore, and it's certainly not what God intended for her and her kids.

They've been to counseling, didn't work. He treats her like sh** and she's enabling it by staying and putting up with it. She needs to woman up, get responsible and put herself and her kids first..

 

[Solemateleft]

I've posted about this situation before. I just don't know what to do. Have you ever prayed and felt like things are getting worse? My sister has two boys, one just turned 13 and the other is turning 11. My sister is in an abusive relationship. She's been married 15 yrs. They've gone for help several times but nothing changes. Her husband has a violent temper. He has put holes in the walls, beaten up phones,pc,windows,toys,whatever he can get his hands on. She maintained he has never hit her yet a few months back she hinted he has pushed or shoved her. He is mentally abusive. Some of the things he's said are so foul I cannot repeat. He talks to her like she is a prostitute. He claims to be a born again Christian.

Over the years I've prayed with her,cried with her, comforted her as best I could. I try to be there for her boys but they live over 2 hrs away. The youngest was hording garbage a year ago,they put him on meds. The oldest is off his meds but he is obsessed with guns. He has a YouTube channel about guns,bb guns but has an absolute obsession with guns. I'm not against guns in any way,and I think he ought to learn gun safety etc. But his fixation on it concerns me. I don't want to add to my sisters burden,she has so much on her plate. Her in-laws are 100% behind him and against her. Even threatened to call authorities and charge with being an unfit mother. Well knowing what their son is really like.

I spoke to her this morning because I saw something on her FB. She told me things were bad again and that she would leave except she feels divorce would be worse for the boys,moving them from their home. But I'm afraid that she doesn't see that staying may be causing as much harm to the boys as leaving. The boys are at the age that there is no way to hide what is going on. Her husband has threatened suicide twice now,once while holding a knife. I so desperately want to help,I feel frustrated. The last time we visited the youngest stayed in the yard in the dark calling out to us how he loved us as we drove away. I quietly cried as the others in the car talked. What can I do? It's heartbreaking. Again and again he gives her false hope saying it will change. He has stopped going to church. He works nights and he posted on FB a picture of my sister and the boys in the living room having devotions in the evening as he was coming home. My sister is raising these boys alone. I fear what will happen with no father to lead them,to talk to them about life and how to be a man. If this was your loved ones what would you do? What can I do? I just want them to have a happy home,but I don't believe this man is capable of that and I honestly believe he cares about the damage he is doing. smh

 

[blue_ladybug]

I've posted about this situation before. I just don't know what to do. Have you ever prayed and felt like things are getting worse? My sister has two boys, one just turned 13 and the other is turning 11. My sister is in an abusive relationship. She's been married 15 yrs. They've gone for help several times but nothing changes. Her husband has a violent temper. He has put holes in the walls, beaten up phones,pc,windows,toys,whatever he can get his hands on. She maintained he has never hit her yet a few months back she hinted he has pushed or shoved her. He is mentally abusive. Some of the things he's said are so foul I cannot repeat. He talks to her like she is a prostitute. He claims to be a born again Christian.

Over the years I've prayed with her,cried with her, comforted her as best I could. I try to be there for her boys but they live over 2 hrs away. The youngest was hording garbage a year ago,they put him on meds. The oldest is off his meds but he is obsessed with guns. He has a YouTube channel about guns,bb guns but has an absolute obsession with guns. I'm not against guns in any way,and I think he ought to learn gun safety etc. But his fixation on it concerns me. I don't want to add to my sisters burden,she has so much on her plate. Her in-laws are 100% behind him and against her. Even threatened to call authorities and charge with being an unfit mother. Well knowing what their son is really like.

I spoke to her this morning because I saw something on her FB. She told me things were bad again and that she would leave except she feels divorce would be worse for the boys,moving them from their home. But I'm afraid that she doesn't see that staying may be causing as much harm to the boys as leaving. The boys are at the age that there is no way to hide what is going on. Her husband has threatened suicide twice now,once while holding a knife. I so desperately want to help,I feel frustrated. The last time we visited the youngest stayed in the yard in the dark calling out to us how he loved us as we drove away. I quietly cried as the others in the car talked. What can I do? It's heartbreaking. Again and again he gives her false hope saying it will change. He has stopped going to church. He works nights and he posted on FB a picture of my sister and the boys in the living room having devotions in the evening as he was coming home. My sister is raising these boys alone. I fear what will happen with no father to lead them,to talk to them about life and how to be a man. If this was your loved ones what would you do? What can I do? I just want them to have a happy home,but I don't believe this man is capable of that and I honestly believe he doesn't care about the damage he is doing. smh

The part in red, I fixed it for you..

 

[Hungry]

I've posted about this situation before. I just don't know what to do. Have you ever prayed and felt like things are getting worse? My sister has two boys, one just turned 13 and the other is turning 11. My sister is in an abusive relationship. She's been married 15 yrs. They've gone for help several times but nothing changes. Her husband has a violent temper. He has put holes in the walls, beaten up phones,pc,windows,toys,whatever he can get his hands on. She maintained he has never hit her yet a few months back she hinted he has pushed or shoved her. He is mentally abusive. Some of the things he's said are so foul I cannot repeat. He talks to her like she is a prostitute. He claims to be a born again Christian.

Over the years I've prayed with her,cried with her, comforted her as best I could. I try to be there for her boys but they live over 2 hrs away. The youngest was hording garbage a year ago,they put him on meds. The oldest is off his meds but he is obsessed with guns. He has a YouTube channel about guns,bb guns but has an absolute obsession with guns. I'm not against guns in any way,and I think he ought to learn gun safety etc. But his fixation on it concerns me. I don't want to add to my sisters burden,she has so much on her plate. Her in-laws are 100% behind him and against her. Even threatened to call authorities and charge with being an unfit mother. Well knowing what their son is really like.

I spoke to her this morning because I saw something on her FB. She told me things were bad again and that she would leave except she feels divorce would be worse for the boys,moving them from their home. But I'm afraid that she doesn't see that staying may be causing as much harm to the boys as leaving. The boys are at the age that there is no way to hide what is going on. Her husband has threatened suicide twice now,once while holding a knife. I so desperately want to help,I feel frustrated. The last time we visited the youngest stayed in the yard in the dark calling out to us how he loved us as we drove away. I quietly cried as the others in the car talked. What can I do? It's heartbreaking. Again and again he gives her false hope saying it will change. He has stopped going to church. He works nights and he posted on FB a picture of my sister and the boys in the living room having devotions in the evening as he was coming home. My sister is raising these boys alone. I fear what will happen with no father to lead them,to talk to them about life and how to be a man. If this was your loved ones what would you do? What can I do? I just want them to have a happy home,but I don't believe this man is capable of that and I honestly believe he cares about the damage he is doing. smh

When I was that boy’s age, I too was fascinated with guns. As a teen I became more fascinated with girls. My sister was in a similar situation. She left him and it caused other problems but safety was no longer one of them. He was a narcissist, and only cared about himself.

 

[Solemateleft]

Hi Kaylagrl, my heart goes out to you and your family. I will pray for you, your sister and her family...
I agree, that we, you and her can only control the things within our control...
I apologize if I am not up to speed upon any additional details leading up to this post...
If she is being physically abused she needs to call the authorities immediately...
If she is not in immediate physical danger...

It is my humble opinion in these circumstances that the innocent should not be pressured into making any rash decisions that could unfortunately have long term impact, unintentionally put themselves and their kids in a position of disadvantage with heighted struggles down the road - be it financially, safety or otherwise...
What I mean by that is that the Lord and the Law are on your sisters side in this scenario...

It is important that she begin to think along the lines of 'what is it that she can control?' and recognize that there is much more than she might imagine... Things that she can do that will create conditions for a more stable atmosphere for her and her kids.
Even if marriage counseling has been tried and ineffective - she might be able to use this fact to her advantage and strive to leverage this opportunity to get the counselors to encourage him to attend 'anger management'...

The variable that I/we do not understand is what is it that is causing his 'anger'? It's inexcusable to abuse a woman, but is his anger do to stress, work, finances or what? If so, is it possible that with the proper help that he might be able to better cope with his anger/stress? If not, than that fact would/should be documented...

The point is that she needs to be mindful of the things that she can control or influence in order to capture and document every opportunity and resource such that if/when she decides to invoke a restraining order - she has provided herself with a foundation of substantiating evidence that would allow her and the kids to stay in the home and force him to leave if and when it might come to that unfortunate outcome...

In the mean time we should all pray for HIS blessings upon this family...

 

[LadyInWaiting]

Maybe try being more upfront about it. Ask her if she really does care about her kids. Not only is the man abusive but she doesn't seem to put her children first. She seems to be staying with the husband because she doesn't want to be alone. What she said about the kids not having their father seems like a cop out. She doesn't really care what is happening to her boys because if she did, then she would have left a long time ago.
If I were you, I would have called CPS. Talk to her first and explain to her that she's ruining her kids' lives. This is going to stick with them forever. Abusive fathers cause so much damage. They make the home unstable and the kids become anxious nervous wrecks. I went through this myself and I'm a anxious mess! I'm almost 30 and there's finally a small light at the end of the tunnel but it takes years of therapy to get here. Please continue praying about it and have a very honest talk with your sister.

 

[kaylagrl]

Father, please give Kayla the guidance and wisdom that are right for her in this situation.

Kayla, put them in God's hands, that He would protect and guide them. You can't fix this situation, and you can't carry it; only Jesus can. Ignore what her in-laws are saying as it will only add to your stress. Sadly, if your sister won't leave, there is little you can do beyond praying. She needs to see leaving as the first step in resolution... whatever that looks like. It sounds to me like her marriage has been over for a while... she just hasn't realized it yet. Offer to help her make that first step out, and perhaps help pay for a lawyer to secure a restraining order to keep him away from her. Just don't enable her to stay in that situation.

Thank you brother,you have no idea how much your words are speaking to my heart right now.

 

[Subhumanoidal]

Do research on abuse victims, including how children are affected. Also about abusers. You can often find a list of classic symptoms, including promises to change but never changing as a way to manipulate.
Gather as many Facts as possible, including sources. Get information together on how to leave such situations. Plans, resources, etc...

Let her know that, legally speaking, her staying there with her children puts her at risk of losing them. She is, in the eyes of the law, seen as not protecting the children and could be held responsible. She has a legal Obligation to leave.

Children imitate parents. What kids observe is what they learn is normal and acceptable. So if she thinks it's damaging to the kids to leave imagine if they grow up beating their spouses and end up in jail or prison.

Verbal abuse is one step away from physical abuse. And if it's already began escalating to pushing then a slap won't be far behind. Then a punch. Then who knows what.

Often times the claim that they aren't leaving for the children is an excuse. You can't believe such a toxic, scary, violent, tumultuous upbringing is better for children than divorce.

She still may not listen, but when you give all the facts at least you've done your part to the fullest.

 

[kaylagrl]

The part in red, I fixed it for you..

Actually that is what I meant,just didn't preview before I hit send. Thanks for having my back.

 

[kaylagrl]

Hi Kaylagrl, my heart goes out to you and your family. I will pray for you, your sister and her family...
I agree, that we, you and her can only control the things within our control...
I apologize if I am not up to speed upon any additional details leading up to this post...
If she is being physically abused she needs to call the authorities immediately...
If she is not in immediate physical danger...

It is my humble opinion in these circumstances that the innocent should not be pressured into making any rash decisions that could unfortunately have long term impact, unintentionally put themselves and their kids in a position of disadvantage with heighted struggles down the road - be it financially, safety or otherwise...
What I mean by that is that the Lord and the Law are on your sisters side in this scenario...

It is important that she begin to think along the lines of 'what is it that she can control?' and recognize that there is much more than she might imagine... Things that she can do that will create conditions for a more stable atmosphere for her and her kids.
Even if marriage counseling has been tried and ineffective - she might be able to use this fact to her advantage and strive to leverage this opportunity to get the counselors to encourage him to attend 'anger management'...

The variable that I/we do not understand is what is it that is causing his 'anger'? It's inexcusable to abuse a woman, but is his anger do to stress, work, finances or what? If so, is it possible that with the proper help that he might be able to better cope with his anger/stress? If not, than that fact would/should be documented...

The point is that she needs to be mindful of the things that she can control or influence in order to capture and document every opportunity and resource such that if/when she decides to invoke a restraining order - she has provided herself with a foundation of substantiating evidence that would allow her and the kids to stay in the home and force him to leave if and when it might come to that unfortunate outcome...

In the mean time we should all pray for HIS blessings upon this family...

I guess that's the thing I don't understand. He makes great money. They have a lovely home. Almost any job you do is stressful but not enough to go ape the way he does. He works for Fed Ex and has for quite a few years so he will get early retirement. His family sees him as right in everything. The only issue he has is that he bought a plane and it is costing them a small fortune. It's to the point that they had to take a second mortgage out on their home because he refuses to sell it. He has cut back on groceries for the boys just to afford the plane. He promised her he would sell it,but now he refuses. He says he won't be happy without it. He blames her because he can't take the meds he is on and fly for a living,which is what he wants to do. The meds are for depression. He takes them sometimes and then goes off them. He has threatened twice now to commit suicide, had a knife and said he was going to do it. I'm afraid..... things could go very,very wrong. Would just appreciate everyone's prayers.

 

[MessageOfTheCross]

These problems we face are too severe to be talked out of anybody. The answer you seek, is found in the Cross. Many bypass the Cross for their solutions and Grace is cancelled. Only Grace is greater than sin. Victory only comes by Faith in Christ and the Cross. The operation of the Holy Spirit is accomplished through Faith and Grace. Romans 8:2

 

[Susanna]

He’s not going to improve. It’s so many red flags here that there’s really only one thing for her to do. Leave. Then get a restraining order, and, if she’s financially capable, get a good lawyer that can make sure the police is doing their job. The chances of him getting physically abusive are big. The way you are describing the situation this might end with the police knocking on her door, or worse, paramedics carrying her out on a stretcher.

 

[kaylagrl]

Do research on abuse victims, including how children are affected. Also about abusers. You can often find a list of classic symptoms, including promises to change but never changing as a way to manipulate.
Gather as many Facts as possible, including sources. Get information together on how to leave such situations. Plans, resources, etc...

Let her know that, legally speaking, her staying there with her children puts her at risk of losing them. She is, in the eyes of the law, seen as not protecting the children and could be held responsible. She has a legal Obligation to leave.

Children imitate parents. What kids observe is what they learn is normal and acceptable. So if she thinks it's damaging to the kids to leave imagine if they grow up beating their spouses and end up in jail or prison.

Verbal abuse is one step away from physical abuse. And if it's already began escalating to pushing then a slap won't be far behind. Then a punch. Then who knows what.

Often times the claim that they aren't leaving for the children is an excuse. You can't believe such a toxic, scary, violent, tumultuous upbringing is better for children than divorce.

She still may not listen, but when you give all the facts at least you've done your part to the fullest.

I've talked to my parents but they don't seem to be advising her to leave him. I cannot understand why. My mom thinks because they are Christians they shouldn't divorce. My father seems to believe my BILs lies. I don't hate my BIL,but I don't see him trying to save the marriage either. He says incredibly hurtful things to her,telling her a while back to go find someone else to have sex with.

I told her today when she said it was too hard for the kids if they divorced to be sure it wasn't going to be harder on them if she stayed. I really don't know what to do when I feel my parents aren't on the same page. Today I flat out said to my mother "how would you feel if he kills your daughter?!" My husband and I feel this is serious and I try to talk to my sister. She called me one day sobbing and said she had papers in hand to divorce him. I just prayed with her and asked for guidance. I honestly wouldn't be surprised if he has another woman or back to his ex-wife. Something isn't right,I feel it. I just don't know how to make everyone else see it.

Thanks for your advice too. I looked up hording when the youngest began collecting garbage and hiding it under his bed. Of course it has to do with stress. He visited my parents and when they left my mother found garbage all piled up behind the shower curtain. He has stopped since they put him on meds but in my mind that solves nothing. It doesn't get at the root of why he is doing it. I feel like the only one that sees how urgent this is.

 

[kaylagrl]

He’s not going to improve. It’s so many red flags here that there’s really only one thing for her to do. Leave. Then get a restraining order, and, if she’s financially capable, get a good lawyer that can make sure the police is doing their job. The chances of him getting physically abusive are big. The way you are describing the situation this might end with the police knocking on her door, or worse, paramedics carrying her out on a stretcher.

I agree and I'm afraid it's going to be the latter, her going out on a stretcher. He's done nothing to prove he's even trying to change. You know he told me not long after they married that he knew he had made the wrong choice a week after he married her. I mean,I'm her sister!! I actually told her she should get the marriage annulled. He has a daughter from another marriage who isn't married and just got pregnant. Her BF has no job and is on drugs. I feel so sorry for her but I'm also afraid that's where my nephews are headed. He has not kept his commitment as a husband or a parent.

 

[Subhumanoidal]

I've talked to my parents but they don't seem to be advising her to leave him. I cannot understand why. My mom thinks because they are Christians they shouldn't divorce. My father seems to believe my BILs lies. I don't hate my BIL,but I don't see him trying to save the marriage either. He says incredibly hurtful things to her,telling her a while back to go find someone else to have sex with.

I told her today when she said it was too hard for the kids if they divorced to be sure it wasn't going to be harder on them if she stayed. I really don't know what to do when I feel my parents aren't on the same page. Today I flat out said to my mother "how would you feel if he kills your daughter?!" My husband and I feel this is serious and I try to talk to my sister. She called me one day sobbing and said she had papers in hand to divorce him. I just prayed with her and asked for guidance. I honestly wouldn't be surprised if he has another woman or back to his ex-wife. Something isn't right,I feel it. I just don't know how to make everyone else see it.

Thanks for your advice too. I looked up hording when the youngest began collecting garbage and hiding it under his bed. Of course it has to do with stress. He visited my parents and when they left my mother found garbage all piled up behind the shower curtain. He has stopped since they put him on meds but in my mind that solves nothing. It doesn't get at the root of why he is doing it. I feel like the only one that sees how urgent this is.

Stop worrying about everyone else or getting them to agree. There's only one person you need to convince. So focus there. Get the abuse facts. Most abusers behavior is very predictable. When you start revealing things about normal abuser behavior and it fits nearly exactly to his, it will be a shock to her. Afterwards reveal how abusers rarely ever change. I find those two things, in that order, often tends to be effective. Then go on to how it affects her kids. It may not change her mind immediately, but presenting such things in the right order (in my experience) tends to start the ball rolling in the right direction.
The problems the kids are dealing with is secondary, for now. Once they can get in a stable, safe living situation then the worries over their other issues can be given proper attention. Likely a root, or at least part of it, is their home life. If they are still in that then you can't really treat the root of the problem, because it's still ongoing.

 

[Susanna]

Stop worrying about everyone else or getting them to agree. There's only one person you need to convince. So focus there. Get the abuse facts. Most abusers behavior is very predictable. When you start revealing things about normal abuser behavior and it fits nearly exactly to his, it will be a shock to her. Afterwards reveal how abusers rarely ever change. I find those two things, in that order, often tends to be effective. Then go on to how it affects her kids. It may not change her mind immediately, but presenting such things in the right order (in my experience) tends to start the ball rolling in the right direction.
The problems the kids are dealing with is secondary, for now. Once they can get in a stable, safe living situation then the worries over their other issues can be given proper attention. Likely a root, or at least part of it, is their home life. If they are still in that then you can't really treat the root of the problem, because it's still ongoing.

A very insightful post.

 

[kaylagrl]

Just a quick update post. I have been pushing my parents,especially my mother to talk to my sister about her boys and the marriage and the possibility she needs to walk away. So several days ago my mother spoke to her and I happened to be at my mothers. Mom got off the phone and I still was not satisfied my sister was taking things seriously enough considering her husband has threatened suicide twice. I told my mother I was very worried about her safety. She called her back and put it plainly and my sister admitted she is seeing a professional counseling couple. Her husband does not know this and does not know the couple. She has a safe place to go with the boys. She told my mother that if she goes silent we will know what happened. Only myself and my mother know this but we do not know,nor should we,where she will be going. Simply that she will be safe.

So I've been pushing for my sister to get out of her marriage almost from day one. They were newly married when one day her husband gathered up her clothes and threw them on the front lawn and told her to get the
F*%$ out of the house. That was before she had either child. So now we are where we are and I'm glad she will be safe and has help. But it also scares me that after 17yrs of marriage she is seeing something I am,that this man is dangerous. So I worry that there are things that have gone on that she hasn't admitted to me. She tells me more than our parents. She scared me about a year ago when she told me she had divorce papers in hand and was going to give them to him. I begged her to wait till my husband and I could get to her. Bottom line is I'm happy she has help and a place to go. But Im still very worried, afraid my mother may fold if her husband comes looking for them if she leaves for the safe place. Never in my life did I think we'd ever find ourselves here. Again,this man claims to be a Christian,has served on the board at church and the youth leader. My hubby has his concealed carry if it comes to that,but I pray he won't come after my parents. Just would appreciate your prayers. Thank you all.

 

[blue_ladybug]

I don't mean to scare you Kayla, but if she is alone when she hands him divorce papers, he WILL kill her.. Or at least hurt her very badly. She needs to be far away when she has those papers delivered to him. FAR FAR away.

I pray she smartens up and leaves NOW, while he's at work. She needs to pack a suitcase for her and the kids, hide it at a friends' house, and leave when he goes to work.