"Wow, You're Kind of Pretty... For Being Such a Normally Ugly Person."

[seoulsearch]

Hey Everyone,

Some of the comments in Pipp's "This is the part I hate" thread got me thinking about how many times people say things that they might actually THINK are compliments, but it's really just an insult wrapped in a thinly-diguised sugar coating.

How many times have you heard things like:

* "Wow, for a (bigger-sized person), you're kinda cute/pretty/handsome."

* "Wow, for a (member of *insert ethnic race here*), you're pretty smart/successful/surprising because you don't meet the regular stereotypes I believe in for everyone else (of 'your' kind.)"

* "Wow, you can (throw, do math, think, etc.) pretty well for a woman (or man) because we all know that every other woman (or man) is terrible at what you're doing!"

* "Wow, you seem pretty content for a single person (who is therefore much less important and valuable to society than someone who is married with a family!)"

And so the list goes on...

* What kinds of back-handed "compliments" have you heard, or even given?

* What would you like for people to say for to you instead of insulting you like this? And if you heard a friend/family member say these things to someone else, how would you correct them?

* What are your suggestions for rewording such comments in order to make them positive, instead of a sunshine-y slap in the face?

Looking forward to hearing all of your comments and ideas.

 

[christian74]

Kim,

mine is sort of negative application of your thread - using my ethnicity to criticize instead of complimenting.

I was in an advanced math in high school, struggling because I never liked math in the first place (except for geometry).
This Asian guy sitting next to me, once saw my midterm test result, said, "Dude, you are Asian."
It stuck with me for whatever reason and thought it was funny somehow looking back haha.

 

[Gracie_14]

* "Wow, for a (member of *insert ethnic race here*), you're pretty smart/successful/surprising because you don't meet the regular stereotypes I believe in for everyone else (of 'your' kind.)"

This really got me...

 

[Susanna]

I’ve been told that I’m hot tempered, even for a Cajun.

I’ve also been told that my English is good for a Cajun.

I’m sometimes very insulting myself. I think I lack something my sister calls empathetic skills. She’s not a psychiatrist or psychologist or whatever, just so that no one is fooled into believing she’s right haha.

 

[Hamarr]

I’ve worn glasses since junior high. I used to hear a lot of things that implied I was a nerd like “wow, you look like a straight A student”. I think they meant nerd.

Other than that, I sometimes would hear things about how I clean up well. I’m not sure if that is a backhanded compliment. I posted some photos on Facebook of me on a suit at my brother’s wedding last year. My half sister seemed to be offended in my behalf?

I guess I get annoyed at stuff like “big guy” that people used to use for me. It felt like my main defining feature was being overweight when they said it (and looking back at photos of me from back then I wasn’t very big at all. Kids can be jerks)

 

[Hamarr]

Thinking about this some more, I haven't had a lot of nice things said about me. At least growing up, but I didn't have a lot of terrible things said to me either. Not sure if I was just inoffensive or what? Should I have a complex about flying under the radar? Or maybe people liked me a bit more than I realized at the time?

 

[Lynx]

Hmm...

I remember this one woman in chat who asked if I was real or a computer generated program. "Cause you're a guy and you like veggies and don't like fast food and you bake, and that's not normal for a guy."

Well excuse me for being an individual with individual preferences. I'll go get a BK whopper (and feed it to the dog) now.

 

[melita916]

a patient at my previous job hadn't seen the chiropractor in a couple of years. when he came in, he said, "you weren't here the last time I was here, right?" yes, I was sir.

"oh! you were so big!!!"

yes. I was. thanks for pointing out I was fat and that I lost weight.

lol

 

[Pipp]

Preachers GROWN daughter: look at that fat cow (referring to a thinner lady that had killer curves)

Me: If you think she's a cow...I hate to see what you call me behind my back!

Her: Oh no...I'd never say that about you... you're beautiful

 

[Lynx]

Yeah, isn't it funny how that works? I have mentioned that multiple times - when somebody is talking about somebody else in a disparaging manner and I say "I wonder what you say about me when I'm not around..." and of course they reassure me they never talk about ME like that. Uh huh. Right.

 

[Mel85]

My friend, who’s this sweet skinny lil thing: “Oh my gosh, I’m so fat like the size of a cow!”

Me, who’s not a skinny lil thing: “So if you’re a cow, what the heck am I? A house??!”

 

[Mel85]

Kim,

mine is sort of negative application of your thread - using my ethnicity to criticize instead of complimenting.

I was in an advanced math in high school, struggling because I never liked math in the first place (except for geometry).
This Asian guy sitting next to me, once saw my midterm test result, said, "Dude, you are Asian."
It stuck with me for whatever reason and thought it was funny somehow looking back haha.

You know Asians here are actually rated as very smart people. There’s not one Asian that I haven’t come across who is hardworking and intellectual.

Also, they have funky trends

 

[tourist]

Hmm...

I remember this one woman in chat who asked if I was real or a computer generated program. "Cause you're a guy and you like veggies and don't like fast food and you bake, and that's not normal for a guy."

Well excuse me for being an individual with individual preferences. I'll go get a BK whopper (and feed it to the dog) now.

...pick up some onion rings too and a strawberry shake topped with whipped cream and a cheery. Since you're going to feed the Whopper to your puppy it would be more economical to buy a Jr Whopper instead of a regular Whopper. I was serious about the rings and shake though. For a fast food joint BK does a good job on those items.

 

[Lynx]

Gotta disagree on both points. BK onion rings are currently made out of minced onions, fried in a ring shape. Nasty. And their "ice cream" is low fat junk.

The frozen cherry coke ain't bad though.

 

[Dino246]

I get this one often enough: "You're really tall!"

Thanks. I was completely unaware of that.

 

[NYUK3206]

When I was younger I was often told by females that I was a really nice guy. But I was too nice. I never understood that.

 

[Mel85]

When I was younger I was often told by females that I was a really nice guy. But I was too nice. I never understood that.

How can one be too nice?🤔

 

[Dino246]

How can one be too nice?🤔

Easy... put up with c**p when you should stand up to it.

A lot of men think that by tolerating abuse, they are winning friends and influencing people. In fact, they are earning contempt as pushovers. Women don't respect them, especially in a dating context, because they foresee the man not being a good protector/provider.

The alternative is to be kind, in a Christlike way. Kindness is a fruit of the Holy Spirit. "Nice" isn't.

 

[InChristalone44]

People often mistake kindness for weakness, not the case!

 

[Solemateleft]

Hey Everyone,

Some of the comments in Pipp's "This is the part I hate" thread got me thinking about how many times people say things that they might actually THINK are compliments, but it's really just an insult wrapped in a thinly-diguised sugar coating.

How many times have you heard things like:

* "Wow, for a (bigger-sized person), you're kinda cute/pretty/handsome."

* "Wow, for a (member of *insert ethnic race here*), you're pretty smart/successful/surprising because you don't meet the regular stereotypes I believe in for everyone else (of 'your' kind.)"

* "Wow, you can (throw, do math, think, etc.) pretty well for a woman (or man) because we all know that every other woman (or man) is terrible at what you're doing!"

* "Wow, you seem pretty content for a single person (who is therefore much less important and valuable to society than someone who is married with a family!)"

And so the list goes on...

* What kinds of back-handed "compliments" have you heard, or even given?

* What would you like for people to say for to you instead of insulting you like this? And if you heard a friend/family member say these things to someone else, how would you correct them?

* What are your suggestions for rewording such comments in order to make them positive, instead of a sunshine-y slap in the face?

Looking forward to hearing all of your comments and ideas.

I tend to rib my boys with plenty of back handed compliments intended as humor...
Like:
When they surprise me with a good idea I'll say something like:
"Wow, you're smarter than you look."

Or when they get frustrated and can't quite solve a simple physical cunundrum like how to optimally pack the back of the SUV for a road trip I'd say:
"You gotta be smarter than the object."

I once heard a HS Wrestling coach tell one of his AP level heavyweight wrestlers:
"Eddie, you are the dumbest looking smart kid I know. "
The kid walked away with a huge grin on his face.