"No thanks": How do you let someone down?

[Mel85]

Scenario: Say someone likes you, a lot, and decides to ask you out. You however, on the other hand ain't feeling it and you wish not to go on a date with this person.

Some questions to answer:
1. What would you say to them whether it were face to face, via online, phone, text etc?
2. How would you say it?
3. Would you even say it and just lead them on? (I've heard of some horror stories where people can't be truthful or brave enough to tell them)

Further questions:
1. Would you use the old "friend-zone" method?
2. Has there been a time when the situation got semi-dangerous/borderline obsessive?
3. Any advice or words of encouragement that you would like to add for those who might be going through a similar situation?

Me?: I had a experience in College (High School) when I was about 15/16 years old where a boy I was in class with, came up to me and said "I like you". Prior to that, we use to hangout and talk alot, just like friends would, but I think he started having feelings for me. In no way did I lead him on, but I could understand why he felt like that. Anyway, my reaction was poor because at that time, I hadn't really experienced being in a relationship and I would even cringe at the thought of it. I just froze, and asked him "what did you say?" for reassurance of what he said to me, and he gave the same comment, "I like you", at that moment I ran off because I was low-key scared and I didn't know how to react.

I am sure that some of you have better examples or experiences of knowing how to say no, so let's get crackin'!

Our married friends are welcome to leave their views/experiences as well.

Thanks

 

[Stranger36147]

Never been in this situation, but if it did happen to me, I think I would just be honest and tell them upfront that I don't like them in that way. I would try to be nice about it, of course.


One attribute I greatly value in people is honesty. I try to be honest with others and hope that they'll be honest with me....even though the truth can hurt sometimes.

 

[BruceWayne]

Some questions to answer:
1. What would you say to them whether it were face to face, via online, phone, text etc?
I'd just be honest. I'd let them know I value their friendship if we're friends, but that I didn't feel the same way. If we weren't friends, I'd be less concerned about it and probably more brutally honest. lol. Either way, it's important to be clear in these situations.
2. How would you say it?
As tactfully as possible. Feelings will be hurt, so have a little empathy, but still make sure they understand.
3. Would you even say it and just lead them on? (I've heard of some horror stories where people can't be truthful or brave enough to tell them)
That's the worst thing to do. lol.

Further questions:
1. Would you use the old "friend-zone" method?
"You're like a brother/sister to me" is a good romance killer.
2. Has there been a time when the situation got semi-dangerous/borderline obsessive?
No.
3. Any advice or words of encouragement that you would like to add for those who might be going through a similar situation?
No.

 

[Lynx]

When I turned people down I just said it plainly, but politely. "It is kind of you to offer, but no thank you."

Of course since I'm a Pentecostal I got the "You won't go on a date with me because I'm not wearing a skirt?" line. "No, I'm not going on a date with you because we have absolutely nothing in common, we would have nothing to talk about and you would be bored to tears on the date. Your interests and mine don't intersect anywhere." I said it matter-of-factly but not rudely and it seemed to work.

What about ladies who DO have the same interests I have? They wouldn't be asking me out because they are all married. And I can't even really wish they were single because I know the guys they are married to and they are great guys.

 

[selfdissolving]

I just tell them directly, to the point, as tactfully and as politely as possible.

 

[melita916]

well, i was never in that awkward position because i was always seen as "one of the guys." lol!

i imagine i would be as nice as possible but completely honest, but i know it's easier said than done.

 

[Hamarr]

I have never been in the position where someone was telling me they are interested me, but I have ignored other interest due to being oblivious. For the longest time, I was operating in a mindset that no one could be interested in me. It took other people pointing out someone was interested later on, or in some cases me figuring it out a few years later.

If something like that we’re to happen, I would like to think I would be up front without being mean. I wouldn’t want to string someone along or put them in a friend zone situation.

 

[LadyInWaiting]

When I was in Kindergarten, I liked this guy named Zach. He was the tallest kid in class and he had some really pretty eyes. I told him that I liked him ( I was a bold 5 year old) and he said "ew I don't like you, I like Samantha." I didn't care, I still liked him a lot. For Valentine's Day we had a performance and we each had a partner to dance with. My partner was Mark and his was Angelina. One day both Mark and Angelina were absent. Mrs. Rodriguez told us to practice together. He was not happy about it, but I sure was!

So we're dancing and I decided to plant one on his cheek. I kissed him! He wiped it away and said "gross." I was so hurt and embarrassed. Maybe that's where my social anxiety stems from?
As the school year was coming to a close he finally told me "Hey, Lady....I don't like Samantha now, I like you!" I was still down about the kiss and told him "Oh yeah? Well I don't like you anymore!" I was pretty straight forward with him. I still can't believe how sure of myself I was back then. I am no longer bold and fearless.

Now, I have noticed that when guys show interest and you tell them you're not interested, they get really mad sometimes. There was one recently where I told him I wasn't interested in him. I told him why (I don't think he's a real Christian) and instead of accepting my rejection, he began trying to convince me to go out with him and told me all about how he is a Christian. When I tried to tell him again, he got mad and told me off. He even cussed me out!
So the next time a guy shows interest that I'm not into, I'll probably just ghost him. I know it's sad...but I don't like being cussed out. It's much easier to just block the number, email address, or facebook of the person.

 

[Mel85]

When I was in Kindergarten, I liked this guy named Zach. He was the tallest kid in class and he had some really pretty eyes. I told him that I liked him ( I was a bold 5 year old) and he said "ew I don't like you, I like Samantha." I didn't care, I still liked him a lot. For Valentine's Day we had a performance and we each had a partner to dance with. My partner was Mark and his was Angelina. One day both Mark and Angelina were absent. Mrs. Rodriguez told us to practice together. He was not happy about it, but I sure was!

So we're dancing and I decided to plant one on his cheek. I kissed him! He wiped it away and said "gross." I was so hurt and embarrassed. Maybe that's where my social anxiety stems from?
As the school year was coming to a close he finally told me "Hey, Lady....I don't like Samantha now, I like you!" I was still down about the kiss and told him "Oh yeah? Well I don't like you anymore!" I was pretty straight forward with him. I still can't believe how sure of myself I was back then. I am no longer bold and fearless.

Now, I have noticed that when guys show interest and you tell them you're not interested, they get really mad sometimes. There was one recently where I told him I wasn't interested in him. I told him why (I don't think he's a real Christian) and instead of accepting my rejection, he began trying to convince me to go out with him and told me all about how he is a Christian. When I tried to tell him again, he got mad and told me off. He even cussed me out!
So the next time a guy shows interest that I'm not into, I'll probably just ghost him. I know it's sad...but I don't like being cussed out. It's much easier to just block the number, email address, or facebook of the person.

That’s interesting regarding your last paragraph cause I can understand why you’d have to take the necessary means of action by ghosting them. I guess it’s also for protection.

But at the same time, not every guy is the same and responds the same. It just so happened that that guy was one of the few who clearly has issues and didn’t really handle the rejection so well.

 

[Mel85]

I just tell them directly, to the point, as tactfully and as politely as possible.

What’s your way of “being polite”?

I know a few people who are very harsh but truthful in the way they respond, yet they say that they’re “being polite”. Some people could take that into offence.

 

[Mel85]

When I turned people down I just said it plainly, but politely. "It is kind of you to offer, but no thank you."

Of course since I'm a Pentecostal I got the "You won't go on a date with me because I'm not wearing a skirt?" line. "No, I'm not going on a date with you because we have absolutely nothing in common, we would have nothing to talk about and you would be bored to tears on the date. Your interests and mine don't intersect anywhere." I said it matter-of-factly but not rudely and it seemed to work.

What about ladies who DO have the same interests I have? They wouldn't be asking me out because they are all married. And I can't even really wish they were single because I know the guys they are married to and they are great guys.

Sorry I chuckled at that line 😭

 

[Mel85]

well, i was never in that awkward position because i was always seen as "one of the guys." lol!

i imagine i would be as nice as possible but completely honest, but i know it's easier said than done.

Totally agree with the part about being easier said than done.

 

[selfdissolving]

What’s your way of “being polite”?

I know a few people who are very harsh but truthful in the way they respond, yet they say that they’re “being polite”. Some people could take that into offence.

Hard question to answer because their are different circumstances in things like this.

The point is; i don't want to hurt her or make her feel bad so I try to break the news to her in a way that has the desired effect and the least amount of heartbreak.

I would probably say something like, "You are a really great person and i enjoy hanging out with you, but i'm not interested in being more than friends."

This kind of thing is tough.

 

[Kojikun]

Scenario: Say someone likes you, a lot, and decides to ask you out. You however, on the other hand ain't feeling it and you wish not to go on a date with this person.

Some questions to answer:
1. What would you say to them whether it were face to face, via online, phone, text etc?
2. How would you say it?
3. Would you even say it and just lead them on? (I've heard of some horror stories where people can't be truthful or brave enough to tell them)

Further questions:
1. Would you use the old "friend-zone" method?
2. Has there been a time when the situation got semi-dangerous/borderline obsessive?
3. Any advice or words of encouragement that you would like to add for those who might be going through a similar situation?

Me?: I had a experience in College (High School) when I was about 15/16 years old where a boy I was in class with, came up to me and said "I like you". Prior to that, we use to hangout and talk alot, just like friends would, but I think he started having feelings for me. In no way did I lead him on, but I could understand why he felt like that. Anyway, my reaction was poor because at that time, I hadn't really experienced being in a relationship and I would even cringe at the thought of it. I just froze, and asked him "what did you say?" for reassurance of what he said to me, and he gave the same comment, "I like you", at that moment I ran off because I was low-key scared and I didn't know how to react.

I am sure that some of you have better examples or experiences of knowing how to say no, so let's get crackin'!

Our married friends are welcome to leave their views/experiences as well.

Thanks

In the words of Jesus "Let your no be no and your yes be yes"

 

[Princesse]

What would you say to them whether it were face to face, via online, phone, text etc?

I say the following:

Thank you for your time and consideration. I appreciate the offer. However, I’m unable to pursue the acquaintance. I wish you luck in your search and hope you find the one you seek. Have a pleasant day/evening.

How would you say it?

Polite and direct.

Would you even say it and just lead them on? (I've heard of some horror stories where people can't be truthful or brave enough to tell them)

No, that’s rude. The truth is best.

Would you use the old "friend-zone" method?

No. It creates false hope.

Has there been a time when the situation got semi-dangerous/borderline obsessive?

One person became irate that I wouldn’t consider him and the quickness of my response. He spent six weeks raging about me, women and airing his grievances on a forum. Needless to say, no was the right choice. He was very angry.

Another felt it was impossible for me to determine if we were ill-suited without greater familiarity. He had a lengthy plan in mind. He was upset that I wouldn’t develop a friendship. We tried being acquaintances but it didn’t work. He needs too much attention.

Any advice or words of encouragement that you would like to add for those who might be going through a similar situation?

Be kind and tell the truth. The sooner the better.

 

[Lanolin]

wow If it was in school I would have just said why do you like me? as back then I thought nobody really liked me lol.

They probably dont still but nobody comes up to me and straight out says 'I dont like you'

I have a like cushion that I can give to people. Its shaped like the like button on facebook.

I once told a guy I liked him in my twenties and he was very surprised cos he thought he was unlikeable. It really touched him but by the time he was seeing other girls I was just one of many. Oh the drama of those days. I didnt quite understand that part of it.

Maybe a better way to have said it would be 'I think you are cool! '

 

[G00WZ]

I had a gay neighbor who was getting a bit too friendly a few years ago... At some point i was tempted to eat a bunch of sardines and other different types of potent fish and just breathe on him a few times when he would get too close. Glad he moved away though, because i didn't want ANY of what he was selling.

I guess it just depends on who you are talking to because some people don't listen or take the hints.

 

[Lanolin]

thinking on this if someone asks me out and I dont want to go I just say Im busy or sorry I cant make it. Or its not my thing.

Im more of a well what do you have in mind as a date kind of thing. If they are not offering to invite me on an actual DATE and just want to see me they can see me whenever well its just a see you later kind of thing. I see you when I see you. If I dont I wont.

or to be blunt just say sorry Im not interested. Why dont you ask .....and give them their phone number. (does it have to be a real number..,I dont know, you could just give them the number for pizza?!)

If someone just said they liked me now I would just smile but they might say that to everyone or they might just be being friendly. But its a weird thing if they hated everyone else and only liked me. That wouldnt make me feel special it would just be a bit weird.

I dont really give my number out to anyone. I never went out with classmates and I dont really like going out alone with workmates. I used to think it was just being social but with some men its actually not social they just want you exclusively to themselves for other purposes. red flags. Just keep it professional if you see them most of the time at work then you dont really need to be making a heap of extra time with them IMHO.
Hang out with the friends you dont work with or go to school with.

 

[laughingheart]

I think the place to start is to ask how you'd want to be treated. Sit with that and imagine the scenario.
For myself, I have had this situation and it is important to treat everyone with respect. One of the ways not to do things is to ignore them and hope they clue in. If you have talked to them and they ignore what you say, then they are not respecting you. That is different.
In my case, the last time it happened, I had someone ask me for dinner and a movie so I suggested that we could get a group together. He said no, he wanted it to be just us. I said I preferred being with a group as it is fun for lots of friends to spend time together. He stopped for a minute and said straight out that he wanted to go on a date. I said I was in friendship mode and that that was more fun. He nodded and we remained cordial. He was a good guy and eventually he found an incredible woman.
The thing that is good to avoid is making excuses. It isn't the truth. Also don't try and butter them up with, "You are a great guy. Some girl will be so lucky to have you." It ends up feeling insulting. If you believed they were such a great guy, you would want them, so the guys will think you are insincere.
On a funny, life lesson note, back in college I had a fellow pursue me and I had zero interest. It was a film study class and he would sit all class and stare. Each week he'd ask me out. I would make excuse after excuse to say no and then finally he said, "You know I'm going to keep on asking. I have more Fridays than you have excuses." Yup. Guys, don't use that line. Two days later I came home to see him sitting in my living room. My mom had let him in. He was grinning at me like he'd won some sort of contest. I walked up to him and said. "We are not a match. " I didn't default to saying lets be friends. I knew he'd use that as a way to have pseudo dates. In this case, he was not going to listen until I was blunt. I should have been more straightforward at the beginning. I learned.
I learned to let people know how I regard them so that we have clear communication. Don't make excuses and don't leave partially opened doors for the future. Don't even say that you don't want to mess up the friendship as some guys would be happy to take that chance if they can date you.
Be kind but honest. Be gentle as a dove and wise as a serpent. Treat others as you'd want to be treated yourself.