Wife Abandoned Living With Single Man

[InNeedOfHelp]

I need a marriage miracle! I'll "try" to be brief.

First, I'll mention my wife's present situation. My wife secretly abandoned me a month ago (took our 3 yr-old daughter with her) to now live with a childhood friend of her past who is a man, unmarried and uncertain, no children of his own. I know she's having intimacy with the other man, intercourse - possibly, sleeping together - maybe, and her and I are still legally married. She told me her leaving is her way of doing this for herself. This began from her having a secret emotional affair online with the other man. However, I can't place all blame on my wife.

Second, wife's reasons for marital abandonment. Throughout our marital relationship, I was not behaving like the man of God and husband I would of liked to have been. I can go into specifics, but not enough computer characters provided to fully explain. I admit my actions in both our marriage and relationship were ungodly, addictive and destructive. I wanted to change and always tried, but would relapse back to the way things were - positive changes were always short-lived for me. Also, she says that she had tried to make our marriage work through Godly actions, character and prayer.

Third, my wife justifies her actions, feelings and current situation as something that needed to happen because of my wrongdoings throughout our marriage.

Fourth, we've been married for 11 years, both our first marriage, first child, wife is a Believer in Christ, I am a Believer, we both have emotional baggage and issues from our childhoods, both have parents with unsuccessful marriages, unresolved problems amongst ourselves, and lived codependent for years isolated with just each other.

Fifth, I really don't know how to talk to her nor know what to say, when to say it, and how to say anything that will help the marriage and relationship.

Lastly, I want to change. When she left, I had a breakdown and reconciled my life back to God. I've already taken steps to get help through marriage classes, marriage groups, reading books, have accountability partners, healing, etc. I need advice, guidance, direction, leadership, healing of soul, how to communicate to spouse effectively to her state of mind. Anything will help and thank you so much. God bless you!

 

[Demi777]

The problem with us woman is that by the point we leave, we feel like we have given everything and see nothing ro fight for anymore.
Im very sorry about your mess. My family was destroyed by a similar situation.
I cant say you will get your wife back because she has a free will but you can pray for her heart to soften.
If I was you I would get a divorce and try to get the custody for your child though. Your child is the most important thing right now as he or she is torn in this new awkward situation.

Its painful for me that your wife had the guts to leave but not really formally think and take responsible action. I will be praying for you

 

[Hungry]

I agree with Demi. She’s moved on. This other man saw his opportunity that your wife had needs, and he stepped in to fill them. Welcome to the internet. If I was in your situation and seriously loved that woman, I wouldn’t be passive about the fact some sly dude came by and stole my wife and child. There were lines crossed. If someone came into your house and tried to rob you would you hide in a closet. Even if you left your wallet sitting on the counter...it’s still your wallet. I think there’s something to be said about brutish, jealous rage that keeps people in their places, and out of yours. I’m not saying go kill the guy (I would seriously lay a beating on him but that’s me. I’m a very friendly individual, and never struck anyone, but God gave us testosterone and rage for situations like these.) but let’s put things in perspective. I get you were hurt, devistated even, and that inspired your change, but he stole from you and you have a choice; accept, learn, cope and move on; or steal her back! Learn from his tactics and devise your strategy. Be what she saw in him and better. Regardless the decision, you need to be the best dad you can be. No matter how you feel about your wife, love that girl like she is the biggest prize in the world.

 

[Kim82]

If your wife should come back today, will things be different or will things go right back to the way they were before? See that's the thing.

Your wife seems to have forgotten that she's a Christian. The next time you see her, gentle remind her that she is still a married woman and God is not pleased with adultery. And what example is she setting for her child? (Although you don't know for sure if she's involved with him, or just desperately wanted to get away from you.)

You can also put the fear of God, not your fist, into the man. Tell him if he gets involved with a married woman he is under a curse. Or better yet, don't say anything to him, because you don't want to cause an ugly scene, which your wife will not appreciate. However, you should calmly remind her that she will but the man under a curse if she doesn't avoid him.

Besides this, you need to pray, put the matter in God's hands and be patient.

Take this alone time to work on yourself with the help of God. And when your wife returns, both of you should get counselling together.

 

[1christian1]

I need a marriage miracle! I'll "try" to be brief.

First, I'll mention my wife's present situation. My wife secretly abandoned me a month ago (took our 3 yr-old daughter with her) to now live with a childhood friend of her past who is a man, unmarried and uncertain, no children of his own. I know she's having intimacy with the other man, intercourse - possibly, sleeping together - maybe, and her and I are still legally married. She told me her leaving is her way of doing this for herself. This began from her having a secret emotional affair online with the other man. However, I can't place all blame on my wife.

Second, wife's reasons for marital abandonment. Throughout our marital relationship, I was not behaving like the man of God and husband I would of liked to have been. I can go into specifics, but not enough computer characters provided to fully explain. I admit my actions in both our marriage and relationship were ungodly, addictive and destructive. I wanted to change and always tried, but would relapse back to the way things were - positive changes were always short-lived for me. Also, she says that she had tried to make our marriage work through Godly actions, character and prayer.

Third, my wife justifies her actions, feelings and current situation as something that needed to happen because of my wrongdoings throughout our marriage.

Fourth, we've been married for 11 years, both our first marriage, first child, wife is a Believer in Christ, I am a Believer, we both have emotional baggage and issues from our childhoods, both have parents with unsuccessful marriages, unresolved problems amongst ourselves, and lived codependent for years isolated with just each other.

Fifth, I really don't know how to talk to her nor know what to say, when to say it, and how to say anything that will help the marriage and relationship.

Lastly, I want to change. When she left, I had a breakdown and reconciled my life back to God. I've already taken steps to get help through marriage classes, marriage groups, reading books, have accountability partners, healing, etc. I need advice, guidance, direction, leadership, healing of soul, how to communicate to spouse effectively to her state of mind. Anything will help and thank you so much. God bless you!

Sounds like you are already doing all that you need... Good job!

 

[InNeedOfHelp]

If your wife should come back today, will things be different or will things go right back to the way they were before? See that's the thing.

Your wife seems to have forgotten that she's a Christian. The next time you see her, gentle remind her that she is still a married woman and God is not pleased with adultery. And what example is she setting for her child? (Although you don't know for sure if she's involved with him, or just desperately wanted to get away from you.)

You can also put the fear of God, not your fist, into the man. Tell him if he gets involved with a married woman he is under a curse. Or better yet, don't say anything to him, because you don't want to cause an ugly scene, which your wife will not appreciate. However, you should calmly remind her that she will but the man under a curse if she doesn't avoid him.

Besides this, you need to pray, put the matter in God's hands and be patient.

Take this alone time to work on yourself with the help of God. And when your wife returns, both of you should get counselling together.

Kim82, thank you and those for your heartfelt/Holy Spirit-led advice. I can say confidently and even crying, that the Lord heard my cries and did a new thing in me no words can say. I understand your question is rhetorical, but I can humbly answer it saying the you know a person is "truly" changed is by the fruits of their actions. God said a tree is known by the fruit it bears. That would by natural answer to my wife if she asked the same question.

As for my wife forgetting who she is in Christ. Yes, she has forgotten and chosen to knowingly rebel against the Lord by allowing her feelings to control her through the other man and by our circumstances. Her own mother (who is a strong Believer) sees that she's going about this the wrong way. The bottom line is, her heart is broken because of both of our sins and the wounds inflicted by my actions and from family issues and our separation now caused her to be double-minded, bitter against me, unforgiving, and a plethora of other strongholds and hindrances (wicked deeds).

You are right, I can only work on myself God is taking me backwards so I can move forward with Him holding me and showing me His plans. Kim82, I know your advice is from the Lord and your words confirm what my Spirit is telling me. I do pray for deliverance and/or salvation for the other man.I'm in the wilderness alone and can say that I'm not alone because He's there with me. I'm on the path, but prayer is the key to unlock all the closed doors of my wife's heart and soul.

I callout all prayer warriors for answered prayers this new year for my marriage and all marriages.

 

[Dino246]

Welcome, InNeedOfHelp...
My situation was different, but there are enough parallels that I offer these thoughts from experience:

First, put your marriage on the altar. Surrender it completely to the Lord. You can't fix it on your own. Work on yourself.

Second, find a competent Christian counselor... if you can't find one locally, contact Patrick Doyle at Veritas Counseling in Oregon. If nothing else, watch his videos on YouTube on TheDoveTV's channel.

Third, sign up for the daily devotional from DivorceCare.org. That doesn't mean it's over, but you need relevant wise counsel.

Fourth, get a lawyer and find out your rights. Address issues of time with your daughter. Unless you physically abused your daughter, you should have full right of access. Your wife has no right to keep her from you at at all. Don't delay unduly on this. Irreversible things can happen while you remain ignorant of the legal realities.

Last, if there is any hope of reconciliation, get a separation agreement drawn up. Again, it is not a last resort, but you would be a fool to bring your wife back into your home without her repenting and getting serious help. Her actions indicate that she is not listening to the Lord. You both need time to get yourselves sorted out. The agreement should NOT be "who gets what" but rather, what steps are to be taken, by when, to work towards reconciliation.

Forgive her in your heart, of course, but excuse her actions until she repents of them. Forgiving is not forgetting.

 

[InNeedOfHelp]

Welcome, InNeedOfHelp...
My situation was different, but there are enough parallels that I offer these thoughts from experience:

First, put your marriage on the altar. Surrender it completely to the Lord. You can't fix it on your own. Work on yourself.

Second, find a competent Christian counselor... if you can't find one locally, contact Patrick Doyle at Veritas Counseling in Oregon. If nothing else, watch his videos on YouTube on TheDoveTV's channel.

Third, sign up for the daily devotional from DivorceCare.org. That doesn't mean it's over, but you need relevant wise counsel.

Fourth, get a lawyer and find out your rights. Address issues of time with your daughter. Unless you physically abused your daughter, you should have full right of access. Your wife has no right to keep her from you at at all. Don't delay unduly on this. Irreversible things can happen while you remain ignorant of the legal realities.

Last, if there is any hope of reconciliation, get a separation agreement drawn up. Again, it is not a last resort, but you would be a fool to bring your wife back into your home without her repenting and getting serious help. Her actions indicate that she is not listening to the Lord. You both need time to get yourselves sorted out. The agreement should NOT be "who gets what" but rather, what steps are to be taken, by when, to work towards reconciliation.

Forgive her in your heart, of course, but excuse her actions until she repents of them. Forgiving is not forgetting.

Dino, thank you for the information!

 

[tourist]

You told a sad story, other members can tell a similar story so please know that you are not alone in this. Hopefully, you will find comfort, support and understanding from the members of this site. Looking forward to your posts. Welcome to CC.

 

[Kim82]

May God bless you, and work things out on your behalf

 

[InNeedOfHelp]

Sounds like you are already doing all that you need... Good job!

1christian1, thank you for your encouragement! It helps me to persevere in my wilderness journey. God bless you. Shalom

 

[Subhumanoidal]

I agree with Demi. She’s moved on. This other man saw his opportunity that your wife had needs, and he stepped in to fill them. Welcome to the internet. If I was in your situation and seriously loved that woman, I wouldn’t be passive about the fact some sly dude came by and stole my wife and child. There were lines crossed. If someone came into your house and tried to rob you would you hide in a closet. Even if you left your wallet sitting on the counter...it’s still your wallet. I think there’s something to be said about brutish, jealous rage that keeps people in their places, and out of yours. I’m not saying go kill the guy (I would seriously lay a beating on him but that’s me. I’m a very friendly individual, and never struck anyone, but God gave us testosterone and rage for situations like these.) but let’s put things in perspective. I get you were hurt, devistated even, and that inspired your change, but he stole from you and you have a choice; accept, learn, cope and move on; or steal her back! Learn from his tactics and devise your strategy. Be what she saw in him and better. Regardless the decision, you need to be the best dad you can be. No matter how you feel about your wife, love that girl like she is the biggest prize in the world.

God gave us testosterone to beat people down after we spend years ruining our marriages? Guess I missed that scripture.
Seems to me that other guy wouldn't have been a problem if the marriage was right to begin with. It seems to be punishing (and vengeful) someone else for his mistakes.
I don't buy that logic.

 

[Hungry]

God gave us testosterone to beat people down after we spend years ruining our marriages? Guess I missed that scripture.
Seems to me that other guy wouldn't have been a problem if the marriage was right to begin with. It seems to be punishing (and vengeful) someone else for his mistakes.
I don't buy that logic.

If you were a poor investor or spent your money on junk food, and you caught someone breaking in to steal your cash, you wouldn’t use force to prevent this? We all want God to make the world a better place, but His hands (us) refuse to get dirty. Punish the wicked. A man’s covetousness causes him to steal another man’s wife and child and that’s ok? He deserved it? There is such a thing as righteous indignation. The Law called for more of a punishment than some blood and bruises. I think a husband has a right to beat another man for sleeping with his wife. I think it’s even Scriptural.

 

[InNeedOfHelp]

God gave us testosterone to beat people down after we spend years ruining our marriages? Guess I missed that scripture.
Seems to me that other guy wouldn't have been a problem if the marriage was right to begin with. It seems to be punishing (and vengeful) someone else for his mistakes.
I don't buy that logic.

Hello, Subhumanoidal. Satan wants me to beat the snot out of this person. As much as my flesh wants to, my Spirit says to pray God to move in his heart. It's very, very, very extremely difficult for me to refrain. This guy thinks I can't find where he lives. What I know is this...I already know where he lives because I know of a surveillance program that locates any phone device without the need of downloading software into the actual device. Plus, I already have my wife's device's info. However...I feel that I be no better than the other man and my wife for I'll be fighting fire with fire. That's not how the Lord operates. The Bible says vengeance is mine says the Lord and the other man is punished already for he has placed a curse on himself for doing this against God's commandments. I say all that to tell you I agree.

 

[1christian1]

1christian1, thank you for your encouragement! It helps me to persevere in my wilderness journey. God bless you. Shalom

Shalom, God be with you...

 

[Locoponydirtman]

You need to seek help for the things you know that you do wrong, before you even think of having any relationship with any woman. You admitted to having "baggage", so getting that delt with is step one. You may never get her back, if you do or not all you will do is continue the same old cycle be it with her or some other woman.

 

[Locoponydirtman]

I agree with Demi. She’s moved on. This other man saw his opportunity that your wife had needs, and he stepped in to fill them. Welcome to the internet. If I was in your situation and seriously loved that woman, I wouldn’t be passive about the fact some sly dude came by and stole my wife and child. There were lines crossed. If someone came into your house and tried to rob you would you hide in a closet. Even if you left your wallet sitting on the counter...it’s still your wallet. I think there’s something to be said about brutish, jealous rage that keeps people in their places, and out of yours. I’m not saying go kill the guy (I would seriously lay a beating on him but that’s me. I’m a very friendly individual, and never struck anyone, but God gave us testosterone and rage for situations like these.) but let’s put things in perspective. I get you were hurt, devistated even, and that inspired your change, but he stole from you and you have a choice; accept, learn, cope and move on; or steal her back! Learn from his tactics and devise your strategy. Be what she saw in him and better. Regardless the decision, you need to be the best dad you can be. No matter how you feel about your wife, love that girl like she is the biggest prize in the world.

This new guy didn't kick the door down and drag her off by the hair of her head. He admitted to having basically driven her away. You can't drive her away then kick the crap out of the guy who picked her up.

 

[Hungry]

Read Proverbs 6:27-35. I get that their marriage wasn’t the best, nor was he the perfect husband. Is sin relative then? It’s ok to flirt with unhappily married women and take them to bed? Jealousy is reserved for the comfort providers, who rub their wife’s feet and coach little league on the weekend? What line do you feel needs to be crossed before the Christian man puts down the Bible and picks up a baseball bat? I can think of a number of incidents.

 

[Locoponydirtman]

Read Proverbs 6:27-35. I get that their marriage wasn’t the best, nor was he the perfect husband. Is sin relative then? It’s ok to flirt with unhappily married women and take them to bed? Jealousy is reserved for the comfort providers, who rub their wife’s feet and coach little league on the weekend? What line do you feel needs to be crossed before the Christian man puts down the Bible and picks up a baseball bat? I can think of a number of incidents.

No! sin is still sin, and two wrongs dont make a right. We don't enforce righteousness nor punish sin. The Lord deals with sin. Also we don't get to play like our sin don't have consequences. In this case toxic behavior has driven the wife off, possibly forever.
And the line as to where we use violence is to protect the denfenceless against violence. Going and beating a man up after running your wife into his arms is absolutely not justifiable, biblically or otherwise. If you want her take care of her from the start she is a free moral agent not your property. Jealousy ... You're talking about toxic control and abuse.
If you want to be a real man then suck it up buttercup, you made your bed now lay in it. Own your mistakes, and take responsibility.
Besides what part of the wrath of man does not work the righteousness of God, is hard to understand?
And, vengeance is mine says the Lord?
Real men don't act bad, and then when the consequences come around blame someone else.

 

[claysmithr]

Seek after God with all your strength! It's your best hope.