Hurting, but not sure if I can stop.

[ultrasann]

Okay, so, I'm a pretty shy person in general. I haven't had much close friends since middle school. It's gotten so bad that I never talk to any of my friends anymore, unless there's that rare chance I actually think of saying hi. I have never had a girlfriend either. Don't get me wrong, I'm not desperate or anything (or am I?)


Anyway, I noticed that I really don't have any friends. I'm comfortable being isolated, but at the same time, it's killing me. I really want to have friends, but I always think that they'll inevitably betray me or that I'm too terrible to have friends, and that they will push away from me. I don't even have regular conversation with my brother or my parents unless they initiate it.


My heart is very calloused. I'm not sure if it's another person who hurt me, but that I hurt myself. Whenever I think about things such as love and relationships, I see good things happening for everyone else, but I somehow worry and only see eventual disaster for me. I'm such a screw up, and I don't know why anyone even cares. I can't even do a simple thing such as disciplining myself to pray/read every day. I'm so disgusted with myself, I sometimes question my existence.


TL;DR: I put my heart on code yellow (possibly code red) security lockdown so that it will NEVER get hurt, but it's somehow still getting hurt in the lockdown process.

 

[Ugly]

Your perspective is the problem. Its quite skewed. And this is evidenced by the idea that you think that prayer and reading are simple disciplines. They aren't. You have an enemy fighting you to keep you from doing these things. Discipline in general isn't easy for most people unless some outside force motivates them. Such as in the military. Chances are you're doing more to yourself to 'prove' how right you are than anything else. I know this firsthand.

 

[Ace85]

I just want you to know that you are not alone. I have felt like that most my life. I have only one 'good' friend, who I catch up with once a month or so. Other than that, if people are nice to me, I question their motives; if someone wants to spend time with me, I wonder if it's out of pity. I think one of the things that we have to work on, is forgiving those who have hurt us in the past. We not remember all the incidents, or even the people, but God does. Ask Him to help you, and if there's one thing in particular, that He would remind you, so that you can be freed from that.
May god help you find your confidence, and your ability to trust people. All the best!

 

[EliBeth]

I think the previous two responders were exactly right.

I'm in a very similar boat. But what I've realized is that it's practically (not entirely) impossible to love others and be a great friend to them if you do not first love yourself and be a friend to yourself. The desire and conviction to be a nice, loving friend are there inside you, so cut yourself some slack and be kinder to yourself. Low self-esteem can be just as malignant and noxious as egotism.
Bottom line: Everyone has good attributes and qualities. When you start to cast blame on yourself and think negatively, think on what is favorable about you. Be a friend to yourself and it will make you comfortable to be a friend to others.

 

[SavvyJ]

Change your perspective, praying will help with that. If it's a friend you want shoot me a request and pm me

 

[Livvy_Holt]

You aren't alone. Change your perspective a lil, step out of your comfort zone and initiate a conversation with someone and the rest will come after that. BTW, you have a friend in me. You can message me and I'll always be here if you need someone to talk to.

 

[hattiebod]

You are intelligent. You say in your post what you need to do.
Get friends...maybe getting out there and making friends is tough? are you alone in the universe`/ NO.
Every one sees a potential disaster.....we are lost!! find a fun church, find friends and stop focussing on yourself!
Forget the Code....there are young people..aged 6...walking 3 hours a day to fetch water for their families coz they are the 'eldest males'.
Come on....Get a life...Get Christ. Love you & i know you have potential!!!!<><

 

[ultrasann]

You are intelligent. You say in your post what you need to do.
Get friends...maybe getting out there and making friends is tough? are you alone in the universe`/ NO.
Every one sees a potential disaster.....we are lost!! find a fun church, find friends and stop focussing on yourself!
Forget the Code....there are young people..aged 6...walking 3 hours a day to fetch water for their families coz they are the 'eldest males'.
Come on....Get a life...Get Christ. Love you & i know you have potential!!!!<><

Thanks for that kick in the hiney. Never knew this would come back to help me years later.

 

[Gracie_14]

Thanks for that kick in the hiney. Never knew this would come back to help me years later.

You're back! After all these years!!!! How are you???

 

[Mielkefive]

Hey bro I left all my friends behind for a year to live on the road. If you think you can’t make friends trust me you can. Just open up to people and communicate. You can also easily search online “how to make friends middle school” or whatever. I will pray or you mate. Also Ik how you feel I did not talk to anyone for 2 years until I opened up to a girl and she became my girlfriend so you got a chance. Good luck and gods speed. 👍

 

[littlelady]

I noticed this post because of the title, only once I started reading did I realise it was from so many years ago. I see in the comments you came back, so curious to hear how you are and if anything has changed in your feelings over these past years?! Welcome back😁